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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My feelings/his response advice needed

48 replies

AsunaLeafa · 25/01/2021 13:12

I have been with my for 13 years almost 14 and we have 2 children together. Our relationship has had its ups and downs as does any relationship. I have an issue with females being friends with my partner and I cannot seem to shake the gut wrenching sick feeling it gives me, it feels like heartbreak all over again. Bit of back story in 2015 my partner wanted to go on a break as we was fighting alot I was 7 months pregnant at the time and had my son who was 5. He left to go stay with his sister and to sum.it up valentines day he had a one night stand with a Co worker who ended up pregnant. This coworker I didn't like and I had told him that she wanted to be with him and that their friendship made me uncomfortable. He told me.to stop being stupid and she was just a girl at work. Fast forward to him moving out and valentines day 2015 he tells me he is with her and they have slept together, 3 weeks after he wanted to go kn a break.

I forgave him and we worked through things and I live and adore my step son who.is 7 months younger than our daughter.

Now I cant seem.to shake the feeling everytime he gets close to a female I have 0 trust at all in the females. Now I told my partner friday how I felt about a certain girl at work and how I felt and he has made me feel like absoloute shit. Saying kts my issues and problems ans he doesn't care or want to hear about it, that I do this with every female and its stupid, said I need to getbover myself, deal with it and get help as he is not going to stop talking to her or any other girl period. He even slept on the sofa that night and didn't really talk.to.me much for 3 days, felt like I was wrong for feeling the way i do. Question is am I in the wrong or is he? I was expecting Jim.to hug me and tell me not to be silly he loves me and that its just work chatting. But he's made me feel.awful by reacting the way he has, he got so annoyed with me called me a fuxking idiot and said I make him not want to work (I clean at the same.place they do just in different section) he said he feels he has to.tip.toe and avoid her as not to chat to her and piss me off as ill.go.off crying like I always do. Feeling very unloved and hurt atm

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 25/01/2021 17:55

I guess it's because this is the first time in 5 years that I've felt this worried other girla he chats to bothers me

Well clearly something is adrift because he thinks you always do it and “go off crying” when he talks to any woman, where as you think you’ve not done it since this woman six years ago

Bottom line is op, I’m not sure what you want people to tell you. It doesn’t sound like you want to leave, no matter how badly he treats you you will take it. No one can help you make him respect you for it.

HorseOfPhillipMoss · 25/01/2021 17:58

It's not other women you can't trust, it's him. I wouldn't tolerate my husband telling me I couldn't have male friends and would never tell him he can't have female friends, but neither is us has impregnated someone else. If you trust your partner you trust them. If someone is a cheat they will find a way regardless of how many restrictions and rules you impose, which also add tensions to the relationship. You will never feel calm and content while you are with a man who can do that to you, the only solution is to leave. If you won't do that you just need to accept that at some point he may cheat again and you will accept it again.

Original poster

AsunaLeafa · 25/01/2021 18:02

Thanks for the reply everyone x

OP posts:

MaelyssQ · 25/01/2021 18:09

He sounds absolutely horrible and you and your children would be so much happier without him in your life.

Elieza · 25/01/2021 18:10

I think if you are going to stay with him and be happy you need to move past this, come to terms with it, and trust him not to do anything inappropriate with any other woman again.

If you can’t move past it I think you would be happier apart. You need trust to have a happy relationship. You don’t have it with him.

To be honest I don’t think I could move past what he did. I can understand why he’s frustrated with you now because he feels all that bad stuff was in the past and (to quote Ross from friends “we were on a break” so you should be able to trust him as he’s with you now and won’t cheat etc etc) But it’s not just about him and his opinions. Yours are valid too. I wouldn’t trust him either. My heart would have been broken.

So if it’s time to move on do you have the means to survive, anywhere you or he could go in the event you split up? Consider what you want. Have a look on womens aid website and see if there is any help on there.

RantyAnty · 25/01/2021 18:11

He has form for cheating.

You really don't have to live like this.

SeahorseoramI · 25/01/2021 18:19

He sounds awful, op. Truly.

MaMaD1990 · 25/01/2021 18:23

Credit to you for taking him back, not many would. What I would ask you, is it the female friends you don't trust, or him? I don't think every woman he works with or is around wants to shag him so I would imagine it's him you don't trust. You need to either fully trust him and make it work or leave. Its not really fair that this is hung over his head when you've taken him back. For me, if there is no trust, there is no relationship.

Original poster

AsunaLeafa · 25/01/2021 18:31

Maybe I do need therapy then

OP posts:

MrsWindass · 25/01/2021 18:37

Now I cant seemto shake the feeling everytime he gets close to a female I have 0 trust at all in the females

It's not the females that are the problem it is HIM !

SeahorseoramI · 25/01/2021 18:54

Credit to you for taking him back, not many would
What the actual hell. Not many would because it is pointless and will bring nothing but pain.

bringthesummer · 25/01/2021 19:20

Hang on?

You split up in January and he got with her in feb - they broke up in the May and you got back together in the Sept??

So not a one night stand?

Only you know if you want to be with him but do you mention colleagues to him? If you don't think you can trust him, then you need to move on. These feelings will never go away

I had a partner whose jealousy was off the scale and it was draining and it was irritating

MaMaD1990 · 25/01/2021 19:22

@AsunaLeafa **Maybe I do need therapy then

No you don't! You just need to come to terms with the fact that he's been an arse and you either need to stay and completely forgive him and let go of any jealousy or leave him and move on to hopefully a much happier life. Personally, the latter would be the most sensible and less heartache in the long run.

MaMaD1990 · 25/01/2021 19:24

@SeahorseoramI that's nice

Original poster

AsunaLeafa · 25/01/2021 19:29

@bringthesummer sorry I should have been more clear they spent the night together early.hours on valentines morning she threatened to tell me so he had to, he didn't see her again until she messaged him 17th March telling him she was pregnant, he then tried to make a go.of things with her because in his words " he couldn't leave 2 pregnant woman in the same.year" but he just didn't love her or feel anything towards her. She also said she was on the pill and he told her he didn't want a baby and that they wasn't together and that she agreed to get the morning after pill she took the money but went out on the piss instead, almost 6 years later I have a 5 year old step.son

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/01/2021 19:35

She also said she was on the pill and he told her he didn't want a baby and that they wasn't together and that she agreed to get the morning after pill she took the money but went out on the piss instead, almost 6 years later I have a 5 year old step.son

God he's a real burn the witch type isn't he?! Always the woman's fault.

OP, sometimes someone does something so bad that it's impossible to get over it.

You tried. You can't. I don't know anyone who could.

Free yourself, end the relationship, focus on coparenting and start remembering that this man is no prize.

He's a cheater and a bully who is mainly concerned about his image 'I can't leave two pregnant women in a year' made me want to 🤮

You tried. You did your bit. He didn't deserve that but you tried.

Find your peace by ending this relationship.

Elieza · 25/01/2021 20:23

Dump his ass. He is horrible. Sorry OP but to sleep with some woman without a condom is just disgusting. Hope you had an std test and it came back ok and you are well. I think you could do better without him. What’s stopping you leaving him?

Original poster

AsunaLeafa · 25/01/2021 20:37

I did get tested just incase and I was in good health, had to do a dna test to make sure baby was his ( step sons mum has a bit of a reputation) still ca t believe she fell.pregnant 1st time and it takes me.almost 18 months to fall

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 25/01/2021 21:46

I don’t understand your logic op. Why do you need to trust the women?

Is it because you know he will cheat given any chance, so you need to trust the women not to agree to his request to shag him?

When you need to rely on other women not shagging your partner to keep him faithful , then you’re in a really, really bad place.

I do think you do need therapy yes, but more on why you choose to live like this?

ravenmum · 26/01/2021 09:33

till ca t believe she fell.pregnant 1st time and it takes me.almost 18 months to fall
I wouldn't be able to believe it either, especially as it was Valentine's Day that did it; the day when couples get together to celebrate their relationship.

Get some therapy, yes, but not so that you can live with his shite treatment; so that you can live without it.

wheelywheelynice · 26/01/2021 10:11

He doesn't respect you because you took him back after he cheated, everything stems from that.
Get rid of the arse.

OurChristmasMiracle · 26/01/2021 10:20

It’s not the women you need to trust, it’s him. From my point of view someone may well ask me for my number etc but if I’m in a relationship it’s MY responsibility to say “sorry I’m taken”. Yes sure people shouldn’t chase people they know are in a relationship.

As your partner it is HIS job to put then at straight and not allow anything to happen.

He broke your trust. It’s his job to rectify it if he wants the relationship to work. He clearly is just sweeping your feeling under the carpet. He doesn’t care about you, it’s all about him. If he cared he would have comforted you.

Leave him OP and concentrate on yourself.

Bluntness100 · 26/01/2021 10:27

It’s not the women you need to trust, it’s him

Yes, this would be normal but she doesn’t, so she needs to trust other women to reject him to keep him faithful. Hence why she’s looking at them and working out if they would say yes or if she can trust them to say no. Plus whether she thinks he fancies them or not, will increase her risk.

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