A question for those who are single by choice...

[JustWonderingAboutSomething]

I know there are many women who post on here who are single by choice.

In many cases, it seems to be a result of being treated badly once too often by men and a choice made in self preservation. In some cases, women seem to have genuinely chosen, for whatever reason, to remain single and maintain that there is
nothing and no one who would deter them from that path.

I just wondered how you would feel, or what you would do, if someone asked you out?

I don't mean being asked for your number by a drunk bloke in the pub or whatever. I suppose I just wondered how many women who are single through choice would remain resolutely so if they met someone who seemed to be decent and with whom they had a mutual attraction.

Would you give it a go? Would your past experiences be enough to make you project into the future and still say no? Would the impact on your life be so great that you genuinely can't imagine where someone else would fit in? Or are you so sure of it that it wouldn't even get that far because you'd shut anything/anyone down before it had chance to begin?

I ask because I am single through choice after a combination of bad experiences, realising I'd have to make too many sacrifices to accommodate someone else into my life and realising that I'm not really cut out for relationships.

It's not a comfortable choice though. It feels like one borne of necessity rather than desire.

Every few years, I meet someone I feel have a genuine connection with and take a chance on it and it never works!

I just wondered if it's time to say no forever and if that would make me feel happier in the long run.

Im not sure, i am put of men now
I can’t bare the thought if ever living with another man again...

I was single by choice until 34. Partly I knew I needed to work on myself as I had low self esteem and expected too much from other people. That wouldn’t have been fair on a relationship.
I had therapy for a six years but still had no desire for a relationship - I was happy with my own company and had built a lot of good male and female friendships around me.
Then one of the friends asked me out and we’re now engaged....if he hadn’t though then I would still be single. I wasn’t looking for a relationship.

No, I do think I'd ever want to live with anyone. I did it twice. I wouldnt again.

I like my own space, I need a fair bit of time on my own to 'recover' after spending time with people.

I've never wanted to see anyone I was dating more than once a week really however much I've liked them!

I miss sex and ive had a few genuine friends with benefits - men I had long standing friendships with where, for a few months here and there, we had episodes of having sex with each other, but i wouldn't have wanted any of them to become a relationship for various reasons. I'm not sure I'd even want that anymore though!

I have a number of male and female friends. I don't see any of my previous fwbs anymore. One we just grew apart, one met someone and the other became increasingly spiteful and then physically assaulted me over the course of a few months.

I'm known in my friendships groups as the one who is always single!

This has happened to me, I really liked the chap but the thought of kissing someone again or being intimate feels me with dread , so I really believe I will be single forever.

But if it fills you with dread and you believe you will be single forever, that doesn't sound like a true 'choice'. A genuine, "I'm never going to be in a relationship again because I enjoy being single too much and there is nothing that anyone else could add to my life," decision.

I'm curious as to whether any of these 'single by choice' women would turn down genuine potential relationships because being single is truly preferable to them.

Rather than turning them down out of dread or fear.

I would probably turn them down. I don’t think I’ll be in a relationship at least until my children grow up, I’ve had too many bad experiences with men and I don’t want to bring any man into our little unit. Maybe once my kids have moved out I’d say yes if someone asked me out, but I don’t know. I’m happy on my own, I really can’t see what a man would add to my life.

I have a boyfriend but I am extremely wary of ever living with a man again, if that counts.

I like the sex and having someone on my side, but blokes just take up so much space. I like being the captain of my own ship as such. Living together isn't on my agenda.

I’ve been single for a long time and have kind of accepted it as ‘me’. If someone asked me out I’d consider it on its merits- if I liked them, if I thought we’d have a nice time etc. I can’t imagine living with anyone though.

I'm single, initially because I had some bad relationships and realised that i needed to work on myself, then as time went on i enjoyed my independence / single life so much that i became cautious about dating again. I would probably have a relationship with someone that wanted the same things in life as me. No living together, lots of space but also made me feel secure that they weren't going to cheat, someone I could have fun with but avoid the mundane day to day stuff. I've come close a couple of times but no one that made me want to give up my singledom. I think if you are truly single by choice and happy with that choice, then it would take someone pretty special to change that

I classify myself as not actively looking for a partner. But if someone came into my life I probably wouldn't be closed off to it.
However I never want to live with a man again.
So I'm happy being single forever if that's what happens. Is that single by choice?

I was single by choice for 15 years because I didn’t like anyone enough to want to give up my single life for them. It meant not having kids but that was a price I was ok with paying; I absolutely was not going to settle. I had a good time - lots of travel, living in different cities; no regrets. I started seeing someone 7 months ago and it’s going well - mainly, I think, because I know what I want and am now confident enough to explain that. I see him once a week, the odd weekend away when allowed, and it’s lovely. Can’t see us moving in together - we like our own space too much, but he is lovely to be with and I’m glad he’s in my life. But if we split up, I think I’d carry on being single - I really liked it, and as an introvert I never really got lonely.

Single because I don’t want to compromise or settle. Happy with my life. If someone who matched my ideal came along I’d consider dating him, but I’m doubtful that person exists. I was badly hurt and lied to by my last partner and don’t want anyone to upset the happy balance I have with my two children again. I have had a few dates since but the guys all seems so defective!

How are we defining single by choice here? As in no dates or sex etc? Or as in no living together and life partnering?

@JustWonderingAboutSomething

I'm curious as to whether any of these 'single by choice' women would turn down genuine potential relationships because being single is truly preferable to them.

I’m single by choice, and very happily so, I’m not that way because of previous traumatic experiences etc. I’d turn down a relationship simply because I’m not interested in one, I don’t want one. Just like how I’d turn down the potential to move to America for work, I’m not interested in that and I don’t want it. But I have flings, FWBs and fuckbuddies, just like how I have holidays to America, short haul holidays and mini-breaks.

How are we defining single by choice here? As in no dates or sex etc? Or as in no living together and life partnering

I don't know really!

I was thinking of the women who don't seem to have a man in their life at all.

Although, I wouldn't really consider a fwb or arrangements for sex to be not single.

Either a boyfriend or partner. No romantic or emotional entanglement with a man at all.

I haven't lived with a man for a good many years. I have dated and had short relationships. But I'm not really interested in that anymore either. I have male friends who I like but no relationship, no intimacy, no affection, no sex, no dates nothing, no boyfriend, no partner. Nothing. And I'm trying to work out how I feel about it.

But, in the olden days pre covid, I did get approached sometimes, i did get asked out, i did have men who made efforts to get to know me. Not loads, but it happened! Most of whom I wasn't interested in. When i was, and gave it a go, they let me down in one way or another and left me wishing I just hadn't bothered in the first place and regretting the time I'd wasted on them (we're talking months not years).

I'm similar to some of you in that I don't actively date, I never look for a man etc but, if I've met someone i liked, I've given it a go. But now I'm wondering about just saying no from the offset and not even giving it a chance. Even if I like them. Or perhaps shitting it down before it even gets that far.

sammylady37

That sounds perfect!

But I'm not sure I can be bothered with even the flings and fwbs anymore.

For me I wouldn't know if a person was potential relationship material without knowing them in a friendship capacity first.

I'm not interested in the dating scene tbh, it's a waste of time and energy to me...
I want to see the real person warts and all not a polished mask that later turns out to be a sack of shit.

I dont think single by choice really means you say no to someone who asks you out even if you like them. Unless you are trying to recover from abuse perhaps.

I've spent lots of my life single by choice because dating sucks and life is usually easier single anyway. But if during these times, a young Leonnardo DiCaprio had appeared on my doorstep and given me the patter...I'd have been on him like white on snow.

I'm not interested in the dating scene tbh, it's a waste of time and energy to me...

Same here. I sit here shaking my head when I see it being suggested as a panacea to dating problems or loneliness on here. It's dreadful!

I dont think single by choice really means you say no to someone who asks you out even if you like them. Unless you are trying to recover from abuse perhaps.

Well I guess that was the crux of my question. Are there some women who are so resolutely single that they would turn down a relationship even if they liked a person?

I would say no because I don’t want a relationship so why bother going on dates etc when your heart isn’t in it. To be honest I prefer the company of women to men now as I don’t feel like I have much in common with men. However, as I don’t find women sexually attractive I am happy just having friends. I often found sex overrated anyway so it’s not something I miss or crave. Now I am in my 50’s, I am happy with my career and get all the cuddles I need off my grandchild and my dogs.

It’s probably not entirely choice but I’ve been without a man in my life for about 4 years. In the beginning it was definitely a choice because I didn’t want the potential hassle as I was concentrating on an important project. Then it was because I was travelling and didn’t even find an available man I fancied enough for a 1 nighter, and I've not bothered since covid due to the changing lockdown rules.

Would I turn down the offer now I’m settled? If I looked at him and wanted to rip his kit off (and I liked his company) then, no, I probably wouldn’t turn him down. But I don’t want anything more than a once or maximum twice a week date, and I certainly don’t want cohabitation or marriage. I like men and I like sex, but have historically found relationships disappointing so not convinced I want one. Plus I don’t get lonely so I'm not motivated by wanting company either, and to be honest I think I’m a bit shit at relationships.