I feel so upset at not knowing how to parent my daughter

[Sallytheseal]

My DD is 8. She’s an amazing little girl - funny, kind, cheeky. I try so so hard to be a good parent to her. For background, my childhood was extremely abusive, lots of physical, verbal and mental abuse from my mum and absent dad, and I just feel Like I have absolutely no template for how to be a normal, loving, effective parent. To add to it all, I left my very abusive home at 18 and ended up choosing a similarly abusive partner who I married (DDs dad). I feel like I just don’t know how to interact with or like a normal person.

The issue that brought this all to a head: DD loves craft and I love encouraging her with lots of supplies etc. She’s very messy so to prevent conflict, I’ve made sure every surface downstairs is wipeable and doesn’t stain. I really want her to be comfortable in her home. The only really ‘difficult’ surface is the previous owners carpeted my bedroom in white and I can’t afford to replace it just yet. DD keeps going into my room and rubbing craft supplies into the carpet and it upsets me so much that I don’t know how to stop her? First it was paint. Then glue. Then little blobs of craft clay. Today, I’ve found hot pink wax rubbed into bits of the carpet. I know it isn’t malicious at all, she’s absent minded and a bit messy. But I’m so upset that I don’t know how to behave or model a proper response for her. I have sat her down so many times and really calmly explained that it makes me feel sad when she does it. She will apologise and then do it again. I just don’t know if this is just normal 8 year old behaviour?

If I had done the same at her age I would have been beaten mercilessly so I don’t know how I’m supposed to make her stop without punishing her? I think it makes me feel a bit more helpless as when DH lived here, as well as physical abuse he would often break or ruin things of mine deliberately in front of me to see if I dared to complain. I never did, because that would have resulted in more physical abuse. But it takes me back to that place, which is completely ridiculous. I feel like a useless mother and a weak person. I couldn’t advocate for myself then and I can’t now. I thought I could raise DD right but it appears I’m as weak and ineffective at being a mother as at being a daughter and wife.

So sorry to hear about your childhood, that sounds awful.

There are plenty of options in between beating/abuse, and sitting her down calmly saying it makes you sad.

You are allowed to be cross, and show you are cross. Not screaming and shouting, and of course not hitting, but I would certainly be using a pretty unimpressed tone of voice.

Also some consequences - at 8 she is old enough to be asked to clean up the mess for example. You could also take away craft stuff for a while if this keeps happening. She has to earn it back by showing you she can be careful. This is not punishment, it is a natural consequence of what she keeps doing.

At the end of the day though, being too soft as a parent is a hell of a lot better than being too tough. So please don’t feel you are failing.

PS my 8 year old still does daft things without thinking - it’s normal!!

That sounds incredibly tough

My DD7 will still forget where to do arts and crafts despite us having an area which is pretty clearly there

Yet if she did damage somewhere in the house I was I unhappy with like a PP mentioned talk to her about feeling sad about it and the implications, and arts and crafts would be things to do when I am able to pay attention versus available all of the time

For us washable pens and colouring pencils and paper are within their reach, paint and glitter etc is stored away and they would need to do it with us instead

You can punish her! My mum would have given me hell and she was and is an amazing mother who I know loves me absolutely unconditionally and I would say I grew up in a loving home where I always felt safe and loved. I'm still very close to my parents and have a 2.5 year old daughter who I love parenting. And yet my mum would have gone ape shit at that (we're Mediterranean so probably a scream and a smack on my thigh!!) but you can also have your own system of punishment like the step or something. But I can imagine it must be hard to know where to draw the line and be scared that you're overreacting... If you demonstrate your love for her you can punish from a place of love that teaches her boundaries.

My 8 yr old son is like this
I try to be like you
Where his dad would shout or say slap him
🤬
What about a lock on your door from the outside?
Or just take all that off her until she can be careful
I have a no food or drink rule upstairs for this reason maybe keep crafts to the kitchen table only

I can see that it's a complex issue for you but sometimes there has to be, if not a punishment, then a consequence to ones actions. That doesnt mean you have to get cross, or shout, or send her to her room but clearly a calm chat and guilt trip isnt doing it.

So, in your situation I would try:

• getting her to clean up the mess she's made (you will have to oversee).
• a new rule that craft stuff can only be used downstairs (or some craft stuff if you are happy for her to keep things like colouring pens in her room).

If she disobeys you, then you'll need to up the ante a little "because you didnt follow the rules no wax/playdough/whatever for 1 week.

She's also gettingbtonan age where she can reasonably be expected to take on a little responsibility around the house, so give her some. Not as a punishment but as a recognition that she is growing up and as an illustration that everyone needs to chip in to keep things nice (and that keeping it nice takes effort).

Sounds like you are doing an amazing job. At 8 she will push boundaries but it's still your job to set them. Don't feel bad about that!

I know what you mean about not having the template, I didn't have one from my mum either. Just frame everything in a positive light with no negatives, if possible. As in "We only do crafts in (whatever area of house you've decided is ok). Before we can do any more crafting, we need to clean up (pink stains etc). When that's done we'll do xyz thing".

She might refuse to help, have a tantrum, scream, cry, demand new things or ignore you but you just need to be firm and repeat similar words. It might take a while, depending how stubborn she is.

Do you have any rules for your daughter? In this instance, I'd set a few such as "no craft supplies to be taken upstairs" or "you can only use craft supplies at the kitchen table" etc. I understand what you mean when you say that you want your DD to be comfortable in her home, and it's brilliant that you support her interests but she also needs to learn that she shares her home with you, and that her behaviour impacts you. She also needs to learn that you are in charge! Sensible rules and boundaries help children to feel safe and secure, IMHO.

I totally agree with minipie that you are also allowed to show that you're cross with her when she breaks the rules, and to put consequences in place.

If you've not already read it, I'd really recommend How to Talk so Kids Will Listen. It's all about how to effectively communicate with your kids and also how to manage their behaviour using natural consequences rather than punishments.

Thank you so much! I considered taking her craft stuff away fir a while but it’s so exhausting not being able to take a simple parenting decision without being scared that I’m slipping into being abusive. I guess I’m really scared that she will have a miserable childhood.

If it's just that she forgets, how about a notice on the bedroom door (you could even get her to make it?) which says, "No crafts here!" or "No messy things here!" or something, just to help her remember?

@AbiBrown

You can punish her! My mum would have given me hell and she was and is an amazing mother who I know loves me absolutely unconditionally and I would say I grew up in a loving home where I always felt safe and loved. I'm still very close to my parents and have a 2.5 year old daughter who I love parenting. And yet my mum would have gone ape shit at that (we're Mediterranean so probably a scream and a smack on my thigh!!) but you can also have your own system of punishment like the step or something. But I can imagine it must be hard to know where to draw the line and be scared that you're overreacting... If you demonstrate your love for her you can punish from a place of love that teaches her boundaries.

Thank you, it’s so reassuring to hear that. You’ve really understood the problem, I can never trust if I’m over or under reacting.

It's a natural consequence, not a disproportionate punishment - she has shown she can't be trusted not to take the supplies upstairs so for one week she is only allowed colouring pencils. And absolutely she needs to help clear it up. Both are a direct result of her actions and she's 8, not 2, she can understand that.

I think the easiest way to approach this is to acknowledge that rules and boundaries are not abusive in the slightest.

Also she's 8, not 3. My dds (8/11) love craft and we have loads but craft is done on the kitchen table on a craft mat. It doesn't go upstairs or even in the living room! This in no way inhibits their enjoyment and learning from craft experiences.

I think you need to change the rules and stick to it and it will be fine. She will be fine.

Good luck x

I am so sorry about your past. No child should have to experience that.

I agree with previous posters OP. You are allowed to get a bit cross at her and tell her off firmly. Every parent has times where their child does something that makes them angry. Personally, I think the thing that differentiates you from being abusive in that situation is that showing you are "cross" is temporary and not held against the child later down the line. Carry on explaining why it has upset you. You can then follow this with a big hug and moving on to a different and positive activity. It is okay to be firm (but fairly) sometimes, your lovely daughter won't hold it against you, I promise!

The way you write about your daughter here shows me already that you're definitely not capable of being abusive to her-there is too much love and respect in your words. So, fair discipline from a loving parent in a loving household, will not leave your daughter with any bad memories.

Bless you, you sound like an amazing mother.

I don't have any advice to add, but there are some good suggestions here. Definitely keeping it out of your room will be the easiest both to enforce (easy to spot if she's there and remind her she has to do it elsewhere) and to solve the carpet problem.

You sound like a wonderful loving mum. Good for you for creating a different environment with no history of good parenting in your own experience.

I think the best thing to do is work out what you want the result to be. Think about that more than the punishment.

You are allowed to be upset and cross. It is vital that children learn their actions have consequences and that they affect other people. you can do this without scaring your child.

Take her to your bedroom one day and show her the floor. Calmly, firmly say: See this? We are not supposed to do craft on carpets. It makes a big mess and it's a lot of work to clean. We are going to clean it and then we are always going to do craft on tables after this. Never on carpets because they are just Too Hard To Clean.

Give her a hot soapy sponge to rub at the paint. If it won;t come off, say, "See? Carpets just can;t get clean when we do craft on them. So never do that again.'

People will come on here and say that is too soft, but if she didn't know she was doing wrong, why punish? Why not explain and agree?

I tried never to lose my temper but always to make DC deal with their own mistakes. so they had to clean things up, tidy mess etc, even if it took them ages. If they hated it I sympathised and agreed: 'Yes, that's why we don't empty Lego all the way down the stairs because it's boring to pick up and hurts when we tread on it.'

It's actually an incredibly empowering strategy to be really sympathetic but no budge an inch on them taking responsibility for their own actions.

At 8 and doing it multiple times she's not "forgetting" she's actively choosing to do something she's been told not to do.

I would take away the craft materials for a period of time until she shows she can listen and follow your instructions.

In order to have a happy life (not just childhood) your dd needs boundaries and to understand that actions have consequences and that she is responsible for her actions. In order to achieve this not every second of her childhood will be happy - sometimes she'll make mistakes, you'll be annoyed, she'll think you are being unfair, she'll have to spend time or (later on) money fixing something that got lost/broken/damaged. But she'll know that you love her so it will be ok.

Thank you all so much, i was really upset when I typed the OP and I'm feeling much more clear headed now.

To answer some questions, I do have rules in place - she has a craft table, mat and apron she is supposed to use. I think the difficult part is enforcing the rules as I feel like a terrible parent.

I like the idea of sympathising with her to demonstrate why the rules exist, so it doesnt seem like its her vs me.

@dancemom

At 8 and doing it multiple times she's not "forgetting" she's actively choosing to do something she's been told not to do.

I would take away the craft materials for a period of time until she shows she can listen and follow your instructions.

Yes, i know she is choosing and I expect its because I'm not able to enforce the rules effectively, but its still my fault rather than hers because I feel like if she had a well adjusted mother with a normal childhood this issue wouldnt come up.

I could write your post myself, right down to the carpet stains.

I am soft on my children because my own childhood was horrible and it’s caused the pendulum to swing the other way with my own parenting. Luckily my kids, now 14 and 11 seem pretty good so far and haven’t taken the piss out of me too much.
My husband is also really soft so I do worry we could struggle in setting boundaries in the later teen years.

A lot of it for me is terrible guilt that we have estrangements and LC with my side of the family. I would give anything for my DC to have lots of loving people around them, but they do not and so I overcompensate.

No advice as such but you are not alone!

Enforcing the rules isn't being a terrible parent, it is putting boundaries in place.

@FreshEggs I'm sorry you had a difficult childhood. Thank you so much for sharing, its the sort of topic thats really hard to discuss irl and sometimes I feel so alone. I'm so impressed you've managed to raise two good kids, its a massive achievement after childhoods like ours and you and your husband should be really proud.

I completely empathise on feeling guilt. DD's father is abusive and I feel so guilty for inflicting him (and to an extent myself) on her. SHockingly, I never really realised how awful / strange my childhood was until I had her and felt such overwhelming love for her. I remember thinking my mothers beatings as early as 3 and felt she was completely justified. Then DD turned 3 and I thought, I'd never ever do that to her. To a small extent, every year I wonder if this year I will start hating her as my mother evidently hated me. It feels like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Can you talk to her, try to establish a set of house rules. Ask her what she thinks is a fair punishment when she does x y or z?

Have somewhere you are aiming to get to with the discussion. For example -

If she takes crafts upstairs, then she gets them taken away for 24 hours.

Then follow through!

I always find it is useful to set out expectations and consequences before time, and not in the heat of the moment. It enables you to feel calmer and more sure of your decisions.

I think you are doing really well to ensure that how you were parented is not being repeated, but that doesn't mean you have to be too permissive.

I think she is testing your boundaries. At 8 she knows perfectly well not to get stuff on your bedroom carpet. Be a little firmer, that will not equal being abusive, please don't worry. You can express annoyance and displeasure to your children, it will not harm them. They need to learn that selfish or naughty behaviour has a bad effect on the people around them, it's an important lesson in being empathetic and seeing adults as human.