Has anyone felt like this

[Ibizafun]

I feel ridiculous even writing this as people are going through such hardship. Ds met his girlfriend at 16 they were together nearly 4 yrs before he ended it because he wasn’t sure long term as was his first girlfriend. She came on all holidays and we became very close to her. She was absolutely perfect for him and the sweetest, most caring girl. He just met her too young.

A year on and a couple of relationships down the line for him.. but I’m having real problems letting go (of course he has no idea of this). Whenever a photo of her comes up on my phone I cry. Pathetic!!! I thought they were made for each other.

Has anyone else felt like this or am I the only lunatic? She was an exceptional person and a one off and it feels like I’m in mourning. Dd split with her boyfriend and I couldn’t care less.

@ibizafun
Dogmandu, how many years ago was this? I’m asking as hoping not to feel like this forever!
probably around 20 years ago. My son has married another girl and I have to say I love her as a daughter as well. I think I mourned (the right word here) H for a long time. I still have a special place in my heart for her. She had at some point given me an ornament as a present which was the only thing I had to remember her by. A family member accidentally knocked it over and broke it one day, and I absolutely lost it with him even though it wasn't his fault. It bought all the old feelings back. I know exactly how you're feeling xx

Frankly, the chances of your DS forming a happy, functional, lifelong relationship at 16 are close to nil, so be glad you didn’t overinvest even more. (And I say that as someone still married to the one I got together with at 19.)

You're not crazy.
My brother met his girlfriend at 15, she was 14. They were together 8 years.
She came on every holiday, was my bridesmaid was just in general a part of the family.
We thought they were made for each other. So did he. She broke up with my brother for various reasons.
We still cry now. We all explained it as it was as if she'd died. We were mourning her. She was like the little sister I never had.
Still love that girl more than anything but eventually not having them around becomes the new norm.

Actually I don’t think this is normal at all. To be sitting crying when ever you see her photo a year later. And saying she was perfect for him and an exceptional being, it’s all so gushing, clingy and ott.

He’s a grown man, he decided the relationship didn’t work for him. And that’s the right decision,

Honestly it’s so unhealthy to be sitting sobbing over her photo. I would honestly be seeking some counselling or help to move on.

I think in my ds’s case he loved her but as I married and divorced my first partner (his dad), I think he was wary.

So basically deep down you're devastated that him not being able to settle with the perfect girl is due to him having been damaged by you divorcing his father. 😔

I think this may be fuelling your distress a bit. But you can't second-guess what's happened. It was your son's decision. My brother too had a perfect girl 16-24 then finished with her as she was too perfect. And honestly hasn't been happier in a relationship since. But what can you do? Nothing.

This girl will always have a special place in your heart. And he will find someone else, and you'll end up hopefully liking her too. That's it. The mother's lot! ☺️

I think it's a fine line really. Obviously your children's partners become like family over time and to lose them rocks the boat, even if it's the right decision for them it doesn't stop you missing the person being around and it takes time to adjust to a new normal.
My first love became one of the family and it was hard on my parents and siblings when we split as we were all so close. It didn't even help when they found out he was cheating on me because they just felt they never knew him properly at all.
Since then I'm careful to keep some distance between my family and my partner, which is a shame but necessary I feel.

Dogmandu I am so pleased your son has married someone you hold dear. I guess we can’t chose how we feel, only try and understand.

Twilled we have a few friends happy who met at 15 but it didn’t work out for me either as I think at that age you obviously don’t know yourself let alone anyone else.

PeachTree that is so understandable after such a long time. I hope you are fond of your brother’s current partner if he has one? Heartbeat I have come to the same conclusion as you.
This thread has helped me to be more accepting of how I feel, even though I so want to move on. Thank you

You’re a lunatic OP! But it’s funny too, and sweet that you liked her that much.

They were smart too, they don’t have enough life experience to know if they are suited for each other 10 years down the track. Hopefully down the track he meets another keeper.

Not quite the same, but my much younger sister and her boyfriend were together from 15 to 23. He was a huge part of our family and like a little brother to me and an uncle to my kids.
When they split (it was definitely the best move for both of them) I asked my sister if it was ok if I stayed in touch with him. Understandably she wasn’t thrilled but I assured her my loyalty was ultimately with her and that I wouldn’t discuss her with him. I still never have except in the vaguest of terms. If she asks me, I tell her how he’s doing, but otherwise I don’t mention him either.
He’s now 45 and we are amazing friends. They’re both happily married to other people and I’m godmother to his kids and her 3 as well. He basically still is my brother and has always been a huge and positive influence on my kids. I loved his parents as well and unfortunately attended both their funerals last year.
It wasn’t easy at the time because the last thing I ever wanted to do was upset my sister but I’m so glad we all negotiated it ok and 30 yrs on its all water under the bridge. I feel lucky to still be his big sister.

I don't think you're crazy at all OP. And I think its perfectly ok to quietly grieve the loss of someone who may have been a loved daughter in law.
Perhaps you identify with her, or perhaps you know your DS and how good she would be for him? I think it's quite touching - as there are plenty of mothers who never really accept their son/daughter in laws - and you clearly aren't one of them.
But there is plenty of water to go under the bridge - and marrying to early without much life experience can bring woes to a marriage later on.
They may rediscover each other - they may not.

But hopefully you will have brought your son up to deserve someone just as right for him and your family and can be there to support him with the right partners and the less right ones to come.
I'd have you as a MIL for sure!

“there are plenty of mothers who never really accept their son/daughter in laws - and you clearly aren't one of them’’

On the contrary @Seadad with the OP’s attitude it is entirely possible she won’t accept a future daughter in law because she is still pining over her son’s high school girlfriend from yonks ago.

@gutful - I hope not - I really don't think you can take that from the OPs post and follow up. She's been very open and generous spirited and I have every faith she will bring that to welcome another of her son's partners.
But also - don't worry if he brings home some mardy wildcat OP - lots of sons might do that on their path to finding 'the one'.

[quote Seadad]@gutful - I hope not - I really don't think you can take that from the OPs post and follow up. She's been very open and generous spirited and I have every faith she will bring that to welcome another of her son's partners.
But also - don't worry if he brings home some mardy wildcat OP - lots of sons might do that on their path to finding 'the one'.[/quote]
Mightn’t it also be possible that a woman the OP considers a ‘mardy wildcat’ might be his perfect match, and that he might actually be slightly relieved his mother is less utterly enthused by her? Some parents after all have very poor judgement about their children’s partners.

Rowan10 that’s an unusual story and so lovely to hear.
Seadad thank you for your lovely and wise words.. I’m struggling as she was so good for him.

Seadad is right Gutful.. I wouldn’t dream of not accepting his choice of future partner- or be so stupid because I love my son.

It's sad, but as you know you have to get over it so that you can welcome his future partners warmly. Just want to say though that (especially if it was amicable) doesn't mean you never have to see her again. I'm guessing as it started at 16 that she's a local girl. She may think fondly of you too.

I'm still warmly welcomed into the parents' houses of my ex-boyfriends from 20 years ago - in some cases my exes and I stayed good friends so I've spent time at their houses, been welcomed for holiday meals, always pop in when back seeing my parents, etc and as a PP also said, I attended a funeral (so sad, still feel tearful now, she was an amazing woman). We still exchange xmas cards, comment on FB posts etc. DH has met them too. In other cases, where it's ended amicably but haven't kept up much of a friendship beyond facebook, I still have a nice chat with the parents if we bump into them.

Sometimes it's not that you miss your child's ex as such.

You may be upset because you know they were good for your son/daughter and were caring, treated them well and would keep them safe etc. You may be worried that their next partner may not do these things.

londonscalling You’ve hit the nail on the head- Ds isn’t an easy person and she was brilliant with him. The kindest, most patient person I have ever met. Sadly they didn’t part amicably and he wouldn’t want me to stay in contact with her.

But yes that’s what’s getting me- I feel she was the one for him they just met too young. AlbaAlba I'm impressed you’ve stayed in contact with so many ex’s families, it’s not easy when new partners come along.