Husband doesn't shower and it's wearing me down now

[ReeeBee]

I feel like a total nag telling him to shower shower shower. He reeks. The whole room he works from home in stinks. He wears the same clothes all the time.

We share the bed, and before you ask, there's not much going on. Our sex life has been non existent for a few years now so that I'm sure the prospect of sex will not help with the showering. I'd say his libido is on the lower side and his high pressure job hasn't helped with this either.
And honestly, I'm not looking for hot dates with my man right now, we're so bogged down with it all. But I'd like him to smell normal.

I'd say our marriage is rock solid, we're a great team and have been married for years. We get on very well and mostly find solutions. But we don't spend much 'quality' time together with working children lockdown.

I feel like I'm nagging the children all day long so I'm tired supervising his hygiene on top of that. I'm literally sick of it.

I've now googled a bit and am wondering if it's a mental illness? Or is this a sign of deep marriage trouble? I think we're even too tired to have a chat about this.

Writing this down makes it seem very very bleak

I don't necessarily think it is depression. My DP is the same. It was how he was brought up In my opinion. His mum unfortunately sometimes smells a bit and the house he grew up in (she still lives there) is filthy and not very nice. He has probably cleaned his teeth maybe 5 times in a year. Sometimes doesn't shower for over a week. I have given up. He just gets offended if I say anything. He showers for sex though. Which is annoying as if we get at anything he always says he's going for a shower and then the mood (for me anyway) is kind of gone.

I have read a lot on here recently about men not showering, so you're definitely not alone. It doesn't make it right in any way though. No man I've ever known well has had such a poor level of hygiene. As a pp said, this is a lack of respect for himself and his family. Don't know how you share a bed with him.

I would not be able to sleep if he was stinking next to me. Do you have a spare room he could sleep in.

@pradamarda

Serious question, why have you allowed yourself to lower your standards to such a massive degree? Why are you living like this, with a man who clearly doesn't respect how you feel?

@Aquamarine1029 I do love him. If I tell him to shower and clean his teeth he will, but then I feel like I have a third child, which also isn't sexy.

I'm not sure he even thinks about it like the rest of us do, I automatically get up clean my teeth and have a shower. I suspect it's his up bringing. In May I told him he had not cleaned his teeth since February and he denied it, I knew he had not because his tooth brush was still in his suitcase from when we went on holiday.

If depression is the cause of the OP's husband's poor hygiene he's unlikely to open up to OP if questioned. For many men it's the same. Signposting via GP, or directly to local Mental Health Access Team is a better idea, and he has to want to engage. Not an easy situation though OP, and you can certainly suggest an appointment with the soap brush.

What an awful situation. How do these blokes who never clean their teeth not have terrible dental problems and pain?

@pradamarda what do your DP's teeth look like? I'm struggling to understand how someone can brush their teeth 5 times a year.

I couldn’t put up with this op. Your stomach and nose must be less sensitive than mine to share a house let alone a bed with him. I also don’t see how your marriage can be rock solid if he doesn’t respect himself or you.

Pre Covid we used to travel to visit relatives in Europe and I was desperate to clean my teeth after 12 hours in a car.
How does someone cope with furry, disgusting teeth?

What’s his reason for not showering?

How long has he had this issue?

Does he realise how it effects others?

Does he recognise that it’s a problem?

@Purplethrow

What is it with stinky men ? There’s been quite a few on MN recently.

I was thinking this. It's so unappealing!

It may be a mental health issue, but regardless, you do him nor you any favours by being in the same bed whilst he is like this.

@Purplethrow and @grapewine people falling out of normal behaviour seems to be some people's response to the pandemic. Stinkiness is the worst by far but there are others it seems.

This is years ago. When I was dating my ex, he invited me to stay over at his home for the first time. Had a lovely evening. Bedtime came. I went to the bathroom to clean my teeth, tongue, and, had a shower (as I always do). I go into the bedroom & he's sat on the edge of the bed in old man pyjamas, socks, and, matching slippers lol, he said to me "why do you clean your teeth before bed"? And, "how on earth can you be bothered"? I said "I always do, don't you"? He said "never". That was the end of us!! I mean, WTAFF?!

I think there are a lot of men like this, and yes they hide it well when you first start dating them. I’m not sure how you change them, it’s disgusting. They just don’t give a shit about it. (Been married to one of them, now divorced thank god). It’s not always a mental health issue or some underlying reason, mostly it’s because it’s just not high on their list of priorities and they don’t care.

I agree it’s usually just pure laziness. They just can’t be bothered and don’t think it’s important. Telling them doesn’t help either.

Friends husband has been going through this, he was diagnosed with depression, things improved but then he decided he didn't want the anti depressants anymore. He is back to non showering for up to 10 days. My friend does not know what to do next after talking to him many times. OP this may all be to do with the lockdown stress, low level depression and just trying to get by day to day. He obviously does not feel that washing and changing are a priority. Another chat may be in order to have a look at his mental health.

Is this a new problem? How often would he shower without nagging? Mental health could be the reason, my dd has to be nagged but she has asd, really bad at the moment.

I have some perspective though, I wasn't brought up to bath or shower daily - couple of times a week was normal, and whilst we had a new shirt each day other clothes were reworn all week. My exh too had this upbringing too, never had a shower until university, whereas dp was brought up showering daily and thinks it's odd when I told him baths were weekly growing up (but we had very little heating, just expensive bar fire and an expensive immersion heater as opposed to his privileged situation!) We certainly didn't smell!

[quote Eastie77]@pradamarda what do your DP's teeth look like? I'm struggling to understand how someone can brush their teeth 5 times a year. [/quote]
@Eastie77 Me too . I find it genuinely shocking. The stench of body odour or bad breath/rotting teeth would be too much for almost all normal people to be close friends, let alone an intimate partner, no matter how much you liked them!!

It always seems to be men who get away with all these kind of foul things because they manage to find some women out there happy to facilitate it by having such low standards for staying in a relationship. Very sad.

@movingonup20

Is this a new problem? How often would he shower without nagging? Mental health could be the reason, my dd has to be nagged but she has asd, really bad at the moment.

I have some perspective though, I wasn't brought up to bath or shower daily - couple of times a week was normal, and whilst we had a new shirt each day other clothes were reworn all week. My exh too had this upbringing too, never had a shower until university, whereas dp was brought up showering daily and thinks it's odd when I told him baths were weekly growing up (but we had very little heating, just expensive bar fire and an expensive immersion heater as opposed to his privileged situation!) We certainly didn't smell!

@movingonup20 no one goes around telling other people that they smell, so out of politeness people wouldn't tell you. I've encounter people every so often with horrific body odour who are obviously oblivious to it. If you're used to that level of hygiene then you wouldn't be able to smell yourself the way that other people do. It's the same with smokers. Their house and clothes smell normal or near normal to them, but for anyone who's not a smoker or around smokers it absolutely reeks.

No one can help the way they were brought up but I simply don't understand why people would carry those sorts of habits into adulthood when you're then independent?? It's common sense that sweat and body odour builds up in adults so why not just shower daily and feel clean

I have a relative too with hygiene issues. He lives alone and heaven knows when the sheets get changed
Sinks, loos, kitchen floor, fridge 🙄
He's a grown man with no disabilities so no way am I doing it for him.

Nurture/nature?

I have a teenage son who I believe has autistic traits. Probably not to a diagnosable level, he’d mostly pass for neurotypical, but he doesn’t brush his teeth and has to be persuaded to wash and even dress at times. BTW I recognise not all people with ADD are the same, and it’s also a spectrum kind of thing.

But personally I could not stand the stinky body / breath stuff in a partner.