Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Husband doesn't shower and it's wearing me down now

47 replies

ReeeBee · 22/01/2021 21:26

I feel like a total nag telling him to shower shower shower. He reeks. The whole room he works from home in stinks. He wears the same clothes all the time.

We share the bed, and before you ask, there's not much going on. Our sex life has been non existent for a few years now so that I'm sure the prospect of sex will not help with the showering. I'd say his libido is on the lower side and his high pressure job hasn't helped with this either.
And honestly, I'm not looking for hot dates with my man right now, we're so bogged down with it all. But I'd like him to smell normal.

I'd say our marriage is rock solid, we're a great team and have been married for years. We get on very well and mostly find solutions. But we don't spend much 'quality' time together with working children lockdown.

I feel like I'm nagging the children all day long so I'm tired supervising his hygiene on top of that. I'm literally sick of it.

I've now googled a bit and am wondering if it's a mental illness? Or is this a sign of deep marriage trouble? I think we're even too tired to have a chat about this.

Writing this down makes it seem very very bleak

OP posts:

AramintaLee · 22/01/2021 21:47

Hi OP. Sounds rough. You shouldn't have to be nagging (or even asking) a fully grown man to carry out basic hygiene. You're quite right it is a sign of a deeper issue ie. depression. Sometimes it can be so overwhelming that even the most basic of tasks seem impossible.

I think sitting down and having an honest chat about it is the only way you'll be able to move forward with this. Sometimes the truth hurts but it wouldn't be unreasonable to say "look, I want to help and support you, but you need to shower because the smell is genuinely overpowering".

I told my DP he was stinky the other day when he came home from a run. Never seen him run to the shower so quickly lol. He wasn't offended by my honesty at all and I would hope that your partner wouldn't be either.

Good luck!

sunnyzweibrucken · 22/01/2021 21:53

god i couldn't be in the same bed with someone who hadn't showered days on end - sex or no sex. yuck.

you have to talk to him about this regardless of his feelings - if someone told me i stunk i would for a few minutes be hurt but i would do what i had to do take care of it.

but to me it sounds like he's checked out of the relationship so probably doesn't care how you feel about it.

harknesswitch · 22/01/2021 21:57

🤮 that sounds rank! I don't think I could share a bed with someone who doesn't shower

Shorthairlady · 22/01/2021 21:58

My heart goes out to you. I finished with an ex because he was a soap dodger. No answers I'm afraid. It's a lack of respect towards you though.

GorvidAl · 22/01/2021 22:02

I wouldn’t be sleeping in the same bed as him. Get him a sleeping bag, drop it on the floor and tell him that on the days he doesn’t wash, he sleeps in it in a room with the windows open.

SatsumasOrClementines · 22/01/2021 22:03

You’re absolutely right that it might be depression. I think you need to have a chat with him and lay down some ultimatums. If he’s mentally well then I wouldn’t be letting him in share a bed with me. Your bedroom and bed must stink.

Twinmammma · 22/01/2021 22:06

I have a similar issue but mine is DH needs to be nagged to brush his teeth. I have no idea what the answer is but wanted you to know you’re not alone in having a DH that is like this. I even made him a bloody star chart last year. Worked for about a week. Haven’t found anything else that works apart from reminding him every morning and night...it is tiresome.

addicted2spaniels · 22/01/2021 22:09

I do appreciate that some people with depression let their hygiene go, but a lot of men just don't give a shit.

I'd have a serious chat - and warn him that his behaviour is affecting your entire family. Your DC will have noticed. He needs to be a positive role model, not a minging stinking one.

EarringsandLipstick · 22/01/2021 22:15

I'd say our marriage is rock solid, we're a great team and have been married for years.

I'm so sorry OP. This absolutely is bleak.

I'm always surprised when posters say something similar to above, when all evidence is to the contrary.

It's not a 'rock solid' marriage where one party has no respect for themselves or their family (stinking out a room 🤢) and also where physical intimacy is absent (not that I'm linking the two).

While there very may well be underlying issues, including depression, you need to spell it out to him in clear terms, that his lack of hygiene is causing you great distress, and how does he plan to deal with it?

Oreservoir · 22/01/2021 22:18

Grown men need telling to have a shower and clean their teeth?
Was this not apparent when you were dating?

Well whilst it’s not your responsibility I would put all his clothes in the wash and tell him he can’t have them back until he’s showered.

Neighneigh · 22/01/2021 22:21

I think you might be my mum. My dad's like this, he sees everything as a challenge and one of them appears to be saving water and electricity for showers. And he goes nuts when she washes his shirt. I think as pp said, that to sit him down so he can really understand how it affects you is important. Or a spare bedroom....

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 22/01/2021 22:23

Have you tried talking to him about it OP? What did he say?

seensome · 22/01/2021 22:28

Grown men need telling to have a shower and clean their teeth?
Was this not apparent when you were dating

It's funny most men can make an effort when they want to, like impressing a woman on a date, they seem to be capable of putting on clean clothes and having a wash. Then when they've got you and can't be bothered anymore, it is disrespectful to you, you are worthy of a clean man who takes pride and shows it to his woman.

Oreservoir · 22/01/2021 23:00

@seensome. It’s grim isn’t it?

NotStayingIn · 22/01/2021 23:03

Can you pinpoint when it started? Did something happen to possibly trigger a decline in his mental health? (I appreciate a lot is happening right now due to Covid of course!)

Aquamarine1029 · 22/01/2021 23:04

What a horrific example he is setting for your children. This would be a deal breaker for me, and I would definitely refuse to allow him in your bed. How disgusting.

seensome · 22/01/2021 23:06

@Oreservoir so grim! One of the many reasons I finished with my ex is because he would go days without showering and cleaning his teeth 🤢 when he first started dating me, he bought new clothes, showered, chewed gum, then it went downhill in a relationship, I wonder if they join a secret slob club of not washing just to piss us off, honestly so many threads about it on here recently 😂

Msfoxy17 · 22/01/2021 23:09

Sure I read a very similar post the other day...is this a lockdown thing? Like, it's ok to shower when around those you dont live with but ok not to bother when it's just your wife and kids...
My DP has defo let the showers slips a bit of late but he has one regularly enough to smell reasonable...

Purplethrow · 22/01/2021 23:12

What is it with stinky men ? There’s been quite a few on MN recently.

Onthemaintrunkline · 22/01/2021 23:12

I don’t know about it being a mental health issue, I’m no expert, but being clean (if you have facilities makes this a no-brainer). I would not be sharing a bed with him until he cops on. Don’t nag, put it back in his court, he doesn’t share your bed till he showers daily. Could it also be basic laziness?

MixMatch · 22/01/2021 23:16

I feel like there's been a sudden deluge of all these threads about men who don't shower/brush teeth etc , what is going on??

OP could he be depressed? Stopping basic hygiene can be one of the symptoms of depression and such prolonged lack of self care is indicative of deeper issues. A lot of men suppress and hide negative emotions until it's sadly too late. Suicide is the biggest killer of men under 45 for example.

MixMatch · 22/01/2021 23:21

OP, instead of nagging him yet again, sit him down for a private chat and say you're very concerned about him and would like him to open up to you and you're here to listen non judgementally and support him.

Advise him he should go to his GP. the lack of showering is a symptom not a cause so nagging someone who is already down is not going to help get to the root of the problem and will just cause him to continue bottling up whatever is going on.

BarbarAnna · 22/01/2021 23:32

I do think there will be an element of depression in the many threads on this. There is definitely a feeling of can’t be arsed in the population. I am not a clean freak and I struggle with depression a bit, but have enough pride and self awareness to shower at least every other day. I have had lower points though. When you need to go to work every day, I do think it forces the issue. This needs a kind but serious talk in my view.

Anoisagusaris · 22/01/2021 23:33

How long does he go without showering?

RoseMartha · 22/01/2021 23:53

I sympathise. My exh was like this. Longest he went without a shower was a month, which happened once or twice a year. On average showered twice a month. Even in a heat wave.

No I am not suggesting you get divorced. I just understand what its like when your h doesnt wash.

Flip

1 2