I hate myself but it's undeniable

[Back2the90s]

My relationship has dwindled to nothing. It has been dead for a couple of years. I've stayed for our two boys. I didn't realise until eight months ago how low I was feeling. I was having alot of panic attacks. I developed anxiety for the first time in my life. I couldn't see the joy in anything. I lie on bed every night alone. Whilst the man I'm with is kind to me. He parents equally. He makes me a cup of tea. He helps around the house. He would buy me anything I needed. That's it. The romance and conversations died a long time ago. We attempted to agree to changes but we were never at the same point and it continued to fail.

Into my life walks "Sean"
Instant attraction. We spent all of September bumping into eachother. Then we swapped numbers when we were no longer going to be seeing eachother anymore.

We've been talking non stop since. We haven't met yet as we were enjoying the contact and then lockdown happened.

He told me he knew he loved me after a few weeks of us talking back in the summer. I felt the same. It's like we are soulmates. We are opposites in our attitudes and things. But absolutely match with our opinions, ideas and dreams for the future. We both have not had sex etc for a very long time and his last relationship ended like mine. They are still friendly but never worked out. So there's alot of understanding.

I've sat down three times now with my children's dad. I've told him that I feel we won't be able to get back the sex and things. I said he's like a friend. A housemate. But not a lover. He agreed ever so slightly but mainly said we will get it back in a few years when the kids get older. I shook my head and said we can't survive years like this. It's so unhealthy. I told him I didn't want either of us to waste our lives. Along with many other things.
But he just won't accept it.

All I've wanted is to settle things here. Get down to a friendship level and once we are ok I would like to spend time with new guy and start enjoying being an adult again. I don't mean just sex. I mean conversation. Support. Naturally wanting to sit and spend time together.

I'm not married.
I feel so much frustration around my partner not wanting to absorb what we've said. He won't mention it at all. So therefore I feel I'm playing games by the phone calls and plans for the future with the new guy. I don't like it. I hate not being able to do what I want to do sometimes. Like just meet for a walk. Nothing else. It feels like a sneaky lie.

What would you do? I don't want to hurt anyone.

I still can't work out of OP has ever met him in RL or not tbh. The narrative is all over the place.

You say "I don't want to hurt anyone."
Why?
Is it because you don't want to be the bad guy?
You like to see yourself as a good person?
That you can't cope with the reaction of the person you hurt?
You don't like having people crying in front of you?

Sometimes in life it is unavoidable that you will have to hurt someone. As a measure of morality, goodness and honour, I rate honesty and truthfulness higher than 'not wanting to hurt anyone'.

I personally think that most (if not all affairs) that turn into a relationship often fail. The attraction to an affair is the lust, secrecy and passion, once it turns into an everyday relationship it’s often found to be quite shit. The grass is always greener, and I’m not saying you should leave your current partner but I think doing this and then expecting a fairytale ending with ‘Sean’ is naive.

Also you say this man was telling you he knew he loved you after a few weeks, doesn’t that concern you a bit?

Sounds like you're being vague, and need to actually 'say the words'.

'Look, our relationship is shite and I'm ending it. You're a great Dad, and a half-decent man, but I want to shag this other bloke, so here's some bin bags'.

As soon as you tell him about ‘Sean’ your relationship with your partner will be over, you could sort this out today. Tell him you’re having an emotional affair, that you’re hoping will turn physical as soon as you can arrange it, COVID permitting.......job done.

Hi, I actually have total sympathy for you as I can completely identify with the pain of being in a lonely marriage with no physical intimacy a d the damage it can do to you over the tears. Regardless of whether your (or mine, or anyone elses) husband is a good, kind, loving person or not, just being friends in a marriage isn't enough and something, eventually, has to give. Sometimes, it's meeting someone else who gives you that feeling of being desirable a d attractive again a d wakes you up to yourself again that gives you the strength to realise you can't a d don't want to go on with your partner/husband. I also completely understand about nit wanting to hurt anyone. You've told your partner how you feel, he needs time to catch up but I wouldn't feel too guilty about Sean - if your relationship is dead, emotionally & physically, you have every right to move on. In terms of telling him a out Sean, that's entirely up to you but I'd be careful a out becoming physically involved until your partner really gets to grip with the fact you want your relationship to end. It is probably unlikely that you and Sean will last but, having gone without any form of physical closeness for so long, I say just have some fun, flirt, and get it on with him if that's what feels right for you. It might all blow up in your face but you deserve some bloody fun and passion.

You’re having an emotional affair. It’s not fair on your partner. You either need to break up with him, or stop talking to Sean. Neither option is wrong but you must pick one.

It sounds like you want your partner to be the one who actually calls time on the relationship. That’s not fair. You’re the one who wants out so you have to be the one to end it.

I’m not sure what you’re doing here, if you want to end your relationship do it, and stop fannying around playing the victim.

You can't have your cake and eat it. I think what you seem to be trying to achieve is continue living in your house with your dp as friends and have a relationship with. Sean. I'm afraid it doesn't work like that. You need to leave your dp, it's obviously not working. Sell the house and unpick your relationship with your dp, THEN move on.

Don't kid yourself tho, you're having an emotional affair with Sean and it's wholly unfair in your dp regardless of what kind of relationship it is, there's no justification in the world for doing what you're doing with Sean.
If it was ok, you'd be able to tell your dp

Are you trying to rewrite history? I don't get that you can have a man you fancy and love enough to have children with, who does his fair share and more, after the kids are born, and still he's not good enough? I think you may find, when you look back, that this could be the moment in life you really messed up. You are taking a big risk, new guy is an unknown quantity, he's someone to maybe titillate over, wake up your libido maybe even, but not take seriously. Unless you never felt passion for your current partner, if that's the case, why have a family with him at all? Do you have form for making poor decisions? You need to think beyond your dander, and what has lead to this.

You so are having an affair.

This is a difficult one really. It's a joint home, you have children together, and its currently covid with restrictions. Its not really the best time to leave. Where would you go? Are you taking the children with you? Could you afford a place alone? The house sale may take a while due to covid. Its uprooting the children, which will upset them. Or are you planning to move in with new man and leave the children behind?! You do not really know this other guy at all, it may fizzle out in 3 months. Because you say your partners a nice guy who treats you well, would you consider couples therapy?

Say these exact words to him:
"I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. I have met someone else who I have strong feelings for and I want to be with him. I am leaving my relationship with you right now. I want to discuss how we move forward as parents (and friends too if possible)."

THEN you're being honest.
Anything else, you're being deceitful.

" A vague chat about feeling like friends is a far cry from dumping him." @Hoiking, agreed!

As other posters have said - you need to make it very clear that you have broken up. Not just staying quiet when he counters it.
Please make sure you do the right thing, and not just what's the easy thing at the time. You will be messing him around and wasting his time

Learn about connectives and use them in writing.

@Theonethatgotawayawayaway

I personally think that most (if not all affairs) that turn into a relationship often fail. The attraction to an affair is the lust, secrecy and passion, once it turns into an everyday relationship it’s often found to be quite shit. The grass is always greener, and I’m not saying you should leave your current partner but I think doing this and then expecting a fairytale ending with ‘Sean’ is naive.

See, I’ve seen loads of evidence to the contrary.

It doesn't really sound like you're trying to fix your marriage. Have you really spoken to your partner about what you can both do about the situation? Have you (pre Covid) palmed the kids off and spent a weekend alone together? Have you even tried to rekindle your physical relationship? I know Mumsnet usually advises divorce under most circumstances but you have a responsibility to try to fix your relationship before running off with blokes you see painting people's houses.

Since you asked for opinions OP, I will tell you that I think long partnerships/relationships/marriages that end on their own merit end so much better than those that end because someone wants to be with someone else.

So....let’s say you & your DP do separate and you start seeing Sean. Let’s say things don’t work out longterm with Sean (as so frequently happens), how will you feel? Will you still be glad you ended this sexless long relationship? Will you be glad you have shared custody of your children & have to be in contact indefinitely to negotiate that? Will you regret not doing couples’ counselling or seeing a sex therapist? Will you wish you had fought for the relationship with the father of your children or will you know deep in your soul that being alone is better than being with him?

That’s the question. It might not feel like it now but trust me, Seans come & go. The real question to ask yourself is not would you rather be with Sean but would you rather be alone & co-parenting because there’s more than a 50-50 chance that’ll happen.

And maybe I am too old school here. But if there is somebody who turns my head in my marriage (which has happened a few times), I ask myself whether I will be able to tell my son 'Daddy isn't going to live with Mummy and you any more because he'd rather shag his colleague'. The answer has been no every time so far.

Some of the responses on here are very unfair. People are so caught up with this so called "affair" with "Sean" that they cannot see the bigger picture which is that your so called "nice" DH has himself withdrawn from the relationship and lets face it, is probably getting his rocks off elsewhere himself.

Think long and hard OP. I would stop contact with Sean for a start. You haven't met him so you don't know him; he is just pure escapism but with him there, you are not clear minded.

Then you need to discuss with your DH where you are headed. You say he is lovely and a good person etc? So what excuse has he got for withholding sex and affection? Surely, he himself does not want to stay in a crap marriage? Have to tried counselling? A

If you decide to split up, do so for your own happiness rather than for Sean. Think long and hard before you take such a step. Make sure your finances are in order and get a good solicitor.

I can't remember how old you said your children were if at all? I left my shitty XH when my children were all still primary age but I wouldn't say it didn't have an adverse effect on them and that bothers me to this day. I would always say to women who have DCs and are considering divorce, that if your marriage is ok and perfectly tolerable, just missing excitement and the feeling of being a soulmate, then don't leave.

ffs, where do all my paragraphs go????

You need to actually break up with your current partner - having this vague wishy washy conversation about your relationship is not working.

A clear "I don't want to be in this relationship anymore, we need to work out what to do with the house"

What do you expect your current partner to do if you're not actually having break up chat? Read your mind?

I'm not sure how you reconcile "we have told each other we love each other" with "I'm most certainly not having an affair" tbh.

Cotton on and grow up.

How long have you been married? The 4 years you owned the house solo may well pale into insignificance, you don't get to keep everything.

OP you cannot have your cake and eat it - it’s not fair on your partner. Neither is it fare to have vague chats but not tell him what’s going on. Stop painting yourself as a tragic victim, nothing indicates you are - your relationship has run out of steam is all.

Tell your partner you want to finish up your relationship. If you aren’t married see a solicitor about sorting out money etc. Do it via formal mediation so you talk properly and minimise the chance of stress. Explain to the kids. Sort childcare.

Then crack on with Sean. Or someone else if he doesn’t work out.