I hate myself but it's undeniable

[Back2the90s]

My relationship has dwindled to nothing. It has been dead for a couple of years. I've stayed for our two boys. I didn't realise until eight months ago how low I was feeling. I was having alot of panic attacks. I developed anxiety for the first time in my life. I couldn't see the joy in anything. I lie on bed every night alone. Whilst the man I'm with is kind to me. He parents equally. He makes me a cup of tea. He helps around the house. He would buy me anything I needed. That's it. The romance and conversations died a long time ago. We attempted to agree to changes but we were never at the same point and it continued to fail.

Into my life walks "Sean"
Instant attraction. We spent all of September bumping into eachother. Then we swapped numbers when we were no longer going to be seeing eachother anymore.

We've been talking non stop since. We haven't met yet as we were enjoying the contact and then lockdown happened.

He told me he knew he loved me after a few weeks of us talking back in the summer. I felt the same. It's like we are soulmates. We are opposites in our attitudes and things. But absolutely match with our opinions, ideas and dreams for the future. We both have not had sex etc for a very long time and his last relationship ended like mine. They are still friendly but never worked out. So there's alot of understanding.

I've sat down three times now with my children's dad. I've told him that I feel we won't be able to get back the sex and things. I said he's like a friend. A housemate. But not a lover. He agreed ever so slightly but mainly said we will get it back in a few years when the kids get older. I shook my head and said we can't survive years like this. It's so unhealthy. I told him I didn't want either of us to waste our lives. Along with many other things.
But he just won't accept it.

All I've wanted is to settle things here. Get down to a friendship level and once we are ok I would like to spend time with new guy and start enjoying being an adult again. I don't mean just sex. I mean conversation. Support. Naturally wanting to sit and spend time together.

I'm not married.
I feel so much frustration around my partner not wanting to absorb what we've said. He won't mention it at all. So therefore I feel I'm playing games by the phone calls and plans for the future with the new guy. I don't like it. I hate not being able to do what I want to do sometimes. Like just meet for a walk. Nothing else. It feels like a sneaky lie.

What would you do? I don't want to hurt anyone.

You’re having an affair. You need to end your relationship, not just list issues. You need to officially end it - tell him, your friend and family. Only then are you within your right to do what you’re doing

I don't think you "hate yourself" at all

I think you value yourself very highly as a person that doesn't deserve any consequences of your shitty behaviour.

You are wrong. The person you are placing no value on at all is your husband. He means fuck all to you and he doesn't even know it.

I don't think you can have everything you want, which seems to be an easy exit from any obligation to be faithful to your current partner, while still retaining his friendship and your joint living and parenting arrangements.
Wouldn't it be great if he said 'Yeah fine, we'll carry on as we are but you can see other people'. No guilt no upheaval for anyone, and you lose nothing.
Unfortunately if he thinks things will improve he isn't in the same place as you, and is very very unlikely to behave as you want.
This leaves you with the choice of telling him straight you want to leave him for someone else, and face the fall out, or carry on with 'Sean' in secret so as not to rock the boat at home.
Neither is what you want in a ideal world, but there isn't a pain free solution to this.

I understand your dilemma. But you are wrong and I feel your Current partner would be very very hurt if he knew the real truth.
You should do the right thing here .
You know this . Not telling him doesn't mean it's not happening 🥺

You are having an emotional affair.

It's not unreasonable to be unhappy and want to split but you are gaslighting your partner by keeping Sean secret and kidding yourself that you can be friends when you're cheating. On some level you must not know it's wrong (emotional affair) or you would have been honest about Sean.

Get an evaluation and the house on the market or start making enquirers about raising money to buy out your partner. If you want to move then get an estate agent round. You can move house during the pandemic and this would be a clear signal that you mean it.

He can't be your friend because he is in love with you. Do the decent thing and stop fannying around gutlessly and just tell him that you don't love him anymore and end the relationship. You actually just want him to agree to be your friend to suit your own needs, not his. Be a good human.

You need to be clear, 100% clear, with your current partner that you are ending the relationship, that you need to separate. You may have tried to be clear, but my guess is that he thinks you're just in a rut, going through a phase etc but believes that your relationship is intact and will continue. It feels awful to be cruel to be kind, but you have to OP. End the relationship, put the wheels in motion to separate - and then once you've separated, carry on with Sean.

Why am I bad for being sad and changing my life
You aren't. But at the moment you aren't changing your life.
You need to either block Sean and focus on fixing your marriage (which means coming clean)
Or leave your husband and then pursue things with Sean.
Neither path is easy but what you are doing now isn't fair on anyone, including you because of the stress

I did this years ago with an ex - I was desperately unhappy so started an EA with another guy. Convinced myself he was my soulmate etc. I tried to end it with my then dp but he wouldn’t have it, brushed it off or walked out of the room etc. I didn’t want to come out and tell him I was seeing someone else because I knew I would look bad and was embarrassed he would tell all our friends and family. Well, a few months down the line he found out (found texts) and all hell broke loose. It was a horrible time and I still feel guilty now for cheating on him. I should have just been firm from the outset and told him it was over and not carried on meeting with the other guy in the meantime.

Oh, and the man I thought was my soulmate turned out to be an abusive dickhead - I realise now I just latched onto him because I was so unhappy in my then current relationship. You cannot know you are “meant to be” with someone you have met for walks for a few weeks. Don’t see him again until you have dealt with ending your relationship. If he’s really worth it he’ll stick around but I’d caution against jumping into another relationship, especially with young dc’s. i really wish I’d spent time just learning to be happy by myself for a while.

Just to add, marriages are often really boring and go through stages of housemate/friend stages. There will almost always be a Sean (or his female counterpart) that makes you think the grass will be greener. Often it's not, so I'd make sure you really want to end your marriage, and would if there were no Sean, before doing anything.

Its not difficult.
Tell your husband you are divorcing him and shack up with Sean.

Who will promptly run for the hills.

You're having an emotional affair, you have invested yourself into someone who isn't your partner.

Having conversations with your partner hoping he will mutually agree and lessen the guilt it causes to you by being the instigator isn't fair to him and it's the chickenshit way out.

Take responsibility for your actions.

I expect you haven't got the replies you were expecting, op. Have a good think about that

You don't have the luxury of avoiding hurting anybody. Sorry. You are going to have to accept that your choices will hurt him.

You need to be honest with him about this man. You're leaving out a very important part of the story. He'll be hurt, yes. Angry, upset, or perhaps he'll be relieved, maybe even disclose something similar himself.

You can't avoid facing the discomfort of his reaction. You owe him at the very least the courtesy of the truth.

Wow, you're getting some tough replies on here. I'm sorry you're in such a bad place in your relationship and you're not a bad person for wanting more from life than a flatmate.

The other guy is just a sideline. The real issue is your current relationship isn't working. If you don't see it as fixable, tell your partner you want to break up. Don't harp on about being friends. It's great to be on good terms, especially if you have children, but if you want to break up, break up. If you're on the title deeds, you can ask your partner to leave. There's more advice in the citizen's advice bureau website

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/if-you-were-living-together/what-happens-to-your-home-when-you-separate/

Either you have told him you've met someone else or not. Telling someone you have drifted apart and want to split up so you dont waste each others lives and telling someone you have been having an emotional affair with someone else and have been making plans for when you are together are two very different things. Also no mention of your children and how they will be affected is very telling I am afraid.

OP you either change your life by telling your 'partner' the truth that you've been having an affair and get your shit together to formally seperate, or see above.

There is no choice. You wanna change your life? fine, do it. But don't expect sympathy when you're abusing your partner in this way. No matter how your partner finds out, you are still the 'baddie' in the situation. You're cheating scum, make sure he knows it and get the fuck out of that poor man's life.

(I hate not being able to do what I want to do sometimes) (Why am I bad for being sad and changing my life)
Welcome to the world that we all live in. You can't just have what you want when you want it.
Your feeling bad because you know your committing a form of betrayal. Yes by all means change your life but be honest, put 'Sean' on the fence until you get your shit sorted. Or cut to the chase stop emotionally betraying your partner and tell him your in love with another man. That will certainly add the shove & push to bring your relationship to an end.
If a partner said that to me it would be bags packed and out the door, either hers or mine!

You posted about this the other day.

You are lying to yourself and your partner by saying you are not having an affair. Stop it! It doesn't matter if you haven't slept in the same bed for 2 years, the fact is you are still together and you are getting your emotional needs met elsewhere, whilst lying and tricking your partner.

Your relationship is obviously over for you, but he still thinks he's in as you haven't left him or made any move to do so.

Get some respect for yourself and your partner and end things properly. You're behaving appallingly, and your partner deserves better treatment.

You've had some really harsh responses OP. You know what you're doing is wrong but I don't think there's any need for people to drum that into you, when you're clearly feeling low and overwhelmed. Unfortunately, the only option is to tell your partner that you need to separate. If he's still not willing to accept that, I would tell him you've met someone else. Yes it will hurt him but no more than him finding out eventually. You could step back from Sean and try and work on things with your partner but by the sounds of it you've tried that many times and actually don't want to any more. Good luck, and please don't give yourself too hard a time. This is me speaking after my ex actually cheated on me and left me for OW. He did me massive favour .

What on earth is going on with this OP?? Sounds like a wind up post.

They often are

You’ve written quite a few threads about this.

You were looking to cheat back in September when you wrote about playing with fire. Sean must be the man who was painting your friend’s house whom you developed a crush on. You so wanted him to approach you to exchange numbers but he never did. I believe you later found and contacted him on FB. You are saying that he loved you after a few weeks of chat at your friend’s??

In September you described your Partner as having ‘a heart of gold.’ I told you then that he deserved your utmost respect but you were trying to serve him a shit sandwich. If this is real, you succeeded. You are now cheating on this devoted man and wonderful father.

Please be honest with him and end your relationship.

.

Jesus guys, she doesn’t ask you if she has an affair or not. She is asking how to sort out the situation! Stop attacking someone who was unhappy for so many years, clearly is not listened by her partner and have balls to change her life! I’d you’re sure that’s the one then fo for it! Nothing worse than miserable, lonely relationship! Good luck!

She'd have more success in changing her life if she had the balls to tell her partner she wants to be with someone else, and actually broke up with him instead of skirting round it.