How to not taking ghosting personally- feeling low and in a funk

[piddocktrumperiness]

Hi all
I've matched with a guy in September last year and we went on several dates. He was lovely and as we lived in different cities, lockdown restrictions made it difficult to meet up. We'd text regularly, and watch films in real time, that kind of thing. He was very verbally affectionate and considerate which was lovely. Late November I noticed his communication became more sporadic and called him to check if all was ok. I communicated to him that to get to know someone I need to be able to connect, be it face to face, chat, text or whatever and I do not want to be strung along. I told him my flirty messages weren't reciprocated. He apologised and said lockdown has made things harder. I asked if he'd like to continue for use to get to know each other, that warrants further communication and effort and he said yes he he does and that he always has a lovely time with me.

His communication improved a little straight after that but again, became inconsistent- I gave him the excuse that it's a busy time, he's got 3 older teens that he sees often so I let the overthinking go. He had mentioned he'd like to see me but then the lockdown at Christmas happened.

He wished me a happy new year and said he hopes to see me again in 2021, I said similar. He'd mentioned in passing that I had gone quiet as he had instigated the last few conversations but I honestly hadn't, I was mirroring his efforts as it was usually me carrying the conversation and starting them.

Anyway, we average a text conversation every few days but I have not heard from him at all in a week. I started the conversation last, on the weekend, and we talked about my art class that I just started- I sent him a stick drawing of him to show my progress, and the chat was light and cheeky. Then the momentum stopped, and he didn't send another text to carry the conversation on.

I do this thing where I delete the chat or number when I'm pissed off so I did that midweek. Out of sight out of mind. BUT HE'S LIVING RENT FREE IN MY HEAD HAHAHA

I'm telling myself he's ghosted me and have been crying and beside myself because I have no idea what I have done. I can't even send him an "I'm done this isn't working" text because I deleted his number.

I've no one to talk to so I though I'd have a little rant here.
Thanks for reading.

It hurts when you have hopes that are dashed. You're only human.
I read that 70% of people are stupid (diana athill) and I agree. Chalk him up as one of the 70%

I just came on to congratulate you for dejecting his number. I'm sorry 😐 but it sounds like he's not that into you. It's happened to me too. There is nothing you can do to change it but move on. Sending hugs.

@chillibeansauce

I just came on to congratulate you for dejecting his number. I'm sorry 😐 but it sounds like he's not that into you. It's happened to me too. There is nothing you can do to change it but move on. Sending hugs.

Apologies, should say deleting not dejecting. Yes he's one of the 70% like pp said.

You haven't done anything, but he's been lukewarm about it since November. It's very very hard to maintain dating at the moment - it needs proper human connection to move forwards. Maybe put a pin in dating until lockdown is eased?

You said it in the thread title. Don't take it personally, it has nothing to do with you. It's the situation we are all in. Lots of people CBA to talk to existing friends, never mind build new relationships, because they're feeling so fed up and don't know what to talk about apart from Covid. Life is no fun, we have little joy to share at the moment. Just put it under wraps till things improve.

Thank you all. I know you are all right. I just feel a bit perplexed and jaded by the whole thing. Rejection is hard.

And I know deep down I've not done anything- I can't pinpoint it if I have but I just hear a critical voice that says " he would have found a way for someone else. He did put effort in at the beginning for you, you both did, then he changed;. then he stopped so you must have done something, that or he stopped liking you. Bottom line is you weren't worth it to him, or likeable enough, just like you weren't for Mr X, Mr Y and Mr Z before him- you're the common denominator here"

I think you over invested too early to be honest. He was likely talking to multiple women, hence his behaviour snd lack of communication. I know my male divorced friend with kids the same age is generally talking to about three at once, he’s not committed to any and doesn’t really ask if they are doing the same. If he felt it developed further he’d stick with one.

So I think it’s likely you were thinking this is it, where as he was dating multiple women so his attention was diluted

Just different ways of going about it. You’ve not done anything wrong.

And then I internalise it all and think what is it about me? Why wasn't I enough? Why couldn't I hold his attention long enough, that he probably would find in someone else? Why couldn't he see what I can bring to the table? Why not have the respect and communicate with me?

@Bluntness100 I can see that, but then why not just say you're not interested and not string someone along? and then ignore? I gave him an out when I asked if he still wanted to get to know each other, meet up etc. Why say he'd like to see me, hope he does etc and then do this? W
I wish men would not say things if they do not plan or backing their words up with actions.

I do this thing where I delete the chat or number when I'm pissed off. So I did that.
I'm confused. Who has ghosted who?

@senua I deleted his chat after nearly a week of not hearing from him. I assumed he ghosted and couldn't bear seeing him online on WhatsApp and not messaging me

Gosh this does all read like teenage drama- I can see that! But I can't help how I feel

This sounds really frustrating.

I've not got a lot of recent experience of dating. In normal times, were a friend to ask me similar, I'd say that it should not be so complicated so soon into a relationship and advise her to leave it. This sounds either like that 3-6 month roadbump where one or both of you realises you're not as compatible as you'd hoped; or several years in, where you've maybe built up a few disappointments and are facing the first real relationship tests.

However, things are not normal at the moment. I'd perhaps mothball it, or take the relationship off the table and just communicate as friends for the next few months until you are able to meet up again. If you both want to carry something on then do (as long as - I would say - it's a little easier than it is now).

OP I’m sorry. I’ve just gone through this and I know how frustrating it is. Lots of people go through it too. My male friend just was ghosted by a girl he’d been seeing for 9 weeks. She just fell off the face of the earth.
Just know that they’re the ones with the problem.
He must have been talking to lots of other people and then decide that someone else was better for him- which is fine, but it’s only decent to let you know.
It’s all a learning process. Since it happened to me, I NEVER talk to one person at a time- I won’t do that until we agree that we will be exclusive.
Have many options and don’t commit or invest too much until you’re sure they want you just as much as you want them.
🤗

Thank you. I was talking to other people too, but invested more in him because I suppose I was seeing him more often, and we were both excited about meeting up and the conversations were more frequent. The effort was obvious from him so I mirrored that. He stuck whereas the others didn't. So I continued with him.

I think in future as you say, keep more going in tandem.

I'd like to add that I did communicate to the other men that I couldn't see a future with them- I didn't ghost them.

It sounds like you've ghosted each other, he's probably wondering why you went quiet.

But you asked if you wanted to get to know each other. Which he seemed to have been doing. Maybe not as focused as you’d like. But not deserving a hissy fit. It seems like you’ve ghosted each other. Which is probably for the best.

Distance + lockdown + not knowing each other very well is a a recipe for things fizzling out IMO - particularly as we have no idea how long this current period of restrictions could last. In the past 24 hours I've read several things that say May as the earliest possible end date. How are people in newish relationships supposed to keep the momentum going all that time without seeing each other?

It's tough OP, but honestly I doubt it's you, it's just this shit situation.

I didn't think of the notion that we both ghosted each other tbh. It's got me thinking now and I can't do anything because I haven't got his number.
But he didn't really carry our last conversation on, nor did he send a ' how's your week going?' text a few days later (seeing that I initiated the conversations all of last week)

And if he really did think I went quiet, I'd imagine he'd text to check if all was ok, as it was out of the ordinary for me, again because it was usually me reaching out. This is why I think it was me that was ghosted not the other way around.

I've just found his number on a screenshot I had in my photos! Shall I send him a message to see if he's alright?

No! Don't send him a message. He wasn't that keen, that's all.

Definitely don't text him

ok but just curious- what if he thought I was ghosting him?

Am I being naive here?