Threads

See more results

Topics

Usernames

Mumsnet Logo
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

He attempts to invalidate my sexual trauma
29

winnieupland · 20/01/2021 18:49

What a subject. Unfortunately, I’m worried that is what he’s trying to do. Whether he’s aware of it or not.

When I met him I thought he treated me just beautifully. He was the first man I ever truly allowed myself to feel comfortable with. Eventually, gradually, I confided in him about how I was sexually abused as a child, how I was raped when I was 20 which led to me having an abortion, how I’ve had numerous experiences with men where I was sexually harassed and preyed upon. I trusted him. I didn’t want him to be confused about my being timid in the bedroom at times, my hesitation to feel comfortable around men in general.

When I would tell him these things he seemed supportive. It seemed like he cared. But now, whenever he’s angry with, he throws jabs right where it hurts me so deeply. He’s accused me of consenting to those behaviors from the men who abused me, of sleeping with any man I ever tried to speak out against, of playing the victim. He told me that the reason my family outed me after I spoke up about the abuse that traumatized me as a child is because I’m “problematic.”

It hurts so badly to hear someone I trusted say these things. It’s like he doubts everything about me. He was a virgin when we got together, and sometimes I wonder whether that’s why he lashes out this way. Does he feel threatened? He’s made me feel so dirty and, although I hate to say it, used by him. The last time he was yelling at me I asked, “If you think I’m this awful person, why did you continue a relationship with me? Why keep pursuing me for intimacy and sex, for connection?” He replied, “I don’t want that anymore from you. You’re no good at sex anyway!”

Please forgive me for rattling on. I know this relationship is probably a dud. I’m just so hurt and confused.

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

Aquamarine1029 · 20/01/2021 18:51

Why are you even still talking to this horrible man?

Please
or
to access all these features

TiddyTid · 20/01/2021 18:52

Get rid.

There is no excuse for his behaviour. None.

Please
or
to access all these features

Ohalrightthen · 20/01/2021 18:52

OP, you are being abused. Verbally and emotionally. This relationship is not a "dud", it is toxic, and it needs to end.

Please dump this loser right now. You don't even need to tell him. Just block him on everything and change your locks. Reach out to your friends for support, and potentially consider seeing a counsellor.

I'm sorry he's doing this to you. You absolutely deserve better.

Please
or
to access all these features

Danny4445 · 20/01/2021 18:53

Fuck him. Do not try to rationalise why he's saying those things. Don't try to analyse him. You need to dump him. He's despicable.

Please
or
to access all these features

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 20/01/2021 18:54

You can't save him, you can't change him, you can't rescue him.

He's abusive. You need to dump him.

Please
or
to access all these features

user1174147897 · 20/01/2021 18:57

He's abusive. I'm sorry.

Please
or
to access all these features

Tenohfour · 20/01/2021 18:59

This man is abusive. Leave him and seek therapy to help you get past this. None of this is your fault. You dont trust him, and you are totally right in not trusting him.

Please
or
to access all these features

fruitbrewhaha · 20/01/2021 19:03

oh shit OP he is awful. Normal people dont say stuff like that even in an argument.

Please
or
to access all these features

chipsandpeas · 20/01/2021 19:07

run as far away as you can from this dickhead

Please
or
to access all these features

Jumpers268 · 20/01/2021 19:09

Oh this is awful. No one should EVER use something like that against you. No matter what. What an horrible person he is.

Please
or
to access all these features

Buttercream22 · 20/01/2021 19:12

He's abusive! What an awful, awful person. Leave and don't look back.

Please
or
to access all these features

NovemberR · 20/01/2021 19:12

You are, very sadly, with another abuser. Please block him from your life.

And he is aware of the fact that he is using your abuse as a way of hurting you more. He is gaining pleasure from it. Please, please leave.

Please
or
to access all these features

BettyAndVeronica · 20/01/2021 19:18

There is not coming back from what he has said.

It is so far from ok. There's nothing you or he can do to solve this issue or rectify his comments. It's done. LTB

Please
or
to access all these features

winnieupland · 20/01/2021 19:18

Thank you, ladies 🙏 I have told him that we’re done, we’re broken up, and I’ll make sure it stays that way. Every comment helps to remind me why I must do this.

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

BettyAndVeronica · 20/01/2021 19:19

Don't look back OP. He will never be the person for you. It could never be made better.

Head held heigh!!
Wish you all the best.

Please
or
to access all these features

NovemberR · 20/01/2021 19:20

Well done! That was brave and decisive of you and shows that you are stronger than you think you are.

Good luck for the future.

Please
or
to access all these features

Bananaman123 · 20/01/2021 19:21

What a disgusting thing to say, he is a total dickhead, as others have said he is abusive, get rid x

You deserve so much more

Please
or
to access all these features

MsF1t · 20/01/2021 19:26

Well, I think we have established why it is no one ever slept with him before, haven't we?

Please
or
to access all these features

YouBringLightInToADarkPlace · 20/01/2021 19:32

Oh sweetheart, he is so so wrong- you do NOT deserve this. He sounds threatened, spiteful and powerless and you do not need to stay with him for any reason. Tell him to fuck off and then fuck off again.

Please
or
to access all these features

Jumpers268 · 20/01/2021 19:33

He won't take the break up lying down, be prepared for apologies, anger, and then apologies. Please block him (I know it's hard). Also, well done! You deserve SO SO SO SO much better!

Please
or
to access all these features

MondayYogurt · 20/01/2021 19:37

OP well done on dumping him. I do also think you would benefit from reading up about cycles of abuse and identifying potential abusers so that you can better avoid falling into these traps again.

Please
or
to access all these features

PlinkPlink · 20/01/2021 19:46

I've been in a similar position to you OP.

Childhood sexual abuse
Groomed at 14
Sexually assaulted at 23

I've met some pretty awful blokes 🙈

I would never put up with a man saying that about my character. I'd never put up with him invalidating things in my past that frankly, altered my life. Telling people about my sexual assault the first time was traumatic enough. Not being believed the first time was hard enough.

You know how you hear women who have had trauma are somehow easily picked out by abusers? He sounds like one of those abusers.

Through the harshest lessons in life I have learnt to avoid them. Alarm bells would be ringing so loudly and I hope they are for you too.

You should NEVER have to convince someone that your trauma was non-consensual and unwanted. You should NEVER have to convince someone it's the truth.

Fuck that misogynistic, abusive bastard right off.

Please
or
to access all these features

winnieupland · 20/01/2021 19:47

@MsF1t

Yep! He initially made it seem as though it was because he was shy.

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

winnieupland · 20/01/2021 20:21

@PlinkPlink

Thank you for commenting. The fact that you have grown aware enough to be able to avoid these abusive men inspires me and gives me hope.

Sometimes it feels as if I see what’s around me through shattered eyeglasses, always scanning for a safe landing while unable to see the full view. I know I need time alone to better myself.

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

PlinkPlink · 20/01/2021 20:56

Not just time alone...

Have some adventures if you can. Be free. Do things that are a bit impulsive and wild with your mates.

I think it wasn't until I looked at all the things I was unhappy with in my life and changed them, that I realised how being happy was supposed to feel...

Please
or
to access all these features
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.