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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can a person's relationship with others affect their primary relationship?

30 replies

User4538219 · 20/01/2021 12:01

To what extent can a person's relationships with others affect their perception of their spouse? It's just that when DH and I had a minor argument recently he suddenly seemed to have a radically different opinion of me. He implied that I was a nagging cow who wouldn't let him go out by himself and stated other stuff about me that was blatantly untrue. What he said about me cannot be further from the truth as I am a distinctly unnagging wife (he nags me more, if anything) I am defintely not a cow and always try to be respectful to people, and I have never stopped him from going anywhere.
We have been married for over 25 years and he has never said any of these things before.
After we made up I asked him why he had said those things and first of all he just said he was 'truly sorry' and started crying then later he said he didn't know why he said those things.
I'm wondering if there's another woman on the scene who he might be talking to who might have planted these seeds in his mind? During our argument it was like he was suddenly someone entrirely different and that he thought I was someone entirely different too. Please help if you have any knowledge of this.

OP posts:

Boonlark · 20/01/2021 12:02

When my ex started doing this, he was starting to cheat

Original poster

User4538219 · 20/01/2021 12:06

@Boonlark

When my ex started doing this, he was starting to cheat

Did you discover the cheating fairly soon after or further down the line?

OP posts:

Wanderlusto · 20/01/2021 12:11

Sounds like narcissist 'splitting'. Narcissists and similar (eg: bpd) are only capable of seeing someone as 'all good' or 'all bad' at one time. Eg, if you do something that irritates them or offends their ego then in that moment, they hate you and all the good times you had together mean nothing.

Though you would have seen plenty of other signs by now if he were a narcissist surely.

It sounds like there could be someone else yes. Either way though his emotions are shallow and he is cold af if that means he suddenly feels it's acceptable to treat his partner of 25 years with contempt.

Original poster

User4538219 · 20/01/2021 12:18

Interesting as someone who is very close to both me and him has recently suggested that he may be a narcissist.
I have an extremely laid-back and easy-going nature and I will always avoid conflict where I can so it's possible that's why I've not seen the signs before but for 25 plus years??! This has really knocked me for six and I agree that I found it extremely distressing and unacceptable, but more disturbing really.

OP posts:

Eckhart · 20/01/2021 12:20

Who cares how much relationships can affect other relationships? He's been abusive to you, and absolved himself of responsibility.

he just said he was 'truly sorry' and started crying then later he said he didn't know why he said those things

Some higher power got hold of him, has it? The truth will be that he said what he felt, and now he's not tough enough to admit that that's part of how he feels generally. If he was able to express his feelings properly as they came up, there would have been no explosion where it all came out at once.

Have one go at talking to him about how he feels. Give him time to prepare. Don't talk about why he exploded, don't go in defensive. Ask him why he feels you nag, why he feels you stop him doing things, why everything that he accused you of. If he doesn't admit to the feelings and communicate them in a way that accepts responsibility for them in a way you understand, then it'll keep happening, whether another relationship is affecting his view of you or not.

Wanderlusto · 20/01/2021 12:25

Gosh yes op I would certainly be wondering then. The crying after confronted about his behaviour is a totally narcissist move too tbh. Making himself into the victim/person to be pitied when he is the one that has behaved appallingly.

Just remember there doenst have to be another woman for you to leave. Treating a partner with unkindness is bad enough. Its definately scary that he could say those things to you. Dont feel it's something you need to ignore.

Boonlark · 20/01/2021 12:32

Op I discovered it later down the line. It was a horrible time and I couldn't understand what was happening. With hindsight I now understand that he needed to find things wrong with me so he could justify what he was doing.

Basically, he had to create a version of me in his head that he could resent/hate and moan to others (esp other women) about me, and he used it to flirt with them and have them feel sorry for him.

ReggaePerrin · 20/01/2021 12:32

I was in a similar situation, OP. Had been with my OH for about as long, there had been odd occasions of abuse, physical when drunk, but once he met his new 'friend' everything changed.

I wasn't at all comfortable with the friendship and only mentioned it on the odd occasion (it wasn't worth the drama if I ever stood up for myself) and I never once stopped him from doing anything at all but I was the controlling one

The abuse was ramped up tenfold, I was blamed for everything that was wrong in his life (that I now know were his own failings), he was walking on eggshells, I was mad, etc. When they became more than friends it got even worse.

I was going through hell in the last few years of the relationship, could see some of the obvious abuse, but it wasn't until I had help from Women's Aid that the full extent of what he'd been doing to me became apparent. I was shocked that I hadn't realised but was very much in the FOG.

Please be very careful, don't try to fix him, do whatever you need to to protect yourself and keep (inwardly) strong

Original poster

User4538219 · 20/01/2021 12:43

Thank you for your advice @ReggaePerrin. I recognise myself in what you have said. My gut is telling me to not try to fix him so that involves not speaking to him further about it. That goes against your advice @Eckhart which seems like good advice but I just wonder if talking to him again will achieve anything if what Wanderlusto says about the all good/all bad thing does apply to him.

OP posts:

Boonlark · 20/01/2021 12:46

Yes, like Reggie said, you can't fix him, you can't make it better. I tried. I worked on all the things he said, but he found new things. He didn't want what he said he wanted, he wanted to use me to make himself feel better.

Original poster

User4538219 · 20/01/2021 12:47

@Boonlark

Basically, he had to create a version of me in his head that he could resent/hate and moan to others (esp other women) about me, and he used it to flirt with them and have them feel sorry for him.

I feel for you going through that. It terrifies me that this may well be happening to me too.

OP posts:

Eckhart · 20/01/2021 12:52

I just wonder if talking to him again will achieve anything

That's why you need to do it. You need to know that you've given him a chance, and he needs not to be able to come back and say 'You didn't give me a chance'.

He's been horrible to you. You need to know why, and how he's going to make sure it never happens again. If he can't at least offer you that, you'll expect it all the time. This kind of thing wrecks trust in seconds. He can't (expect to) get your trust back by acting like his actions and words were somehow outside of his sphere of control and responsibility.

There needs to be no room for you being left 'wondering', here.

Original poster

User4538219 · 20/01/2021 12:52

@Boonlark

I've also been doing that. Working on the things he said. But then I find that his actions seem to scupper what he originally complained about because it prevents me from achieving what he originally said he wanted. That sounds garbled. An example would be spending more time with him when he said that was what he wanted only for him to encourage me to then go and do what I initially was doing anyway. It's fucking confusing. I can't work out if he's being nice, trying to make amends, or is now a complete headfuck.

OP posts:

Iris3456 · 20/01/2021 12:56

OP I don't want to blame everything on the possibility of an OW but my ex changed overnight in his opinions of me, like he was rewriting my personality. Totally twisting past events too - thought I was going mad!

Apparently we'd been arguing for months - think I may have remembered that! Think I may have told him to put a cup in the dishwasher at one point.

He was starting a detachment phase. Easier on him if he recasts me as the baddie eh! Enter OW...

The crying bit is another red flag for me. I believe there is a short lived stage of remorse at the beginning to these things.

Doesn't mean OW or EA or whatever, he could just be stressed or being a prat, but I'd be keeping a close eye on his behaviour .

Wanderlusto · 20/01/2021 12:58

The thing about the all good all bad thing though is that once they start viewing you with contempt it may stay that way. The devalue phase of the abuse cycle has began.

He has started to test the water to see what he can get away with. Its hood you pulled him up on it. But even if he doesnt display that behaviour again, there may be similar behaviours from him that are not acceptable and just not the way you would treat someone you respect and care for.

Be on your guard. The mask may be slipping.

Wanderlusto · 20/01/2021 13:01

And know that you cannot change you to fix him.

If you have got to the point where you are constantly second guessing who he is... ...just remember that relationships are meant to make your life easier and more enjoyable. Not hard, confusing and stressful and upsetting.

Original poster

User4538219 · 20/01/2021 13:04

@Iris3456 I feel like he tried to rewrite my personality too. I didn't recognise myself in the view he portrayed. There was also a reference to a past event which he had seemed to have entirely rewritten in his head (where I was the bad guy). And yes, I felt like I was going mad. I even wondered if I had hallucinated. I've never had mental health issues in the past and my gut tells me that there is nothing wrong with me, but I can't help but wonder. I've tried to talk to a couple of people in RL but I don't think they really get what I mean, so to read others views on here is very comforting. Thank you.

OP posts:

ReggaePerrin · 20/01/2021 13:22

I have found that the only people who understand are those who have been through it. Someone spoke to me years ago about a similar thing they were going through and although I listened to her and sympathised I didn't actually understand it till I realised I'd been going through the same.

It is all a complete headfuck. There is no making sense of it because none of it makes sense - NPD people think very differently to the rest of us. I felt I was going out of my mind at times but when the fog started clearing once I was away from my ex (and with help from WA) I could see that it wasn't me, it was him. I have never felt so well as I do now, people have commented on how much lighter I look (in spirit, not in weight ).

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 20/01/2021 13:32

Without a doubt OP. My ex husband got in with a crowd of BDSM people and they all encouraged him to leave me as I was a boring vanilla. I went onto their site under an assumed identity and couldn't believe how mu own husband was talking - totally unlike anything I had heard him say before with a weird attitude.
He then left. I refused to take him back later on when his new "friends" didn't work out because I no longer knew him any more. He was not the person I married.

Eckhart · 20/01/2021 13:54

@User4538219

Write down what happened whilst it's fresh in your mind. It'll stop you thinking you're going barmy in the future, if you say something happened that didn't.

Don't question your sanity. He has his perception and you have yours. They don't have to be the same for you to both retain your faith in yourselves. Perceptions are events viewed through the goggles of who you are/what your previous experiences are, etc. The further back they get into 'memory', the more they are tainted by these goggles.

People who choose to question their own sanity instead of the poor behaviour of others are very vulnerable to abuse. Take care of yourself, as a priority.

Wanderlusto · 20/01/2021 14:08

I think it's not fair to imply the chicken cones before the egg. Unfortunately WHEN you are with an abuser you are vulnerable to doubting your sanity. ANYONE is vulnerable to doubting their sanity BECAUSE of abuse. No one starts out doubting their sanity (unless they have a background of serious mental health issues). It's not a go-to mindset. It happens as a result of having your narrative of the world/past constantly questioned and being told you are wrong to think or feel how you do. All it takes is time and proximity to a toxic person.

But pp makes a good suggestion about writing things down. Narcissists often like to change history and they also like to suddenly change their opinions on things. They may defend the opposite view to you on something vehemently and then the very next day (perhaps if you change your view to placate them or if someone else near them mentions the opposite view to them in convo) they may completely uturn. Leaving you wondering if you imagined how passionate they were about the opposite viewpoint just days before. Things like that are worth looking out for.

Wanderlusto · 20/01/2021 14:10

Also, repeating your words back to you word for word - as if it was their original thought. Or as if it was them that had your great idea! Leaving you thinking 'hang on a minute!'.

Eckhart · 20/01/2021 14:18

@Wanderlusto

I think it's not fair to imply the chicken cones before the egg

I didn't and I hope you're not suggesting I did. I agree that the relationship needs to be unhealthy before anybody starts to question their sanity. It is a symptom and not the cause. The point we're starting from though is the point where OP is questioning her sanity, and so it's worth pointing out that that perpetuates abusive relationships.

I think the right response is 'This relationship is making me think I might be going mad, so I am leaving.' rather than 'This relationship is making me think I might be going mad... Oh dear, what if I'm crazy? What did I do wrong? What is wrong with me?' and I think that when abuse happens for (apparently) the first time, it is well worth pointing out the difference to the victim.

Wanderlusto · 20/01/2021 14:33

Obviously you didnt mean to, it was just the word choice was a bit off ('people who choose to question their own sanity...'). But yeh we're on the same page, very good point about considering why when with someone, we are suddenly thinking differently about ourselves when nothing has triggered us to question our sanity before.

AnitaB888 · 20/01/2021 14:45

"When my ex started doing this, he was starting to cheat"

I also experienced unfair criticism and just plain nastiness when my exH started cheating.

Keep your eyes and ears open OP.

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