Can a person's relationship with others affect their primary relationship?

[User4538219]

To what extent can a person's relationships with others affect their perception of their spouse? It's just that when DH and I had a minor argument recently he suddenly seemed to have a radically different opinion of me. He implied that I was a nagging cow who wouldn't let him go out by himself and stated other stuff about me that was blatantly untrue. What he said about me cannot be further from the truth as I am a distinctly unnagging wife (he nags me more, if anything) I am defintely not a cow and always try to be respectful to people, and I have never stopped him from going anywhere.
We have been married for over 25 years and he has never said any of these things before.
After we made up I asked him why he had said those things and first of all he just said he was 'truly sorry' and started crying then later he said he didn't know why he said those things.
I'm wondering if there's another woman on the scene who he might be talking to who might have planted these seeds in his mind? During our argument it was like he was suddenly someone entrirely different and that he thought I was someone entirely different too. Please help if you have any knowledge of this.

"Op I discovered it later down the line. It was a horrible time and I couldn't understand what was happening. With hindsight I now understand that he needed to find things wrong with me so he could justify what he was doing.

Basically, he had to create a version of me in his head that he could resent/hate and moan to others (esp other women) about me, and he used it to flirt with them and have them feel sorry for him."

Been there, got the T-shirt...

Yes I had something similar towards the end of one long term relationship and there was someone else. It was like my ex had a sudden personality transplant and just viewed everything very differently, and re-filtered trivial scenarios so that I was controlling etc.

Her attitude to lots of things suddenly changed - she was much more flippant and mean about other people in general, her taste in music was different, she was eating red meat which she would never touch before and was drinking more which she never used to. As well as the attitudes she even started adopting the mannerisms and vocalisations of the OW. (I was aware because I knew of the OW in question.)

To my mind she was quite manipulated by the OW, and she was at quite a vulnerable point due to the recent death of her dad. But I am sure her take on it was that the OW was opening her eyes up to what an awful person I was. Well if you're being lovebombed by someone new and exciting I guess the lens can change on routine interactions with a boring long term partner!

It was a very hard time for me to be honest, because I was trying to reconcile my understanding of myself with what she was saying, and I was haunted that I was so unaware that I was somehow this horrible person, despite my ex never having had any issues before or there being any indication that anything was amiss, or that she was anything other than steadily happy in the relationship.

But saying anything just plays into the new narrative in their heads. I remember thinking at the time...I can't even try to defend myself or have a discussion about our relationship because that will just be seen as evidence that I'm controlling!

Best of luck with it OP, I don't think it's a foregone conclusion the same scenario is it at work for you, but it may help to hear different experiences. It was the beginning of the end for my relationship, but I made my peace with it as I couldn't be with someone who was suddenly treating me the way she was, coupled with deception of her emotional/ physical? affair with the OW... I knew I had done nothing to deserve that.

@suggestionsplease1 your post has been helpful in triggering some other thoughts. When you say about your partner adopting the OW vocalisations, I did think it odd when he used the phrase 'we're done' during the argument. It's not something I would have expected him to say and it sounded peculiar. I suppose because he's never said anything about ending our relationship, I wouldn't necessarily know how he would phrase it. But when we first got together, our generation would most likely have said 'we're finished' and it confuses me that he has adopted a new vocabulary. I know it's a minor thing but it did sound very strange coming from a man who is nearly 60 who I thought I knew really quite well.

I have been in same situation as many pps. Ex had a new work friend who gradually changed and altered their personality and perspective. My ex was fairly vulnerable at time and the new friend was exciting and fun. I was gradually demonised, things that had always been fine previously was now framed as abusive and controlling with no discussion, explanation or rational. Evertually the relationship broke down and I often wonder how long the new friendship will / did last as I suspect this person will move on to someone new once the novelty of 'saving' someone wears off. Interesting reading the other replies and so many very relatable. The personality change, the crying when challenged etc. Good luck OP, just remember there is very little point trying to be logical and rational with someone who is neither.

Thank you for the reminder Sameoldboat78.