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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My feelings/his response advice needed

48 replies

AsunaLeafa · 25/01/2021 13:12

I have been with my for 13 years almost 14 and we have 2 children together. Our relationship has had its ups and downs as does any relationship. I have an issue with females being friends with my partner and I cannot seem to shake the gut wrenching sick feeling it gives me, it feels like heartbreak all over again. Bit of back story in 2015 my partner wanted to go on a break as we was fighting alot I was 7 months pregnant at the time and had my son who was 5. He left to go stay with his sister and to sum.it up valentines day he had a one night stand with a Co worker who ended up pregnant. This coworker I didn't like and I had told him that she wanted to be with him and that their friendship made me uncomfortable. He told me.to stop being stupid and she was just a girl at work. Fast forward to him moving out and valentines day 2015 he tells me he is with her and they have slept together, 3 weeks after he wanted to go kn a break.

I forgave him and we worked through things and I live and adore my step son who.is 7 months younger than our daughter.

Now I cant seem.to shake the feeling everytime he gets close to a female I have 0 trust at all in the females. Now I told my partner friday how I felt about a certain girl at work and how I felt and he has made me feel like absoloute shit. Saying kts my issues and problems ans he doesn't care or want to hear about it, that I do this with every female and its stupid, said I need to getbover myself, deal with it and get help as he is not going to stop talking to her or any other girl period. He even slept on the sofa that night and didn't really talk.to.me much for 3 days, felt like I was wrong for feeling the way i do. Question is am I in the wrong or is he? I was expecting Jim.to hug me and tell me not to be silly he loves me and that its just work chatting. But he's made me feel.awful by reacting the way he has, he got so annoyed with me called me a fuxking idiot and said I make him not want to work (I clean at the same.place they do just in different section) he said he feels he has to.tip.toe and avoid her as not to chat to her and piss me off as ill.go.off crying like I always do. Feeling very unloved and hurt atm

OP posts:

Loopylou6 · 25/01/2021 13:16

He's hurt you in the most unforgivable way, he should be doing everything he can to win back your trust, not purposely making you doubt him

TinySongstress · 25/01/2021 13:18

Your feelings are valid imo. He got another woman, a woman you were insecure about pregnant while you were pregnant with his child.

I'd have ruined his life at that point tbh, never mind got back with him.

ravenmum · 25/01/2021 13:20

It's been more than 5 years since the affair you found out about? That does seem quite a long time for you to be questioning him about every woman he brings up - if that accusation is actually true, obviously.

On the other hand, he could make things a lot easier for himself by just not telling you about his work - wouldn't be hard, would it?

Can you get a job somewhere else?

ravenmum · 25/01/2021 13:21

(I wouldn't have stayed with him - my advice is based entirely on the assumption that you are attempting to make things work.)

Original poster

AsunaLeafa · 25/01/2021 14:18

I know that most women wouldn't have took him back but I was pregnant and very vulnerable at that time and we worked through it. I am currently looking for other employment as feel.it would be best. I think I'm.jiat so hurt that he dismisses my feelings as if I'm.in the wrong all I told him.was that I felt uncomfortable and worried

OP posts:

ravenmum · 25/01/2021 14:46

Probably a good idea to get another job elsewhere - a) out of sight, out of mind and b) better if the relationship goes down the drain.

It's understandable that you took him back, but it doesn't sound like you've ever really got over it?

Original poster

AsunaLeafa · 25/01/2021 15:42

I will never get over what he did I still can't speak.to anyone about it as the pain is still.so.raw.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 25/01/2021 15:43

You don't have to live like that.

Original poster

AsunaLeafa · 25/01/2021 15:46

I dont want him to not be able to speak to females but at the same time I'm.telling him how I feel.and he doesn't care or want to know. He tells me.i need to seek help as they are my issues yet if he came to me saying about a guy I was talking to I would listen and do something about it

OP posts:

Perfect28 · 25/01/2021 15:52

Why don't you just leave him? He sounds like a douchebag. Not only what he did which imo is unforgivable but nevermind, but the way he talks to you now? Why put up with this? Do you have very low self esteem?

kennelmaid · 25/01/2021 16:03

What @Perfect28 said

4Mongrels · 25/01/2021 16:15

If the roles were reversed and you’d had a baby with somebody you’d had a one night stand with doe you think he would have worked through it with you?

Do you think he would carry feelings of insecurity if he did work through it?

He’s an arsehole. He betrayed you and is now trying to suggest that the fall out from that is your fault. He caused it.

mylovelydd · 25/01/2021 16:58

I don't think you will ever know peace of mind while you stay with this revolting specimen. He cheated and is doing nothing to put your mind at ease that he won't again.
Please give yourself a chance at being happy in life and get rid.

Original poster

AsunaLeafa · 25/01/2021 17:06

He said that it only happened when we was on a break and not together so it wasn't cheating, still feels like.it though, he's been amazing ever since its just lately that I feel worried again

OP posts:

Perfect28 · 25/01/2021 17:20

Right so he's also gaslighting your emotions too. I don't care if he classes it as cheating or not, he left his pregnant partner who he already had a child with and within weeks got another woman pregnant. Does he not know how to use contraception? Even sleeping with someone else in those circumstances is completely out of order, let alone getting her pregnant. I assume you were left to look after your other child for this 'period' too? And what about how he speaks to you and treats you now? Do you think that's acceptable or normal in a relationship?

Why are you staying around? Are you worried about being alone, financial worries or just can't imagine not being together?

Original poster

AsunaLeafa · 25/01/2021 17:32

He was there for our baby's birth and stayed at mine for a week after to help, he attended scans with her and also went away with her for a weekend.to Yarmouth when our daughter qlwas 2 weeks old he had left her the money to pay for it. He was skyping me the whole.time.he was there saying he wish he hadn't come.ect, they split in May and by sep we was back together. I have 0 self-confidence I've never really been the same.person since. I don't trust anyone at all and I don't have friends as during lockdown I realised that noone qas reaching out to me.once I stopped so.i just let them all go and its been 10 months now so....but I want to know if I need to go get help for my feelings and insecurity because I hate feeling this way

OP posts:

MaeveDidIt · 25/01/2021 17:41

Why are you with such a nasty arsehole of a man.
Don't keep letting him put you through this utter misery.
He doesn't love or respect you.
He doesn't deserve you.

HollowTalk · 25/01/2021 17:43

I couldn't handle my partner having another child while he's with me. I know you were vulnerable then, but you are still vulnerable and very unhappy now. I wouldn't want a future with him.

Original poster

AsunaLeafa · 25/01/2021 17:44

I guess it's because this is the first time in 5 years that I've felt this worried other girla he chats to bothers me but they was in his life since primary school so I have no say in that, but this girl just gives me the same vibes I got before, if it didn't hurt me I wouldn't have mentioned it to him, he's been amazing before this and I felt great but the last week not so much, I wasn't expecting the answer I got.off him it really shocked me.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 25/01/2021 17:47

I think as it’s six years now and it’s still raw to you snd you can’t get over it this relationship can’t survive, it’s not fair on either of you

If you decide to stay you need to be able to forgive and move on. You can’t, and that’s understandable, but you also can’t expect him to live like this and constantly reassure you snd not be allowed to talk to women, at some point what’s happened is what was always going to happen he was going to say that’s enough now

I think you both need to sit down and talk. You can’t get past it, he can’t live under constant scrutiny and control. There’s no way forward.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/01/2021 17:48

Oh my god. He had unprotected sex with another woman while you were pregnant and at home with a small child because the two of you were arguing?

He’s verbally abusive, untrustworthy and disgusting.

Can you imagine how wonderful life would be away from him, the constant reminder of his infidelity and the painful awfulness of knowing you can’t trust him? A home with your two beautiful children, a job where you don’t have to think about him, your peace of mind, the chance to maybe meet someone else down the line who would bring joy to your life?

You don’t have to stay because you went back to him before, or because you got to know his older child. You can break up with him at any point simply he makes you unhappy and is a truly shit partner.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/01/2021 17:49

bluntness he called her a fucking idiot. I think it’s gone past forgive and forget. He’s grim.

Bluntness100 · 25/01/2021 17:50

@AnneLovesGilbert

bluntness he called her a fucking idiot. I think it’s gone past forgive and forget. He’s grim.

I agree but I think once again she wants to stay. I’m not sure there is anything he can do which will convince thr op to leave.

I’m sorry op, but I’m not sure there is.

ElectraBlue · 25/01/2021 17:52

You will never be able to trust that man again...leave him and put yourself and your kids first. Having to live in constant fear that he will cheat again is no way to live.

momtoboys · 25/01/2021 17:52

Clearly he as not been "amazing" ever since. He sounds like a dreadful human being.

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