Abusive ex, need advice.

[MommaBee95]

Hello, to make a long story kind of short-ish.

I left my ex partner September 2018 after he raped me and pushed me down because I was standing in the door way preventing him to going to hang out with his mate who I found out he did cocaine and talked about escorts with (found out through his Facebook messages)
I don't want a lecture, I know he's a messed up guy, I hate him for the trauma he's caused me and my kids, were no longer together, that's just one incident that's happened of many, maybe 4 violent incidents in a 8 year time with loads of sexual abuse as well.

Well here we go, I was living at my mums house which is overcrowded, (my 6 year old and my 1 year old having to share a room and bed with me) been to council more than once and the advised me to try private renting because of waiting list, but it's been so hard as I can't afford 6 months rent up front and I have to pay for transport to get my son to school which comes to 100 pounds a week!!
I've always suffered with health anxiety, worrying of myself getting sick and my kids not having a mjm to care for them or one of them getting sick. Since the Covid pandemic started, it has gotten way worse, not making anythjng easier that my mum works for the NHS at the hospital on a covid ward. This heightened my anxiety tremendously, my brothers kept leaving the house during lockdown seeing friends etc, got sick, refused to wear a mask when leaving his room, putting me and my kids health at risk, it caused loads of arguments, my 6 year old feeling the tension, because of the overcrowdedness there as tensions there anyways, they'd throw my kids clothes and toys in the bin if they were in their way, just plain nasty at times and it all became very unbearable especially when my 6 year old used to cry and say he didn't want to be there anymore.

I was desperate and reached out to my ex who was living with his mum and asked him if he can get my a small flat 1 bedroom or help me with a guarantor because I can't take being there any longer, he ended up getting a 2 bedroom flat and moved in!! I was very desperate and wanted to see my son happy and I wanted control over my fears and the situation at my mother's house.

The abuse has started up again, not physical abuse but sexual abuse, intimidation and feeling like I "owe" him for helping me out. I absolutely hate it here, he's begging me to sleep with him, asking me will I call the police if he raped me, very short tempered with the kids, they are afraid of him, going back to mums where I was facing more abuse isn't an option
I want to leave, ASAP. I need my own space. I don't have money, I depend on him loads.
I just want to make my kids and myself happy and out of this nightmare.
Can the council help me?
There's so much more to this situation but I don't want anyone to get bored and stop reading and I don't get the advice I need. Thank you all

I think this depends alot on your area, I am down south, m25 commuter belt, not in your situation at all but council housing is sparse, I would suggest going back to your mums immediately as your children should not be subjected to this. How big is your mums house? I had to go home and was there years after a separation, back to home town, not much drama but was wiped off council house list as 3 bed house she owned for 2 of us, I have now left and managed part buy.

However, a friend had to go home to a 1 bed house with parents,l with 2 kids, they 'evicted' her and she was in a b and b for months then a hostel which was so grim then got a flat, it all depends on a lot of factors.
Mental health, DV, are children at risk, social services involved, they can bump you up.

Another friend was on the list and temp accommodation for 12 years, think down south. However mid county friends have had much more luck.

I think you area will make a huge difference x

Hi Ugzbugz, thank you for your reply.
I'm in Nottinghamshire.

My mum has a 4 bedroom house, there's her, my two brothers and my room. We are facing abuse there as well, my son hated it and constantly said he hated himself due to the constant arguing. It isn't nice at all, the situation that I'm in now isn't any better, he isn't saying he hates himself anymore but always tells me he's afraid of his dad and that he thinks his dad will be mad at him if he breaks something by mistake.
SS was involved in the beginning but closed the case as I was fit for making sure they were safe, recently they have just come back into the picture after I told a teacher from his school that we had to move in with his dad to to the situation at my mums house, obviously they became worried and let SS know. A social worker came to the house the past week and I explained her my situation and worries.
My mum and her household have recently had covid so I am afraid of going back at the moment. Social worker has said that she will try and do everything to get me out of here x

Please, please, please call women's aid. You need support to get out of this situation and start making steps to moving forward and being safe

I'm not sure if I should tell her about the recent developments about him saying he wants to rape me I don't want to put myself in a situation that I'll regret. I'm worried sick that they are going to take my children away, all I want is the best for them and I feel like I'm failing at that no matter what I do

Has he said that in messages / email? Please please contact women aid and ask them how you stand legally?

If he is threatening to rape you then fucking hell how awful and how damning - for him. I'm so sorry he's done that.

@MommaBee95 I live in east London, over crowded like yourself. I’m not sure what Nottinghamshire is like, but I would assume it’s easier to get a place than it is in London.
Go to your local council office and tell them your homeless. Say you’ve had to leave your place because of your abusive ex (threatening rape etc). They will house you! It might be a hotel / bnb at first but if they have council housing available you will get that. You will eventually get a council place if you don’t straight away.
I know how hard it is with covid, I live in fear that I will get the virus or that my 3 month old will get it. It’s a horrible type of anxiety, but to have to live in fear of a n ex partner on top of it is awful!!! I’m here if you ever need to talk xxxx

Nobody will take you children away unless you prioritise him over them. If you were to continue a relationship with a sexually, emotionally abusive man then they may consider removing children from the home. But the threshold is woefully high.

If YOU remove them from being around him and stick to it, you will get more support and have a better case to be their primary carer and guardian. 100%.

@youvegottenminuteslynn Im trying. I applied to my local council yesterday as homeless as advised by my SS. I really want to get us out of here, I'm just really afraid of being place in a refuge with other families, I have asthma, anxiety.

Placed with other families during a pandemic*

@SpotlessMind88 I applied to my local council as homeless and my social worker has said that she will write a supporting letter and try to bump me up. He doesn't know that the social worker is involved. He makes me too uncomfortable to tell him things, plus he may get nasty. I'm planning on leaving without him knowing. Should I tell the social worker about the rape thing?
I feel like I'm playing with fire.

@youvegottenminuteslynn yes, through messages. He has also said that my 6 year old crying would make someone want to kill him.

@MommaBee95 that’s good to hear and yes don’t tell your ex anything, it’s best that he doesn’t know.
You have kids so should be near the top of the list for rehousing. You don’t have to tell the council about him threatening rape. Just the fact that you’re homeless with kids will be enough to house you. If you get specific and tell the social worker about his rape threats it will build a case to stop him from seeing the kids and that’s totally up to you.
I really hope the council rehouse you ASAP. The sooner you’re out of there, the better.

Keeping things from the social worker will not help. If you saying 'this is the situation, please help me, then they will do that. Send them screenshot of this threats to you and the 6 year. Mentioning raping you and killing the 6yr old is extremely concerning. You need to be asking for support to access a refuge at this point. Don't let your health anxiety get in the way of this, they have strict infection control measures and people have to isolate in their rooms if they are new as to not 'bring covid in'. Ask for the social workers help to access a refuge or contact women's aid as it is the weekend. There will also be an emergency duty social worker that can be contacted at the weekend. Get to a refuge and safety. Then when you are safe you can seek support for your health anxiety. A new life awaits you and your children.

You need to tell the SS everything - about the rape, the threats, and fear.

If you go into refuge, they're usually separate living spaces with communal areas you can choose to use. (In the schemes my HA operates currently most of the communal areas are closed because of the Covid risk to keep everyone safe).

You also have to start being realistic about your risks. You're in far more danger from a man who has already raped you and is threatening you and your little boy, than you are from Covid.

He goes through a nice and short tempered cycle, now I can hear him playing with the 6 year old, later he'll be a totally different person as his moods vary.

If you fail to show you are capable of protecting your children and yourself that is when you risk losing them. Which is what you're doing right now. Failing to protect them. Failing to adequately assess risk. Failing to protect yourself.

You need to be honest and get the hell away from this dangerous man. Your children should not be living with him. They should have woken up somewhere safe this morning. They deserved to wake up somewhere safe this morning but they didn't.

Have you even tried to get a refuge space?

Your children shouldn't be spending another day with this man.

Just leave . I know your in a terrible situation but just leave .
If you go down the council and show them some proof they will house you immediately. Even if it's a bnb

You need to hold nothing back from Social Services because you are at an extremely high risk of being further being harmed physically by this man.

What you are being shown by this person is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one.

Can you go out to Boots the chemist and ask for Ani?. The staff in there can and will help you because they can give you access to domestic violence support like Womens Aid. You and your son need a refuge place urgently.

Your Social worker writing letters to the council to support your application takes time and that is very much of the essense here. Neither of you should spend another day with this individual.

Do not let your health anxiety get in the way here of a refuge place for you and your son.

@user1174147897 I understand, but I've protected them all this time. I refuse to let him have ths kids on his own. I can't go to my mums because they've all recently been ill with Covid. I don't have any friends and family as I'm not originally from the UK so I don't have much of a support system, if I did catch covid and needed treatment I won't have anyone to care for my children which is my biggest worry. I am thinking of finding a cheap hotel and going there instead.

OP, I'm sorry but you may be protecting them physically but you said yourself he's "very short tempered with the kids, they are afraid of him". You are not protecting them emotionally. They are living in fear. This has long term consequences for their mental wellbeing.

I don't think you're being logical when you are thinking about a hotel over a refuge. But go. You need to leave.

Just to remind everyone, we were not back together. This was a temporary situation and he took advantage over the fact that I was in a desperate state and saw opportunity and moved In with him. He was paying the rent so I pretty much bit my tongue and accepted it.
I just want to get the hell out of here and live happily with my boys. I feel like I'm living a bad dream.

He is currently making the kids breakfast, playing with him, changing nappies.
His behaviour is extremely confusing

You need a refuge place rather than hotel accommodation (also many hotels are closed). How have you protected your son today from this man?. This man has been playing with your son this morning; a man who can and does turn nasty extremely quickly.

This is such a big step for me because I have suffered with social anxiety and health anxiety for years. I'm sitting here in tears because I am so afraid of going to a refuge, I don't know what to expect, I want to do it, for my kids sake especially but the thought of it scares me alot. I'm not very comfortable with change especially something so drastic as this. I just want us to be happy. This is upsetting me.

He certainly took advantage of your dire situation and cashed in on it accordingly. That was always going to happen though, your mistake here was at all reaching out to him.

He is showing you all the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. His current nice side won't last and you already know this.