Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Husband affair, but me breaking up family

42 replies

Violetvlogger · 25/01/2021 15:55

Hi, thanks for reading, just after some opinions,support or advice really from others who may have been in a similar situation. So , basically, I have found out my husband has been unfaithful, but have not yet confronted him about this. I am scared because I know once I do , then our family will be broken. We have a 9 Yr DS child who worships their dad. I have always had very strong feelings on cheating, and have never and will never allow it to happen. It shows a complete and utter lack of respect for me and the family unit . I feel that although it is my husband cheating, ultimately it will be me breaking up the family and breaking DS heart because I can't be with a cheat and we will need to separate. Is it normal to feel like this? 😩that I will be the instigator to the marriage ending? I'm sure if I said nothing things( in his eyes) would carry merrily along , but I can't , I have to address it.

OP posts:

Blanca87 · 25/01/2021 20:19

Your son can still have a great relationship with his dad, before, during and after the separation. You are separating from his dad not breaking up the family.

foxhat · 25/01/2021 20:33

I'm sorry your OP put you through this. He has broken up the family not you and if he has any moral backbone at all that's what he will say to your son. Children do come to terms with separated parents and although it will be hard for your son he will come out the other side.

StarlightSparkle · 25/01/2021 21:13

I was in your position and went ahead with the divorce. It’s now over 2 years since I left him and I have no regrets. I did feel guilt, like you do, and at first it was tough on the kids and he was miserable too. I did think if I could just put up and shut up, they would be happy and it would just be me that was miserable but ultimately I knew I could never feel the same way about him or our marriage again.

I think they would have grown up in a very negative environment if we’d stayed together and that would have affected them too. They are really happy and settled now and used to spending time at both homes. Ex-H was a nightmare during the divorce which made me all the more glad I was getting rid of him!

smudge2011 · 25/01/2021 21:33

I feel exactly like you do OP. Whilst it’s my husband who has betrayed me and I want to end the marriage, I feel like I’m going to be the one who is responsible for my son’s future happiness, even though it’s my husband who has done the infidelity. It’s an awful position to be in.

DrCoconut · 25/01/2021 21:34

Be ready for him and possibly his family/friends to blame you (you broke up the family, you're being too harsh, marriage is for better or worse, he's sorry, if you'd been more attentive/worked more/worked less/some other BS he wouldn't have cheated) but know that it isn't your fault.

CherryRoulade · 25/01/2021 21:57

For a marriage to be sustainable it requires both parties to uphold their vows. Mine included ‘forsaking all others’ as long as we both shall live.

He broke the vows he made; he chose to break up your marriage and your family. It’s appalling if others try an move blame to the innocent and faithful partner.

Original poster

Violetvlogger · 26/01/2021 08:20

Thanks so much everyone for taking the time to read and post. @Alfiemoon1 i found out via an email
I'm going to speak with him later today and see if he can speak with me honestly , although its hard with lockdown, and no family close by, to find the time when DS is not around for any length of time.
Wish me luck, virtual handhols please. Ill keep yo posted

OP posts:

PixelatedLunchbox · 26/01/2021 08:46

@Violetvlogger

Thanks so much everyone for taking the time to read and post. *@Alfiemoon1* i found out via an email

I'm going to speak with him later today and see if he can speak with me honestly , although its hard with lockdown, and no family close by, to find the time when DS is not around for any length of time. Wish me luck, virtual handhols please. Ill keep yo posted

I am sorry you've been put in this heartbreaking position. Was the email pretty conclusive (screenshots, photos, etc) so that he can't claim he's being set up? Do his absences line up with the email information/what you've observed? I'm asking because this has got to be a huge shock to you, and it can be difficult to think 100% clearly under duress.

Before you talk to him, please make sure that in addition to the email, you've gathered everything and anything else that you can. The worst thing in these scenarios is that he gaslights you further, denies it, says someone is out to get him.

I wouldn't show him the email or any other evidence. I would tell him point blank you know he's having an affair, you have conclusive evidence, and he needs to come clean. He will try to find out what you know already, so that he can work that to his advantage.

And do not accept blame from him that you are breaking up the family. That's on him.

Miffyliffy · 26/01/2021 09:08

Definitely him who ended the marriage when he decided to have no respect for you or your family.

Original poster

Violetvlogger · 26/01/2021 09:18

@PixelatedLunchbox that is really good advice, thankyou. Yeah, I did think he would deny it, say he knows nothing of these emails, but I have taken photo's. I won't tell him I have seen them, I will just say I know there is something going on and he needs to be respectful enough to be honest with me, and see what happens from there. I hope full openess, but we will see. I never in a million years thought he would do this, so finding it all a bit surreal and unbelievable, and currently not sure I'd believe a word that comes out of his mouth

OP posts:

PixelatedLunchbox · 26/01/2021 09:48

I have been in your shoes (completely blindsided) and I know it's really hard to keep one's head on straight and powder dry at the moment. But you will fare better if you can do so.

I am hoping you have full access to all financial information as well? Please know that once you let him know you know, everything can accelerate very quickly, and then you do not have any opportunity to get more information as he will delete/destroy.

Time to be as cool, collected and calculating as you can to safeguard your and your ds's future. So sorry you have joined this shitty club of betrayed partners.

harknesswitch · 26/01/2021 11:14

Unfortunately in my experience they will only ever admit to what they think you already know. So put your poker face in when you talk to him and call his bluff

Lauren551 · 26/01/2021 11:18

Good luck you’ve got this x

Thewookiemustgo · 26/01/2021 15:56

Don’t reveal too much too soon to him.
I too was totally blindsided. I found a receipt with his stuff after he had a night away, which didn’t add up at all to what he’d been allegedly doing and who he was allegedly with. As it was only a till receipt it wasn’t much to go on, so I didn’t say anything and let him go to work the next day. It gave me a chance with him at work and the kids at school to do a little digging before I accused him of such a terrible thing. He was so sure I hadn’t got a clue (I hadn’t, I trusted him totally, completely and utterly) that he’d not bothered to clear a search in his iPad, and on the PC (his phone pics got automatically uploaded) he’d been careless about moving a photo into what he later confessed was a new online email account. I also found an old phone in his study drawer. It had clearly been used at some point because of the dates of the junk in it, but he’d wiped everything else. Apparently he’d given her this number (it was our spare emergency phone number) when he first met her so that his main phone wouldn’t have anything in it. As the affair progressed he trusted her enough to have his main number. 🙄 It all gave me enough snippets of information about the OW and the affair to know for sure. There was nothing he could explain away. I could also ask questions without him knowing I knew the answers to see if he was still lying.
Don’t put all your evidence on the table at once. In the shock of discovery they lie, gaslight and minimise and only admit to what they think you know to cover their backs.
Watch what he does with his phone. I noticed that it stayed in his coat pocket when he came home from work on silent. He charged it in a different room than usual and charged it face down. I’d never noticed any of this. When you don’t suspect anything so much blissfully passes you by. And yes, I know how shit all the snooping and sly questions sound. I’m not proud of any of it, but I really couldn’t believe he’d do anything like that to me. I had to know so that he didn’t manage to gaslight me and talk me round.
Good luck and I hope he stops lying. It’s cruel and abusive. X

updownroundandround · 26/01/2021 17:35

@Violetvlogger

You are NOT the 'instigator', HE is !

It was only because he cheated, that you decided that you cannot continue to live with him in marriage.

He broke his marriage vows, not you !

It's all about perception, but think about it like this.........................
If I push a rock off a cliff and it then hits another, causing the second rock to hit a car......................who would you blame??

His 'action' started the whole thing, you are reacting !

Itstimetoquit · 28/01/2021 22:04

How's it going ok x

celticmissey · 28/01/2021 22:24

OP the other postees are right. He ended your marriage when he started the affair. I Found out my OH was having an affair by accident on holiday of all places.It completely blindsided me.

I tried for my dd's sake to make it work, but I just couldn't forgive the betrayal and I ended it. My dd is fine about it. You just need to reassure them they will still see their dad.

Flip

1 2