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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice on step families

47 replies

Jellybean789 · 24/01/2021 23:30

My partner has 2 adult kids. Early 20s, both boys. My partner and I have lived together for 3 years. His kids have never lived with us so there’s not that level of comfort for me when they come round unannounced and I feel there’s no boundaries. Sometimes I am in the shower or I have to hide quickly because I’m not dressed when they come round. The other week they came round at 10pm unannounced wanting to have a drinking session. Sometimes we are in the middle of cooking tea or eating tea when they come by and it always seems to be for a piss up. As much as I want them to feel welcome, it’s my home and I want to feel comfortable too. Is there anyone who has had similar experiences who can give me advice. I know Covid might come up in some responses but just to confirm, I don’t live in the UK.

OP posts:

MMmomDD · 24/01/2021 23:37

I guess the question is what does your partner thinks about it?
Has it always been this way for him and his kids since before he met you?
Has this been the case since you have moved in together and have you never said anything?

Original poster

Jellybean789 · 24/01/2021 23:48

Its come up a few times. It’s probably got worse this last year as there’s not much else to do so they see our house as a “night out” I want them to feel welcome to come round but I walk on eggshells at times not able to relax as I never know when they might come unannounced. If we had got together when they were young and they had lived with us then I’m sure it wouldn’t bother me as much but I met them as adults and so I need an element of privacy. I would say he probably had more structure previous to me as they were younger so wouldn’t have just been able to pop round on their own.

OP posts:

Fudgsicles · 24/01/2021 23:57

I think you need to have a frank discussion with your DP. I would hate this as well, like you say, you cannot relax. I don't agree with adult step children being able to rock up whenever they feel like, it isn't their home. What if you were having sex in the day or something!

They need to message and find out if it's convenient to visit. The late night drinkig sessions may be trickier to deal with if your DP is happy with it, but I know I would also hate this.

I have a (just) adult 'step' child (I'm not married) and I was finding the long visits difficult. When it was 8 or 9 hours and got to nearly 11pm and I was highly stressed, I knew I had to bring it up with DP. Luckily that got sorted but I know step child would be here a lot more if they could, and for very long periods, as they are bored at home.

I'm autistic so struggle hugely around people I'm not comfortable with and I really don't like 8/9 hours with someone that I don't live with.

billy1966 · 24/01/2021 23:58

OP,

It is perfectly reasonable to state clearly that you would like them to call ahead.

Is it your home or shared?

If it is your home you need to spell it out even more clearly.

Anyone turning up 10pm without checking and expecting a piss up is ridiculous.

It sounds as if your partner is happy with it...

So he doesn't have much consideration or respect for you, so it's unlikely his son's will either.

You have a partner problem.

Fixing it involves you having bou6and self respect.

Spell out what you want.

Otherwise suck it up and accept that you are with someone who doesn't care about what you want and is about suiting himself.

SandyY2K · 24/01/2021 23:59

Do they have a key to o your house?
Perhaps it's different lifestyles and set up of your house, but if I've just got out of the shower, then my next location is the bedroom to get dressed. Nobody visiting would see me semi naked.

Original poster

Jellybean789 · 25/01/2021 00:06

Thank you, it’s nice to hear I’m not being totally unreasonable. I think they should call ahead before coming. If we are in & free then great come round. It gives me a heads up to get decent. But like @Fudgsicles said, if they come unannounced, what if we were having sex on the sofa? I think if they walked in on us doing that, that would be too much for me. I think my partner half likes being their “mate” and having a drink with them but also feels like he can’t say no to them. It’s my partners house but I have lived here 3 years but I’m at the point where I think we need to buy somewhere together as I like you say I don’t feel there’s any respect at times that I live here.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jellybean789 · 25/01/2021 00:09

@SandyY2K yes they have keys & the layout of the house means I would have to pass the front door to get to where my things are after a shower.

OP posts:

Fudgsicles · 25/01/2021 00:27

Oh dear, your DP thinks he's their mate!

You need to talk to him. He may not have realised that you have an issue with this. Say that you feel uncomfortable and why. Now that they are adults, why do they use their keys? It isn't their mum and dad's house so the boundaries should be different. I still have a key from where I grew up but I stopped using it for a long time after I moved out. It was only when this was queried and I was told to keep using it that I did. Once I'd left I was never that presumptuous to think I could walk in whenever I liked.

Milkshake7489 · 25/01/2021 00:53

It's difficult because all families are different. In my family adult children aren't really seen as visitors and both my mum and my dad/stepmum are happy for their adult children to come unannounced. It's very much a case of 'this will always be your home' and we all have keys.

My inlaws on the other hand would hate it if we turned up unannounced!

Did you not discuss any of this before moving in together? You should feel comfortable in your own home but it could also be a deal breaker for your partner.

billy1966 · 25/01/2021 01:02

OP,

So they have been doing this a long time and it's their father's house.

You partner is happy with it and wants to be their mate.

You are not his priority.

He shoukd understand that things have changed now that you ha e moved in and you would like the courtesy of a ca to check its ok.

Unfortunately, its his house and his priority is his long relationship with his sons.

It's understandable.

You need to have an honest conversation

A new house will make NO difference if you don't have the conversation.

Original poster

Jellybean789 · 25/01/2021 07:00

@Milkshake7489 on those unannounced visits would the adult children just walk in? I want his sons to think of it as their home but they don’t live here so there needs to be boundaries for my own privacy. @Fudgsicles I don’t mind them having their own keys I would just like them to call ahead before coming and using it. And not come round at silly times. I wanted to cry when they came round at 10pm they night unannounced. I would never just go to my mums house where I don’t live unannounced at 10pm and start having a drinking session. When I moved in things weren’t really like this as they saw each other a lot doing things out the house.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 25/01/2021 07:47

Even if they have a key, they shouldn't just open and walk in. What if you're having an intimate session in the living area.

If I'm not expecting anyone and the door just went, it can be startling. Speak to your DH about it. They keys should be used when you're not there or when you're expecting them.

KatherineJaneway · 25/01/2021 07:56

You need to talk to your partner. Some families just drop in on each other unannounced others, a call is expected. You need to get some basic rules in place quickly as this sounds like it has become habit.

Milkshake7489 · 25/01/2021 10:39

Yeah we just walk in and shout hello... it's literally the same expectations as when we lived at home (my mum especially is confused if we ask before helping ourselves to food etc.).

I'm not sure if I will feel the same when my baby grows up, but it's really important to them that we see their homes as ours 🤷‍♀️

Original poster

Jellybean789 · 25/01/2021 11:23

@Milkshake7489 I completely get that if it’s just one or both parents living in the house but when it’s a step parent who hasn’t lived with the kids or been involved in bringing them up, there’s not that level of comfort for me. I want them to feel welcome but it’s just I want to feel an element of privacy too.

OP posts:

Santaiscovidfree · 25/01/2021 11:29

I have adult dc who never lived here. They are free to come and go as they please . My dh (not their df) is always pleased to see them. As am I.
Still part of our family not guests.

Milkshake7489 · 25/01/2021 11:43

I understand OP (i would probably feel the same!). I just know that this is a deal breaker for some.

Without giving too much personal information away, my mum is currently considering moving in with a new partner and I know this has been discussed as a non negotiable (despite us saying we really don't mind things changing to give them privacy!).

Anyway, it might not be a big deal to your partner. Speak to him and see.

Original poster

Jellybean789 · 25/01/2021 11:44

@Santaiscovidfree if you don’t mind me asking, how does that work for private time? Do you both have the mindset that nothing can happen until you know for sure they won’t be coming round?

OP posts:

DinosaurDiana · 25/01/2021 11:45

They absolutely should be calling ahead. I would hope they would do that for anyone, family is no different.

Santaiscovidfree · 25/01/2021 12:00

I would be pretty devastated if my dh decided my dc needed to check it was OK they called round..

Original poster

Jellybean789 · 25/01/2021 12:08

@Santaiscovidfree some people have different personal boundaries. So if your partner is ok with it that’s fine. I would feel comfortable about my own family popping round. But i think when it’s not your family that’s different and if the step parent feels uncomfortable in their own home would that not need to be considered? As much as I like them, they are not my family, I don’t live with them and would feel extremely horrified if they walked in when me and my partner were being intimate. Or if I was getting out the shower and they walked in. They are adult males and I’m female, if a phone call to give the heads up is all It takes to make sure I am decent is that really unreasonable?

OP posts:

Santaiscovidfree · 25/01/2021 12:24

We shower first thing /before and private time is in private in our bedroom!! If a house was in darkness can't imagine anyone would let themselves in and enter an adult's bedroom announcing put the kettle on!!

Nanny0gg · 25/01/2021 13:06

@Jellybean789

Thank you, it’s nice to hear I’m not being totally unreasonable. I think they should call ahead before coming. If we are in & free then great come round. It gives me a heads up to get decent. But like *@Fudgsicles* said, if they come unannounced, what if we were having sex on the sofa? I think if they walked in on us doing that, that would be too much for me. I think my partner half likes being their “mate” and having a drink with them but also feels like he can’t say no to them. It’s my partners house but I have lived here 3 years but I’m at the point where I think we need to buy somewhere together as I like you say I don’t feel there’s any respect at times that I live here.

Ah. Was it ever their home when they were younger?

That makes it a 'bit' different. But they should just be able to walk in without knocking

Nanny0gg · 25/01/2021 13:07

[quote Jellybean789]@Santaiscovidfree if you don’t mind me asking, how does that work for private time? Do you both have the mindset that nothing can happen until you know for sure they won’t be coming round?[/quote]
The door would be locked so they couldn't get in even with a key

Original poster

Jellybean789 · 25/01/2021 13:51

@Nanny0gg it was never their family home. They just stayed living with their mum when they split up. They live nearby so they never did the 2 houses thing.

OP posts:

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