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Original poster

Drunk sex or not

63 replies

Tornintwo1 · 22/01/2021 01:11

Hi ,
Really hard to write this but I need some advice cause in my mind I'm quite confused . Ok say someone got really drunk to point passed out like on floor ( was a one off celebration ) and can't remember nothing after a certain point till next morning/afternoon . Had to be reminded next day what went on .
But one thing popped up in ur head couple days later and that was there OH wiping them down there . So u ask OH did we have Sex ? Yes they reply u was up for it .
But u literally don't remember nothing apart from just that bit where u on on floor naked with them cleaning up .
What would u say this was ? They just can't remember or partner knew was so far gone but carried on anyway .

OP posts:
Original poster
Tornintwo1 · 22/01/2021 07:27

Yes I'm still will him cause I don't know i could of been happy with it I just cant remember. My gut tells me , I wasn't up for it though as I was really out of it but my mind is just blank . Generally yes we get on well been together a long time and everyone says how good he is compared to there boyfriends . The only thing is he nearly cheated & lied in past so i dont 100% trust him . To be honest I don't know why my post was for maybe I just needed clarification in my mind what others thought as there no1 in rl I can tell.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/01/2021 08:08

You were visibly and clearly drunk, to the point you weren't making sense. You were too drunk to consent. Even if I was spouting shit about sex in that stage my OH would put me to bed, make me take some paracetamol and a big glass of water and tell me to go to sleep. That's what a decent man does, not take the opportunity to shag someone despite being sober themselves. He wiped you with a towel, so you weren't engaged in cleaning yourself up after - suggesting he did it to you rather than with you. Your gut says it was wrong. He's cheated before. This doesn't sound like a viable relationship long term. Sorry this happened to you Thanks

Flowerydenimdress · 22/01/2021 08:17

This is rape. I had similar happen years ago with a long term boyfriend and like you, I went over and over it in my head. We were young, so I made far too many excuses for him and stayed. But one night I came home I had only a few drinks, but I decided to pretend to be completely out of it again. He was awful, fully tried to take advantage and I realised it was a turn on for him. I sobered up and said no, he did stop and I ended the relationship because I knew. I'm not suggesting at all that you do this, my point is I couldn't get past it and I don't think you will be able to either. I started to question my trust in him after that for a number of things.

Original poster
Tornintwo1 · 22/01/2021 08:38

How do u deal with something like that tho? Its like my mind refuses to accept it . We been together years, we engaged , I put everything into this relationship.

OP posts:
Hailtomyteeth · 22/01/2021 08:38

That's rape because you were drunk to the point of being incapable of giving consent.

If there was such a thing as a decent man, and he found you in that condition, he would refuse to have sex until you were sober. He would take that decision for your benefit, out of concern for you.

Your OH arrived, found you incapable, and fucked you. He did what he wanted to do, to your body.

It will happen again. You will gradually lose your sense of humanity. You'll believe you are a 'thing' he can use as he likes.

What can you do to prevent that?

Hailtomyteeth · 22/01/2021 08:39

Sunk costs fallacy. No matter what you put into the relationship, you win if you get out of it without being abused again.

Shutupyoutart · 22/01/2021 08:40

Op im sorry but this is sounding like rape, if you were not making sense then you clearly werent able to give consent from your description you were clearly unconscious/out of it for part of it at least (when he was wiping you) unconscious women cant consent, the lines can get very blurred with consent when alcohol is involved so i can understand why you are so confused esp given you cant remember anything but the fact that you were that drunk and him sober he should know you well enough to know that you werent of sound mind, he took advantage at best and rape at worst, im so sorry this has happened but im a strong beliver in trusting your gut and yours is screaming at you for a reason. I think you should seek some advice from a counsellor to help you come to terms with what happened or at least talk to a trusted family member or friend. You have nothing to be ashamed off op. He does. Xx

movingonup20 · 22/01/2021 08:43

It's possible to be pretty drunk and wanting sex, it's could be you who instigated quite possibly. Is it possible that he took advantage of the situation yes, but also possible it was you not wanting to take no for an answer and he resisted at first knowing you were drunk. Personally I have never been in a situation where I didn't know what I wanted at the time though have forgotten in the morning.

Alexandernevermind · 22/01/2021 08:51

@movingonup20
I don't agree, if @Tornintwo1 was too drunk to know what was going on or clean herself up, then she was passed out drunk. She couldn't possibly have instigated sex. I've never been that drunk that I didn't know what I wanted either, but I absolutely know it is possible.

BibbityBobbety · 22/01/2021 08:52

This is tricky because I would say it was rape, as you can't have been coherent enough to consent. But I have had occasions where I was very drunk, partner was sober and I insisted we have sex, not taking no for an answer - the difference is I do then remember it all the next day. The fact you don't makes me think you must have been near blackout rather than just drunk and horny. So you couldn't have been that coherent to ask for sex?

It would make me uncomfortable to be feeling like this and the fact you have had trust issues previously, makes me think he's not a good guy. Have there been any other instances where he's shown dodgy behaviour, or been pushy/forceful?

Original poster
Tornintwo1 · 22/01/2021 08:53

@movingonup20

It's possible to be pretty drunk and wanting sex, it's could be you who instigated quite possibly. Is it possible that he took advantage of the situation yes, but also possible it was you not wanting to take no for an answer and he resisted at first knowing you were drunk. Personally I have never been in a situation where I didn't know what I wanted at the time though have forgotten in the morning.
This is why its confusing and I havent just ended it but I was just drunk I had to be carried home I was passed out literally . He also showed me photos where I'm passed out in bathroom and later on sofa so how did I go from that to stripping off saying let's do it . That's part I don't get. But he said I was talking in parts like he asked me if I loved him I said no Blush , don't remember that either. So I could of said something like let's have sex . Its the not knowing what worse.
OP posts:
partyatthepalace · 22/01/2021 08:55

@movingonup20

It's possible to be pretty drunk and wanting sex, it's could be you who instigated quite possibly. Is it possible that he took advantage of the situation yes, but also possible it was you not wanting to take no for an answer and he resisted at first knowing you were drunk. Personally I have never been in a situation where I didn't know what I wanted at the time though have forgotten in the morning.
@movingonup20

The OPs partner already told her that she was so drunk she was making no sense. So we know she wasn’t ‘not taking no for an answer’ because that would involve making sense.

Alexandernevermind · 22/01/2021 08:57

@Tornintwo1 please don't marry this man. Your update about the photos makes it 10 times worse. He is pretty much admitting you didn't consent and that he "helped himself" he just doesn't see anything wrong in that. You should be safe with your partner. Please leave him.

BibbityBobbety · 22/01/2021 09:05

He took photos of you passed out??? So he knows then you weren't in a position to consent.

Ugh, you need to walk away from this man.

TwelvePaws · 22/01/2021 09:06

I had to be carried home I was passed out literally . He also showed me photos where I'm passed out in bathroom and later on sofa so how did I go from that to stripping off saying let's do it . That's part I don't get. But he said I was talking in parts like he asked me if I loved him I said no blush , don't remember that either. So I could of said something like let's have sex . Its the not knowing what worse.

He took photos of you ?

I’m really sorry this happened to you. It sounds like he raped you.

Regardless of him saying you wanted it (and I’m not convinced you would have) a decent person, a caring partner would have got you to the sofa or bed safely and left you to sleep it off. Anything you said was because you were drunk and were not capable of making decisions. They wouldn’t have taken photos and they wouldn’t have had sex with you.

It’s obviously up to you what you do, but you are still thinking about this a year later, so will you ever be able to trust him? Just because you have put years into a relationship. doesn’t mean you have to put many more in. As for your friends saying he’s great, I’m sure if they knew this, their opinion would change.

Personally, I would end the relationship.

LizFlowers · 22/01/2021 09:09

Ditch this man immediately! No decent bloke would behave like that.

Original poster
Tornintwo1 · 22/01/2021 09:14

He said he took the photos ( sure was film too ) to show me what I'd been like next day .

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 22/01/2021 09:20

It sounds like he raped you
You can’t consent when you’re that drunk

Shutupyoutart · 22/01/2021 09:22

Op it doesn't even matter if you were saying lets have sex he KNEW you were out of it, he even took photos to show you how much! The actions of a kind, loving partner should have been to say no your too drunk, and put you to bed. So even if it wasn't full on rape hes taken advantage of you when you were vulnerable.

Original poster
Tornintwo1 · 22/01/2021 09:32

Thank u all for advice . I just need to try decide what to do now .

OP posts:
FellowFlipFlop · 22/01/2021 09:32

He took photos of you to show you were passed out but still expects you to believe that you were pushing him for sex?

Has he done anything to prove or show you that he knows what he did was wrong, validate your feelings and that he would never ever do that again?

Or has he shrugged it off with a "well, you wanted it" and refused to acknowledge the impact HIS actions had on you?

To be clear this is rape and I would end the relationship and I did after a similar event happened to me. You did nothing wrong.

HorseOfPhillipMoss · 22/01/2021 09:32

When DH and I were first together I went out with friends and got very drunk, he came to pick me up (arranged) and took me home. I have very little memory of what happened when we got home but I woke up the next morning with my underwear on from the night before and full on button up pyjamas over the top. I'd stripped to my underwear and tried to instigate sex, he told me that he was more than happy to have sex with me whenever I wanted but I was just too drunk and it didn't feel right, so he helped me into my pyjamas, put me to bed where I promptly started snoring. That's the appropriate response OP. Your 'partner' took pictures and videos of you to highlight how absolutely incapacitated you were, then had sex with you knowing you had no capacity to consent. He knew exactly what he was doing and sees your body as his property. It was rape.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 22/01/2021 09:50

Can't say I've ever had a bloke doing the clean up afterwards - that suggests to me he was trying to make sure you didn't realise later as he knew he was in the wrong.

Lucieintheskye · 22/01/2021 10:10

@LadyOfTheFlowers exactly what I was thinking.

Also that if OP woke up to find that means they weren't conscious at any other point? If OP was too out of it to even do the clean up after, how on earth could they consent?

OP this is definitely rape, whether you think your OH is capable or did it on purpose or not. You don't have to understand every detail of consent and moral boundaries to know that someone who's sober shouldn't have sex with someone drunk.

Could your drink have been spiked? Your description sounds like you were heavily drunk but these bouts of confusion and possibly memory loss could be more serious.

AnitaB888 · 22/01/2021 10:57

OP,
May I suggest you contact Rape Crisis and have a chat with them?

I'm sorry that this happened to you. Flowers

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