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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Affair

68 replies

cleanfreak25 · 21/01/2021 19:57

We met in a club 18 months ago. I had been really hurt and was very vulnerable at the time and was looking for an escape. He's happy at home in the fact that they are friends rarely have Sex. they sleep in separate beds sit in different rooms. . Live like flat mates but have 2 children not married but get on well. I am divorced with children.
It's mostly via text , face time as live 3 hours apart. Have met up 3 times over the course of it and had sex, amazing sex. I know he isn't leaving his kids or his life for a dream. In reality we don't know how it Would work it probably wouldn't. Nothing good comes of other peoples hurt. I don't want him to leave , I never want her to find out. I have ended it so many times blocked etc the normal, he then even wrote me a letter to get me back. we have a really strong friendship and I always let him back in. I know he's not using me for sex as others might suggest because we hardly have any. But he is definitely using me to fill some sort of gap in his life. The guilt isn't even worth the high so why can't I just let him go before someone finds out and i am responsible for those kids not having their dad there. I'm not waiting around for him I try to date but I have had the worst luck and I guess I fall back on him as he is always their for me. Even though he really isn't. I hate myself for this I am desperate to end it and he is desperate to keep me despite the risks. I have stopped seeing him face to face I told him that won't happen anymore and Is over a year since i have seen him, but I also need to let go of the emotional side. He is like my best friend but I am just being selfish because I am lonely. I hate myself

OP posts:
Sam344 · 31/03/2021 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ravenmum · 31/03/2021 10:20

My exh was texting his OW the whole time - I knew as I was sitting there with him and the kids when his phone beeped. He claimed that it was because of a busy work project, and also a work colleague who was helping him deal with his mother's death by talking about cancer with him. It wasn't. It was always her. (I discovered all this later when he was refusing to move out, still claiming he was innocent, and I read his emails.)

As time went on, he had it set up so that it would vibrate, flash and beep, and would place it on the table so we'd all see it. I believe that's because he got his kicks out of us not being able to prove it wasn't innocent; I think this as I know from his emails that he asked his OW to a party at our home as a work colleague, and told her that he would find it exciting for her to be there without us knowing who she was.

In the end, what made me read his emails was him brazenly texting his OW while sitting on the settee next to our daughter. She read it and reported it to me, and he made out that she was mistaken, had misunderstood a joke, or was making it up.

Not saying that this is what your guy was doing OP; just that it's amazing what real shits people can be - while you might be slightly sceptical but generally believe that his wife might be cold and uncaring, in fact this might be the mind games going on at the other end. You'd never guess it, obviously, as he's nice to you, and you'd never think that badly of someone.

That's not to say that you should now hide your face in shame or anything. You need to take care of your mental health to make sure that you don't put yourself in this position again. If you're constantly making yourself vulnerable and being hurt, might it be because you don't like yourself very much generally? If so, you need to do something about that.

ravenmum · 31/03/2021 10:21

Oh, just realised the thread is a month or two old. @Sam344 you need to start your own thread Hmm

AnyFucker · 31/03/2021 10:25

I’ve begged him to let me go

You have a mind of your own. Use it.

Your kids are suffering while you are wallowing in this ridiculous self pity. Get a grip, no man is worth this.

feeficken · 31/03/2021 10:59

@cleanfreak25 I've had a similar situation as @ravenmum "one" of the times my wife came back and I choose to trust her, she was putting her phone down in front of me and making sure I could see it etc. What I later found out was she was actually just being more careful as all she had done was silence his messages so that no notifications etc came up. My guy instinct was telling me something was up, I had to use her phone for something and she left messages running in the background and thats when I saw the silenced message. So I believe she was messaging him right next to me on the sofa (I know right!) :(

Brainwave89 · 31/03/2021 11:35

I am now in my 50s. So often I and my friends of the same age have heard men say that they sleep alone, that they have become friends with their wives rather than lovers, that the relationship is no longer fun, that they are just together for the kids etc. On every single occasion I have come across it was a complete pack of lies. Note, every single occasion, I have never come across a situation where this has actually been true. In short, it is overwhelmingly likely that he is lying. Think about it carefully and try and think about this from his wife's perspective. I very much doubt she would see things the same way.

edwinbear · 31/03/2021 13:26

This is a man who is after a personal, on line, ego boosting service. Regardless of his home situation, if he's not seeing you on a regular basis, he just likes being able to get a quick ego boost 'hit' via his phone when he needs one.

booboo24 · 31/03/2021 13:52

OP i normally have zero sympathy for these threads but for some reason I do feel with you that you made a stupid error and have maybe got sulked in way too far, I think that you genuinely hate yourself and actually DO want a way out of this. If that's the case then I would suggest telling your mum as you said you had bottled it. Her judgement is probably just what you need, it sounds like she's the one person you don't want to disappoint so let her be your way out of this. I'm sure she would also support you while you get over him.

Please also consider that however insignificant you think the time you've spent together is, you are wrecking someone's life. His partner WILL find out about you, at some point this will be uncovered and then her and their children's lives will be turned upside down. You can only really limit the damage from here on in, so please find the strength to cut him off

Maze76 · 31/03/2021 14:43

Best thing you can do is go no contact.

yetmorecrap · 31/03/2021 16:05

Put it like this OP, if he said to you, ‘life’s a bit dull, I get on with my wife and sleep with her, but it’s not nearly enough for me and you provide some occasional fun and a nice fun distraction ‘ would you have felt particularly good about it- because that’s the likely truth.

cleanfreak25 · 01/04/2021 12:04

Hi all I have been no contact for 10 weeks now & ignored a letter he sent. It still hurts & I think about him daily but at least I can look at myself in the mirror now. Thank you for all your support

OP posts:
ravenmum · 01/04/2021 12:25

Well done OP. Hope that things get a bit less lonely for you as Covid cools off, and that you can get your mojo back :)

AaSaat · 01/04/2021 17:26

It is a tremendously difficult situation for all parties. That you said you can now look at yourself in the mirror may help you rebuild your own self. Here is to hope and a brighter future. Good luck

Chloedavis2020 · 07/09/2021 14:25

I could have wrote this myself, currently in the same situation, although I’m also in relationship. No advice as it’s still a struggle for me and I’m trying to find my way.

Thewookiemustgo · 07/09/2021 20:32

If he hasn’t left his wife it’s because he doesn’t want to, whatever the situation at home may be.
If you are still contacting him or allowing him to contact you, it’s because you don’t really want to stop. You are an adult and capable of controlling your own behaviour.
Horrible to lose whatever crutch he’s been providing in your life, not easy to go non-contact, granted, but it really is as simple as this: Just. Stop. Doing. It.
You won’t regret it.

minniemouseshouses · 07/09/2021 20:38

Read the update from OP, people.

Muchhappieronmyown · 22/09/2021 14:11

Find your own man and stop being a potential home wrecker. He doesn’t want you he wants a distraction. get some class

LJenn · 22/09/2021 17:10

@Muchhappieronmyown

Find your own man and stop being a potential home wrecker. He doesn’t want you he wants a distraction. get some class
Wow... You're a gem. Did you even READ the OP's last update?? Jesus people can be so nasty.
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