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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New lodger- help me tell them they need to leave

58 replies

Helpagirloutt · 19/01/2021 22:11

Hi everyone

Sorry if this is not the right place as it is not relationship based. Sounds silly but I am feeling really quite uncomfortable with how to approach things with lodger. Basically he moved in only a couple of weeks ago, and at first he seemed fine , some differences, but nothing huge.

I have slowly began to realise though that he does drink a lot, and he is also a heavy cannabis smoker. He smokes outside, but the smell comes from his room where he stores it. Now this is where I may be flamed... I am worried I sent the wrong message to him as I have once smoked with him (before I realised he did not just smoke occasionally) so now I feel awkward about saying to him that the smell does bother me.

He has been drinking occasionally in the day and always does of a night, and smokes pretty often throughout the day and night. He was waking me being up all night but I have ear plugs now so this is mostly fine, but some very late nights can be disturbing.

Essentially, he obviously needs to leave. He has always been calm with me, but I know he has had a physical fight with family recently while drunk. I wonder how to explain to him that it is not working. He has complex mental health and clearly is always under the influence of something. I do feel awful as he’s been making himself at hole buying things etc. but I really cannot do this. He has not shown any aggression to me so I was shocked he got into a fight, and I don’t envisage him being aggressive to me but I can’t be sure as I do not know him really. I would therefore like to avoid any personal reasons or get into his alcohol or deug issues, so how would people suggest I phrase it?

I will need to relist the room as I need the money. I could wait until he is gone if it will make it worse if he sees me relisting, but would prefer not to. I have to give him one months notice.

Thanks!

OP posts:

Original poster

Helpagirloutt · 21/01/2021 11:31

Yes, I wrote a 3 month contract. I did not include a break clause as honestly did not anticipate needing someone out sooner.. I felt like 3 months would fly by. This is a real lesson for future, and I will he looking for female only.

OP posts:

Arobase · 21/01/2021 14:30

You need to lay down the law about the cannabis. If it were found in your house you could be criminally liable.

ExtraSettings · 21/01/2021 15:28

Honest, OP, yes you may need to look into the legalities - to be absolutely sure.

But PLEEEEAAAAASE you don't need to give him a reason!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just get shot of him asap.

Just say its not working for you, you realise you need your quiet and to live alone.

(especially you are a woman living with a man, and you need to be comfortable and feel safe).

Don't get into the drugs and alcohol or any other reasons or issues and don't give him a chance to "change" his habits by promising this or that. Stick to "its not working" for you and you prefer to live alone. He sounds a nightmare. Give him the minimum notice legally required.

If he causes problems in any way during his day or week or month's notice period, I would seek legal advice again to get him moved earlier.

Either way, once he's moved out, remember to change your locks.

Try to be positive, it won't be forever.

Lesson learnt!

ExtraSettings · 21/01/2021 15:30

p.s. once you've found out the legalities, then tell him! Say sorry its not working for you, but be pleasant and confident!

ExtraSettings · 21/01/2021 15:33

If it were me I would consult a solicitor experienced in this department. Might cost you £200 - but worth it if it saves you a lot of money and hassle in the long run. You need to know where you stand and then you can act with confidence. As he has the potential to be difficult from what you are saying.

MaelyssQ · 21/01/2021 16:08

If you feel that you can stick it out until March then do so, but learn from this experience and lay down some very firm ground rules when you advertise for your next lodger. I would be very uncomfortable as a single woman, having an unknown male living in my home. If it was a guy I knew from work, or a friend of a friend, it would be different. Otherwise I would stipulate female applicants only, non-smoker, must be in work.

Rainbowshine · 21/01/2021 16:24

Can I just say, remember you are the person with the power in this situation. It’s your house and he’s there under a license, not a tenancy. Yes speak to CA and I agree having someone there when you speak to him would be strongly advised.

He’s actually given you a good “in” to the conversation, he’s expecting to alter furniture??!! He’s obviously got a different expectation of what the arrangement is, and that he needs to find somewhere else. Tell him that and that “ I’m giving you x time as notice for you to move out, and as long as in the remaining time you don’t create any damage you can have your deposit back in full. I do expect you to consider the feedback already given about noise at night and being considerate that it’s my home.”

Original poster

Helpagirloutt · 21/01/2021 16:51

Today was quite eventful in a number of ways, and growing more concerned about things. I have approached him for a gentle conversation and I think he may well be in a manic episode of bipolar, from what he said. Still does not change how uncomfortable I am feeling, and yes at points today unsafe as he has been aggressive towards neighbours. I will look into the legalities definitely, and I am in two minds of approaching his mum as she loves local, and expressing my concerns for him. Not sure if that’s too far given he is an adult, but I am just wanting this over. Or at the least ask the situation as I think I need to know.

OP posts:

Rainbowshine · 21/01/2021 16:59

If you’re that concerned I would suggest calling the police or ambulance depending on what is happening so that they can handle it. You’re his landlady - you have neither the experience or qualifications to assist him with this and should not put yourself in a position where you or anyone else expects that. So don’t take him back in if there’s any talk of “looking after him for a few days” or care or anything like that. Don’t contact his mum. The hospital or police would do that if it’s appropriate.

YesMeLady · 21/01/2021 17:06

Smoking cannabis wont help his mental state, if he is experiencing mania, being aggressive to the ndn I would call the police and any medical help.

C0NNIE · 21/01/2021 22:02

Give him written notice as required in your contact and email / text it too, so you have evidence.

Do NOT give any reason, beyond something general like “ it’s not working for me “ or “ our lifestyles age incompatible “.

If he is aggressive or threatening call then police.

Try to get a written statement from the neighbours about the incident. Even just email them and say “ I’m just writing to check I understand what happened with X on Y date. Then write everything they told you and ask them to reply to let you know if that’s right.

Keep all the emails.

Did you take up references for your lodger and if not why not?

wirldsgonemad · 21/01/2021 22:20

You could start to send some signals now like your kept me awake till 2am last night coming in and out of the house, can you not do that please?' And if thought you were just an occasional smoker of pot, not every night?'. Or 'I'm realising how different we are seeing you smoking and drinking every night'

A few barbed comments like that will give him some warning so he understands.

Would you be happy to live with him if he only drank or smoked occasionally? If so you should offer that.

HollowTalk · 21/01/2021 22:25

I'm not sure about the legalities but I'd rather pay him to get out.

2021isalsorubbish · 21/01/2021 22:25

@Helpagirloutt have messaged you

Original poster

Helpagirloutt · 21/01/2021 23:06

So tonight he really scared me, acting very intense and he came into my room and kept sort of lunging toward me.

I felt very unsafe and managed to get him to leave and said he was scaring me. I have left and taken some things with me for tonight and will return tomorrow with support to tell him to leave. I don’t care about legality he has overstepped the line and knows he was scaring me I was visibly shaking.

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 21/01/2021 23:17

Get the police to help you...please do not handle this by yourself. If he is in an elated manic phase coupled with drugs he could be very dangerous and the police will take this seriously

Original poster

Helpagirloutt · 21/01/2021 23:19

Yes I will consider that in the morning. I will have my dad supporting me. As far as he knows I am in my room as I grabbed things and left when he went to smoke, so for tonight he will not be aware and will deal with it tomorrow and he needs to be gone with locks changed asap.

OP posts:

seensome · 21/01/2021 23:20

I would ask police to escort him out tonight, who knows what he might do to your house while you're not there.

ScienceSensibility · 21/01/2021 23:25

How in God’s name did you end up with this guy as a lodger?

Did you know him before? Were you persuaded by someone to take him in? If so. Could that person help you get rid of him?

You sound a bit too laid back about it, OP. Your latest post where he entered your room and lunged at you is very worrying. You should call the police and get him out that way.

Next time, females only and always take up references from previous places. You are letting a complete stranger into your home!

Original poster

Helpagirloutt · 21/01/2021 23:32

I’m definitely not feeling relaxed about it I am quite shaken up. I just wanted to leave asap and not be there when he returned. I know that is stupid but it was not safe, and realistically he did not commit a crime so I feel unsure on what the police would do in the moment. It didn’t cross my mind to be honest I just grabbed and got out quick.

I have been very stupid and naive with him, he 100% came across fine in interview I spend a good 40 mins- 1 hour talking to him to consider him. The first week even he seemed fine. I found him on spare room. I am late twenties and have lived with men throughout my twenties, along with women usually, but to be honest I have been stupid. I will not do this again and female only with references.

OP posts:

CrotchBurn · 21/01/2021 23:33

Fucking hell man! Whatever happens tomorrow dont spend a single other night with him

Carryingon · 21/01/2021 23:37

You need to report this to the police now.

PreyingMantlepiece · 21/01/2021 23:37

It's NOW that you need to be ringing the police. And they can remove him tonight. They may be able to get him the help he needs as well. Please ring them. I know it's late and you're tired but you don't know what he might do to your home and he may discover you've gone and who knows what is going through his head

CriticalWoman · 22/01/2021 11:50

In my previous posts I said lodgers do have legal rights under contract - to correct the misapprehension by some PP that they don't have any rights at all.
But your situation is putting you in danger, do take steps to get him out asap and contact the police, you do not have to put up with his behaviour.

Roberta268 · 22/01/2021 12:02

I agree - call the police and have him removed. I was in a very similar situation once with a heavy weed smoker “lunging” at me while he was high. I managed to get away and think I narrowly avoided a sexual assault.

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