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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband affair, but me breaking up family

42 replies

Violetvlogger · 25/01/2021 15:55

Hi, thanks for reading, just after some opinions,support or advice really from others who may have been in a similar situation. So , basically, I have found out my husband has been unfaithful, but have not yet confronted him about this. I am scared because I know once I do , then our family will be broken. We have a 9 Yr DS child who worships their dad. I have always had very strong feelings on cheating, and have never and will never allow it to happen. It shows a complete and utter lack of respect for me and the family unit . I feel that although it is my husband cheating, ultimately it will be me breaking up the family and breaking DS heart because I can't be with a cheat and we will need to separate. Is it normal to feel like this? 😩that I will be the instigator to the marriage ending? I'm sure if I said nothing things( in his eyes) would carry merrily along , but I can't , I have to address it.

OP posts:

Whythesadface · 25/01/2021 15:59

Someone suggested a post pre nup .
Include a cheating clause.
65/35 to you.
When he says no ask him why...?

Standrewsschool · 25/01/2021 15:59

I’m sorry for your situation.

However, as soon as your dh started the affair, then he was the one who has broken up the family. Your dh is the guilty party, not you.

It’s normal to feel it’s going to get rough, but don’t let this stop you moving forward and taking the necessary action.

Itstimetoquit · 25/01/2021 16:03

How awful of him to do this to you,it's entirely his doing you have nothing to feel guilty about x

Chocolate123 · 25/01/2021 16:05

I was accused of destroying my family when I ended my marriage after he cheated. I didn't destroy my family he did when he slept with another woman. You and your kids are not to blame he is.

Icloud54 · 25/01/2021 16:06

He broke the family up when he had an affair, don't put this on yourself at all. It's his fault, you have nothing to feel guilty for

PositiviTina · 25/01/2021 16:06

You must be in a lot of distress. This is a heartbreaking position to be put in especially if you were content in the marriage and family unit.

Your husband has crossed the line of your relationship, and did so with the awareness of what it would likely mean. Now you are left in the position of mopping up the mess he has made of your life and your child's life.

It is brutal. You absolutely are not the one breaking up the family. It is broken if he has done something you cannot forgive.

When this happened to me, it took me far too long to separate fully from him as we have young children and I had thought I was happy and in the relationship for life. However, I also knew I couldn't stay with someone who betrayed my trust like that. A conflict.

People can really shock you. The damage to the kids of dragging it out because I couldn't bear to leave was substantial.

I wish you strength and courage, because you are left in a sad situation and it wasn't your doing. All you can do now is make your decision and act. Good luck xxxx

YoniAndGuy · 25/01/2021 16:08

Nope. He broke it.

If he hadn't chosen his course of action... no family breakup. None of this would be happening.

100% him.

I'm very sorry.

Original poster

Violetvlogger · 25/01/2021 16:09

Thanks @Itstimetoquit and @Standrewsschool. I think I feel guilty, because ultimately, it is me who would be choosing to end the marriage, and part of me thinks, if I am so worried about DS and the effect it may have on them, then should stay put and stay quiet. I know its not right , it just hard to justify DS heartbreak.

OP posts:

Santaiscovidfree · 25/01/2021 16:10

Imo he broke the vows. Your marriage is therefore broken. Nothing at all to do with you.

user194729573 · 25/01/2021 16:13

Nah. He's the instigator, you're just the one who has to deliver the news.

Your son will be ok. You're living in separate homes, that's all. Nobody's dying.

If you present it to him as the end of the world, he will react like it's the end of the world. It's not. It's sad and distressing right now, but that will pass.

LizFlowers · 25/01/2021 16:15

Before ending your marriage, I think you do need to ask your husband about his affair to be sure he has had one. Produce your evidence and see what he has to say. Is it possible you may be wrong or that he came close on one occasion but didn't? A bit of plain speaking is in order here. Of course you know more than we do but you did say in your op that you 'found out' and not how. Thinks are not always as they appear.

Whatever happens I wish you good fortune. This is a very hard situation for the three of you and I'm sorry you are in it.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/01/2021 16:19

Your husband broke up your marriage. He is the one who chose to do this. You are 100% blameless.

KeepOnKeepingOnKeepingOn · 25/01/2021 16:19

He has torn your family apart, not you. Don't you dare blame yourself. Sending all the love to you x

Cuntitinthebin · 25/01/2021 16:24

He is 100% to blame. 100%.

Do not think any different

Do not allow anyone to tell you any different.

He has broken up your family; not you.

Stay strong.

justanotherneighinparadise · 25/01/2021 16:24

You have to show your son how to treat a woman and it’s absolutely okay to show him that infidelity is not something acceptable in a marriage and as a woman you deserve respect and happiness. The only thing you have to do is try and handle this with decorum and grace as if your child sees you both screaming, shouting and crying you’ll no doubt traumatise them.

Dery · 25/01/2021 16:25

As PP have said - this is on your DH for having an affair. You’re not obliged to suck that up.

And as a PP said, children get over divorce. It’s not the end of the world. No-one’s died. Some of the most functional families I know are families where the parents divorced but co-parent very successfully.

MaMaD1990 · 25/01/2021 16:34

I'd get ready for some resentment from your DS but know he will understand when he is older. Its going to be tough on him but lots of kids get through a divorce of parents. Have you managed to speak to a solicitor and get everything in order before approaching your husband? I'd recommend doing this. I would also have a think about how you'll tell your DS and be prepared for any questions he might have. Sorry you're going through this and I hope it all works out for you and your son.

Alfiemoon1 · 25/01/2021 16:38

Your dh broke up your family not you. How did you find out ?

Ziggydancer · 25/01/2021 16:57

For you OP
Why do they do this? 🙁

Peace43 · 25/01/2021 17:01

Kids get over divorce... mine did, very quickly! She’s happy as Larry now. You aren’t breaking up your marriage, your husband already broke it. I’m sorry but eventually you’ll be happy again, you just have to get through the next 12 - 18 months and you can do that!

harknesswitch · 25/01/2021 17:04

Your dh broke the marriage vows. He knows how you feel about cheating.

HE'S the one who's broken up the family. Stop blaming yourself. He takes 100% of the fault for breaking up the marriage

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 25/01/2021 17:07

Nope you aren’t breaking up the family, your husbands actions are. Why did you break up- because daddy chose to be unfaithful (obviously don’t say out loud but in your head).

Devilment · 25/01/2021 19:02

You should in no way feel guilty.
If I was in your position, I'd want to know all the facts before making a decision. How long has this been going on, what plans did he have with the OW etc.. This would cement in my mind exactly where he placed value in his family and relationship. Knowing this would certainly remove any guilt you may feel in breaking up the family.

BonnieDundee · 25/01/2021 19:51

Your DH has done the damage by having the affair. Do not let him blame you for breaking up the family. It is on him not you

tootysweety · 25/01/2021 20:07

How did you find out?

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