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Relationships

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Original poster

Can sex ever be a compromise?

36 replies

Iamaperson21 · 22/01/2021 20:15

Should you be willing to do it once in a while to make the other person happy even if you don't want to because relationships are a compromise? Is the one saying no holding the power over the other person and either giving or taking away their happiness?

OP posts:

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 22/01/2021 20:19

If the person who doesn't want sex makes a decision to do it for their partner without any coercion whatsoever ever then I think that's fine.

Isadora2007 · 22/01/2021 20:19

Don’t want to? No. But “meh- can’t really be bothered...” then yes in a good relationship I’d say that’s a fair enough compromise. I’d always get in the mood anyway once things got going and being responsive to my husbands wants or needs and him to mine is what helps make our relationship so good. I know if I really felt like sex and indicated that and he turned me down I’d be really a bit hurt.
We’ve not ever turned the other down.

rowmaccerd · 22/01/2021 20:20

When is once in a while?

One every three days or once every three years?

I would think the answers will vary depending on what we are talking about.

RuggeryBuggery · 22/01/2021 20:25

I think you can decide to do it for other reasons than you are desiring it, if that makes sense!
So I think you can decide to do it even if you’re not too bothered yourself, because you know it’s important to your partner and you don’t mind it. You might enjoy the closeness that you feel afterwards.

But I don’t think it’s the same if you go along with it because you don’t want the fall out eg. your DP is sulky, and you actually don’t enjoy it at all.

I’ve been in both positions I think, at different times and being in the second situation is really soul destroying and chips away at your mental health.

I think the first scenario is ok but generally the other person will enjoy it more if their partner is really genuinely into it not just doing it to please them.

YouShouldLeave · 22/01/2021 20:26

One saying ”no” isin’t holding any kind of power.

No one is entitled to sex.

No one owes anyone sex.

Puddinger · 22/01/2021 20:26

I think people should only have sex when they want to, no exceptions.

Original poster

Iamaperson21 · 22/01/2021 20:26

Well I don't want to at all, I've been going along with it for a bit to keep him happy but I've got to the point where it makes me feel uncomfortable. He says I need to compromise and at least try, I might like it. I don't have an issue with trying if I wanted to but I don't so I'm not sure how to get around that situation.

Basically if I don't give him what he wants he will leave and never see the kids.

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 22/01/2021 20:29

Why would he never see the kids?
I don’t think anyone should have sex if they don’t want to; for me there’s a difference between not being too fussed but knowing that when you start you’ll enjoy it and not wanting to and not enjoying it at any point. Out of interest is it sex in general you’re not interested in or sex with him?

Santaiscovidfree · 22/01/2021 20:30

Blow job?
Pack his stuff..
If his dick sucked is more important to his existence than his dc you are well rid op...

Closetbeanmuncher · 22/01/2021 20:31

Can't he fuck off and have a wank like a normal person?

picklemewalnuts · 22/01/2021 20:34

His relationship with his children should be separate from his one with you.

If he's threatening to reject his kids if you don't have sex with him, then that's coercion and it would be rape.

Puddinger · 22/01/2021 20:42

He needs to get better at sex, sounds like. Some men are just really bad at it, don't put in any effort.

Anyway, having to have unwanted sex so he'll be a decent father seems too much. He should be a decent father regardless.

rowmaccerd · 22/01/2021 20:50

@Closetbeanmuncher

Can't he fuck off and have a wank like a normal person?

Thats harsh.

Being part of a loving relationship includes having a sex life.

Having a walk ( male or female) doesn't give the same emotional gratification as sharing a sexual encounter with your partner.

I couldn't stay with someone although didn't desire me. It would be soul destroying

Original poster

Iamaperson21 · 22/01/2021 20:51

So we are going through a difficult patch and he knows this. I've asked him for a trial separation and suggested we share the childcare. He knows I'm thinking about ending the marriage, he thinks my feelings relating to him are lockdown related so I'm seeing a counsellor and asked for the trial so we don't make any drastic decisions. He wants to just pretend everything is normal until a while after lockdown including sex because he can't deal with our issues and the lockdown issues but neither can I. I'm feeling more and more trapped as the days go by and the pressure from him to try and be normal is making it worse.

OP posts:

vincettenoir · 22/01/2021 20:58

I’m sorry. That sounds like a really difficult place to be in. I hope things get better for you in the coming weeks and months.

BubblyBarbara · 22/01/2021 21:16

Being part of a loving relationship includes having a sex life.

Many couples have loving relationships without sex whether through disability, age, disinterest, etc. It’s not a requirement at all.

rowmaccerd · 22/01/2021 21:19

@BubblyBarbara

Being part of a loving relationship includes having a sex life.

Many couples have loving relationships without sex whether through disability, age, disinterest, etc. It’s not a requirement at all.

Fair enough. Disability and illness or age are exceptions.

I think 99% of people couldn't deal with lack of interest from the other person.

SparklingLime · 22/01/2021 21:21

He’s coercing sex from you, using his children as a bargaining tool. That’s hideous. And with someone like that, I don’t think submitting to his demands will even work. Hope you can get out safely and soon, @Iamaperson21.

MrsWooster · 22/01/2021 21:22

‘Fuck me or I will psychologically damage our kids’ sounds a lot like coercion to me.

Doyoumind · 22/01/2021 21:23

If you've said you want to separate or at least have a trial separation he's out of order pushing for sex. Don't give in as it will send the wrong message.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 22/01/2021 21:27

That is not a compromise. That's blackmail and coercion. It's even more of a low blow to use the kids to threaten you with. Is that all their worth to him? Where is the love for them?

I compromise sometimes, as in I'm not in the mood ,but I know the sex is always great and I enjoy it once we get there. There's never any pressure and if he starts scratching my back for example and I fall asleep, then he's happy I'm having a rest.

If he threatened and sulked and made demands he'd be out the door, and if he's that callous and feckless and selfish about seeing DD I wouldn't want him in her life anyways.

RantyAnty · 22/01/2021 21:38

What a charmer.

I suspect he's shite in bed.
He needs to be told bluntly why you want to leave him.
That if he wasn't a shite husband and shit in bed, you wouldn't be wanting to leave.

Let him deal with that reality.

BubblyBarbara · 22/01/2021 22:33

Disability and illness or age are exceptions. I think 99% of people couldn't deal with lack of interest from the other person.

62% of adults in the UK are in priority groups 1-9 for the vaccine, meaning they're either over 50 or are vulnerable/ill. I think there are a lot more settled couples not having sex than you might think when only 38% of adults are both young and healthy.

Amotherlife · 22/01/2021 22:48

He sounds abusive. Having sex with him to keep him 'happy' isn't the same as someone making an effort for a loving partner when they're not really in the mood. So, no, don't do it. I think it would be potentially damaging for you (sex when you don't want it is no fun) and won't help your relationship. You'll just resent him all the more.

Seadad · 22/01/2021 22:52

Being over 50 or having a long term condition really doesn't make you sexless @BubblyBarbara.
And sexless relationships are more commonly unhappy than happy.

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