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Original poster

Resentment towards husband - am I wrong?

36 replies

Sparkle1611 · 21/01/2021 18:27

I lost my mother last year and have really struggled to deal with the whole situation. Mum was larger than life and her death was unexpected. DH is military and was due to deploy for 6 months just as mum died. He had the option to delay his deployment on compassionate grounds but instead decided it was better (for his career) to deploy. After mum died, his boss was constantly on the phone, wanting to know medical details about my mum ( not bad enough that mum had died but they wanted the name of the hospital, what she died of, the name of the doctor to confirm that she had actually died) all this happened during lockdown so there was a delay in the funeral which again wasn't convenient for his work! So 2 weeks after my mum died he left myself and 2 griefstricken kids to deploy. Mum had been in hospital for 3 months before she died, due to covid we weren't allowed to visit. She couldn't have her mobile phone so She spent her last 3 months unable to see anyone she knew or loved which was awful.
After DH deployed it was like nothing had happened. He's not been there for me physically or emotionally and I still can't get over the fact that, given the choice, he decided to go and leave me when my world had just collapsed. We don't live near any family, it was during full lockdown so we couldn't visit my other family members or my father, who was heartbroken. I stayed up at nights whilst my children cried for hours because there was no one else. I now resent him so much but the worst part is that he doesn't think he was wrong to go and he thinks I'm the one in the wrong for having an issue with it. When he was away he never acknowledged my grief in any way, ignored texts, changed the subject if I mentioned my mum etc and did his best to speak to.me as little as possible. At work He is the person everyone goes to for advice and support but yet he can't be there for his own family. My resentment is killing our marriage but I don't know how to get past it. I've already given up my career and basically all my life choices for his career, I feel like this is the final straw.

OP posts:

GingerFigs · 21/01/2021 18:31

I can't read and run without saying I'm so sorry about your Mum and I can't believe how your husband acted while this was happening and you were in the first raw stages of grief. Sending you big hugs and please talk to family and friends about your Mum even by phone, you need to talk about her and be allowed to grieve.

Ilikewinter · 21/01/2021 18:33

Im sorry for your loss.....in regards to your DH i don't think I could forgive him, it might have been different if he was a least trying to offer emotional support whilst he was deployed but not to even mention it is poor

Itstimetoquit · 21/01/2021 18:33

He doesn't sound very caring at all,sorry for your loss,I would be asking him what the hell is wrong with him,you need to decide if you want this marriage to carry on you need to be happy too x

HollowTalk · 21/01/2021 18:36

He sounds awful. What is the point in being married if your husband isn't there for you at the very worst times in your life?

Why on earth was his boss wanting to know all that anyway?

I'm so sorry you lost your mum.

Original poster

Sparkle1611 · 21/01/2021 18:46

His deployment was delayed by the inconvenience of my.mum dying so the military wanted proof that his reasons were genuine. We wouldn't give the hospital permission to release my mum's medical I formation to the military so it caused no end of problems. Not what you want to or should have to deal with when your mum's just died.

OP posts:

Feelingchicken99 · 21/01/2021 19:16

Am sorry to ready about your mum passing,

I would to feel in exactly the same way as you do now,

if your mum was here for you to ask advice from what would she say to you would see condone his awful heartless behaviour.

Original poster

Sparkle1611 · 21/01/2021 19:22

That's a good question. She thought the world of him and over the years, although id have the odd rant about him, I never really discussed any of our major issues with her. She thought so much of him and I didn't want to tarnish her opinion of him with issues that were in our marriage. She never knew him like I did. I have told him that if she knew the things I do about him she'd have had plenty to say I'm sure.

OP posts:

harknesswitch · 21/01/2021 19:33

I'm so sorry about your mum op

With regards to your dh, I don't think I could ever get past his selfishness, because that's what it is. It's inconvenienced him and he chose himself and his career over supporting you. It wasn't even a case of support you or lose his job, I'm sure the military would have supported him if he'd have followed process.

Plus he could have been supportive whilst away, but again, he didn't want to. It might the a case of he didn't know what or how to support you, but he could have found out.

Feelingchicken99 · 21/01/2021 19:37

You protect the real him from your mum, I bet she would have voiced them options about him loud and clear. Am guilty of doing this with my H and family,

what do your RL friends think about him or have you not told them about his reaction to your mum passing

EarringsandLipstick · 21/01/2021 19:45

OP I say this with absolute kindness (as I've also lost a parent): grief completely unmoores you.

At these times, it's impossible to have sufficient perspective & be able to make possibly life-changing decisions.

I'm so sorry you lost your mum, I truly am. It's awful timing that your DH had to be deployed. It's also awful that he hasn't offered you the emotional support you need.

However some people are terrible at this. Additionally, given the level of pressure being put on him by the army, even to defer his deployment by a short time, it probably would have been badly regarded if he postponed it fully.

Also (and I'm sorry if this is harsh), the level of grief experienced & demonstrated by you & DC seems v extreme. I don't mean that you have to grieve a certain away or not be upset. But as a parent myself, when my parent died, I returned to work in a week and I carried on as normal for the DC. They were very sad, I was numb with grief but I had to function (I'm a single parent).

Step back for now & seek some support eg counselling (you can avail of it online). If you can, try & explain to DH how you are feeling.

There may be deeper issues but don't rush to making decisions now.

Original poster

Sparkle1611 · 21/01/2021 19:45

I only really have one friend and it's a relatively new friendship, I do talk honestly to her and she is of the opinion that he is selfish too. As a military wife I find making true friendships hard, I don't like to be part of the 'clique' and I'm not a coffee morning and toddler group type as before this posting I had a professional career and living on a base there is often way too much drama and gossip for me to deal with.

OP posts:

combatbarbie · 21/01/2021 19:58

I am very confused, who was asking you all these details? Normal protocol is that the main compassionate cell contacts hospital liaison to confirm the death. It certainly shouldn't be anyone from his work.

He sounds like the soldier who is the opposite of what he is at work at home.... Seen it soooo many times. I am sorry to hear of your loss but he sounds very selfish.

Moirarose2021 · 21/01/2021 19:58

He does not very supportive, but he was with you for 2 weeks after she died, most people are back at work and children at nursery /school (pre-covid) sooner than that. It does sound like you need to re-claim your life and find something for yourself

Original poster

Sparkle1611 · 21/01/2021 20:02

@Moirarose2021

If had just gone back to work id of obviously been fine with that, I didn't expect him to stay at home forever. However there is a difference between going to work and deploying 8000 miles away for 6 months. Deployment is hard enough at the best of times.

OP posts:

Moirarose2021 · 21/01/2021 20:05

I meant that the bereaved person would be back at work in that timescale, not their spouse who I would expect to only have a couple of days off

user1493413286 · 21/01/2021 20:11

I’m sorry for your loss, I’m not sure I’d be able to get past it or forgive it. Are both his parents still alive? It’s in no way an excuse but I’ve often found that until someone loses a parent they don’t realise how much it rocks the ground you stand on. Again not an excuse but that might be contributing to it alongside the military approach to loss as just accept it and move on.

DinosaurDiana · 21/01/2021 20:11

Time to claim your life back.
Get a job, sort childcare and live where you want to live
Might not be possible right now, but start making plans in your head.
And I’m sorry about your mum, mine died 20 years ago and it still hurts 💐

combatbarbie · 21/01/2021 20:12

@Moirarose2021 as OP has pointed out he's gone to the other side of the world for 6 months, he not an hours commute away.

Spouses are seen as the backbone of the military, hence the generous compassionate leave in these circumstances, however, he did not have to deploy, they wouldn't have dragged him kicking and screaming.... And if the OP starts to struggle they will just pull him back especially if there are children.

Feelingchicken99 · 21/01/2021 20:21

I agree with @combatbarbie this isn’t just being left alone for a normal 8 hour working day, choosing to go when he could have put it off a while and then not checking in and supporting from a distance when OP needs it the most shows a lot of selfishness

Honeyroar · 21/01/2021 20:28

My friend’s husband was cold and unsupportive when her mother died. It nearly ended their marriage, but it limped on. Two years later she got cancer. He was hopelessly unsupportive again, even when it was terminal. By that point she obviously had no energy to divorce him. I absolutely hate him for how shit he was (he now grumbles that barely anyone asks him how he is. Most people are livid, that’s why). Don’t be like my friend. You need a partner that will step up when times are hard. You clearly haven’t got one of those...

MajorMujer · 21/01/2021 20:32

OP it's not your resentment that us killing the marriage, it's your husbands selfish need to put his career before his family. I could not forgive that.

Puddinger · 21/01/2021 20:33

You need a partner that will step up when times are hard.

Exactly. You can't know which you've got until there are hard times, but then you do know.

blanchedevereaux · 21/01/2021 21:10

The lack of my husband's support when my mum died unexpectedly broke my marriage. I was accused of having an affair as I didn't want to have sex. He couldn't seem to realise how lost and grief stricken I was, no matter what I said. No hugs, no supportive words, just a sense of embarrassment really that I couldn't "get over it".

Losing your parent knocks the world off its axis,for sure. I left him 4 months later.

TonMoulin · 21/01/2021 21:15

I’m not sure I could get over that behaviour. Even less so if I was made to feel unreasonable about it.

I also don’t think it’s your resentment that is killing your marriage. I think it’s his actions that are killing your marriage. For by going away for 6 months and then by ignoring you, and his dcs.

billy1966 · 21/01/2021 21:27

OP,
Lots of balance in the above advice.

This is who he is.

You are devastated by horrendous grief.
I am so sorry.
Sudden shocking death is horrendous.
It is truly gutting.

There are several different issues here.

Your shock at your mothers death.
Your husband making a clear independent choice to leave you unnecessarily in your grief, to cope with your young children.
This is who he is.
He chose himself, above the family unit.
He has shown you who he is...believe him.

You need to return to work.
You need to reclaim your independence.

You are so vulnerable.

This is the template in your relationship if you became seriously ill.

Him, and his career and his needs, are what are important to him.

Grief is very challenging.

But he has shown you who he is in your most painful moment....to run off unnecessarily and leave you with your children.

Go and stay with your father.
Go back tonwork.
Dump his ass.

So sorry for your awful loss.

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