Stupid question- could you start a relationship by asking for separate bedrooms?

[pledgethelight]

Obviously it's completely hypothetical atm. I've been single for 10 years. The last time I slept in the same bed as someone was about 5 years (platonically) and I felt so stifled. Now I'm worried I am too set in my bad habits.

I am such a bad sleeper. I have to have my Lumie lamp and white noise on. Then on a bad night I toss and turn for hours. I don't have a side, I roll from one to the other! I actually woke up this morning lying diagonally

Am I being ridiculous here?

What do you mean by "starting a relationship by asking for separate bedroomsl? Like as a chat up line? Sidling up to someone at a bar and asking if they fancy having their own bedroom down the hall from you?

No, don't think that would work.

I don't see separate bedrooms as incompatible with a relationship with the right person. It's not that desperately unusual.

Joining in hypothetically, I imagine as long as you stayed for a snuggle after sex - if you plan on having sex - rather than bolt straight to your separate room, then really what is either of you missing out on?
My lovely parents have hardly spent a night apart but sadly my dad due to ill health now regularly has very disturbed nights, so they start the night in the same bed and then he vacates. He says as long as they have at least half an hour together it feels like before, just about, only you miss out on waking up together.

• Long time member of the “sleeping separately is better” brigade

I always thought I’d be like that. I’ve hated sleeping in the same bed as all my ex’s, even the long term ones. But it’s been really different with my husband. Right from the start it was very easy to actually sleep with him.

No OP, you are not being ridiculous about separate bedrooms but I wouldn't bring it up on a first date !

My DH and I have had separate rooms for years and it works fine.

I'm a 'lark' and I snore.

DH is an 'owl', grinds his teeth, talks in his sleep and kicks his legs about.

Separately we ensure we both get a good nights sleep.

I used to be exactly like this .Lived on my own for 12 years ,dated someone long term but regularly made excuses to go hone in the middle of the night ,thought it unnatural to share a bed .
Then I met someone I liked sleeping beside and it's brilliant !
(Unless he has to go away on business and then I can't sleep 😬).

I love sleeping in the same bed as my man. He usually encroaches on my side but I still love it.

When I started dating my boyfriend I told him he had to sleep in the spare room if he wanted to stay over. He didn't mind at all. We now manage to share a bed and I can sleep but it took a long time and I used to take sleeping pills when I stayed at his. I dated a guy before who was weird about it. He was a dick.

I promise I wouldn't bring it up on a first date! I'm not that out of practice!

It just popped into my mind last night as I tossed and turned and flung my pillows about that there should be space for two people to sleep in my bed. It really freaked me out.

Me and DH always start off in the same bed but spend most of the night in separate beds... we both sleep so much better.

I do prefer space in bed but surely if he's the one you will want to be near him and you won't mind sharing your bed, or get a super king!

I wouldn’t like it personally but each to their own

My DP and I have been seeing one another for 18 months. We see one another at least twice a week and most weekends. We eat together, we have sex, we enjoy social activities. We have “slept” in the same bed only 3 or 4 times and neither of us got any sleep! It’s uncomfortable and he takes up too much space. We are much happier sleeping separately!

DP and I essentially did this. I'm barely able to sleep at all with someone else in the same bed and he's while not as extreme as me he definitely gets better sleep alone. Like OP, I was basically single for a very long time before him and got set in my ways sleep-wise.

Before we lived together obviously we wouldn't sleep in separate bedrooms if one of us was visiting the other. It didn't matter because you can deal with a night's bad sleep here and there, and we weren't exactly trying to sleep anyway IYSWIM.

I brought it up before we moved in together. I did give sleeping together a decent go but within a fortnight was crawling off to the spare room every night and within a month had just made it my bedroom. DP felt a little rejected by this at first but it didn't take long for him to get on board - the difference it makes to our sleep is absolutely massive. It's just the norm for us now.

I know of a handful of other couples who sleep in separate rooms and everyone's in agreement - it's a game-changer for the relationship, mental health, physical health, everything.

My husband snores and, increasingly, one of us ends up in the spare room. I'm starting to think I'd like my own room with all my stuff in it but not sure what this would do to the relationship. I think OP is quite reasonable to start off like this.

I spent years sleeping alone after my marriage ended. I'm like you terrible sleeper toss and turn half the night. It did cross my mind when I met my partner. He's the total opposite a tornado wouldn't wake him so it's great. I love sleeping beside him. Don't worry about it as who knows what could happen.

I would LOVE my own bedroom if we had the space. I wouldn't judge someone for wanting that, as long as you're still connecting and intimate in terms of cuddles.
But I do think it's a change that happens later into marriages rather than right away...

I know a couple who have separate bedrooms and the happiest marriage. I'm single atm, but my ideal set up would be 2 single beds in the same room 🤪

Whilst I know in my head that somebody declining to share a bed with you because sleep is such a very individual thing isn’t a personal rejection; I’m not sure I could have a relationship with somebody who wanted separate beds or bedrooms because I really like sleeping next to a partner. So I do think it needs to be brought up relatively early so somebody can decide if it would work for them or not.

FWIW I know at least one of the other separate-beds couples I mentioned also did it from the get-go.

Absolutely no dampening of our sex life as a result either. Not hard to walk into another room!

@gannett that sounds hopeful.

It wouldn't be rejecting someone, it'd be more like leaving them in peace!

I love sleeping in my own bed in my own bedroom. I will never share a bed or room again with another man... my DH or any future partner I may have in the future.

I think it usually works out. I have a fan, hot water bottle, eye mask and breathing guide (light projected on ceiling) and insomnia so I toss and turn. I might scratch due to eczema and also move a lot.

DP and I have separate single duvets on a king sized bed. We'd have got super king but the rooms too small. He also sleeps on a special pillow due to injury.

You'd think we'd be hell to share with but you just get used to it tbh.

But if it was an issue I'd probably try in a bed for a few months but hope to have a spare room that you can move to whenever you need to/ that 'naturally' becomes your bedroom/ where you vacate to every night.

Lol, reminds me of the first night I spent with my BF. I love my own bed, nothing like it for comfort, and I like to be snug anf probably on the warm side. Took me ages to drop off, then after being finally asleep for an hour, woke up to the pain of him dragging my hair out. He said he often gets nightmares, somehow he entwined his fingers in my hair and started yanking at it - he was asleep, but it was a shock to me in the night! Have braved stopping over for the odd night since, happily, no repeat of it - my hair is also shorter these days so less likely to get his fingers caught in a lug.

I have a great relationship with my husband but we sleep apart often. He is a fidgeter, I'm a light sleeper and I don't see how it's beneficial to our relationship to wake up every morning hating him for disturbing our sleep.

Relationships aren't one size fits all.