HELP I don't know how to do relationships!

[Latetodate]

I am shocking at relationships, absolutely awful.

My childhood was flawed by abuse and neglect, then my teenage years by very serious sexual harm. Although I have carved out a successful career, had a relatively long marriage (17yrs) and am single-handedly raising two healthy and functioning teens, I am the first to admit that I don't do life very well. An extensive psychological evaluation has graded me as living with 45% whole life incapacity as a result of the neglect and abuse I experienced. The backdrop to all this is a voice in my head telling me that everyone hates me. It's what my mother told me throughout my life.

I have been on my own since my marriage ended some years ago but recently started a relationship with a man. It has been quite amazing, he is very interesting, funny, thoughtful and generous, and seemingly besotted with me.

But I came away from our most recent time together (we live in different cities) feeling weird. Little things... I was about to cook some beans and he was like no, no, no, don't do them like that, it won't go with the fish (I had googled fish-matching bean recipes). Or every time I suggested something to do he was reluctant (but very persuasive about what he wanted to do). Or when we were out very late and I wanted to come home, he just laughed saying no, no, no, we're staying out tonight.

Every time I tried to shrug it off... I have been alone for a long time so I am not used to compromising. And they were little things that weren't worthy of a battle. And he says/does these things in the nicest possible way. But it leaves me confused, and also uncomfortable. I can't quite describe it other than it reminds me of how I felt when I was abused as a teenager, a man was being so seemingly nice to me but it didn't feel nice. I feel confused and guilty and a bit sick to my stomach.

I hate comparing this man, who I genuinely consider a very nice and good person, to my abuser. I am only doing this in here to try to describe my turmoil.

Conversely, he says he had a fantastic time and cannot wait to see me again. Right now I feel like I don't want to see him so there is a big disconnect.

Can anyone in here help me work out what is happening? When I try to unpick the individual incidents it seems so petty so I don't understand my own reaction.

Is this what new relationships are like? How do people do this?!

The fact that he was so shocked at his marriage ending and then spent years trying to work out why and still can't seem to work it out really empathises his LACK of awareness of his issues rather than a desire to 'grow'. He's basically saying "I tried to figure out if any I did anything that contributed to my marriage ending, but nope it wasn't anything I did. But look how emotionally mature I am for spending time working out that I'm perfect the way I am and don't need to change!"

He might be lovely when you visit him because he's already planned out everything (100% control) and is willing to relax that control to 90% with what you see as compromises. But I guarantee he found those compromise suggestions within his control comfort zone and he's on his best behaviour at the moment. Did these 'compromises' go like this by any chance: he wanted x, but magnanimously accepted y (which he was fine with anyway). You wanted z, and saw y (which you didn't really want) as a 'compromise'?

At yours he doesn't have 100% or even 90% control and that makes him uncomfortable and anxious so he attempts to reinstate control by criticising you and nitpicking. This will get worse as he pushes these control boundaries once he knows your hooked!

The lovely side of him is when everything is going exactly how he wants it. When it is not, the nasty nitpicking control freak comes out.

To continue a relationship with 'lovely' him you'll need to ensure that everything is always done his way. Walking on eggshells wondering what will suddenly spring Mr Nitpicking on you. Second guessing everything you do and say to try to keep Mr Lovely happy so he doesn't become Mr Nitpicking. And then Mr Nitpicking will fade into the background as Mr Full-on Abusive asserts himself.

And the whole stripping off thing is creepy and dominance asserting in YOUR home and I don't even know where to start with that!

Sweetheart, please stop thinking of yourself as someone who's "terrible" at relationships. Instead, you've been raised by people who were actively terrible at relationships. Now you've met a man whose history and current behaviour suggest that HE'S terrible at relationships (and a bit creepy too).
Everything you're noticing suggests that you have really good instincts - getting in the habit of trusting them is a relationship skill you could work on.

What you are describing would make me uneasy too OP. Trust your instincts, I’d throw this one back.

Hi; My brother is very controlling.... which is why he has 2 failed marriages. He tries to control me as well, when we see each other - driving, cooking, washing-up, everything. He is so superior (thinks he is! lol) and his way is the only way. Don't involve yourself with this bloke, keep well away. GL.

Thingsdogetbetter

The fact that he was so shocked at his marriage ending and then spent years trying to work out why and still can't seem to work it out really empathises his LACK of awareness of his issues rather than a desire to 'grow'. He's basically saying "I tried to figure out if any I did anything that contributed to my marriage ending, but nope it wasn't anything I did. But look how emotionally mature I am for spending time working out that I'm perfect the way I am and don't need to change!"

I think I explained this very poorly. He was shocked but he says he accepts that what he was doing, taking charge, had caused problems though he thought it was how he was expected to be as that's how his father had behaved. And it wasn't till his dad died that his mum told him she hated it! So in a sense he was doing what a lot of us do which is recreate our parents'invreased mess. He definitely sees that was wrong though yes I have to wonder how his wife coped for so long. I have always been very independent so had no someone take charge is very weird for me.
I also see that it is a default for him so that is a problem.

Wrt undressing. To put into context it was extremely hot. I'd told him to put on clothes before she got home. He left it until she was actually letting herself in which really annoyed me. Going upstairs and undressing again was I assume a way of cooling off but totally inappropriate. I felt the only acceptable behaviour would be to stick around DRESSED and show some interest in my daughter given she'd just returned after 5 days away.
He was tone deaf shall we say. He behaved appropriately with my son who is younger, I'm guessing because he has done of a similar age and gets it.

So... yes my feelings have changed a lot and I doubt I'll be seeing him again!!!

Thank you all for helping me work this through. I have a therapist but it's the holidays

Typos sorry

Sons of a similar age