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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

are all guys this messy?

38 replies

cosmikdebris · 23/01/2021 21:21

seriously, ive never met a clean and organised guy, and my partner is just the same. i dont know how to encourage it either. i used to be able to just about keep on top of all the sorting and cleaning, but since our daughter was born 7 months ago the apartment constantly looks like a bombs gone off!
clothes and empty wrappers on the floor, constant dirty dishes, washing sitting in the washing machine overnight, dust etc etc. its impossible for me to keep on top of it. ill spend an hour cleaning while baby naps and its back to chaos by the end of the day. our appartment is small anyway, we havent been able to move bc of covid, but its not difficult to help with the dishes once in a while, or is it?
im not perfect myself, my worst habit is leaving wet wipes on the side or empty drinks bottles on the desk. but thats so easy to fix in a few seconds, he just seems lazy. i havent seen him touch the dishes in 7 months, unless he needs something thats dirty. he asked me how the washing machine works the other day when i asked him to put a wash on. we've had this washing machine for 1.5 years.....
he'll complain its messy but not do anything about it, or get mad about not being able to find things, but not tidy up or even look for it, he'll just give up.
i dont really know what im here for, just desperately hoping im not the only one with a messy/lazy partner!

OP posts:

2typesofjungle · 23/01/2021 21:24

He's lazy. Talk to him about pulling his weight and doing his fair share. You don't have to put up with such disrespectful behaviour and it's shit that so many women do put up with it because they just believe that "men are like that".

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/01/2021 21:28

Why would it make you feel better to think other women are choosing to be with lazy, awful men?

Of course loads of men are clean, tidy, considerate, house proud and think their wife or partner is worthy of respect therefore do their fair share of housework, laundry, cooking and childcare.

You can’t change him. He thinks he’s better than you therefore doesn’t have to do anything for himself, his home, his child or you. He thinks it’s your job to make his life comfortable and easy. You’re letting him get away with it.

Sorry, but it’s true.

Why would he change? You accepted him as he was - a lazy slob - and decided to have a baby with him knowing your workload would double as he’d continue to be useless. On purpose. He’s choosing to be like this.

Justcallmebebes · 23/01/2021 21:34

No and I wouldn't live with anyone who was that lazy and I certainly wouldn't put up with squalor and dirt. Not for a nanosecond. Raise your bar. He's a lazy slob

BlueThistles · 23/01/2021 21:36

You can’t change him. He thinks he’s better than you therefore doesn’t have to do anything for himself, his home, his child or you

He thinks it’s your job to make his life comfortable and easy. You’re letting him get away with it.

Sorry, but it’s true.

This is spot on 🌺

Somethingmavelous · 23/01/2021 21:37

All my male partners were tidier than me, and I don't consider myself crazy messy?

SavoyCabbage · 23/01/2021 21:37

No, I've never had a relationship with or even known anyone who doesn't know how to look after themselves. That's not something I would find alluring.

That's how young children behave. Not grown ups.

SeahorseoramI · 23/01/2021 21:38

He is lazy and disrespecting you. Can you have a conversation with him where you tell him, without waffle, that his laziness is making you feel disrespected and you cannot continue to be treated like this.

wellthatsunusual · 23/01/2021 21:41

No, that's not normal. He doesn't respect you. Don't clean up after him, don't wash his clothes. Maybe the penny will drop that these things don't happen by magic.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 23/01/2021 21:44

I refuse to live with a lazy man, you need to put your foot down if this relationship is going to last.
Most men still want you to be a cook, cleaner and all round maid and it isn't on, it's incredibly sexist and despite progress with feminism this problem never seems to go away.
It has to. There is nothing stopping him from doing it, he just doesn't want to and thinks it's your job. The crux of the matter is are you going to let him get away with this?

CherryBlossomTree7 · 23/01/2021 21:46

Not normal, no. You are choosing to accept this behaviour. It is lazy, slobbish and selfish. I could not live in squalor caused by my partner.

Ffsnosexallowed · 23/01/2021 21:51

My dp is much tidier than me and does lots more housework than I do. I'm lazy and so is your dp

BertieBotts · 23/01/2021 21:53

No, DH is tidier than me.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/01/2021 22:25

@AnneLovesGilbert

Why would it make you feel better to think other women are choosing to be with lazy, awful men?

Of course loads of men are clean, tidy, considerate, house proud and think their wife or partner is worthy of respect therefore do their fair share of housework, laundry, cooking and childcare.

Sorry, but it’s true.

This with bells on!

MajorMujer · 23/01/2021 22:35

I've been married for going on 30 years & DH has never been as you described, he is a fully functioning adult who likes to live in a clean and tidy house, ergo he cleans and tidies as do I.
Dont let your lazy git of a partner leave it all up to you.

Gwenhines · 23/01/2021 23:10

If you are struggling to keep things tidy you possibly have too much stuff?
Have a big clear out with your DP helping. Your apartment will feel bigger, you'll feel lighter, and it'll be easier to tidy/clean.

partyatthepalace · 23/01/2021 23:31

I haven’t noticed that guys are any messier than women (speaking as a messy woman).

What you have here is a species known as ‘lazy selfish bastard’, and he’s getting away with it because you are adopting the role of a doormat. Why the fuck doesn’t he know how the washing machine works, why doesn’t he ever touch the dishes?? Because he is lazy and selfish yes, but also because you have turned yourself into a skiv.

Draw up a rota, divide up the tasks according to time left over from your jobs (him in paid work presumably, you with the baby) - and set out both your tasks. Also have basic rules like always picking up and washing up plates during the day etc.

Do all you can to make him change now. This is only going to get worse. It is not normal for someone to behave like this because they are a man.

Bluntness100 · 23/01/2021 23:34

Op. My husband needs to be told it’s his turn to empty the dishwasher, but he would never leave his dirty plates laying around or wrappers etc, that’s disgusting.

He’s doing it because he can. He’s made it your job to skivvy after him. You’ve accepted the role.

MixMatch · 23/01/2021 23:52

I simply don't understand women who turn themselves into their partner's personal cleaner and maid. Then turn around and complain about it. Why make that rod for your own back in the first place?

RantyAnty · 24/01/2021 02:26

Some are. They've usually had someone else clean up after them and they feel this is how life should be for them.

DeeCeeCherry · 24/01/2021 04:37

Of course all guys aren't messy. Just because you have a lazy man, doesn't mean every man is a slob.

You must have known he was a slob when you got with him. I presume he was lazy when you were pregnant too, his laziness is not sudden?

I wonder if you are one of those women who get with a man and bend over backwards to do everything for him, thinking to show him you are perfect "wife material?" If a man actively let's you do all that, it's the 1st sign that he's useless. & that your actions will create a rod for your own back.

So now just decide whether you can live with the mess or not, and go forward accordingly.

IMO men like this don't change. Ask him to pay for a cleaner.

Veronika13 · 24/01/2021 05:52

Mine is a clean freak and I love it. Our place is always beautiful and clean.
I honestly could not be with someone who is not tidy, and not seeing crumbs or oil stains, not proactively cleaning the house. I had that with my ex and it would drive me mad. I felt like his mum.
You don’t have to put up with this.

Bluntness100 · 24/01/2021 07:30

You do need to put a stop to this.

You can model unhealthy relationship behaviour when there is no child involved, but you shouldn’t be doing it when you’re raising a child. It teaches them mums the dogs body. You can even Chuck your rubbish on the floor and she’ll pick it up, she’s the lowest in the house. Dad doesn’t even need to wash the dishes or pick his clothes up. This is now women behave.

It’s not. Normal homes aren’t like this. Your partner is more than capable of tidying after himself unless he has learning disabilities.

I’ve no idea how the pair of you got into this weird dynamic, and then comforting yourself that others have to live like this too. Did you grow up in a nome where your father behaved like this? Grandfather?

It’s time to break the cycle if so. You need to sit down and talk to him and tell him to pull his finger out, because it stops now. You running around treating him like some sort of king, and him treating you like shit.

category12 · 24/01/2021 07:31

No, it's not normal.

What it is, is disrespectful, lazy, sexist and treating you like a mug.

And you're tolerating it. Why?

Teaseller · 24/01/2021 10:27

My current male partner is a stickler for cleanliness and order, loves to clean - does most of the housework!

My ex partner of 10 years was not as intense as current partner, but also loved a clean home, always doing laundry and tidying up.

Your fella sounds like a lazy, messy bugger - I couldn't put up with that!

Norwayreally · 24/01/2021 11:15

Not all men, no but definitely a large proportion. I think I probably dated one tidy guy when I was younger, his flat was pristine but he did own it so think he valued it more than ones who lived in a rented house share. The others were often pretty disgusting tbh.

Been married for years and DH is a total scruff, I still have to prompt him to pick his dirty undies and towel up off the bathroom floor after a shower. I had a baby 6 months ago and had a really rough recovery (c-section problems, ended up re-admitted to hospital for 3 days), the house looked abysmal until I recovered enough to sort it out. I don’t just mean a little bit untidy either, I’m talking piles of dirty nappies on the floor and piled up dishes in the kitchen. So gross, I don’t think he’d cope if I wasn’t around which is worrying really. Great guy in every other aspect, just rubbish at tidying!

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