I feel so upset at not knowing how to parent my daughter

[Sallytheseal]

My DD is 8. She’s an amazing little girl - funny, kind, cheeky. I try so so hard to be a good parent to her. For background, my childhood was extremely abusive, lots of physical, verbal and mental abuse from my mum and absent dad, and I just feel Like I have absolutely no template for how to be a normal, loving, effective parent. To add to it all, I left my very abusive home at 18 and ended up choosing a similarly abusive partner who I married (DDs dad). I feel like I just don’t know how to interact with or like a normal person.

The issue that brought this all to a head: DD loves craft and I love encouraging her with lots of supplies etc. She’s very messy so to prevent conflict, I’ve made sure every surface downstairs is wipeable and doesn’t stain. I really want her to be comfortable in her home. The only really ‘difficult’ surface is the previous owners carpeted my bedroom in white and I can’t afford to replace it just yet. DD keeps going into my room and rubbing craft supplies into the carpet and it upsets me so much that I don’t know how to stop her? First it was paint. Then glue. Then little blobs of craft clay. Today, I’ve found hot pink wax rubbed into bits of the carpet. I know it isn’t malicious at all, she’s absent minded and a bit messy. But I’m so upset that I don’t know how to behave or model a proper response for her. I have sat her down so many times and really calmly explained that it makes me feel sad when she does it. She will apologise and then do it again. I just don’t know if this is just normal 8 year old behaviour?

If I had done the same at her age I would have been beaten mercilessly so I don’t know how I’m supposed to make her stop without punishing her? I think it makes me feel a bit more helpless as when DH lived here, as well as physical abuse he would often break or ruin things of mine deliberately in front of me to see if I dared to complain. I never did, because that would have resulted in more physical abuse. But it takes me back to that place, which is completely ridiculous. I feel like a useless mother and a weak person. I couldn’t advocate for myself then and I can’t now. I thought I could raise DD right but it appears I’m as weak and ineffective at being a mother as at being a daughter and wife.

I feel your pain . I came from a dysfunctional family too . Dad was never around and mum had been beaten and sexually abused as a child so she struggled really badly with depression and anxiety. I was running the house when I was a kid . I took all the responsibilities as in shopping, bills , cleaning and counselling my mom . It was a very tough upbringing my mom could lose her temper very easily and I was at times absolutely terrified of her . She was very protective of me though and very loving most of the time . I now have 5 children of my own and although I have given them everything I never had and given them stability I've taught them morals and loyalty they truly are wonderful humans . My eldest is 19 youngest is 4 . But I struggled and still do and feel sometimes I fall short as a mom when I compare myself to other moms . I sometimes find the responsibility overwhelming but they always have and always will come first . You sound wonderful, you sound clued in and aware and loving . That's all she needs . Your able to teach her loving boundaries maybe take her supplies for 2 days and tell her you will keep taking them until she learns to respect your space . It's yours and it's off limits. Your allowed that . Thanks for this thread it made me think and in a way get a lot of my chest . Keep your chin up your doing such a good job . Our pasts do not define us and who we are today ❤️

Ok firstly, you sound like you're doing a great job
It's perfectly normal for 8 year olds to be the way you describe. My 8yo DS is, well quite frankly, a bit of a dick for it. Literally the messiest, clumsiest, filthiest little human. But I love him for it. If it's something small I tend to not even bother saying anything but if he's made a particular mess his 'punishment' is that he has to clean it up.
Yes sometimes I'll have a rant but it falls on deaf ears or I'll get an eye roll 🙄
Point is, as others have said, it's fine to let her know it's not ok to leave a mess everywhere and for there to be consequences. Screaming/ shouting/ violence shouldn't be the consequence, but being made to clean up after herself is a good way to handle it.
Saying that, I've been doing that with my 8yo for a while now and he's still a messy little shit so don't expect miracles!

@Windinmyhair

Can you talk to her, try to establish a set of house rules. Ask her what she thinks is a fair punishment when she does x y or z?

Have somewhere you are aiming to get to with the discussion. For example -

If she takes crafts upstairs, then she gets them taken away for 24 hours.

Then follow through!

I always find it is useful to set out expectations and consequences before time, and not in the heat of the moment. It enables you to feel calmer and more sure of your decisions.

I think you are doing really well to ensure that how you were parented is not being repeated, but that doesn't mean you have to be too permissive.

Thanks, thats a really good idea, I'll agree a consequence with her now.

@sickofit39

I feel your pain . I came from a dysfunctional family too . Dad was never around and mum had been beaten and sexually abused as a child so she struggled really badly with depression and anxiety. I was running the house when I was a kid . I took all the responsibilities as in shopping, bills , cleaning and counselling my mom . It was a very tough upbringing my mom could lose her temper very easily and I was at times absolutely terrified of her . She was very protective of me though and very loving most of the time . I now have 5 children of my own and although I have given them everything I never had and given them stability I've taught them morals and loyalty they truly are wonderful humans . My eldest is 19 youngest is 4 . But I struggled and still do and feel sometimes I fall short as a mom when I compare myself to other moms . I sometimes find the responsibility overwhelming but they always have and always will come first . You sound wonderful, you sound clued in and aware and loving . That's all she needs . Your able to teach her loving boundaries maybe take her supplies for 2 days and tell her you will keep taking them until she learns to respect your space . It's yours and it's off limits. Your allowed that . Thanks for this thread it made me think and in a way get a lot of my chest . Keep your chin up your doing such a good job . Our pasts do not define us and who we are today ❤️

Thank you for the message, @sickofit39 . I had similar experiences - I know my mum was abusive because of abuse in her own childhood and thats part of why I am so scared of continuing the cycle. You should be so proud of giving your lovely children a safe and stable upbringing, it isnt easy, and it sounds like you've done a great job. I really appreciate you sharing your story.

If you don't get her to respect your wishes now, you could have a really hard time with her during her teens as she will know that she can do what she wants and there are no consequences as you just roll over. I have been in your shoes and thought I was doing the right thing by not being a shouty mum and over compensating with being understanding to my children's wants and feelings and it resulted in 2 teenagers who didn't have any proper boundaries. They both got into trouble with the police and one was expelled from school and I just wish I had been firmer as it might have prevented them behaving that way. Both have grown up now and our adults but we went through a very rough few years where I was constantly worrying about them and blaming myself which was not productive either. I have done some cbt to try to changing my way of thinking about things and to be less harsh to myself, maybe this is something you could look into. You do sound like a very loving mum but need to trust that you can set boundaries and stick to them.

Thanks for sharing @Dontknowwhyidoit that must have been very difficult and must not be easy to talk about either. This is definitely part of my dilema - I feel after my mum and ex, I am so conditioned to just back down and let others walk all over me, it would be good practice to asset myself lovingly to DD.