HELP I don't know how to do relationships!

[Latetodate]

I am shocking at relationships, absolutely awful.

My childhood was flawed by abuse and neglect, then my teenage years by very serious sexual harm. Although I have carved out a successful career, had a relatively long marriage (17yrs) and am single-handedly raising two healthy and functioning teens, I am the first to admit that I don't do life very well. An extensive psychological evaluation has graded me as living with 45% whole life incapacity as a result of the neglect and abuse I experienced. The backdrop to all this is a voice in my head telling me that everyone hates me. It's what my mother told me throughout my life.

I have been on my own since my marriage ended some years ago but recently started a relationship with a man. It has been quite amazing, he is very interesting, funny, thoughtful and generous, and seemingly besotted with me.

But I came away from our most recent time together (we live in different cities) feeling weird. Little things... I was about to cook some beans and he was like no, no, no, don't do them like that, it won't go with the fish (I had googled fish-matching bean recipes). Or every time I suggested something to do he was reluctant (but very persuasive about what he wanted to do). Or when we were out very late and I wanted to come home, he just laughed saying no, no, no, we're staying out tonight.

Every time I tried to shrug it off... I have been alone for a long time so I am not used to compromising. And they were little things that weren't worthy of a battle. And he says/does these things in the nicest possible way. But it leaves me confused, and also uncomfortable. I can't quite describe it other than it reminds me of how I felt when I was abused as a teenager, a man was being so seemingly nice to me but it didn't feel nice. I feel confused and guilty and a bit sick to my stomach.

I hate comparing this man, who I genuinely consider a very nice and good person, to my abuser. I am only doing this in here to try to describe my turmoil.

Conversely, he says he had a fantastic time and cannot wait to see me again. Right now I feel like I don't want to see him so there is a big disconnect.

Can anyone in here help me work out what is happening? When I try to unpick the individual incidents it seems so petty so I don't understand my own reaction.

Is this what new relationships are like? How do people do this?!

Red flags are waving, op. He's critical and disregards your needs. Toss him back and move on.

Right now I feel like I don't want to see him so there is a big disconnect.

Do not ignore your instincts. He isn't right for you and you know it.

Oh trust your gut instinct. It won't fail you .
Block and move on I sense he is very manipulative x

Absolutely trust your instinct, please. The longer you carry on the harder it becomes to walk away but you won't be wrong that you need to.

He should be listening to you and if you disagree, discussing and compromising.

Given your past you're in a very vulnerable position to end up with an abuser. Don't take that chance

Also, this is his best behaviour. It will get worse not better.

Also, this is his best behaviour. It will get worse not better.

Hell YES to this. You've barely begun a relationship and he is already controlling, critical and dismissive. Sadly, you don't know what a healthy relationship looks like. This isn't it. Don't keep making the same mistake of being with abusive men.

Never ignore your instincts, I would finish with him before you get sucked in.

Thank you for the advice.

So do you think there is any point in a conversation with him about this? Maybe if he was aware he would make an effort to change? He was shocked by the end of his marriage and has spent the separation years trying to understand what went wrong so as not to repeat any mistakes on his part.

I am fully aware that I have my flaws too!

So do you think there is any point in a conversation with him about this? Maybe if he was aware he would make an effort to change?

NO. Abusive people don't change. You have probably caught a glimpse of a big reason as to why his marriage ended. You need a real partner, op, not a project. He is not a thing you are responsible to fix. Don't allow yourself to get sucked into another relationship that is simply an experiment doomed to fail.

Throw him back and run, run, run OP. Don't try and change him, you will only get sucked in.

Sounds like your shark cage is working well and keeping you safe.

The fact he was shocked by the end of his marriage is yet another red flag. It would make me wonder whether he just ignored his wife's needs and undermined her concerns in the relationship which shows a horrible lack of empathy, or he was abusive to her and she filed for divorce without much prior warning, for her own safety (the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is often when you're trying to leave). Stay WAY clear of this man. I tell you for a fact that his behaviour is not normal. He's supposed to be wooing you and trying to do things you like, not overriding your desires.

Abusive people spot vulnerable women a mile off and he will be able to tell your boundaries are not what they should be, and will slowly suck you in if you don't end it now.

Is it that bad? Do you really think it's abusive? I am very new to recognising feelings and instinct so I check constantly and doubt myself.

I checked red flag lists and the only one raised is that he likes to be the decision maker. Which of course won't work but I didn't identify other things.

I know I'm pretty clueless though.

@MixMatch

The fact he was shocked by the end of his marriage is yet another red flag. It would make me wonder whether he just ignored his wife's needs and undermined her concerns in the relationship which shows a horrible lack of empathy, or he was abusive to her and she filed for divorce without much prior warning, for her own safety (the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is often when you're trying to leave). Stay WAY clear of this man. I tell you for a fact that his behaviour is not normal. He's supposed to be wooing you and trying to do things you like, not overriding your desires.

Abusive people spot vulnerable women a mile off and he will be able to tell your boundaries are not what they should be, and will slowly suck you in if you don't end it now.

Yes the marriage thing did seem odd to me. I would have thought both parties would be aware that their relationship was rocky. I'm guessing he dismissed her concerns until she gave up trying. Purely guessing though.

It's weird, I have found myself wondering whether he physically doesn't hear me when I say no, whether it's a language or cultural issue (he's French), or whether he just presumes to know best.

@Aknifewith16blades

Throw him back and run, run, run OP. Don't try and change him, you will only get sucked in.

Sounds like your shark cage is working well and keeping you safe.

Thank you so much for the shark cage information, v interesting

Sounds like your instincts are spot on OP.

You're a guest when you go and see him, so he should make suggestions of what to do, then let you decide. Better to stay out of the kitchen when someone else is cooking, as nothing emworse that someone standing over you claiming your doing it wrong. If he doesn't get this, or understand how to negotiate, he'd be better off with someone who is happy as a doormat, and that's not you happily.

opentooffers when I went to stay with him he had an itinerary prepared which was amazing, down to every dish and drink. I was very happy to go along with that.

When we meet in the middle we have had lovely times that we have shared ideas and cooked for each other.

It was when he stayed with me he was bossy about the beans and what time we'd go out/come home, and generally not liking my ideas.

I was also put off by his demeanour around my teenage daughter, he said hi then disappeared upstairs where I found him undressed, middle of the day. I felt it was not at all cool and sure enough she went out again no doubt feeling very uncomfortable.

I was also put off by his demeanour around my teenage daughter, he said hi then disappeared upstairs where I found him undressed, middle of the day. I felt it was not at all cool and sure enough she went out again no doubt feeling very uncomfortable.

Oh my god. How gross. Get rid of this twat already.

@Aquamarine1029

I was also put off by his demeanour around my teenage daughter, he said hi then disappeared upstairs where I found him undressed, middle of the day. I felt it was not at all cool and sure enough she went out again no doubt feeling very uncomfortable.

Oh my god. How gross. Get rid of this twat already.

Thank you aquamarine, I know to some people these things are very straightforward and it must be frustrating when people like me are so confused. Yeah it turned my stomach. It really helps me to talk about it.

Honestly, I don't think you'd be so confused if you actually heeded the feelings and misgivings you've already been having. Stop ignoring yourself and your instincts.

"Yes the marriage thing did seem odd to me. I would have thought both parties would be aware that their relationship was rocky. I'm guessing he dismissed her concerns until she gave up trying. Purely guessing though."

Erm, don't be so sure. DPs relationship with his ex was dire. He even told her a few years before the end he wasn't going to keep trying to fix it and if she wanted to, she had to make the effort for a change (he had spent a long time trying to sort their problems whilst she put limited effort for short periods then returned to form). She did nothing. He even told her that if she didn't make some effort that she shouldn't expect him to stick around.

Sure enough, he didn't and the fallout was unreal. She actually got violent with him in the end after gaslighting him loads and being abusive. Apparently it was all a big shock to her that he wasn't happy.

Some partners refuse to see what's in front of their eyes or refuse to listen to what people are telling them.

However after your latest post about the itinerary at his and his refusal to do anything on your terms when at yours, I wouldn't put up with that. Relationships are about compromise and meeting in the middle. Not one person making all the decisions.

You sound lovely.

He doesn't.

This > when we were out very late and I wanted to come home, he just laughed saying no, no, no, we're staying out tonight. would really piss me off to the extent I would just go home. He really is not seeing you as a person in your own right who deserves respect and kindness.

His control re. the kitchen/food would be a right turn-off for me too.

But this.....I was also put off by his demeanour around my teenage daughter, he said hi then disappeared upstairs where I found him undressed, middle of the day. I felt it was not at all cool

You BET! that is "not cool". It's positively weird and creepy. Please listen to your inner voice. It is your ally.

@Aquamarine1029

Honestly, I don't think you'd be so confused if you actually heeded the feelings and misgivings you've already been having. Stop ignoring yourself and your instincts.

It is getting clearer. Recognising feelings is so new to me that I have to keep checking. My default is to push them aside.

Also he has done many nice things so while it may seem obvious from what I have said in here that he's behaved oddly on occasion, he has also been utterly lovely most of the time so it gets mixed up

Fudgsicles that sounds like a crazy marriage!!

The impression I get is that his EQ is not overly developed but that he's keen to grow. He has been going to self help type workshops and has taken up yoga with great enthusiasm.

Iflyaway the not being able to go home was very difficult. We were at a big event, no uber available. Initially I'd planned to travel separately but he persuaded me to go together and I foolishly did not open the conversation about a return time, assuming we'd be able to work it out no problem. I ignored the little voice telling me to take my own car. Never again! I was quite taken aback by his insistence at staying on and on. Again I kept wondering whether he didn't understand. But I now see a pattern of pushing ahead with what he wants and I realise that if he's been like this all of his 41 yrs, he's unlikely to change.

Writing it out like this makes it clear to me.

You aren’t bad at relationships - this guy is just creepy and controlling and you’re recognising that. Well done, it’s an important instinct. I wouldn’t see him again.

Also he has done many nice things so while it may seem obvious from what I have said in here that he's behaved oddly on occasion, he has also been utterly lovely most of the time so it gets mixed up

Op, controlling, abusive men aren't horrible all the time. They play nice when they see fit to keep you in the hook and in line. You are just making excuses for his shit behaviour.

Please pay attention to the red flags and behaviours that you're describing and your gut feeling that you don't want to see him again.

Don't overlook things and talk yourself out of your feelings.