Advice on step families

[Jellybean789]

My partner has 2 adult kids. Early 20s, both boys. My partner and I have lived together for 3 years. His kids have never lived with us so there’s not that level of comfort for me when they come round unannounced and I feel there’s no boundaries. Sometimes I am in the shower or I have to hide quickly because I’m not dressed when they come round. The other week they came round at 10pm unannounced wanting to have a drinking session. Sometimes we are in the middle of cooking tea or eating tea when they come by and it always seems to be for a piss up. As much as I want them to feel welcome, it’s my home and I want to feel comfortable too. Is there anyone who has had similar experiences who can give me advice. I know Covid might come up in some responses but just to confirm, I don’t live in the UK.

He is their df regardless of age or address..
Would you be happy if you needed an appointment to see your dp?

My experience of being a stepmother has been very successful indeed. But the only reason for this is that DH and I worked together all the time and presented a united front. Without that unity it would have been a disaster.

You need to talk it all out with your DH and agree a joint position. It's foundational. If he can't or won't see your point you're in trouble.

@Santaiscovidfree it’s not an appointment it’s a heads up. @PrawnofthePatriarchy did you live with your step kids? Or was it the same as my situation

With the family it’s open the door and shout hello. Never ring or text in advance. With my parents I don’t even shout hello I just walk in. I however wouldn’t use my key at my parents if they where home if the doors locked I knock. With dh he just puts the key in and boom.

With our house however both parents text or call before arriving since well they never lived here and anit our children.

If my step dad suddenly decided I had to call in advance I’d think he was off his rocker and pressured mum into it as she doesn’t care would be a very big hmmmmm about him from there forward.

@nanny0gg

Oh no, if I ever call round to see my parents to find the key in the door I'll know exactly what they are up to now 😂

Maybe we need to start locking the door from the inside then. I guess that might avoid any awkward situations.

@Milkshake7489 😂

[quote Milkshake7489]@nanny0gg

Oh no, if I ever call round to see my parents to find the key in the door I'll know exactly what they are up to now 😂[/quote]
🤣🤣

I have keys to my Mum's house and she mine but would never ever use them unless by prior arrangement, i.e. need to pick up/drop off something or running late. It's just basic common courtesy.
It's worrying that your DP is facilitating these drinking sessions and he probably really enjoys them despite knowing your discomfort.
I totally get what you mean by not growing up with the kids, that makes a massive difference. I feel awkward staying at my DP's when his DS is around. I just can't relax. I can't relax fully, difficult to explain to anyone who doesn't 'get' it.
I think you need to have the convo with your DP before you start to feel resentful. With cooperation from him, it can be sorted.

My DS will always have a key and can always come home. I was always welcome at my DF's and he used to be thrilled with a surprise visit, or if I needed something. My DS is always welcome but he couldnt just rock up at 10pm to get pissed up. I would be in bed.

I think they should call ahead before coming. If we are in & free then great come round.

I agree with that. They are no longer children.

If your DP is happy with it then I think it would be quite sad for them to have to impose a greater level of formality of their relationship solely because of you.

I don't think you're being horrible or unreasonable at all - I do see your point of view, I really do - but I would think carefully about whether there is something more practical you can do like locking the door on the inside if you're worried about being naked or similar when they come over. It is possible that trying to alter this free and close aspect of their relationship could lead to a bit of resentment which is best avoided.

Do you have children yourself? As much as I may see a new partner's point on a rational level in a scenario like this, emotionally I wouldn't take very kindly to being required to tell my children they have to check before they're welcome to come over if that wasn't the kind of relationship I wanted with them.

Tricky.

Sack that for a lark. My DH has 2 boys of a similar age and there’s no way they’re just waltzing into our house like they own the place.
They have never lived with us and it’s not their house. Obviously they can’t come round at the moment because of covid, but when they could it was by prior arrangement, or sometimes a quick pop in. They don’t just rock up and enter my house unannounced.

Husbands mother used to walk in to our (my ) house unannounced, to be honest at the time I was horrified, but didn’t point out that it was my house, I merely ensured that the chain was always on the door, or the door was locked.

She almost smashed that door several times, thank goodness the chain was strong, but we could have been doing anything !

Who doesn’t knock or ring, and wait until a door is answered ??

If I knock at my in-laws before coming in I get told off 🤣 I'm always told to just come in anytime as I'm family.

I think it's just a difference in boundaries. At my parents I'd have to plan ahead and knock as they keep the door locked and I don't have a key.

Get a chain for the front door? Or lock it with the key in when going for a shower etc

Sorry to take so long in replying, Jellybean789. My DSD came every weekend from early evening Friday to mid evening Sunday, as her DM worked then.

My DSD was seven when I married her DF. She's 40 now and we're very close.

Like I said, DH and I presented a united front. If you haven't got each other's back then even the nicest kid will play one off the other. It helped that we had the same basic ideas about family life.

She almost smashed that door several times, thank goodness the chain was strong, but we could have been doing anything!

@PinkPlaidPetals How shocking Surely she knew there was a chain and needed to knock?

Are you all in a bubble?

I can't believe some people would be "devastated" if their partners wanted a heads up. I thought this was just common courtesy.

My mum is the only person with a key to mine and my husband's house and that's only as she needs it to let herself in to help us when we're out. She would never use it if DH was in the house and would only use it with me alone in the house if I said to let herself in, knowing when she was on the way over.

I have a key to her house but only as a backup for her. I don't even have it on my keyring and she does live with my dad.

We would not just go round to the other house, expecting to be welcomed in, would always be a text or call first and would not ever be offended if the other was too busy.

The day either of us used our key for the others house without reason or just to pop by, would be the day the key was removed.

@Tempusfudgeit

Are you all in a bubble?

@Tempusfudgeit if you read the very first post you will see this isn't relevant.

It’s tricky. It doesn’t occur to my husband as an issue. It’s different now we’ve moved to a house that is ‘ours’ rathe4 than his. But yes, we’ve been having a bit of private time to hear a cheery hello downstairs in the hall.

We got a lock on the bedroom door. And sometimes lock the front door. TBF they usually text to see if we are in.