How to handle 'low' partner

[lockdownlow]

Just wanted some opinions as I don't know if I'm being insensitive here or not.

Our situation currently is: I'm working from home (I mainly do anyway regardless of covid). I run a business and it's bloody hard work at the moment. I feel quite stressed that we may not survive this pandemic (the business, not the human race) I have 2 kids (8 and 11) who are both at home and I'm attempting to help them with the mountain of work they keep getting sent home in between my own work.
I keep the house running, make sure the fridge is stocked, ensure all schoolwork is completed and sent back on time. I do the washing, the cooking, and keep the house clean. As it's my own business I don't technically have set hours although ideally, I do need to be working between 9-5 as that's when our clients are working however I often find myself working into the night to keep up with the basic admin.

My OH works full time in a job he despises and has been looking for another job for quite some time now. Obviously the pandemic hasn't helped as a couple of offers he'd had near the time of the first lock down got pulled because of the situation with a view to revist when life returns to normal. He was furloughed on full pay, which he obviously loved, during the first lockdown and to be fair to him he was a big help to have around in terms of helping the kids with their schoolwork and doing bits around the house.
This time around though his boss has taken the decision not to furlough staff and he has to work as normal.
He's constantly moping about the place when he's not at work saying how low he feels. His job's getting him down, he really hates it. Sometimes he sits and just stares saying how he wishes his life was different. I should add that usually (pre this job and covid) he is a chirpy happy guy, always there with a joke and smile and usually very positive.

I'm finding it increasingly difficult to not snap at him and I don't know if I'm being unfair. I've tried asking if he wants to talk about it but he just says no/ i hate my job/ i hate my life etc

Inside I want to scream that WE ALL FEEL LOW at the moment, he should just be grateful he has a job, that I'm feeling the stress of keeping everything going and making sure everyone else is sorted AND trying to keep a business afloat.

To top it all off he doesn't contribute much to household bills at the moment as he has quite a few debts which he's working to pay off but it means that at present I pay about 85% of all household bills despite us both bringing in around the same wage so I feel like all financial responsibility falls on me.

How would you handle this?

Has he spoken to his gp? There’s a difference between the “low” we’re all feeling and clinical depression. Don’t underestimate the misery that doing a job you hate every day can bring.

It sounds like things are really tough for you too, and he still needs to contribute to the work of the household. Is there anyone else you can talk to about the strain you’re under? A friend you can walk with?

Are the children his?

He's not contributing to running the home and he's not contributing financially... why?

Hi, thank you for your reply.

No, I have tried gently suggesting maybe speaking with his doctor would help but he didn't seem keen on that idea.
I do feel bad for him as I know how much he hates the job. He has 2 zoom interviews next week for jobs that are much more in his field so I'm just hoping something positive comes from them!
He will contribute to the household work if I ask him to, but if I never said anything it'd never get done. Sometimes I just get sick of hearing my own voice!

I meet my sister for exercise once a week so I can chat with her I suppose which may help me offload.

I think it depends on the couple but when my OH is on a downer I try and go a bit easy on him as I've also had periods of life feeling like this and we sort of help to pull each other out of it, it's give and take. Would he help you if it were the situation reversed?
If my long term partner and father of my kids had debts then I'd be happy to help clear them, but would keep an eye that it doesn't happen again.
Sometimes when my OH mopes for too long or takes his moods out on others then I will step in and give him a reality check and point out that it could be bloody worse and he needs to get a grip as it's pushing the boundaries and enough is enough, it's usually enough to make him stop and think and pull himself together

@user1174147897

Are the children his?

He's not contributing to running the home and he's not contributing financially... why?

No, the children are not his although he does treat them as though they are. We've been together 4.5 years. He contributes what he can but he had quite alot of debt from before us getting serious and until they're cleared there's little more he can do. He took a 2nd job in a restaurant on an evening before covid and was able to contribute a bit more but obviously that's not happening at the moment. They should all be paid off by the summer (they were mainly on 5 year payment plans) so I guess there is light at the end of the tunnel there

@Anonanon12

I think it depends on the couple but when my OH is on a downer I try and go a bit easy on him as I've also had periods of life feeling like this and we sort of help to pull each other out of it, it's give and take. Would he help you if it were the situation reversed? If my long term partner and father of my kids had debts then I'd be happy to help clear them, but would keep an eye that it doesn't happen again. Sometimes when my OH mopes for too long or takes his moods out on others then I will step in and give him a reality check and point out that it could be bloody worse and he needs to get a grip as it's pushing the boundaries and enough is enough, it's usually enough to make him stop and think and pull himself together

Good question! In all honesty I think he'd just mope with me 😂

When he first started saying it, which was probably around a year ago now, I did try and be sympathetic, listen to him and go easy on him. But it's hard listening to it every day when I've got enough to worry about myself.
I've tried telling him how I feel too but he makes it about him and goes into a bigger wallow saying how he's useless

@lockdownlow

He needs to call the GP and talk to them. They should be able to assess him on the phone and point him towards help if needed. It doesn’t sound as if he’s suffering from clinical depression but I am not a doctor and many people are good at hiding it so you can’t assume either way. But it’s not your job to fix him. He does need to find help for himself.

Even if he won’t go to a doctor, he needs to speak to someone who isn’t you about his feelings. Maybe he is just fed up, so he should offload to a friend, a parent, someone at work, he could even call Samaritans.

Don’t want to be unsympathetic but he does sound like a bit of a cocklodger tbh. You’re paying 85% bills and you’re doing most of the housework and you’re his emotional crutch. No wonder you want to shout at him.

Tell him to seek help, step up or go.

Hmm, that would grate on me if he cept behaving like that, I know what you mean as my OH can get like this but he usually snaps out of it when he senses I've had enough of it, which is usually me snapping that I've had enough of talking about the same old stuff and I tell him to figure it out and change whatever the issue is instead of going on and on, or see the gp for meds if he can't

[quote NameChange2PostThis]@lockdownlow

He needs to call the GP and talk to them. They should be able to assess him on the phone and point him towards help if needed. It doesn’t sound as if he’s suffering from clinical depression but I am not a doctor and many people are good at hiding it so you can’t assume either way. But it’s not your job to fix him. He does need to find help for himself.

Even if he won’t go to a doctor, he needs to speak to someone who isn’t you about his feelings. Maybe he is just fed up, so he should offload to a friend, a parent, someone at work, he could even call Samaritans.

Don’t want to be unsympathetic but he does sound like a bit of a cocklodger tbh. You’re paying 85% bills and you’re doing most of the housework and you’re his emotional crutch. No wonder you want to shout at him.

Tell him to seek help, step up or go.[/quote]
That's the way I'm feeling at the moment tbh.
He is fantastic with all the "fun" stuff with the kids but anything that involves responsibility or adulting he becomes Mr Mopey and it's starting to grate on me.
I am also no expert but I don't think it's clinical depression, I do think he's stuck in a rut and is finding it hard but aren't we all??!!

Maybe I need to be a bit harsher. I've been trying to be kind and understanding but there's only so long I can hold it all together for

@lockdownlow how’s it going?

No you don't need to be harsher and telling him 'aren't we all stressed'. This isn't top trumps. Others being stresses and miserable isn't going to make him feel any better. At least he's trying to get himself out of a job he hates. The person you love is miserable and depressed. As his partner it is your job to support him. You can give a bit of tough love as in 'look, you need to help yourself and speak to a professional/get on some meds to help you through this' but when you love someone and they are down you should help them, not tell them how tough you have it as well as that's not going to be productive or helpful at all.

@NameChange2PostThis
Hi, thanks for checking in. Nothing much has changed to be honest. I've tried suggesting to him that he needs to speak to someone who isn't me about how he's feeling, but he just shrugs and says 'yeah maybe I do' but then does nothing about it, and I don't have the energy to keep on at him.
He had an interview for a job earlier this week which he thinks went well so I have everything crossed that it will pull him out of his misery if he does get it!

@Fudgsicles yes, thanks for that. I have been supportive him for the last 11 months. I have sat and listened to him, I have talked with him, I have tried to offer suggestions and positive thoughts to his situation but right now I physically and mentally don't have the energy to keep being the strong one and holding everything together while he mopes.

@lockdownlow fingers crossed he gets the job

Is there a friend or relative you could explain the situation to who might call him?

@NameChange2PostThis I'm not sure who I'd go to. His parents tend to be quite OTT about things so not sure if they're the best ones. He doesn't really have any friends of his own, he gets on really well with my best friends husband but I don't really know who else I could go to

People deal with things differently. He probably really doesn’t know how to handle feeling low. I do the same thing as him when I feel bad - moan about it. It’s really hard at the moment, my work is tough and I have an overwhelming amount which has been that way since the start of the pandemic, trying to deal with the kids and make sure their educational and emotional needs are met, cooking, cleaning, keeping fit, the negative news I could go on. It is shit. I’m not surprised he is struggling.
But I also see how hard it is for you. You do obviously deal with things differently and maybe enjoy your job more?
He should seek some support though. I’ve done some phone counselling and CBT and a stress course. It kind of helps

@lockdownlow another thought. Can you get an online Relate session or similar together? Then at least there would be someone else in the conversation. And it might show him the seriousness of the situation from your POV. Also could be a road to him getting individual support if he gets comfortable with the counsellor.

@Lurcherloves yes it is shit and I do understand that he's finding things hard because he hates his job but he doesn't have the stresses of all those other things because I take those on. The cooking, the cleaning, the making sure the kids needs are met all seem to fall on me on top of everything else. So when he's moping around moaning how hard his life is while watching me run around like a headless chicken trying to do everything I'm starting to feel a bit pissed off. And no, I certainly don't enjoy my job. I hate it, but for now it's my only option and it means I can fit work round my children so until they're older I'm sticking with it (unless it all falls apart because of the pandemic which is looking likely )
You're right though, I know everyone handles things differently and I'm not trying to turn this into a competition about who's got it harder. I'm just finding his wallowing another thing piled on me, like I've got to be expected to take that on and support him when I already feel at breaking point IYSWIM?
@NameChange2PostThis
That's a really good idea actually I'd not thought of that, I'll look into it

Yes it’s likely I wouldn’t have patience either. I just feel bad for him because I feel like I can’t manage negative feelings at the moment. It’s so hard for people at the moment the negative news and the uncertainty
I think maybe just tell him you can’t cope with his issues as you’ve got enough to deal with. He needs to find something else to help him, the NHS here offered phone CBT really quickly, online stress course and employment advice believe it or not. He needs to seek it out

I was going to have a go at you for not being more sympathetic, but this has been going on for a year now. Still not a long time in the overall course of one's life but you seem to have a lot on your plate and just don't have the energy left to deal with this.

I'm probably similar to him in temperament. I had a job that I absolutely fucking hated. It made me feel like a machine and that all I did every day was put one foot in front of the other so I could physically sit my body at my place of work so I could do the mind numbing task of what was required of me. It's tricky to medicate something like that because there might be nothing wrong with the person - they're just going through a shit time and one needs to be careful with anti depressants anyway. I'm also sceptical of CBT which is about changing negative thought patterns. His thought patterns might be perfectly normal though for someone who genuinely hates their job.

What does he do as a hobby when he's home?

OP,

You are carrying the load.
The children aren't his.
You are paying for him.

What is the point of hiim in you being with him?

Would life be easier if ye split?

I can see what he gets from the relationship but what about you?

@ChancesWhatChances get to fuck your self sweetheart who's diagnosed him with depression now? Apart from moaning a lot and hating his job he doesn't actually have any of the tell tale signs of depression. He exercises, he takes care of his appearance, he's enthusiastic about doing things he deems as fun with the kids.
I said nothing about him just 'having to get on with it' but what I asked was, where do I go from here? Live the rest of my life like this?
I have listened. I have made suggestions. I've talked and been patient. I've kept the house running, the bills paid and supported him in every way I can.
Telling me to 'get to fuck' is quite possibly the most ridiculous advice I've ever had, but thanks anyway

Keep reading your posts OP.

Lazy selfish waster being carried by you.
He only has a smile on his face when he is doing exactly what he wants.

Why would you carry such misery?

Life would be far lighter with his load on your back.

Chances what a nasty piece of work you are.

He needs to try a antidepressants to see if they help. I wouldn't have much patience with him if he keeps anting he wishes his life was different r I would take it personally I think. No body really likes their job but we have to work and forget about it when we get home or it's not fair on our families. This would really get me down tbh