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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just found out that my partner sexually assaulted someone before I knew him

35 replies

catnaps1995 · 20/01/2021 22:00

My friend said that she was sexually assaulted by my boyfriend before I met him.
She told my sister, I'm not meant to know. I can't think why she'd lie about this, especially since I'm not supposed to know. Apparently my boyfriend tried to touch her whilst she was drunk and asleep in his bed, he was supposed to be sleeping downstairs. His best mate came in after the argument and told him how that was wrong and put a stop to it all. I always wondered why his best mate is seemingly so distant and doesn't meet up with him anymore (before covid). Apparently that is the reason why.
Anyway I have no proof this happened but I am always someone that believes the person who was abused unless proven otherwise. I was having difficulties in our relationship before, my current partner is a liar and has been emotionally abusive to me in the past. I've been trying so hard in this relationship, but this is getting too hard. I think I want to leave but I don't know how. I don't know where he would live, I don't want to break up our family, upset our daughter. I don't know how I will cope on my own. Will I ever meet anyone else? I always wanted another child. Is that going to be it for me now. No one would want me...but I'm not interested in anyone else. I have lots of worries. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. What would you do?

OP posts:
AngelDelightUK · 20/01/2021 22:02

I’d ask her, say your sister has told you something concerning as she was worried and you want to know if it’s true

Meggymoo777 · 20/01/2021 22:08

my current partner is a liar and has been emotionally abusive to me in the past*
*
...and he's a sexual predator? You need to leave, every woman deserves better than this kind of scum.

Catty1720 · 20/01/2021 22:41

Better break up a home then raise your DD with a man who sexually assaulted someone!
You need to ask the friend as someone said say she’s concerned for you.
I would ask id need to know. And all the worries of meeting someone else having another baby etc right now none of that matters. You deserve better if he’s already lying and is abusive let alone a sexual predator!

Original poster
catnaps1995 · 21/01/2021 00:06

Thanks everyone. Your all very right. I'll ask. Just need to word it right

OP posts:
Millypaige29 · 21/01/2021 00:07

Babe my ex did too! Hence me being lesbian now x

Sofetikal · 21/01/2021 00:08

How on earth does that make you a lesbian.

Millypaige29 · 21/01/2021 00:12

Because of past experiences with guys hunny I just find things flow much better with women Grin

Sofetikal · 21/01/2021 00:14

So your bi then... you can’t just decide to be a lesbian because you’ve had a bad experience with men

Millypaige29 · 21/01/2021 00:15

Always been bisexual babes since I was like 12 but now I’m leaning towards les xx

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 21/01/2021 00:18

Fucking hell, who cares where he'd live?! Predatory behaviour is unlikely to be a one off. Even if it is, that's once too many. Even if the incident wasn't as serious as described, you say he is abusive. Even with the best possible scenario, you need to get away from him, quickly.

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 21/01/2021 00:21

That escalated quickly.

Meggymoo777 · 21/01/2021 00:21

@Millypaige29 To be fair, I believe sexuality is something inherent and not as a result of the actions of certain terrible members of a particular sex.I say this as a bisexual woman.

Also OP, if it means anything - I went to a party at 19yo, fell asleep and woke up to a mans hand inside me, it has never left me and I'm still dealing with the effects of this assault and 2 others with the help of counsellor and medication for anxiety. Please don't let him belittle the alleged situation of it does turn out to be true x

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 21/01/2021 00:21

@ScaredOfDinosaurs

Fucking hell, who cares where he'd live?! Predatory behaviour is unlikely to be a one off. Even if it is, that's once too many. Even if the incident wasn't as serious as described, you say he is abusive. Even with the best possible scenario, you need to get away from him, quickly.
This
Lou98 · 21/01/2021 00:25

As someone who was sexually assaulted while sleeping and not believed by someone I thought I was close with, please believe your friend. Where he will go if you leave him isn't your concern, I'm a firm believer if he's done it once he will do it again, I'd be leaving him as soon as possible personally

TedMullins · 21/01/2021 00:28

“What if I never find someone else” is not even something you should be considering. Staying with a sexual predator is not better than being single forever! It’s not a necessity to be in a relationship and you need to tell yourself repeatedly that being single is better than being in a bad relationship. He sounds vile, he’s a danger to women, abusive to you... what on earth about that situation is preferable to singledom? Being alone and looking after yourself and learning to function and even enjoy being independent will put you in a much better position to have a new relationship.

Meggymoo777 · 21/01/2021 00:30

@TedMullins

“What if I never find someone else” is not even something you should be considering. Staying with a sexual predator is not better than being single forever! It’s not a necessity to be in a relationship and you need to tell yourself repeatedly that being single is better than being in a bad relationship. He sounds vile, he’s a danger to women, abusive to you... what on earth about that situation is preferable to singledom? Being alone and looking after yourself and learning to function and even enjoy being independent will put you in a much better position to have a new relationship.
All of this ^
powershowerforanhour · 21/01/2021 00:33

I wouldn't bother asking him. You've already said he's a liar- he's hardly going to say oh yes I did it, it was terrible, I feel so awful about it now. He'll almost certainly say that never happened/ she's a lying wee tart who came onto me and is pissed off I rejected her/ my hands were sleepwalking/ some other bullshit.

powershowerforanhour · 21/01/2021 00:38

His best mate came in after the argument and told him how that was wrong and put a stop to it all. I always wondered why his best mate is seemingly so distant and doesn't meet up with him anymore

Is the best mate single? Sounds like he could be a significant upgrade. Got some of the basics anyhow.

famousforwrongreason · 21/01/2021 00:41

I know someone who stayed with a predator after I'd told her what he did to me.
He lied, so she minimised what I told her and we lost contact until after they split up.
After me, his behaviour escalated massively, ended up with the police at her door on several occasions.
You and your child are worth much more.

yvanka · 21/01/2021 00:52

I wouldn't bring it up, there's no point and he may react badly towards her. Just dump him.

soberlioness · 21/01/2021 00:59

Leave the scum, and it's not your problem whether he ends up homeless!

katy1213 · 21/01/2021 00:59

Sounds like you have plenty of reason to leave, even without this.
And who cares where he's going to live? In the gutter where he belongs.

Pantsomime · 21/01/2021 01:06

Raise your bar OP & for gods sake get your DD out of there!

EmilyEmmabob · 21/01/2021 06:45

The sexual assault information is the major warning you need. You don't need to address it with anyone, you need to focus on getting away from him. Make the move, it doesn't matter where he lives or what he does - he isn't your problem.

What is your problem is the environment your daughter is living in, what will happen to her growing up in an environment with him? And that's without the sexual assault. Add that into the mix and she will be at risk, her friends will be at risk and if he does it again there will be so many lives ruined. You now know exactly who he is before he has done any of this, take it as a warning and run.

Shoxfordian · 21/01/2021 07:05

It sounds like you have more than enough reason to leave him

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