Do your friends check in on you?

[PamelaApples]

I feel if I didn't make the first move I wouldn't talk to anyone for months. I am always the one who messages to ask how ppl are, nobody ever asks me first or even once we've started chatting (on WhatsApp not in person re rules). I started a business last June, told them all but not one person since then has asked how its going. They've had job interviews etc and I always ask. Just feel that my feelings don't seem as valid or important as theirs to them. Starting today I'm going to wait to see how long before anyone notices. Just really down and sad about it.

No. I wouldn’t enjoy a friendship where I had to check in or be checked in on. I tend to gravitate to people with whom I can have positive/humorous communication about mutual frames of reference (people we know in common, funny things that have happened, relevant news articles/tv shows etc etc) or for text communications to be about making plans to do stuff, then do the small talk bit about new jobs etc when I see them. If I specifically needed a deeper conversation or some support, I would be the one to go to them for it. Also, me and my friends are all busy people and don’t take not hearing from someone for a while as a slight.

Thanks middleparking. I don't mean they have to check in daily or weekly, I more meant just to say hello, how are you every now and then. Nobody ever does, it's always me first. We have a good time when we go out (pre covid) but now I feel I'm alone. We're all busy and have similar jobs but it's been like this a while and I think I could not contact them for a year and they wouldn't notice.

I think this is a difficult time for everyone - my friends aren't reaching out as much as I'd like them to but I guess they may have their own things going on. I have also taken a step back from messaging because I worry that I might be annoying. I do understand that it is lonely but I think we also need to cut people some slack at the moment because it is such strange times

Super lucky here. Have a group of 6 close friends more Like sisters who I talk to daily on messenger and then a smaller circle
Who I chat with May once a week just to catch up. Usually the chat on WhatsApp starts with a meme of some description.

If a friend had a new business, I'd assume she was far too busy for idle communication. But now I think I should contact people regardless. I'm terrified of bothering people though.

Not many, no. But I'm pretty sure they're dealing with life, kids, jobs etc.
Many just drifted off after I got married, a long time ago.
It's a weird time at the moment.
I'm not a needy person, pretty independent and I have some friends that I'm in regular contact with.

I understand how you feel, though.

OP I get you. There’s been phases where it’s been the same for me. I wonder if this too is just a phase?

The interview thing - same! I always remember things like this, I send cards for birthdays, I remember random appointments they’ve mentioned and always try and be supportive. I think some people are wrapped up in themselves (not sure whether that necessarily means anything in a negative light). I get why you want to take a step back.

Incidentally in the last year I’ve written off two friends. It’s sad but sometimes you have to drawn a line for yourself. I think the idea that ‘everyone is struggling it’s a pandemic’ is even more reason to check on your friends! So that doesn’t wash with me.

I have some good friends as I’m sure you do. The sad and scary truth in life is that you are ultimately alone though. I know it’s not the most uplifting thought but it’s a fact. Your friends are probably busy and caught up in other things, distance yourself for a bit would be my advice. You’ll quickly see you’re ok without them and no doubt they will contact you before long. I understand though, don’t let it make you feel shit

OP
I meant to say I also used to run my own business and friends were even more distant back then. It was child related and they never bought stuff, never asked for a discount, nothing. I often thought they just wanted free stuff or nothing at all.
I just worked on my business and had no expectations of friends being interested at all.

For over 10 years I sent an old friend a Christmas card. Nothing else, just a card. I gave up. We never fell out, no bad words but even just a Christmas card felt too one sided for me so that was it. Friendship over.

I’m lucky that I have a few close friends who do, yes. But I have others who I am sure I would never hear from unless I contacted them. Everyone is different.

These are lonely, scary times, and I do think it is important for people to check up on each other, especially anyone who lives alone/may not have the happiest of home-lives, now more than ever! Sending a “How are you doing?” Text is the work of 3 seconds, or something. But it could make all the difference........

I speak to one friend pretty much every day, others weekly or longer. I have in the past done most of the contact, nowadays I don't so much, because of that.

The lockdown/pandemic generally, has made me realise how much/little I need certain people, and vice versa. I will be a different person when we surface from this situation.

Life is quite monotonous at the moment for most people... groundhog day.. Ive got loads of amazing friends but we dont chat as much because there’s nothing to talk about!! You know the relationship hasnt changed though theres just nothing going on.

Some of my best friends have gone quiet, dealing with their own shit right now, trying to make it through

This is not the right time to “test” friendships OP

If you normally reach out first, they’ll just assume you are busy anyway

Yes. I have two close friends and my sister with whom I have an almost daily messaging relationship with. It is mutual though, and done with the understanding that messages will not be instantly replied to if we’re busy.

Im grateful for them.

I absolutely feel for you OP. I've often felt like the friend most "friends" don't give a shit about too. I'm obviously an arsehole but don't realise it, would be the typical Mumsnet response to this.

I did the "don't contact anyone and see who gets in touch" thing some years back because I was fed up of making the first move all the time. It was pretty revealing.

Over the following years, I've gained several good friends where it's an equal and genuine friendship. I'm happy now.

What I learnt was, it wasn't me, it was just that I'd picked the wrong people as friends. What I'm trying to say in a roundabout way is please don't feel bad. I know it hurts though. Try to widen your social circle (I know, difficult at the moment!) as you probably just haven't met the right people yet.

Thanks everyone. Not heard from anyone all week but I went for a walk alone and saw 3 of them from our WhatsApp chat out for a walk together. Made me sad they'd obvs been in touch with each other and not bothered with me, although they are breaking the rules.

@PamelaApples that's rotten isn't it? Did they see you? Shame on them, yes I know it's flouting the rules (and you would've been had you gone too) but I'd be pretty upset about this.

Don't lose any sleep over it OP, however much it hurts, they really aren't worth it

@PamelaApples

Thanks everyone. Not heard from anyone all week but I went for a walk alone and saw 3 of them from our WhatsApp chat out for a walk together. Made me sad they'd obvs been in touch with each other and not bothered with me, although they are breaking the rules.

Oh sorry op that’s tough. I had similar with some friends who started excluding me from their activities ( in fact once messaged saying “we’ve met up but didn’t invite you”). Even though I am fairly confident and in my mid thirties it made me feel like a left over teenager! I’ve literally thought about this situation for ages, and it’s only now after 2 years I’m starting to get passed out (I mean it hasn’t taken up my every waking moment but when I think about it I feel a Ping of sadness).

I’d say try to nurture your other friendships rather than withdraw from them. I’ve done the “well I won’t bother with them and see what happens” thing and it didn’t go well.

The majority of your friends are probably just busy, caught up in life and haven’t realised they are neglecting their friendship with you. Others will be moving on and if that’s the case just try to let them going without taking it personally.

AMID. that's awful to send you a message saying we met up and didn't invite you. What a horrible thing to do

Long story for me, but I'm not going through, so I'll cut to the chase.

4 years ago, when I was at the brink of a severe medical and life threatening issue because of my ex, I saw sense and I left her. Prior to this, on Thursday nights I would be in the pub with a regular group of friends and would have 3 or 4 pints maximum, it was the only night of the week I went out and was gone for 2-2.5 hours at the most.

Being in a little village, the rumours were rife, but I kept my head down and let them ride over me. A few weeks after I'd moved out, I'd heard nothing from anyone, my pub friends, brother, sisters or anyone. No texts, calls or emails, even a visit to my new home. Having been more or less being busy 24/7 sorting my life out, I decided to go to the pub, I walked in at 8.30, 7 of my friends were there saw me a turned away, no greeting, nothing, I thought that odd, but went to the bar, the landlady appeared and announced as loud as she could, "get out, you're barred"! I asked why and was told, "you know", not one of my friends said a thing, so I turned and left. Since then, not one of the friends present on the night have said a word and even ignore me in the street.
Some of these so called friends were in my class as school, I worked with and helped out many times when they needed a hand, but they turned their backs on me a the drop of a hat, because I did something that they see as wrong, but I had to do to save my life.

I'll never lift a finger to help any of them again, even if they are in a medical emergency and need urgent help, their attitude towards me will return to haunt them.

I messaged all the people I considered friends when the first lockdown happened to check they were ok and let them know I was thinking of them. I haven’t been checking in on everyone since, only a handful for various reasons. Not to receive one message is poor, I don’t expect constant checking in unless I had said I was going on/was worried.

Yeah, it depends on the friendship and what's been going on in our lives. Some of my friends will just check in and say hi, fancy a chat quite regularly (few times a month) and with others we leave it longer. Never had any hassle about it.

Many people are focussed on their basic needs, and getting through the day - particularly if home schooling. I think when times improve, people will reach out more to their friendships again. I wouldn’t see it as ‘no one contacts me unless I contact them first’ - as it turns into an exchange or what is owed. I have several friendships where we don’t speak for months - but our friendship remains.

Maybe it’s my age, but I’m completely done with any ‘everyone was invited except me’, or being excluded/ignored. I really don’t care anymore. If they want to chat to me great - if they don’t that’s fine too.

I find it annoying to be “checked in on” tbh.

I wouldn’t make any decisions about friendships until the Covid crisis is over personally. People are trying to cope in their own ways with various challenges and may not be behaving how they normally would.

I’m a bit wary about contacting people because I feel like I am so boring at the moment with nothing to say.
Pre Covid I was always out and about so had things to talk about and funny stories to tell. Now nothing at all.
When I have seen people everyone just wants to talk about Covid and I find it pulls my mood down even more.
Not really sure what the answer is.