Why does he do that?

[Gatherround]

I have name changed for this to avoid anyone identifying me, but I am mystified as to my DPs behaviour and it's making me feel like I'm losing my mind. The latest incident is: he was out until 8pm when he said he would be back earlier so I didnt make dinner. When he got in I said I wasn't starting a roast at that time but offered to make fish instead. He basically grumbled he would look to see what else there was & I said fine. I put DC to bed & he has now gone to bed & I went in and asked if he wants food he said no. Despite telling me he was hungry!? He also just went into bed and starting watching tv without saying anything. Basically I can't figure out what he could possible be annoyed about other than dinner!? My reluctance to cook was the amount of time to cook the meat but there was nothing stopping him making it if he wanted to wait!? Instead he is now sulking in bed, I'm annoyed in the sitting room and I feel like I'm being punished? Also, he works abroad and will be leaving tomorrow to go back to work so it feels worse. Is this normal behaviour?? Am I going insane? This is just one example of the way he behaves when he feels I've done something wrong but doesn't tell me. He will want to be fine and happy tomorrow but every time he does this I love him less and less.

Seems like he was too lazy to cook for himself but didn't like what you were offering, spoilt and childish. Unless something happened when he went out, argument with someone?

I wouldn't make an effort to go to him though, he needs to learn his stroppy behaviour gets him no where.

@seensome he was fine when he came in until I said I wasnt making the roast. He does this quite a lot, and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells to be honest. We have young children and I'm trying not to cause an atmosphere for their sake. But what kind of adult goes to bed hungry to prove a point? I did offer to make something just not the initial meal I had planned. It's so strange that it makes me question my sanity and I, like you, start wondering what else could have caused it. If he had text to say he was on his way back I would have made it no problem, it's almost like he thinks I do things to spite him which isn't the case at all!

Get a grip OP. Who cares why he's sulking? If he can't be mature enough to discuss what's going on, then fuck him. He's obviously used to you running around like a headless chicken trying to work him out - like a child. You already have small children, worry about them. I would love to come home and for someone to jump up and offer to cook for me, I live by myself and don't have the luxury of turning down food. Fuck him.

Well it's not normal, when he's in more of a rational mood, tell him you can't keep walking on egg shells around him, the DC will pick up on the tension.
It's not fair of him to think you can just cook a roast dinner around him not knowing the time he'll be back. Does he do much to help at home?

He does sound a bit like a childish bully tbh. He's a grown man, he was late and should be apologising for spoiling your dinner plans. Surely he knows where the toaster is and the bread is kept if he's that fussed.

Thanks @poppyzbrite4 I know it sounds pathetic but I hate that he can make me feel like this in my own home. No he doesn't do anything @seensome he is home for a week but as I say will go back to work tomorrow for 6 weeks or so. I'm used to doing everything in the house for myself and the kids, and I also work full time. He was quick to criticise the food I had bought and I think wonders what I have been doing all these weeks! Thats what I can't take the constant undertone of criticism even if he won't say it out loud.

This is my point OP. I spent my 20s running around trying to placate these arseholes who were on a power trip or wanted me to run around after them. Looking back I could kick myself for wasting my time and energy.

You cannot change people OP but you can change your reaction to their behaviour. There is something going on for you with the way it makes you feel, for some reason it is triggering to you. Use the time he's away to work on yourself. Try CBT (there's CBT you can do online) to look at those thought processes, start journaling how you feel or mindful meditation. I'm not suggesting you make this a full time job as you have small children but ten minutes every night before you go to sleep can make a difference.

Start to focus on you, not him. Recentre yourself here.

Thanks @poppyzbrite4 I have been looking into doing something for my self esteem anyway & to try and make myself a better person overall. My friends would be appalled to think this is how I spend my Saturday night, I would never allow anyone else to treat me this way and have no problem speaking up for myself at work. So I do have it in me!

The problem here is, you can't compare intimate relationships with friendships or work colleagues. The way we behave with our partner's is very much based on a blue print learned when we were young.

You're going to be ok. You'll notice one of two things when you change your behaviour, he'll ramp his up because he's not getting the same reaction or, he'll come to you. Either way, working on yourself, working on your self esteem and trying to be the best person you can for your children, is all that matters.

But the book Why Does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft.

Basically, yes, he's trying to punish you. You should have been able to read his mind long distance to know when he'd be home/have the entire had frozen in readiness for his return. Didn't matter that he was being a selfish bastard who stayed out late and left you and kids unsure of plans. Your lives are only there to make his happier. When you guess his games wrong then you get punished. He's laying on the guilt to make you suffer. Eat what you want for dinner, without him, relax. If he's really hungry he'll work something out.

He sounds awful

Basically I can't figure out what he could possible be annoyed about other than dinner!?

If you can't figure out why someone's annoyed, it's because they're deliberately not communicating with you and it sounds like he's got you trained to worry about what he's thinking and not communicating to you.

Please don't let him do this. You shouldn't be walking on eggshells in your own home, at best he's childish and ridiculous and at worst he's grooming you to feel responsible for fulfilling every last need and desire and want he ever has and to feel bad if you don't succeed (which you won't because it's an impossible task).

What @KickAssAngel said!!

Are you mad! You work FT, do all for the kids, and are also up for having his dinner on the table after 8pm!!! You should not be cooking for him at all WTF! Does he ever cook? If he does nothing at home, I can only guess it's the money you are used to that keeps this going, as there doesn't seem any other point to him. I think you will find that you will still have enough to live happily on if you split up, and I doubt you'll miss him much, sounds like he's made himself obsolete but doing sweet FA for your family.

Thanks for your input everyone, I know this isn't normal but for various reasons I am unable to leave the relationship at present. This is in no way financial as our finances are completely separate (this is another issue as he earns 4x more than I do but we split bills equally at his request) I am saving money each month and would be fine financially if I left but am unable to do it at present. As an aside, he made it clear he isn't happy with me last night in bed and purposely didn't physically touch me with his body then got up early and now isn't speaking to me. (This is unusual as normally if the children are still asleep we would be intimate in the morning or at night in bed as he is only here for a short time) I refuse to engage in this wierd behaviour so I am carrying on as normal today!

he earns 4x more than I do but we split bills equally at his request

Financial abuse.

The more you post, the worse he sounds.

Look at child maintenance calculator.
You dont need this in your life.
He does it because he can.
Read the book lundy bancroft why does he do that
Some chapters wont seem obvious at first but much is.

Why can't you leave now? We can help you work out how.
By the way he does that because he's abusive.

Oh my word...just cook for you and your family at a reasonable time and he can choose whether to turn up or not on time. What a manchild!

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells to be honest. We have young children and I'm trying not to cause an atmosphere for their sake

Walking on eggshells is an atmosphere. Too late.

Why can't you leave if you would be able to manage financially? (Especially without his financial abuse).

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You're being abused, OP. You need to leave. 💐

Christ this is abuse, why the fuck are you splitting the bills equally? Running around making this twat dinner! And where was he when he was out? Why are you taking it?

Thank goodness he's buggering back off to work for six weeks! I bet you can't wait for the door to shut!
As an aside, where was he until 8pm last night? Would have been nice if he'd spent his last evening home with his wife and children.