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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone felt like this

42 replies

Ibizafun · 21/01/2021 21:56

I feel ridiculous even writing this as people are going through such hardship. Ds met his girlfriend at 16 they were together nearly 4 yrs before he ended it because he wasn’t sure long term as was his first girlfriend. She came on all holidays and we became very close to her. She was absolutely perfect for him and the sweetest, most caring girl. He just met her too young.

A year on and a couple of relationships down the line for him.. but I’m having real problems letting go (of course he has no idea of this). Whenever a photo of her comes up on my phone I cry. Pathetic!!! I thought they were made for each other.

Has anyone else felt like this or am I the only lunatic? She was an exceptional person and a one off and it feels like I’m in mourning. Dd split with her boyfriend and I couldn’t care less.

OP posts:
user1471519931 · 21/01/2021 21:59

Listen honestly they may well end up getting back together but it's far better they both discover themselves/the world a bit more before settling down.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 21/01/2021 22:04

Thanks user for not laughing at me! My rational brain knows you’re right although they won’t get back together.

OP posts:
Sunflower1970 · 22/01/2021 04:15

Maybe you are looking through rose coloured glasses. If they were perfect together they would still be together. They obviously weren’t!!

Nicolastuffedone · 22/01/2021 05:34

Sounds like she was the perfect girlfriend for YOU. She’s the girl you wanted him to have.......but something obviously wasn’t right for him. But they’re still very young, there’s a whole world out there for him to chose from.....!

Aquamarine1029 · 22/01/2021 05:55

Stop being so hard on yourself. You knew her for several years and grew to love her, and formed an attachment. You've experienced a loss and the death of a dream for your son. Allow yourself the time to get past this, which you will.

malificent7 · 22/01/2021 12:14

Bless you...splitting up with a bf/ gf means splitting up from their family.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 22/01/2021 16:03

Thank you all so much. I will read and re-read your replies whenever I waiver!!

OP posts:
Spaghettio · 22/01/2021 16:25

I had a boyfriend from age 17 for 3 1/2 years. I split with him, but he was also like a member of my family. Mates with my brothers and my parents loved him too.

I know they really missed him. I ended up moving away and I know they all saw him at various gatherings. Eventually he also moved away.

20 years later he turned up at my dads funeral and it was lovely to see him. My mum said he was "The one that got away".

I told her that I might have been his one that got away but I'm glad he got away from me! 😆 he was a great "first" boyfriend but definitely not what I wanted for the rest of my life.

That might help explain how your DS is feeling? 😊

Original poster
Ibizafun · 22/01/2021 17:14

Spaghettio how amazing of him to go to your dad’s funeral 20 years later! Wow. I think in my ds’s case he loved her but as I married and divorced my first partner (his dad), I think he was wary.

OP posts:
Teaseller · 22/01/2021 17:26

I think your ds is right to be wary about being with the same person forever when they started going out at 16!

It sounds like you had a lovely relationship and that's wonderful. Its fine to be nostalgic about good times, but as your ds has very much moved on, I would try to look back and smile about what was, rather than cry about what could have been Flowers

Spaghettio · 22/01/2021 17:57

@Ibizafun

Spaghettio how amazing of him to go to your dad’s funeral 20 years later! Wow. I think in my ds’s case he loved her but as I married and divorced my first partner (his dad), I think he was wary.
My parents never divorced so it might not be that. He could be aware of changes in his relationship or just within himself. I think it shows great maturity to not just stick with the status quo.

Good luck

DinosaurDiana · 22/01/2021 18:01

I knew my DS first girlfriend was a psycho. Unfortunately it took him 3 years to work it out 🤣

MsTSwift · 22/01/2021 18:31

My dad had this. He has no sons and him and my sisters first serious boyfriend really got on. When she dumped him dad went for a walk on his own at night in December! When he got back he announced he was never getting close to a boyfriend of any of ours again!

FazeleysRoyale · 22/01/2021 18:49

Please please give his next girlfriend a chance.

When I met my now DH, my future MIL was best friends with DH's ex-girlfriend and she had been a big part of the family. In those early days of getting to know both DH and his parents it was a bit strange at times, when she kept talking about DH's ex. Honestly, I didn't like it at all. The second time I met her she told me how surprised ("gobsmacked") and upset she and FIL were when DH and his ex split up. Awkward. I think in her head she had married them off !

Don't be that future MIL. By all means stay friends with the girl and keep her in your life but maybe in secret !

bibbidybobbidyboo · 22/01/2021 20:02

@MsTSwift oh that story about your dad really tugged at my heart!

OP, I don't think you're crazy at all. I met my ex boyfriend aged 19 and dated him for 6 years, and my relationship with his family and mum was a lot like the one you're describing. He broke up with me quite out of the blue and his mum continued to message me quite a lot afterwards - I got the impression it was nearly as hard on her as it was me! When a long term relationship breaks up it means losing a whole cast of people from your life beyond that one person. It's normal to grieve that loss. Flowers

Original poster
Ibizafun · 22/01/2021 23:41

Thank you Teaseller, I’m trying. FazeleysRoyal I would never be that MIL and wouldn’t try to stay friends with her.. just want her to be happy.

Thanks bibbidy, I can imagine it must have been hard on her.. which probably didn’t make it easier for you!

OP posts:
SuperHighway · 22/01/2021 23:55

Aah OP I really sympathise. My DD split with her boyfriend of 6 years last summer. They started going out when they were at school together, aged 16, but we'd known him for a couple of years before then. He was always here, came on holiday with us, mucked in with everything. I love him like a son. They're still in regular contact even though DD is now dating someone else, and recently he told DD he thought they'd made a mistake breaking up. She said "I told him even if we get back together eventually, it's been good for us both to have time apart", so I live in hope. Conversely if my older DD were to split from her DH I wouldn't really care.

Theonethatgotawayawayaway · 23/01/2021 00:02

I met my first boyfriend at 15, we were together for nearly 6 years! I got on massively with his family and him mine. I think had we both been older it could’ve worked out properly.

dogmandu · 23/01/2021 00:15

This happened to me with one of my son's girlfriends. She worked in the same company as I so I knew her professionally as well as the girlfriend of my son.
I came to love and value her as a daughter and a friend, and when they broke up I was heartbroken. I lost both a friend and a daughter and I miss her to this day.

NovemberR · 23/01/2021 00:26

It's difficult. DD split with a long term bf who had been part of the family and I felt so sorry for him. He didn't really have much of a family himself and I felt like he'd lost us as well as her. I know he was gutted and I felt we'd cut him off too, but she didn't want us to continue seeing him as she wanted a clean break.

Several years down the line I like her new partner very much but still miss her ex who was like another son to us. I think it's harder when they are quite young.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 24/01/2021 00:17

NovemberR I wonder why it can be harder for us when they’re young. Dogmandu, how many years ago was this? I’m asking as hoping not to feel like this forever! SuperHighway it does sound promising, I would also live in hope!

I think the lesson is not to get too involved and I think I’ve learnt my lesson. We were close to her parents too.

OP posts:
NovemberR · 24/01/2021 00:24

@Ibizafun. I suspect it's motherly instincts when they are young.😊
DD was with her bf for three years and he was 20 and pretty much alone when they split. I felt rotten for him.

If she splits with her current partner who is 31 I suppose I see him as an adult who can look after himself. I also think young people feel things so intensely and you know that they believe their entire world has caved in.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 24/01/2021 00:32

NovemberR I agree about the motherly instincts and similarly to you worrying about him, I worried about this girl as she had been through an awful time.

OP posts:
hilariousnamehere · 24/01/2021 00:39

Aw! I'm still in touch intermittently with both my first boyfriend and his Mum - we were together for 6.5 years from age 15 and I mourned losing his family just as much as losing him when we split. And once I'd got over the initial shock I missed his family more than I missed him 😂 We broke up fifteen or so years ago so you're allowed to keep in touch with her :) just keep it subtle - I didn't want to freak out his new girlfriend and now wife by being best buddies with her MIL, and I didn't want any of them to get the wrong idea because I definitely wouldn't date him now! But I've kept it as a sort of background friendship because it's not his mum's fault we weren't suited.

gutful · 24/01/2021 02:07

Don’t be that mother who makes all future girlfriends/wives feel like they will never measure up & who clearly has a “favourite”. That is hard for any future partner to live up to & it’s not up to you who to decide who is right for your son. Cut the apron strings & support him with whoever he chooses to date. How many stories on here from women who have MIL’s who they know don’t like them because of this exact same reason ?

You don’t even have to say anything, your attitude & opinions will be clear by your vibe. Your son presumably has an inkling of hoe you feel.

Also it is weird that it was his very first girlfriend & you seemingly would have rathered he tether himself down to the first relationship he had for life, rather than getting out there, meeting a variety of people then coming to a more mature, experienced decision. That’s what he wanted, why do you not want to support him in what he wanted out of life for himself ? It seems quite selfish to assume you know better for him than he does.

Especially for a relationship which has a sexual element. Maybe they just didn’t click in the bedroom? Have you ever wondered about that? Maybe she never gave him a BJ and the poor sod didn’t want to die not knowing what that felt like.

I am not saying that IS the case - just that it’s his private live & you really don’t know everything & what is best for your grown up son.

Apron strings - scissors - you know what to do.