Affair

[cleanfreak25]

We met in a club 18 months ago. I had been really hurt and was very vulnerable at the time and was looking for an escape. He's happy at home in the fact that they are friends rarely have Sex. they sleep in separate beds sit in different rooms. . Live like flat mates but have 2 children not married but get on well. I am divorced with children.
It's mostly via text , face time as live 3 hours apart. Have met up 3 times over the course of it and had sex, amazing sex. I know he isn't leaving his kids or his life for a dream. In reality we don't know how it Would work it probably wouldn't. Nothing good comes of other peoples hurt. I don't want him to leave , I never want her to find out. I have ended it so many times blocked etc the normal, he then even wrote me a letter to get me back. we have a really strong friendship and I always let him back in. I know he's not using me for sex as others might suggest because we hardly have any. But he is definitely using me to fill some sort of gap in his life. The guilt isn't even worth the high so why can't I just let him go before someone finds out and i am responsible for those kids not having their dad there. I'm not waiting around for him I try to date but I have had the worst luck and I guess I fall back on him as he is always their for me. Even though he really isn't. I hate myself for this I am desperate to end it and he is desperate to keep me despite the risks. I have stopped seeing him face to face I told him that won't happen anymore and Is over a year since i have seen him, but I also need to let go of the emotional side. He is like my best friend but I am just being selfish because I am lonely. I hate myself

@Mermaidwaves

These men always claim they don't sleep with their partners, have seperate rooms, live like flatmates, its always the same old story.

But sometimes this is true.
That’s how I was living for the last 2 years or my marriage and I have friends currently doing the same. Plus the OP says he messages her 24/7. If this is the case and the wife is spending time with him then she would have noticed that and questioned it by now.
Not saying you’re wrong but sometimes there is at least an element of truth in this.

@Baws
Perhaps in a very few cases its true, but pretty much every attached man playing away claims this, this guy is bullshitting the OP. Also his family could be in the same room whilst he is texting the OP, a lot of people are on their phones all evening nowadays.

@Aquamarine1029

You know you need to block him so do it. Stop fucking around and stop making excuses. You alone are the maker of your own misery.

This.

Be kind to yourself and work on your self-respect. You deserve better than this cheating scumbag.

I think you need to concentrate in the important things in your life like your kids.

So maybe he is telling the truth, sleeping separately, sitting in different rooms, what difference does that make to you.

You claim the guilt is killing you, so if he ever left her and the children, how would you feel then, even worse I should imagine. He knows this and has picked you especially for the job.

He is using you, that is a fact.
Your friendship is probably keeping him from resolving the problems in his marriage, a power struggle at home.
To me that is worse as it seems he needs you as a 'friend' and is using sex occasionally to keep you invested in the friendship.

He has probably been stonewalling and using the silent treatment on his wife for years to get his own way. You may actively being used to abuse his wife in other ways than just being unfaithful. You are helping him through the boredom, whilst he de humanises his wife.

He actually sounds like a bully to me, knows you are an empath and uses guilt to reel you back, for his own ends.

This man isn't your friend, block contact properly, you will then see his reaction. I should imagine he will be overly nice at first but go nc and his true colours will show, he is controlling this situation and if he loses that control he will become annoyed or angry.

If you end this , he will just find someone else to use, someone also who can be manipulated that doesn't ask him to leave his life, someone who gives but expects nothing in return.

If only you could see this man is your enemy, he has stolen your life and any chance of happiness, he is controlling both his wife and you.

Please get away from him, he is not a good person.
I would wager he is a narcissist.

Hi OP.

He is being really selfish and drawing you back in when you end it. It speaks of the man really.

This is bringing you only misery and no joy and that in itself is a reason to move forward. You are not a terrible person, you made a mistake and its gone too far and gone on too long. Stop focussing in the terrible person stuff and focus on your own self worth. That you deserve someone who you can be with full time and support you in life and slowly in time bulld a relationship with DCs. This affair is stopping you finding that. Counselling might help put it behind you.

Cold turkey is the only way. You cannot be friends with this man after the relationship you have previously had.

This happened to a friend of mine. It took 3 years of misery for everyone for him to leave his wife-he actually did which shocked everyone. But even then-he moved out but didn't really separate. So he went to the family home for breakfast every day to help with kids and every bedtime. So he still wasn't my friends. The last time i checked in what was going on that was pre covid and may have been 2 years since he moved out. They never had a meal out together or a holiday etc as he still wont tell EW about her. My friend is a lovely person and a single parent and has wasted 5 years of her prime on this person. Everytime she ends it he gets back in touch. It means she has gone through all of covid as a full time working single parent-when she might have had a partner to share the load with if they had ended it. We don't talk about it any more.

“I’ve begged him to let me go”

You need to stop putting it on him - you are not completely helpless, don’t act like it to justify your behaviour. You seem equally unable to let go. Change your number if you are as desperate to get rid of him as you say

@Mermaidwaves

@Baws
Perhaps in a very few cases its true, but pretty much every attached man playing away claims this, this guy is bullshitting the OP. Also his family could be in the same room whilst he is texting the OP, a lot of people are on their phones all evening nowadays.

I agree to some extent, I’ve been given the whole ‘my wife doesn’t understand me’ line in the past and usually it is bollocks. However, I know a few people where the separate lives situation is true. It was certainly true for me, it actually made it easier for me to cope with staying in the marriage and to build up my own life to the point where I felt able to leave.
If someone is sat there on their phone 24/7 and not spending time with their partner then there is something wrong with that relationship! Most of us are on our phones a fair bit but not to the exclusion of spending time with our partners. During lockdown most couples I know are watching box sets, the ones who are sat there on their phones are the ones who were miserable before lockdown and feel even more trapped at the moment.

@Applesarenice

“I’ve begged him to let me go”

You need to stop putting it on him - you are not completely helpless, don’t act like it to justify your behaviour. You seem equally unable to let go. Change your number if you are as desperate to get rid of him as you say

Agree. You're not a weak willed woman who can't resist a charming man in a Victorian novel. You're someone he met who is a distraction from the daily grind and he gets to shag you when he chooses.

You're romanticising this to the point that, whether consciously or subconsciously, you're thriving from the drama.

This man isn't hand wringing and overthinking like you are. He is a dickhead cheating on his partner.

You have agency here. You have choice. It is a cop out to say "I've begged him to let me go" - make YOURSELF go!

I don't know how you're texting 24/7 if you do have kids as a poster mentioned upthread but maybe have a think about whether that's the best use of your time - messaging someone you're having an affair with throughout the day when it apparently makes you feel sick what you're doing.

Adulting is hard. You are being both selfish and self destructive. You need to see a therapist to work through why on some level you are getting something out of the drama / star crossed lovers element of this when really he is just someone not very nice who you spend all your time messaging (not really life) then shag on the rare occasion he can be arsed to meet up.

This may all sound harsh but I think you need to hear it. I would say the same to a friend doing this. It's grim.

“Begged him to let me go”
FFS

. He's happy at home in the fact that they are friends rarely have Sex. they sleep in separate beds sit in different rooms

Lol.

Thanks for your responses. I don't love the drama and I know we aren't star crossed lovers. When I said I begged him to let me go. I meant to stop with the letters & the constant trying to pull my back in. Not like in a romance film. I know it's my responsibility to end it, My kids are teenagers now and spend most of their times in their rooms like most teenagers. They need me less and less which is hard as well. They know nothing of this man and I don't neglect them at all. I work full time and raise them on my own and they always come first. I was lonely and let him in & now we have a friendship that is wrong but I am finding it hard to break. He doesn't get to choose when he wants to shag me. He drove 3 hours to have a coffee with me once. I know he is a dick head cheater and I know i definitely have issuers that maybe a therapist can help with. Again I thank you all for the wake up call. I blocked him this morning and hope for a fresh new start this year. I am genuinely sorry for what I have done

Well done for blocking him, it will be really hard over the next week or so, but stay busy and be kind to yourself. And any time you are tempted to reach out to him, just reread this thread.

Thank you littlebird I will definitely re read this thread it's just want I needed.

OP - i think you are way out of your depth in this affair, and maybe you are drowning because you want to assume that your feelings are reciprocated. I really don't think they are. Judge people by what they do - not what they say. Posters here are looking at what's going on and are not seduced by his words.
I think some counselling would be really helpful for you OP.

I am 100 percent drowning I feel so anxious and sick all the time. I think posters are right that he has chosen me for this reason me because he knows I will keep his secret. I wish I never set eyes on him

Op - I’ve been there.
It’s helpful to think - how to you see this resolving? What will it be like in a year? What is it you want?

To me it looks like you are filling an emotional gap in his life at considerable cost to your happiness. You need someone who is there for you honestly and completely. He is not. Time to draw a line.

Its so hard - but you deserve more.

The sickness and anxiety is probably arising because you are engaging in something which is against what you want to be doing. Perhaps you have felt out of control in this situation which is a horrible feeling.

I haven't been in your exact position but I have been involved with men where I've known it's never going to work out or it's not right for me, but still found really hard to break free when I've been lonely or missing that contact/attention from someone. I've felt bad about myself as a result of these too. Taking your own actions really is the best way to feel better about yourself though - well done for blocking him.

Don't lose your momentum now as it will be easy to slide back if you feel awful again - you need something else to support you in place. Contact a therapist and start putting yourself first.

OP,
"He's happy at home in the fact that they are friends rarely have Sex. they sleep in separate beds sit in different rooms"

You do realise this is a crock, don't you? It's straight out of the Cheaters manual along with;
"We are married in name only"
"We have an open marriage"
"My wife doesn't want sex, she is a nagging shrew"
all designed to engender sympathy from naive females.

I have seen so many of my female friends suffer incalculable heartache after wasting their time/youth/emotional energy/ love and money on predatory married men who are just looking for 'a bit on the side'.

Don't be that girl, you deserve better.

Yes he’s lying to you! His wife probably trusts him so doesn’t feel the need to check his phone and is busy with the kids. I found my ex cheating after 6 years and 3 children, he had been doing it for ages and I had no idea. He was constantly on his phone but I never thought to check.

You don’t strike me as someone that actually feels guilty for doing this to his poor wife and DC. If he was so unhappy if this marriage and he found peace and love with you surely he’d end it and start something real with you?

Why don I strike you as someone who feels guilty?. I posted here because I know I am doing wrong. I feel terrible guilt I have blocked him on everything possible. These comments gave me the strength to do it. To stop being selfish with my loneliness, my husband also cheated on me, due to lack of sex in our marriage so I know what it feels like. Why I have done this I don't know but I am determined to get out of it,

Walk away and keep going. No good will come of this - for anyone.

Of course they're still having sex, he's lying to you and he's lying to her. Raise your standards OP.