I've had enough!! I want out but don't know how (Long rant)

[jojo38]

Hi ladies. Please bear with me-this may be a long post but I am so distraught... I need to rant, to tell someone how I feel, some people who understand...

I have had enough and want out of my marriage. I don't know how. I don't know where I stand legally with my children, what happens afterwards etc...

My boys are away this week - thank god.

I have wanted to leave before but always managed to stay put for some reason or another. I do love him but I can't live with him anymore. I don't know what to do. I believe he has AS but no diagnosis... only typical symptoms.

We had a row - you guessed. It was my mums birthday so we went out for a meal, somewhere where we hadn't been before and it was really nice! He was drinking as usual. We got home after dropping mum back home. First thing he says to me is whats the matter now, why are you so, so distant - in a tone of voice I could have shoved up his arse! I went in the kitchen to make a cup of tea... I tell him I am not distant, I am tired and it's the first day of my period. He just shakes his head and says - that confirms it all then. It's as tho he has been waiting for this all night... bottled up and waiting to burst.

I sit next to him on the settee. I explain that he has had a bit to drink and we are both tired but I do not like being spoken to like that. I had explained and that he had not accepted it, just believed that I was on the attack. I apologised for goodness sake. He is sitting forward from me at this point. He is still shaking his head. He then goes on to tell me that my mobile phone company charges twice the price as his!!! WHAT!!!???? (I know, I know).

I say to him that it really isnt' the right time to be discussing my mobile phone company. He then asks me - what time IS right then? Errr, I am not sure but I don't think this was getting us anywhere. I asked him to forget it for now, and stop worrying. He then has a right bloody go at me because I have NO IDEA WHAT HE IS ON ABOUT!!

By this time I had had enough. I told him I was very hurt by what he had said and the fact that every time something has anything to do with me, he has to pick holes in it or put it down. He started before we went out... making jokey comments... I asked him to stop but he kept on and on.

He even picked an arguement with my mother about where mum and I used to live... he hadn't even lived there, so how could he comment???!! He was spoiling for a fight or trying to gain control.... as he usually does.

This was the cracker tho... the proverbial straw... wait for this!!
I go to try and calm the situation down by trying to talk to him calmly, listening to what he had to say etc... only to get a shouting at about how he pays for my kids, how HE had to go out with MY kids yesterday and use HIS money to buy MY mother a birthday present!!! How THEIR father has given THEM money NOT to be spent on ANYONE here etc...
He then shouts at me that he has just spent his last penny on the meal - I had told him that mum would be happy to go halves but he is an arrogant shit and even before we went he said to me - I suppose I am expected to foot the bill

This shook me to the core. I really had no idea this is how he felt. I know that he is materialistic and worries about money but this was just the final nail in the coffin.

My ex doesn't pay maintenance... he is a shit.
DH reckons that because HE pays HIS maintenance, he is an ok guy... fair enough, why not? But does this mean he has to bring MY kids into HIS arguement just to get at ME??? No.

Anyway, I did look shocked and I said something equally as shocking... I told him that he had no right to speak that way. I asked him who the hell he thought he was?!!
He shouted again at me - *Well, who's going to feed them next week then?!!" He goes on about the money that my youngest has been given and how he has been told by my ex that he isnt' to spend it on us etc..

I flipped. I got the money and threw it at him. I took all the money out of my bag (from the sale of some chairs - MY chairs) and threw that at him ranting and raving at him that we didn't need his money OR HIM!! I told him to go to hell.

I drove off round and about for hours. No call, no nothing. I called him... he told me that if I wanted to talk to him, I was to come home now! He didnt' want to talk to me, he wanted control. I kept ringing him up just for the hell of it. Yes, I wanted him to apologise and ASK me to come home. I hate him for not treating me with respect. I hate him for not giving a shit.

I can't live with him anymore. I just can't.

I am really sorry. I have no one to talk to... only my mum but it isnt' fair on her. She is disabled, and has had enough heartache to last her a few lifetimes.

A bugger it... what the pooo. It's nearly 3 in the morning and I just want to run away but there is no where for me to go. I am so sorry I have ranted on.

Oh jojo- I'm sorry to hear things are so hard. I've really got to get some sleep now or I will be in trouble tomorrow but wanted to send you a big hug and let you know someone was reading your post. I hope things will feel a small bit better in the morning, sweetie. I'm sure there'll be lots of support on here. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Never up this late at the mo, hope you are feeling okay with a little more sleep? In some ways I know how your feeling, I keep having ups and downs with my selfish DP, I posted last week and got some good advice, can't remember what the thread was called though, I will have a look for you.
At the end of the day he knew you had children before he got with you, and more than likely knew your ex didn't pay maintenance, so I wouldn't let him use that as a stick to beat you with! Keep posting, you will get some good advice here, I don't really have any as my head is a bit all over the place as well though - take care.

Hope you managed to get a little sleep, JoJo. He does sound like an arrogant . Just bumping this up in the hope that someone with practical advice will see it. xx

JoJO, how are you feeling now? Did you end up going home and talking about it with him?

Hopefully things aren;t looking so bad this morning and you can think a bit clearer now.....if you are still wanting to leave but not sure how to go about it, I would suggest seeing someone at the CAB for some legal advice re the kids/house etc. Do you have any other family of close friends you coudl stay with for a bit? Even if it is just til the kids get back, it might give both of you ths time you need to cool down and yhink about what you really want out of this.

Sorry I can't be anymore help

Awww, i'm glad you found somewhere to talk about it - the first thing is, are you actually 'safe' being in the house with him atm?

And also, do you own your house and is it in joint names??

If I were you, I'd go and see a solicitor ASAP - most of them will give you some free advice (look in Yellow Pages) and they'll be able to advise you best. Hope things aren't too bad this morning

Oh, the other thing I can't stress enough is - don't leave the kids with your DH if you leave. If things get nasty later that will come against you HARD.

Hi Jojo

How are things this morning ?
Do you think he is very stressed about something(s) at the moment and that this is his way of dealing with it ?
At the end of the day maybe you guys should decide how much you value your relationship and deicde if it is worth working on it (maybe with relate or something).... I just had someone close to me leave their other half and whilst this is what they wanted now they are both devastated by the consequences....
You have obviously left one man before.... is this one worth leaving ? Not saying he isn't.... just asking...

Take care of yourself though....... hugs xxxx

Im still here.
Im tired and so very sore inside. I feel like it is the end. In a way I want it to be.

He was here when I woke up. I told him I want him to sort out selling the house. That's it.

The house is in joint names but be borrowed money from parents for deposit. Part of what is owed to my mum is my children's inheritence from her.

He said nothing. Just sat as usual watching the fucking news. Absolutely cold and empty. No reaction, nothing.
Not sure if he even remembers. Not sure I give a shit if he does or not.

I am so numb.

In the cold light of day, things seem harder. I can't afford anything. not ever a solicitor, and he knows it. What a shit.

Thinking about it, one thing I do know is that if you own the house together - once you leave voluntarily you have no right to return. So maybe staying somewhere else, if you do intend to finish the relationship with him, would not be the best idea. Having said that, if you feel unsafe staying there and he will not leave, you may need to take futher advice on how to reslove the situation.

Be careful.

Go to the CAB today

Thanks nutsnuts.
I think I know - the worst thing is that I do know that I have no rights at all really.

I feel so useless. I have made such a fool of myself again.
I need some positive feelings for when my boys come home. What on earth do I tell them? How do I cope with the atmosphere - for their sakes. I can't do this to them again.

at least this time will be my own decision with no third party.

You'll be able to get a free consultation with a solicitor, and legal aid to go ahead with the divorce. If you haven't got any money to live on, the council can help. And you can ask him to leave the house, you don't have to. if he absolutely won't, you can get the police involved to help. There's ways to do it if you're sure you want to - the money issue shouldn't stop you.

Could you go to the CAB for some advice today? It sounds like you need to sort this out before the kids come home at the end of the week

You always have rights JoJo, it just seems hopeless now becuase you really never wanted it to come to this. Try to focus on making the situation better, rather than worrying about how bad it all is for you and the kids.

Take a positive step and go and see either a solicitor or the CAB today, at least that way you can make a plan towards making it better for when the kids come back. I know you don't want to burden your mum with anything at the moment and you are worried about how this will all affect the kids but look at it this way - they love and want you to be happy don't they? If changing your situation will make you happy, then it is for the best.

Take a positive step and stop letting him dictate how things are done.

When I called him from my mobile last night - on a number of ocassions, and I told him I was coming home - he laughed at me.

It was so obvious that he knew he was in control and that I had no where to go.

I moved here with my boys 5yrs ago. It was my decision, a risk I took for my boys but I did it. He welcomed us with open arms and roses round the door. Since that day, it has all been going down hill.
I have kept journals of how I have felt over the years. I feel like I have been led up the garden path.

What have I got out of this? Finding out that I am that mug. The mug who let her first husband poke her best mate, the mug who put her children in the firing line of an unknown world, only to find out it was a fantasy after all. A hoax. The mug who has let this happen for far too long. The mug who is reliant on an arrogant pig, who is so scared and lonely.
Perhaps it IS all my fault. I really don't care. I just want to be on my own - with my boys. My eldest will want to live with his shit of a father, my youngest will not know how to cope with all this - change their schools AGAIN???? No, I can't do that to them. I just can't.

oh fu** it.

jojo - I know it seems bad at the moment but thats only because things have suddenly come to a head. Once you get on with the practical side of things (getting away from dh) your emotions can start to settle down too.

As long as the boys have a good mum (you) they'll be ok and they'll cope with changing schools. I changed a few times and I don't think it did me any damage.

Focus on what you do want JoJo not on what you don;t want (moving the boys, leaving him, the cost etc).

It does not have to be another bad move, it can be a good one and the start of something better for all of you. Get some advice and get him out. Just because you took the step to be there does not mean you have to the one to step away.

Use the horrible feelings you have about him right now to your benefit and let him be the one to be laughed at.

I have changed their school a few times already. Eldest ds is in his GCSE year. Youngest has dyspraxia - and is just about coping - not very well - where he is. It would be a bad move.
I just wish it was over. I wish this had never happend.

What do I do about the car? I have one in my name, he's supposed to be paying for it. I can't. When I met him, I used the money from my first marriage - which wasn't much - to buy a car for all of us - MPV, 7 str coz there were 6 of us plus my mum when she visited. It dropped dead and he said it is the replacement... I can't afford to keep it on, let alone insure the bloody thing.

Is it worth sorting this out? Just for the kids sakes? I don't want to lose them. I will if my x has his way. I m so confused... oh well.

runtus, I am so sorry i got your name wrong. I had only just woken up, I read it as nutnuts... oops. sorry hun. Thanks too.

Not to worry JoJo, I've been called a lot worse in my time!

I know you have an awful lot to think about and consider at the moment and I am by no means telling you to leave if that is not right for you but get some advice while you are thinking about it all. It won't cost you a thing and at least you will really KNOW where you stand as opposed to simply guessing the worst. What you do with that advice is up to you....

I know you're not hun. I just don't know how to approach this. He is such a cold fish. As I said before, I think he has Aspergers. I have only recently found out that this may be his problem with communication, empathy - or lack of it etc... It has been driving a wedge bx us for years.
I mentioned our relationship here on MN, someone kindly pointed me in the right direction. It all makes sense.
I have been making allowances for the past few weeks but I just can't take it anymore.

How can you help those who are just so fu**ing arrogant, they won't help themselves. Hark at me - pot and kettle spring to mind. I am surprised Ihave anything in my mind atm as I feel so numb.

I know he won't talk to me or try to apologise. THats the awful thing. I think deep down that is what I want/need most of all. He is not a young man and I know he won't change. Why am I trying to fool myself..again.

He used the money thing against his ex. I know he will use it against me too. He mentioned that if this goes to court then we will see what the judge makes of HIS bank statements, paying for all the food, kids etc... I feel like I am being blackmailed.

I think I remember reading some of that thread now you say it, was unsure what AS was but I think I know now. All the symptoms do fit as you say but you can't go on living like this just becuase he has it. You have a right to a good/fulfilling life too.......you just have to get there somehow.

I was speaking to a friend of mine the other day about how it was ehen she left her ex and she explained it like this, it is a horrible thing to go through but it isn't the end - it is a step. No-one wants to do it and yes it is horrible but it for a purpose, to have a better life for you and the kids. It seems like a hell of a awful thing to have to go through now but considering the night you had last night, how much worse can it get??

Think about it and if possible, over the coming weeks, see if you can save whatever money you can lay your hands on. Not easy I know but if you can get anything behind you, no matter how small an amount, it will def help

jojo38 - I have no prctical advice but I just would like to say that I have read your post and I really feel for you. I hope you have the strength to do what is best for you and your children, so you can start looking towards a better future. I can't see how the environment you are all in at the moment is good for any of you.
xxxx

Sorry you are in thsi awful situation jojo. My only good peice of advice really is to listen to wobblyknicks, she makes a lot of sense.

I am sort of in the same position as you, knowing that i don't want the relationship to continue but not wanting to bring my kids worlds crashing down either.
I am perhaps a little luckier in the fact that our house is rented from a H/A and i would more than likly be able to remanin in it.

As for everything else, i just don't know. It is so hard and you have my sympathy.

( nutty!!!! ta!!!)

jojo - as soon as you talk to a solicitor or someone at the CAB they should reassure you - because your dh CAN'T use money etc to blackmail you - that won't wash in any court, trust me. The courts will make a huge deal of the fact that you've got kids to look after, who put in the most money is NOT the be all and end all. Please talk to someone who knows the legal facts - they'll be able to tell you your rights. And yes, you do have a LOT of rights - some men argue that women have too many rights but they are YOUR rights and you should use them. He's only trying to scare you into staying by the talk of money - imagine how much money he'd have now if he'd paid you for all the work you do with the kids, house etc - HE'D probably be bankrupt, that's why the courts recognise that its not all his.

And there's nothing you can do to change him - only he can do that. if he's not willing to change and you're not happy, then you have to end the relationship - you can't stay unhappy all of your life just because it will be hard to leave. I know lots of women, including me, who've found leaving their dh wasn't as bad as they thought it would be in the end, whereas I can't think of one who found it was worse than she imagined.

Luckily in this country you should never be without a roof over your head and food for you and your kids - so whatever your dh threatens it'll never get THAT bad.

I found that the hardest thing about leaving is actually making your mind up 100% to leave and getting the REAL facta about leaving (rather than what your dh would like you to believe). Once you get those 2 things sorted, it should get easier, not harder. I'm not promising you it'll be a piece of cake because it probably won't, but it won't be as bad as you think either. You've always got help on here if you want it and there's plenty of people in the real world who have a duty to help - you just need to ask.

Just look in your Yellow Pages, find a solicitor who does legal aid, they have to give you initial free advice and I think that will make a lot of things instantly clearer for you.