New boyfriend has little interest in sex

[dancingbymyself]

I met someone online at the end of last summer and we had an instant connection. We went from texting every day, to seeing each other every day. At the end of the year he moved in - we were both clear we're in it for the long haul.

It has all been so easy and effortless, apart from one area - sex.

Initially it was great: spontaneous and fun.
When we started spending every night together, he raised that I seemed to expect sex every bedtime, and that he felt under pressure. This was completely fair - a) he's very much a morning person so exhausted by bedtime, and b) my awful baggage is that I have got used to quantity of sex as an indicator of how much someone likes me.

Since then, I have completely backed off and not initiated, but it just means we are barely having sex once a week. I know he's even resisted full on kissing in case it's led to anything.

Last night I made a comment whilst watching a show about sex, and it has upset him. We've had a talk this morning about it.

He feels his life has been turned upside down, and with a new home, the pandemic, work stresses, he is struggling to feel in the mood. He also wants sex to feel spontaneous, but that's so difficult when I'm now scared of him feeling under pressure.

It feels like we've just had a major misstep over this and I have no idea how to get it back. We both see a real future together and it's so frustrating that we can't seem to get this back on track.

Any suggestions? I really don't want this to be a big thing, but I also feel really crappy that I'm trying to find ways to get my new boyfriend keen to sleep with me!

These are very strange times . Maybe when you're both a bit more back to normal and going out to work and seeing friends things will settle into a better pattern? If things are all great in other areas you should at least try for a few months when things are normal. If it doesn't work better then you should end it . And you'll know then that you gave it your best shot .

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone for their views. I'm a very private person and wouldn't talk to my friends about this, and then I realised I could ask on here.

It does look as though pandemic life has made us lose our minds and we've rushed things. But it really did feel like one of those 'when you know, you know' moments, and I've never had that with anyone else or moved so quickly.

I'll be really sad if that's what fucks things up for us as it has otherwise felt so good.

Going to have a little cry and then I guess all I can do is try and relax about it and see what happens.

And probably come on here crying to you all again if it doesn't work out. I'm 38 and he's 43, and we did both feel like we'd got so lucky at finally meeting our person.

Ok, firstly how old are you? I think that affects things quite a bit. I’m assuming you’re both quite young, ie under 40. My and DH are in our forties and have been together a long while, and honestly daily sex sounds awful. Twice a week ish is great for us and we still fancy each other like mad, but the initial dating stage we were at it like rabbits, so I think you do have an issue here.

That being the case, it’s understandable in a way as you have gone from the excitement of dating, the longing and distance of being apart, to moving straight into a domestic set up that removes any breathing space to create desire. You can’t even go to a restaurant and have a proper date night to get the desire flowing. It’s probably all gone really flat for him, not because of you but because of how life is at the moment generally for all of us.
His comment about wanting spontaneous sex says it all - the domestic routine is deflating his desire and potentially his erection.

Make date nights at home, create the desire. Do something unexpected and surprise him. Be creative. Sounds like it’s all become a bit dull and Darby and Joan before it’s time.
Perhaps your partner does have a lower sex drive, but there’s nothing like moving from the tantalising desire of dating to the domestic drudgery of shared bills and laundry.

@Soozikinzii thank you for the positive thinking! I am encouraging him to go to the office more (he has to work there some days anyway) and to go to his music studio as he's lost all of his routine, and he's now in my flat - that must feel very hard for him. And I am normally out most evenings so I am probably putting too much onto this. Thank you.

OP have you seen those challenges where people have sex every single day for 30 days? It might sound like a great idea but unless your sex drive is very very high, it's not realistic or actually very enjoyable once you're about halfway in. I urge you to watch a few videos on YouTube, people get rather sore and grumpy.

I echo PPs that you've moved too fast. Is this Covid's doing, or do you often move in with people this quickly in relationships?

I think if he's stressed then you can't really put pressure on him. Are you willing to wait until life returns to normal?

But maybe you are just incompatible. A friend of mine has recently ended a 5 year relationship because of a lack of sex. Her ex said he had a high sex drive and wanted to boink every day. He didn't. She was like you, trying to pander to him, walking on eggshells, sex blew up into this enormous, stressful thing, her confidence was knocked.

Sent that before and meant to. And just read your ages...I think that does change things a bit as I’m really not sure many people in their forties want it daily.

Stick with my main comments though that probably the change in circumstances has dampened desire a bit and maybe he feels under pressure if you want it more than him.

Give it some time, but if it doesn’t improve I think you need to consider if you can live like that, especially as you’ve only been together a matter of months.

@WilsonMilson you have an excellent turn of phrase

Yes, you're right. We're having lots of fun but it's not romantic per se. And we're not able to go out and do the things we love and love seeing in each other - we're both very active people with lots of hobbies that have been put on hold.

I also have had a few relatives hospitalised with covid and a death recently, so that's all been quite heavy too, thinking about it.

We're 38 and 43. Twice a week would be great thinking about it! Because you're right, I fancy him soooo much but I don't necessarily have the energy for daily or regular sex right now.

Relationships just don't go from "infrequent sex" to "frequent sex" down the line.

They do if it's situational in my experience. And there are so many situations that can lower someone's sex drive, of which work stress in a global pandemic is certainly one.

They don't if it's just a case of mismatched libido to begin with but given the likelihood that this is situational, I don't think it's cut-and-run time yet.

He feels we should be able to sense if the other is up for it or not.

Lots of people, especially when young, definitely have a romantic idea in their heads that sex should be telepathic like that... that it's all about just sensing when the other person's up for it, wordless chemistry in bed etc etc. I blame corny sex scenes on film. At some point you learn that if you want good sex you have to use your words to say when you want it, to direct hands etc into the right places. Yes this is awkward especially for repressed British men but the rewards are there!

@TheBeesKnee in my last relationship, he wanted a ex three times a day (and I didn't particularly fancy him which is a different story), so I think my expectations have been skewed. I've been with a few men who saw me as a trophy.

I can definitely wait for life to go back to normal. I have such a lovely time with him and I keep trying to remind myself to enjoy not feeling pressured to have lots of sex!

Oh, and have never moved this fast before. I think covid has created the circumstances, but from very early on we said this felt different.

@gannett you are fab . I really think it is situational, I just haven't known how to get it back in track.

The sex we have is amazing because he is so intuitive. Interestingly he is a very artistic/sensitive South American! He generally hates to do anything if it becomes an expectation, so not just sex. Generally it works well for us as we're both independent and spontaneous people.

Are you looking to have DC at some point?

@Respectabitch, no, neither of us want kids. That was one of the attractions to each other - we both like to spend time having adventures, lots of interests, and have built very similar lives for ourselves.

It definitely sounds like you're mismatched. Your sex drive for sure, but maybe also enjoyment of the sex you're having. It may be great for you but he might not be enjoying it. Is there anything he's said he enjoys in particular? Maybe if you make sure you're both giving and getting equally, it'll be more enjoyable for you both.

Him saying he wants sex daily at the beginning of the relationship could have just been a fib. Maybe he felt pressured to say that but really his sex drive is low. Could it be performance problems/worries?

My husband is 42 and sex has definitely become more frequent and enjoyable the further we get into our relationship because we're very well matched and know what each other like. There's no set rule for who wants sex, where they want it and when and it is very common for a great relationship to fail in the sex department.

Could you ask him straight out if he just doesn't enjoy sex? It could be that he doesn't want to offend you. It does seem to me that there's more behind this than him just feeling a bit off.

@Lucieintheskye I actually asked him exactly that this morning! He said he really does, and I absolutely believe that - he is very much in the moment when we're in bed. Very passionate, cares that I am having pleasure too.

That said, he is quite a shy, gentle man, so I initiated our dates, it took him forever to first kiss me. Our first time in bed was sweet but awkward, and the sex itself has genuinely got better and better ever since.

I think it's just become 'a thing' and I don't know how to get rid of the tension he feels around it.

Hi @dancingbymyself, I really feel for you. It's a difficult situation we are in. You don't know if what you feel is normal anymore or whether it's the pandemic. I don't know if you have ever heard of Esther Perel before, she's an American psychologist and she talks a lot about how to keep desire alive in the long run. How many couples fail at that because to be intimate, you need to get to know the person but actually you also require distance to maintain desire. I think her solution to maintaining desire in the long term is NOT to depend on the other person to create that desire in you but for you to nurture that desire within yourself. Other psycologists have talked about this relationship conundrum in different ways. But it's obviously an issue in many relationships! Have a look, it's good to have another perspective: www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship?language=en.

I also think from the sounds of it, you guys have moved in too soon and too fast. And if he is what you say he is, he sounds like he is really missing his old life and trust me (I've been married!), domesticity does breed contempt.

My current boyfriend and I have been dating since July and we went exclusive in October and we also experienced that acceleration of relationship many relationships have experienced in the pandemic. It's not just you! I have children (they are not little though) and there was no way he would have met them in normal circumstances. In the 8 years since I split with my ex, they have only met ONE person I have ever dated, I keep that very separate. But he has met my ex, his wife and my kids too.

He spends half the week here. I miss his terribly when he is not here. But I am well aware the distance we currently in those days apart is actually very beneficial. We both get to concentrate on getting our work/job done. His flatmate is very musical (so is he) so they jam together sometimes. He also has a workplace he can go to to work. We exercise together too but also when apart. When we get together, we have sex pretty much every day (sometimes twice a day). Sex between us has gotten much better. He used to take ages to come (sorry if TMI) but now it is so much easier...). However much I desire him and love sex, I would NOT want to feel obliged to have sex every day!

You both sound fun and creative. Do you make plans to have fun dates? I do realise we are in lockdown but my boyfriend and I dress up and do our own silly fun photoshoots. We also have our own lockdown parties (just the two of us!). We are training for our own half marathon. We are looking to get karaoke on the TV. And also planning a couples quiz. But do also encourage him to do stuff by himself. It sounds like you are putting so much pressure to make things fun and easy for him. That's not what a relationship is about too. My boyfriend is doing DIY around the house for me but we make sure we restrict the time we do that as I don't want him to feel like he comes over only to 'do jobs'. It's a tricky business and good luck!

I'd drop the negative self talk for a start. If it's something you've done, or if it's because of your baggage, those things are still part of who you are, and who you need him to love and want. And I'd drop the insecurity about initiating. If you're the one with the higher sex drive, sometimes he's going to say no. You have to be ok with that. As long as he's not insulting you or being unpleasant about saying no, that's a normal thing that happens in normal relationships, not something that happens to you because you have baggage or too high a sex drive.

You're trying to find ways to get him to have sex with you... that's a skewed way of looking at the problem. The other side of the coin is that you need to find ways to respect his sexual preferences without it impacting on your self esteem. That's not about getting him to do something different, that's about you working on yourself.

There's a chance you're not sexually compatible, but highly compatible otherwise, and awareness of this has to be one option on the table at all times, to be sure that you give the right amount of priority on your sexual relationship. If he said to you now 'I don't want to have sex for 6 months', would your response be 'It's over'? If not, work out just how important this issue is, and how long you're willing to give yourselves to resolve it to your mutual satisfaction.

OP, does he know that your ideal amount of sex is more tied to the fact that this was how you used to feel assured in past relationships, rather than your actual sex drive? Apologies if I've got that wrong!

@Eckhart I actually offered to take sex off the table altogether, and he was very much 'absolutely not!'.

I think he wants sex but now it's become a thing. I'd actually be fine with him saying no, but it's now him that doesn't want to be put in the position of saying no to me, because he's worried about making me feel bad.

And that's because even if I tried to hide it, it did make me feel bad at first because I didn't know why. And he's so sensitive, he'd always pick up on my disappointment.

I really like what you say about reframing it. I don't want to make him have sex, I just want him to know there's no pressure - but I definitely did put some pressure on it at first.

I don't know how to get us out of this, but it is also helping me to see that it's exceptional times and maybe we can just let it be for a while. It's not a deal breaker for me, it's more that we're not moving on from the original upset about it.

@SomewhereInbetween1 yes, and I think that's made it worse! Rather than it just being 'she fancies sex more than me this week' it's become 'her entire self worth and feelings about her relationship hinge on whether I have sex with her so how can I turn her down or give her a kiss without wanting more when it means all that'?!

@dancingbymyself three time’s a DAY with your ex? Your poor fanjo, makes me wince to think about it. Also, who has that sort of time?!

@TwoBoysTooMany76 thank you for sharing your experience. So nice to hear someone else is experiencing new relationships differently right now!

We do do lots of activities and plan nice treats etc. I think the reality is he misses the structure of pre pandemic life. He used to go to the gym twice a day, now he feels tired and lethargic etc. I've encouraged him to do classes at home with me but it's just not his vibe.

Our day to day life is really nice - I asked him the other day what his perfect day would be, and he said 'yesterday'! What did we do? Went for a long run, made a lovely brunch, he practised music in the afternoon and then we watched a film in the evening. It doesn't feel too much drudgery as we have no kids, we're both clean and tidy people etc.

Congrats on your relationship and it sounds like you have a great balance too. I am going to try and think of some different activities that night energise him a little :-)

I think that's the root of it. Your past has made it a reflection of your worth and a measure of your partner's interest in you, which means sex is likely to become an issue in all relationships until you work through this with a professional.

@WilsonMilson late at night . I was knackered and he saw me as a toy to play with. It was gross and we only lasted 6 months thank god!

@TwoBoysTooMany76 oh and I love Esther Perel, yes - might go see her pandemic specific podcasts. Thank you for the reminder