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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Proposal. WWYD?

38 replies

HighlightedTrees · 23/01/2021 16:18

I have a gut feeling that DP is going to propose this weekend. It is our 3 year anniversary. He is the love of my life, I want to be his wife. I would not want a big wedding, it really is about the marriage for me. Neither of us has had any doubt from our 2nd date, we have been committed and it has been the most positive experience of a relationship I have ever had (and I have had many relationships). Everyone seemed to think we belonged together early on (we are alike). No cheating. Very few arguments. No red flags. Financial equity - we both earn exactly the same (he is about to earn 8k more) and have shared everything 50/50 since he moved in a year ago. My 3DC love him, my family love him. He is gorgeous (everyone comments on his looks but this is way down on my list why I love him, I forget how good looking he is tbh) he is kind, pulls his weight in the house, ambitious, just promoted at work as worked so hard in the pandemic (NHS ICU manager), great in bed, both have common interests that we do together. He is 34, I am 41.

So why am I asking for advice? I was physically, emotionally and financially burned in my first marriage to my DC's dad. I was removed by the police, badly injured, lost my home, job and self really. This was 7 years ago. I have pulled myself out of hell. Got a masters, fixed my body and mind, bought a house and a new career. I want to say yes but I want to suggest that I will only get married if we can put some kind of legal agreement in place to protect me and DC. If we divorce I want to walk away with what I have now as a minimum. I currently have about 40k in my house and a mortgage and a good NHS and local authority pension basically. We are thinking about buying a bigger house as mine is small. He has 20k deposit. I will say this to DP. I have no qualms about saying it and he will understand. But should I just say no and refuse to marry? Would that be easier? I don't think it would cause him to not want to he with me but he could be disappointed if he has chosen a ring. I will say no if it leaves me at all vulnerable because previous vulnerability made me determined to never ever to put myself or my DC in that position again. DC and my security comes first. Always. WWYD? Can you even put a legal agreement in place?

OP posts:
GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 23/01/2021 16:21

Do you plan to have kids together?

SmeleanorSmellstrop · 23/01/2021 16:21

I'm sure you could. Just ask him. He might be a bit hurt but I'm sure he will understand.

DinosaurDiana · 23/01/2021 16:22

You could just stay engaged as a commitment to each other, if it means that much to you or him.
As a person whose step father got everything when my DM died, I’m afraid I’m biased and I know for a fact that I would never get married again.

Original poster
HighlightedTrees · 23/01/2021 16:22

No. I was sterilised after my last child, he can not have DC due to a childhood illness.

OP posts:
Original poster
HighlightedTrees · 23/01/2021 16:23

@DinosaurDiana There is no way I would let that happen. I would rather be single than let that happen tbh.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/01/2021 16:24

You can say yes and have a long engagement Wink

I suppose you have the new house deeds reflect different %age of ownership but after a long marriage I suppose that could be challenged? However the DC would be a priority for housing anyway.

If he's the decent man you say he is then he is going to understand your fears and reservations.

Thanks
DinosaurDiana · 23/01/2021 16:26

Please don’t ever expect a partner to ‘do the right thing’. Get what you want documented by a solicitor.

Original poster
HighlightedTrees · 23/01/2021 16:27

@RandomMess tbh, I think he wants to show a commitment to me but I don't think he necessarily would 'need' a wedding IYSWIM. If I say yes and say 'Please can we wait until DD (who is 9) to leave home before we marry?' I am sure he would say yes. He has already talked about putting the 'Tenants in common' with the percentage of house as 60/40 to me in place but...I didn't know if marriage would over ride it?

OP posts:
BornIn78 · 23/01/2021 16:29

I would say no.

I know that if DH had I were to split, or he were to die I would never ever marry again. DH feels the same.

If I met someone new I wouldn’t have any more children and I would not marry for financial reasons, there would be no reason to marry and protecting my DS inheritance would be my priority.

Original poster
HighlightedTrees · 23/01/2021 16:29

@DinosaurDiana I won't. Thank you for telling me your experience. I know it is common and the thought of it happening to my DC pains me. I don't think people 'do the right thing' at the end of marriages anyway and money skews everything.

OP posts:
BonnieDundee · 23/01/2021 16:31

If you're not comfortable you can just say that marriage is not for you. You could get engaged and just be engaged long term if he wants commitment

puguin86 · 23/01/2021 16:33

I would see a solicitor.

My Gradpa married again after my nanas death. There were suddenly a load of adults who gained several step siblings !

They drew up a will which meant upon their deaths inheritances went to Individual children and protected the inheritance.

It' was find and didn't cause any issues. It was a relief that they announced up front before they got married this was what they were doing so there would be no resentment.

puguin86 · 23/01/2021 16:34

*fine

category12 · 23/01/2021 16:36

I wouldn't say yes, given your desire to protect your assets and desire for the dc to inherit intact. How about suggesting a commitment ceremony or handfasting instead? (A colleague of mine did a commitment ceremony as she was determined everything she's earned over the years will be inherited by her dc).

I am not confident that pre-nups stand up necessarily and it's a lot to risk in regard to your dc's future.

hashbrownsandwich · 23/01/2021 16:36

My first marriage was a disaster and exH left me with 2 kids under 2. I wasn't even 30 at the time.
I met my now DH a year later and carefully we began a relationship and eventually married.
I was in exactly the same mindset as you are now, I had no doubts about us and I still don't, but the thought of ever having another divorce was just incomprehensible.
We were sensible and had legal documents drawn up to protect our own assets - mine being the equity in the house I had before I got married and my DH has a large trust fund that i wouldn't want him to lose out on or be compromised.
I think you have to be practical the second time around. DH is the most romantic man I've ever met but he completely understood that before he proposed we had to agree on practicalities. It might sound a bit dull and killjoy but it's worked so far for us.
We actually have a DD now so we need to adjust things in the legal papers.
I would say you know only too well that you only have one life and at the moment it's crazy times anyway. Don't let your fear of being burnt stop you if you want to commit in this way x

Original poster
HighlightedTrees · 23/01/2021 16:48

It is totally about fear. I wasn't even thinking this was on the cards as we have been rubbing along nicely but I have seen a ring box. Lots to think about.

OP posts:
Original poster
HighlightedTrees · 23/01/2021 16:49

The thought of another divorce horrifies me. I can't imagine surviving another!

OP posts:
ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 23/01/2021 16:54

If you love him and feel certain about your relationship with him and want to say those vows to him and be together forever (and it sounds as if you do) then say yes when he proposes.

It sounds as if he is a good man and will have proper conversations with you about things that you need to discuss and decide together. You can do that after a proposal, no problem, as part of preparation for marriage.

Plus, an engagement is not a binding legal contract - you can always change your mind if you don't encounter the loving understanding that you (have every right to) expect from a future husband.

Having said all of that, I completely understand where you are coming from and would be nervous about it all too. Just don't punish him for something he didn't do.

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 23/01/2021 16:55

Also, the box you saw could equally be some really nice earrings...

WashableVelvet · 23/01/2021 16:56

DH and I own our house in unequal shares as tenants in common. That is fine to do when you are married.
We have wills that make sure if one of us died then their money goes to the children not to the surviving spouse (and the surviving spouse has a life interest in the house).
We have life insurance and death-in-service things set up so the mortgage is covered and the spouse wouldn’t be hugely out of pocket for childcare etc.

pickyomix · 23/01/2021 17:07

If you want to marry him, then do. Explain to him that you want both of your assets protected and you'll want to seek legal advice about how to do that. It's perfectly possible to do that and still get married if that's what you want to do.

See a solicitor and get some advice. You're both adults and sound sensible. If he gets pissy about that then I think that will answer whether you should marry him.

Original poster
HighlightedTrees · 23/01/2021 17:08

Thanks @ElizabethinherGermanGarden I do love him, so much. And I would like nothing more than being his wife. I would quite like to improve my view if marriage too. I would never want to hurt him. I don't have pierced ears Grin but I might be barking up the wrong tree. It might just be a right hand ring.

@WashableVelvet did you have the conversation before or after you agreed to marry? And did it cost a lot with a solicitor to sort all that out?

OP posts:
WashableVelvet · 23/01/2021 23:06

We did the life insurance and tenants in commonwhen we first had a joint mortgage which was pre marriage. So the wills were just sort of in line with that rather than a big surprise iyswim.

cherrycola742 · 23/01/2021 23:44

Say yes if he proposes, then see a solicitor and be open with him about it.

MorningNinja · 24/01/2021 00:00

You say that he will soon be earning 8k more than you and you have 3 DC. I understand that there is a difference of 20k in equity but surely the long-term financial risk is more for him than you?

For me, it would be safeguarding the house deposit and any monies that had been added to that during my life should I die first - that I think can be sorted by putting things in trust.

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