Proposal. WWYD?

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I have a gut feeling that DP is going to propose this weekend. It is our 3 year anniversary. He is the love of my life, I want to be his wife. I would not want a big wedding, it really is about the marriage for me. Neither of us has had any doubt from our 2nd date, we have been committed and it has been the most positive experience of a relationship I have ever had (and I have had many relationships). Everyone seemed to think we belonged together early on (we are alike). No cheating. Very few arguments. No red flags. Financial equity - we both earn exactly the same (he is about to earn 8k more) and have shared everything 50/50 since he moved in a year ago. My 3DC love him, my family love him. He is gorgeous (everyone comments on his looks but this is way down on my list why I love him, I forget how good looking he is tbh) he is kind, pulls his weight in the house, ambitious, just promoted at work as worked so hard in the pandemic (NHS ICU manager), great in bed, both have common interests that we do together. He is 34, I am 41.

So why am I asking for advice? I was physically, emotionally and financially burned in my first marriage to my DC's dad. I was removed by the police, badly injured, lost my home, job and self really. This was 7 years ago. I have pulled myself out of hell. Got a masters, fixed my body and mind, bought a house and a new career. I want to say yes but I want to suggest that I will only get married if we can put some kind of legal agreement in place to protect me and DC. If we divorce I want to walk away with what I have now as a minimum. I currently have about 40k in my house and a mortgage and a good NHS and local authority pension basically. We are thinking about buying a bigger house as mine is small. He has 20k deposit. I will say this to DP. I have no qualms about saying it and he will understand. But should I just say no and refuse to marry? Would that be easier? I don't think it would cause him to not want to he with me but he could be disappointed if he has chosen a ring. I will say no if it leaves me at all vulnerable because previous vulnerability made me determined to never ever to put myself or my DC in that position again. DC and my security comes first. Always. WWYD? Can you even put a legal agreement in place?

You are over 40, and so if he is wanting to marry you that is a good sign, given how many men would not entertain this (the kind who dump their wife when they are 40 or so for yet another 25 -30 year old).

You will not be able to have a wedding with anyone other than very close family for a while, so gives you time to seek advice about protecting your assets and your children's future.

I think you should say yes therefore.

@peak2021

You are over 40, and so if he is wanting to marry you that is a good sign, given how many men would not entertain this (the kind who dump their wife when they are 40 or so for yet another 25 -30 year old).

You will not be able to have a wedding with anyone other than very close family for a while, so gives you time to seek advice about protecting your assets and your children's future.

I think you should say yes therefore.

That first paragraph is an absolutely terrible reason for agreeing to marry. You can't be serious.

I had postnups in my previous marriage and we kept all assets and finances separated. Worked out really well in the divorce. Don't stress about the forthcoming proposal, accept it but make sure you sign prenups - that will save your ass.
I would never get married again without prenups as I got my kids and my house I worked hard for.

No, in your situation I absolutely wouldn't marry.

And you shouldn't ever have to feel, in the right relationship, that you have to argue your point on that. Marriage again isn't for you. You had a terrible marriage, now you want to enjoy a loving partnership. That's fine.

You have every reason NOT to marry, financially. No way would I marry again if I were financially stable and had my own childrens' security to consider.

Fine, move to a bigger house, split the ownership fairly (or even, split the ownership 50-50 and you take your extra and invest it elsewhere in your name only?) but don't marry.

Marry him as he sounds like a good guy and you've said you'd love to be married to him. But get a legal agreement to give you the protection you want. If he's truly a decent guy he'll understand.

OP have you discussed marriage with your partner before? Not necessarily getting married to each other but as an abstract concept.

If he doesn't propose to you then it's time to start laying some groundwork. Bring up the subject of marriage and emphasise that due to your past experience you don't want to do it again. Many people are opposed to marriage for various reasons, whether politically or because they've been burned - that isn't unusual but stating your position in advance helps avoid hurt feelings.

If he does propose to you... there might still be hurt feelings if you say no. However I'd hope a partner would be understanding of your reasons. Maybe you could have a commitment ceremony of some sort?

The fairest and most loving thing would be to clearly explain to him that you don't want the commitment of marriage and that you won't change your mind. He can then decide if he wants to stay with you or find a woman who does want the full commitment of marriage like he does.

He's younger than you and may also want his own children in the future, even if he's unsure now. If you don't want more kids, that's a real significant risk you're taking. If you haven't had these big conversations already, have them now otherwise you might find another separation/divorce happening down the line. If a man at that age is willing to take on kids that are not his, there's a very good chance he will want kids of his own someday.

He sounds like a gem of a man, never married before or kids of his own, yet willing to take on not just one, but three kids that are not his while living with you, and you say he treats you well. Don't be surprised if he balks at premarital agreements because that's an obvious indication that you don't fully trust him/the relationship and most people won't want to go into a marriage with a partner with that mindset. If you don't fully trust him (and fair enough if you don't) you should set him free to find a woman who wants the same things that he does.

He can not have his own children due to a childhood illness. My mind isn't made up re marriage. I am unsure.

We have had several conversations about buying a house, he brought it up again this morning about putting a legal agreement in place to protect my 40k, when we walked past a house we both liked. But said again we don't need to rush any decisions. We have had conversations about marriage in an abstract ways e.g. he has referenced feeling like needing help with picking an engagement ring, said he wouldn't elope as his mum would like to watch him get married and he told me his mum said to him she hoped we would get married. Early on in the relationship we had a drunken conversation saying we think we would like to marry each other and I told him that it terrified me though and he said we could go at my pace as he was in a long term relationship with someone before me, who tried to pressurise him about marriage but he never felt ready so didn't (they were together over a decade). I am pretty certain he loves me a lot and would be very upset if I did 'set him free'.

I might be older than him but I don't feel 'grateful' that he wants to marry me. I have a lot to offer and he seems to appreciate it and keeps saying he loves our life together.

You could have a long engagement?

I have a similar previous history, my DP asked me to ringfence all assets etc if we were to marry as he doesn't want me to ever think he would walk away with anything more than what he came with, and half of whatever we achieved together. I think you need to discuss this.

So...did he...?