Resentment towards husband - am I wrong?

[Sparkle1611]

I lost my mother last year and have really struggled to deal with the whole situation. Mum was larger than life and her death was unexpected. DH is military and was due to deploy for 6 months just as mum died. He had the option to delay his deployment on compassionate grounds but instead decided it was better (for his career) to deploy. After mum died, his boss was constantly on the phone, wanting to know medical details about my mum ( not bad enough that mum had died but they wanted the name of the hospital, what she died of, the name of the doctor to confirm that she had actually died) all this happened during lockdown so there was a delay in the funeral which again wasn't convenient for his work! So 2 weeks after my mum died he left myself and 2 griefstricken kids to deploy. Mum had been in hospital for 3 months before she died, due to covid we weren't allowed to visit. She couldn't have her mobile phone so She spent her last 3 months unable to see anyone she knew or loved which was awful.
After DH deployed it was like nothing had happened. He's not been there for me physically or emotionally and I still can't get over the fact that, given the choice, he decided to go and leave me when my world had just collapsed. We don't live near any family, it was during full lockdown so we couldn't visit my other family members or my father, who was heartbroken. I stayed up at nights whilst my children cried for hours because there was no one else. I now resent him so much but the worst part is that he doesn't think he was wrong to go and he thinks I'm the one in the wrong for having an issue with it. When he was away he never acknowledged my grief in any way, ignored texts, changed the subject if I mentioned my mum etc and did his best to speak to.me as little as possible. At work He is the person everyone goes to for advice and support but yet he can't be there for his own family. My resentment is killing our marriage but I don't know how to get past it. I've already given up my career and basically all my life choices for his career, I feel like this is the final straw.

I couldn’t get over this.
I’m sorry for the loss of your DM op but I couldn’t forgive this and would go wherever I felt happiest and pick up the pieces of ME again.
I wouldn’t be dependent on this twat for anything.

Im so sorry op for the loss of your beloved Mum. It is utterly devastating.

It sounds like you are having a terrible time OP and I am really sorry.

However, deep grief can cause us to loose perspective, and it sounds to me that that might be happening here. The loss of your mum is incredibly said but from your DP’s POV it may appear to be important to take a promotion for the future of your children. His job involves being deployed away from home so this doesn’t appear unexpected. Your perspective may be different of course, but his will also be valid.

I’m really sorry he isn’t able to support you more, but some people aren’t great at that. It also sounds like he may have a very demanding and draining job. As the grief you are experiencing sounds very intense it may be hard for him to handle and causing him to shut down. This isn’t great, but again he may have a different perspective on it to you.

If you haven’t I think you should see your GP and organise some grief counselling so you can get support and start to move forward. It would be good if you could get it before he comes home so when he does, you can sit down with him and talk about where your marriage is. It sounds like you are very different people so you may need marriage counselling support to do this.

Have you got back to work post kids yet? If not once you’ve done some counselling and started to feel better it’s worth considering that.

Also (and I'm sorry if this is harsh), the level of grief experienced & demonstrated by you & DC seems v extreme. I don't mean that you have to grieve a certain away or not be upset. But as a parent myself, when my parent died, I returned to work in a week and I carried on as normal for the DC.

Unless you lost someone in the lockdown situation then you don't know what it's like. I lost my dad in April and not having the ability to have other family around when he was ill and not able to have a "proper" funeral really stunted my ability to grieve, and I'm still stuck if I'm honest.

No level of grief is "extreme", it is what it is. Only time really helps......and the unconditional support of friends and family .....which the op doesn't seem to have from her DH.

I don’t see how your marriage can survive this. I know I couldn’t get over this. Why sacrifice your life for his anymore. This was the one time you really needed him. Time to move on isn’t it?

If your partner chooses to go awol exactly when you need help, then they aren’t much of a partner. I couldn’t get over it either op. I think I’d decide much better to get out long before you are old.

Some people just arent great at dealing with other people's emotions. Also, you havent mentioned what he's been deployed as, but is the death of other people one of the consequences of his job? (Not saying this excuses his reaction, but it may partly explain it).

Well it’s obvious he couldn’t be bothered to deal with your grief and it was easier to disappear. Only you can decide if he didn’t want to be there for you because he doesn’t care about you or whether he was protecting himself.

What exactly is the point of him?Surely a marriage is to provide emotional support to one another. You are clearly emotionally mis matched. Very sorry for your loss, this has shown you who he is.
Might be time to consider an independent life.

You make allowances, cut them some slack in the hope that when you need them, they will be there. However, your H just isn’t that guy.

This is who he is and resentment is the natural response when the person you prioritise treats you like an option.

So sorry for your loss OP. Ignore those saying your grief for your own parent is "extreme"

Sounds like counselling for the two of you would help.
We on the Internet don't know the full history of your relationship or your husband. It could be he himself struggles with death for any number of reasons e.g. being in the military and the mentality of having to suck things up and carry on, or he finds strong emotions hard to handle.