Do some women bring out the romantic in a man and others do not?

[Ellena646]

Hi, so I've got Covid and have been sick for over two weeks. I'm in a long-distance relationship with a man, and before restrictions at the end of October we were seeing each other every weekend but now are relying on FaceTime, phone and WhatsApp. I know that he sent his ex - also a long-distance relationship - flowers all of the time because she has a public Facebook page and she would post them, and although I do know it's not healthy I did snoop and wow, he sent her a lot of flowers, just because, but also if she was even the slightest bit sick. He hasn't sent me any, and I am wondering if I'm feeling low about this because I feel really low anyway at the moment, or if anyone else has been with a man who was very romantic with past lovers but not with them? Should I worry about that? It's not a deal breaker, my ex was unromantic too and we were together twenty years, I am just not sure if I should read anything into it or not, like she brought out the romantic in him and I don't?

Hope you feel better soon, OP.

I do think a partner's behaviour can bring out the romantic side. Especially when women fawn over men who show them the slightest bit of attention; I think that can encourage the romantic behaviour you describe.
What is more important is practical help, like when someone gives you time to chat when you're feeling unwell, or who offers to bring you meals. Has he done that?

He obviously wants to maintain a relationship with his ex and to be seen as "nice guy". Do you feel threatened by that (I would a bit)? Is his ex more glamourous? Does he want to get back with her? Does he posit the "she'd more vunerable/ less self sufficient/not as strong as you line?

Also, I think some people set out their expectations at the start of a RL like mentioning they really like to receive flowers or make clear their expectation to receive expensive gifts. That they like to be treated like a princess etc. Sometimes it's a case of "those that don't ask, don't get."

I used to go for equality - always paid my share in pubs/restaurants, never asked for gifts and that's how it went on.

I'm in my mid fifties and regret not demanding a bit more ostentatious displays of affection. An older work colleague who loved Poldark (original with Robin Ellis) used to say that you should ask yourself are you Demelza (the unappreciated, helpmeet holding it all together, getting her hands wrecked and dirty) or Elizabeth (the pretty princess, getting waited on) and is that who you want to be?

My Best friend's mum was totally unappreciated by her grumpy, moaning H and always told us to marry someone who loved you a bit more than you loved them as you would be happier.

I'm sorry you have been ill and hope you feel better soon. It would have been a lovely gesture for him to send you something.

Hi EpochTime, thanks for your reply. He is too far away to bring meals, he does offer to call me if I'm feeling low, but often dominates the conversation with his own problems, which I don't mind as I'm a typical Cancerian nurse but I guess having seen how he was in his very public online Facebook relationship, I feel like maybe I'm not enough for him...

Hi SapatSea, thank you for your message. He is not sending his ex flowers at the moment, this was when they were together. I did mention when we met that my ex was lacking in the affection/romance department, but I stayed with him for other more practical and important reasons like he was a wonderful father and my best friend. I always pay my way and have never asked for gifts, I suppose I am looking at his adoration of her - always telling her she was 'stunning' and sending the flowers etc. and bought her a diamond ring for their first Christmas together and I got a diary. I'm not materialistic, but I am also really inexperienced with relationships because I was married for so long, that I'm not sure if I am being over sensitive, or if maybe I am not enough for him and his actions reflect that?

Dominating the conversation with his own problems and wanting to be seen as the nice guy (buying flowers when he probably knows they'll be displayed on FB for others to see) are narcissistic traits. You are enough for him, but are you sure you want to be with someone like that?

Was she with him longer than you? Maybe they lived together etc
Can understand how you're feeling though, if he's capable of been romantic but not on you.
If men don't keep up the romance with me, I feel bored and unloved, Prehaps it not the relationship for you? and it's long distance which must be frustrating.

It wouldn’t be ok for me. I’d be questioning the relationship. If you want that stuff then find somebody who gives it. It’s not him. You don’t have to accept sub standard behaviour

I am looking at his adoration of her - always telling her she was 'stunning' and sending the flowers etc. and bought her a diamond ring for their first Christmas together and I got a diary.

It sounds like you are 2nd best.
Bin him.

He's sending flowers to his ex but not to you? Come on you know what to do - get rid!

Only time I've ever seen 'romantic' is from a narcissist who is lovebombing. It gives me the Heebie jeebies.

That being said I've always said that I wish I could find 'tenderness' in a relationship. I've only ever seen it once.

Yeah , I don’t think it’s a good sign personally. Some people may not be romantic full stop , but if he was romantic then he’s not that’s probably a sign of a difference in feelings . Diamonds and flowers are romantic gifts , a diary is not - it’s practical and sensible . I probably wouldn’t continue with this guy. Especially when he calls you up to talk about himself .
I hope you feel better soon op and meet a lovely one x

I think some people can be a bit chameleon-like and change their behaviour to suit their partner, so if she liked lots of attention maybe he bought her flowers whereas maybe he sees you as more down to earth and practical so doesnt feel the need to give gifts to show he's romantic. My male cousin went from dating a woman who he spent all his time with in pubs, watching sport, going to gigs etc to the next girlfriend who he bought poetry books for as gifts and spent his evenings baking bread with her. I'm not sure which, if either, is the real him.

Thank you all so much. I am really grateful to get fresh perspectives on this as it's made me uncomfortable for days. They were friends for five years and then dated , during which he really publicly romantically adored her, ending with a diamond for her first Christmas, and we've only been together a few months, online at first and then the summer was spent together when restrictions lifted for a while, and now apart again during lockdown, which I completely support. I guess I've just seen how he can be in a long distance relationship and am not feeling that, although I do see the point about flowers on Facebook feeding a narcissist trait. A friend sent me some flowers, and the next day he sent me a book of love poems from Amazon, I really like reading, but when I read it it's all about broken hearts and sadness so he clearly hadn't read it first. Nice gesture and I was grateful, but also felt a bit...odd.. He and his ex were very demonstrative as a couple online about their feelings with 'I love yous' etc. and I am a very private person, I only post pictures of my kids and dogs for my close friends! I am shy too so I don't feel I can raise this with him, I don't want to sound like a 'princess' I've always thought of myself as a queen to my man's king... maybe I'm neither in his eyes?

Men tend to be very romantic with me, but I make it abundantly clear that’s what I like and expect.

However, I think since he was like this with his ex you definitely deserve the same treatment. This would be a red flag for me.

Have you done love languages together? I feel loved when DP spends time with me and though physical touch. He feels loved through service and time. Neither of us are motivated by gifts but we have both had to work at helping the other feel loved by understanding their love language. I have friends who love gifts and I have to consciously think about it when they are unwell etc. Maybe his ex felt loved with gifts rather than other things.

Hi BooFuckingHoo2, thanks for your reply. Can you tell me how you make it abundantly clear that it's what you like and expect? I guess you tell them, but is there a way to do that?

See, all that stuff sounds manipulative and fake to me. Maybe he's grown up a bit?

Bear in mind that she's an ex for a reason. Maybe she told him it was all too much.

Couples that post I love yours constantly (not just once in a while) and photos of all loved up ALL THE TIME are usually the ones that are the most unhappinest. Why do they need to say I love you to each other on social media all the time? So others can see it. So they care what others think about them.
It's usually a load of crap.
Talk to him. Say flowers would be a nice thing. But don't believe social media. That is separate to what is really going on and that is you would like some more attention from him?

Hi BooFuckingHoo2, thanks for your reply. Can you tell me how you make it abundantly clear that it's what you like and expect? I guess you tell them, but is there a way to do that?

So for instance I’d say “oh I’m a romantic person, I love it when a man buys me flowers” or “XYZ is ill and her boyfriend sent her some flowers, what a lovely thing to do!” Or I have even been as direct before to say “I think a man should buy you flowers on your birthday” or “it’s such a turn off when men put no effort into romantic gifts”.

Bitter, me not you. Experience says

Those who don’t ask, don’t get!

Could it be that he was previously very romantic but after being hurt in that relationship is a bit more closed and cautious? Hence getting her a diamond ring in a big excited show of affection but after that relationship ending being more guarded with you, especially as it's early days?

Why don't you ask him? Either ask him how come he doesn't for you and did for her or even just tell him that you'd love it if he sent you flowers every now and again. My DP is the kind of guy that needs to be explicitly told if there is something I would like him to do for me. I used to drop hints, for example there's particular flowers that I love that had come into season, every time we'd go past them and I'd point out how lovely they were, hoping he would get me them, he never did. One day I just said I would love it if he surprised me with flowers sometimes, so he did and got the ones I loved.
Also, do you do things like that for him? Maybe his ex would sent him surprises so he would reciprocate. There could be so many different reasons other than that he was more into her. I remember reading somewhere thay people are like chemicals, when two different ones come together they can behave and react completely differently to if they were to encounter another chemical. I definitely think there's some truth in that.

Yes, I did wonder about the Facebook stuff although they did seem so smitten, until he had to publicly announce the engagement was off...but even after they had separated she was posting flowers from him for two years (not while he was with me) but she ended it so I worry he's not over it. It is a turn-off for me when men don't buy romantic gifts, for me anyway but I appreciate that some people might like them. My friend's partner bought her a new set of cookware and she was thrilled because she likes to cook.. I am just a romantic softie and worry that because I accepted it from my ex I ended up unhappy and feeling more mate than lover, and that it might happen again, but that people-pleasing part of me says, yeah buy me a diary that works.. when it doesn't work. It's not materialistic, I don't need a diamond or anything of monetary worth,, just something small and heartfelt?

To answer your question, yes. Every relationship is different.

However, isn't it obvious why he's being lovey-dovey with her, maybe because he loved her more? I know that might be hurtful to hear, but the fact that you're questioning things and comparing your relationship might be your intuition warning you of that.

It doesn't mean he's faking feelings for you. He may have just loved her more. And to be fair, its to be expected that he's going to feel more deeply for somebody he was friends with for 5 years and then had a relationship with in comparison to somebody he met on OLD and has being long distance with for a couple of months.

Maybe he needs more time to get to know you before that level of romance kicks in for him.

And to be fair, its to be expected that he's going to feel more deeply for somebody he was friends with for 5 years and then had a relationship with in comparison to somebody he met on OLD and has being long distance with for a couple of months.

This was my thinking too - he also got to know what she liked over time and presumably like a PP she likely made it clear she really loved getting flowers. She may also have said PDAs on Facebook were important to her.

Overanalysing his past relationship to this extent, plus allowing him to dominate the conversation, suggests this relationship probably doesn't have legs I'm afraid.