Do your friends check in on you?

[PamelaApples]

I feel if I didn't make the first move I wouldn't talk to anyone for months. I am always the one who messages to ask how ppl are, nobody ever asks me first or even once we've started chatting (on WhatsApp not in person re rules). I started a business last June, told them all but not one person since then has asked how its going. They've had job interviews etc and I always ask. Just feel that my feelings don't seem as valid or important as theirs to them. Starting today I'm going to wait to see how long before anyone notices. Just really down and sad about it.

I haven't got any friends so no, they don't

My family do though, and I check in with them.

It does feel strange ringing people to say hi and not having anything else to say and that makes it difficult.

That sucks OP, I’m sorry. I agree with others - I think covid is forcing a lot of people to either change how they are as friends (because of life pressures, changing priorities, Zoom fatigue etc) or realise that they are more of/less of a priority with particular people than they thought.

I wouldn’t make any dramatic exits just now, but fine to quietly decide what works for you/what you need and pursue that.

(And yes, fwiw, I’m a checker-inner and also like being checked in on - to me it means someone is thinking of me, keeping me in mind. If there’s too much of the former and none of the latter, I’m not going to stick around.)

Some of my best friends have gone quiet, dealing with their own shit right now, trying to make it through. This is not the right time to “test” friendships OP

^ this and many interesting replies.

It’s been painful. Not COVID especially for me, but shit life syndrome sorta thing when I feel I deserve a bit more.

But can you work through the pain OP? Of realisations re friendship and how they relate to your own true self? It may take time. But it may pay dividends. Patience. In my fantasy world, after Covid, we will all be closer to understanding what’s really important.

I wouldn’t enjoy a friendship where I had to check in or be checked in on

I agree. When there’s a weird duty vibe.

Acknowledgement of connection is a different feeling - it seems that way to me. It’s more ephemeral, less frequent and hard to probe. But it does exist.

Not really. But I know they would be there for me if I needed them, and that's what counts.

prove!

but I guess probe will do!

One does. The rest, it all comes from me. I am the person who reaches out, asks how people are doing, suggests chats and meetups, offers help when needed etc. My friends will help out and be there if I ask, for the most part, but I'm the only one who offers without being asked. I think it's quite common for people who check in with others and like to offer to be helpful to end up being friends with people who don't reach out first and need to be asked as I see it all the time.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd ever hear from my friends again if I stopped reaching out, but it doesn't mean they don't like me otherwise why would they all respond when I do reach out. It's like that's just the dynamic of how things are and they're relying on me to schedule/check in/offer things just as much as I'm relying on them responding to me. Not everyone knows how to initiate a conversation or meet up. I've had friends before who won't initiate anything because they're afraid of rejection not because they don't like their friends.

Most people are either very busy or self-absorbed or both. True friends genuinely care for you and you know when this is true, even when you don't hear from them for weeks and months. With a family and a demanding job i have little time for regular catch ups. I don't expect my friends to check in weekly or even monthly. I do however 100% expect them to have my back as I would have theirs, that's non negotiable.