Everyone expects a relationship with our baby

[firsttimemumannoyed]

This will probably be incredibly long so I apologise in advance. Me and DH will be welcoming our first baby in a few weeks via ELCS (this is for a number of reasons). We live in the same area as my family and DH’s family all live on the opposite side of the city.

Basically, my family (mum in particular) are being extremely pushy about being very involved with baby once they arrive. I have 2 siblings (one younger one older) and my mum is unbearable. We decided to tell my mum I was having a C Section and straight away she started talking about telling my sibling/their partner and my other sibling. She pulled her face and could not understand it when I told her not to, that we were coming to terms with it and preparing ourselves and didn’t feel anybody else needed to know.

Youngest sibling and their partner live with my parents and basically take the piss. They have (or had if you asked my parents which is a lie but that’s a whole other thread) a drug problem and have caused innumerable problems over the last 2 years including bringing drug dealers to the door asking for money etc. And my mum and dad just keep forgiving them. They have a good job and earn plenty of money. Their partner does too yet they live it up pissing money up the wall and acting like my elderly parents’ house is their house. They pay a tiny amount of rent and my mum does their washing etc which I think is a joke. They are incredibly disrespectful. My sibling’s partner has never liked me and feels “intimidated” by me (according to my mother) and did not react well when I announced my pregnancy and has acted very strange ever since. Neither of them have ever asked me or DH about scans, how the pregnancy is going, nor have they been to visit us or attempted to get in touch or reach out, yet will say to my parents how they can’t wait for the baby to be born and they (and my mum) seem to think that they are going to be heavily involved with the baby. I do not want them around my child and my mum seems to think I should be allowing them to be “uncle and auntie” even though I don’t have a real relationship with them myself.

Eldest sibling is mid-thirties, never had a partner (or any sort of relationship) and relies on my mum and dad to do everything for them. They lived with them until a couple of years back and have only very recently moved into their own place. They can’t do the most basic of tasks (e.g ordering something online) and there are a number of other problems I have with them which are too vile to list. My mum is always telling me to message them, get in touch with them, let them come and visit (which we did for a while when the lockdown wasn’t in effect but it was unbearable, they have terrible personal hygiene and no social skills and will sit there for 3 hours not taking the hint of when to leave but making no attempt at conversation etc). My mum said earlier that they had bought a gift for the baby so she didn’t like to “keep excluding them” but we have never asked for anything from them, nor did we expect a gift and honestly I don’t know why they have bought one (if they have). We sent them a Christmas card out of courtesy and they never acknowledged it or said thank you and the last time we saw them was months ago. I also wouldn’t be comfortable accepting any gift (we don’t have a relationship and I don’t want one with them and with the way they live I would not feel safe accepting a gift that they had kept in their home as it would only mean more washing for us etc as they live in filth).

My mum treats me like a child and expects me to give her every detail of my life and I feel pressured into telling her things. She expects to speak several times a day and I feel pressured into answering her calls and responding to messages because she would probably turn up at the door if I didn’t. She goes on about having the baby (meaning unattended at their house) all the time which isn’t something we would be comfortable with and gets quite nasty if I try and put my foot down. She also acts like DH’s family don’t exist and will openly say things like how she doesn’t see MIL as the baby’s grandma, how they can’t do this that and the other etc. This really annoys and upsets DH as she’s erasing his family and thinks she’s the only grandparent or relative that matters. This is really threatening our relationship and she does not respect the fact I don’t want my siblings etc to know every detail of my life and don’t want them involved with the baby when they don’t even have a relationship with me or my husband.

I don’t know what else I can possibly say to her because she makes me feel guilty and will turn nasty or cry if I try and put my foot down. I’m sick of doing things to please other people and trying to remain civil at the cost of my own feelings. I am heavily pregnant, in pain, we are preparing for a caesarean and becoming parents and we really don’t need this. DH’s family haven’t been pushy at all and have asked us if we need anything to let them know, they will respect our wishes with regards to visits etc (obviously COVID is also affecting all of this) and it’s been great but my family are a constant source of anxiety and annoyance. I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to cut them off completely (my dad just agrees with whatever my mum says/does for an easy life) but I do not feel like our feelings are respected or even taken into account, it’s like we are just there to facilitate my mum being a grandma (it’s her first grandchild).

Again, apologies for the length of this!! I will be incredibly grateful if anyone reads it or takes the time to reply.

I don’t know what else I can possibly say to her because she makes me feel guilty and will turn nasty or cry if I try and put my foot down. I’m sick of doing things to please other people and trying to remain civil at the cost of my own feelings

It’s so hard to break that obligation, I know, but once you start doing it it honestly does become easier. You are in charge. It’s your baby. You do not have to be pushed around by your family. Say No. You’re not obliged to give explanations.

Give your mum as little details as possibly and lie if you need to.

In the longterm, I’d definitely be looking at moving away. Be strong - easier said than done, but I bet you’re stronger than you think.

Wow OP. Firstly congratulations on the baby.

Your mum controls you because you let her. You are the only one who can stop this. It's hard, and you could do without it while pg, but try to let it wash over you. Text message or WhatsApp might be easier, don't ameliorate it by saying you know it's just because she cares bla bla. Just say it straight, you're a grown up, she's controlling and it stops now, the baby will not be unattended with her or in her home. Stuck to it, refuse her calls for a while, ignore the emotional blackmail or get your DH to screen your messages. Sorry OP but the only way this will stop is if you make it stop.

Sounds like long term you might want to move to live near your DH's family. There is a lot of stuff there - but it sounds like your main problem is with your mum. I have copied and pasted the lines you wrote about your siblings below - you said they haven't contacted you but your MUM said they want to be heavily involved. Honestly, you are overthinking this bit. If they havent contacted you, your mum is making it up about them wanting to be involved, or its unlikely they are as interested in your baby as you think they are.
It sounds like you don't like your mother or your siblings. Not wanting your siblings to know things suggests you have a huge back story with them and don't like them. If you don't want to have a relationship with your family you don't have to. You can decide to go low or no contact.

Neither of them have ever asked me or DH about scans, how the pregnancy is going, nor have they been to visit us or attempted to get in touch or reach out, yet will say to my parents how they can’t wait for the baby to be born and they (and my mum) seem to think that they are going to be heavily involved with the baby.

It's my mum's first grandchild and I feel awful preventing her from having a relationship with the baby (and us) but she doesn't seem to acknowledge or respect any of my boundaries no matter how often I lay them out or repeat them. She actually laughed in my face recently when I reiterated the fact that my siblings won't really be involved in my child's life.

This is what you need to say, and just grey rock it.

I can see parallels with some of my ILs: the over-controlling mother who tried to dominate her children’s free time when they were adults and had their own significant others/families and the abusive golden-child relative who that everyone was encouraged to fawn over.

Roll on years later and the relative has been ostracised after abuse came to light, one sibling has shaken off maternal control only for the oldest to take over the mother’s role and try to control their younger siblings’ families.

OP, you are an adult living your own life. Your DH and baby are your family unit, the important ones in your life, who matter to you. Get your DH on-side with you and follow PotenitalScrooge’s advice.

It is very difficult to break away but If you don’t put some boundaries in place then all this shit will keep going on and blight your lives for years, and possibly tone of your siblings will take over your mother’s role and keep it going.

Possibly one

You have had loads of great advice on here and you certainly do not need to maintain anything including relationships with the siblings. She seems as though the baby and by virtue you (because you do as your TOLD) are the going to be the peace maker and the glue to fix the family. Follow the advice given about boundaries and slowly build the boundaries and put actions into place but ultimately as I reminded my mother, it is my name on the birth certificate not hers. You have a door, lock it, keep the key in if she has done. Shut the blinds so she can't see in. Put your phone on mute if you dont want to switch it off. House phone, unplug it. She can't get to you to speak unless you let her. She laughed in your face about your baby seeing the family because she thinks she can, time to change it. And yes obviously never ever allow unsupervised access near your older sibling and her too if she is likely to go near him with the baby. Good luck

My best as advice as someone who suffers with my husbands family...

Set your boundaries now and STICK TO THEM. Try and make it fair between both families. Eg, if you say no to one you say to to the other.

Move away!

It seems you don’t have the strength mentally to detach from your dm - you sound so enmeshed with her. I would honestly look at moving as far away as possible if she has such a negative impact on your life.

Sleep deprived, baby has just fallen asleep and you try to have a quick nap but now it’s “Mother’s call time

Just no.

@firsttimemumannoyed I second every word of what @Potentialscrooge said. Sums it up totally.

I am not in your situation but I too have a mum that feels like I need to share every tiny detail of my life with her. It is way easier for me, because we live in different countries and both my parents and parents in law are very respectful of the boundaries. They met the baby and were helpful and I am extremely lucky to have both sides of my family so well behaved.

All I can say is - say as little as possible. And one very important thing. Your husband needs to be the one you go with. He and you need to be a team, he needs to support you and you need to listen to him. He is right. Stop picking up the phone. Do not call, do not answer, do not share. Your baby, your choices. Please don't let your controlling mother guilt-trip you into losing the most precious of times, when all you should be doing is focusing on your own family. You owe her nothing. Nothing. You are nice and respectful but you are your own person. Not hers to be directed around.

Good luck.

There are two different things here - dealing with what happened in the past and taking control/setting boundaries of what you want to happen in future.

It sounds like support through counselling to deal with upsetting things that happened in your childhood would be a good thing for you.

For the future, you're establishing a new family that will work by your rules. You're probably dealing with a deep-seated fear that you will replicate what happened in your own childhood. Decide on boundaries that show you are in control of this family.

You don't need to decide all this from the get-go. Decide what you will do in terms of the immediate birth/first few months, then you will have a better idea of what you're comfortable with.

Is emigrating an option?

Well allowing 2 people who you know have a drug problem contact with your baby at all let alone being an active aunt and uncle would be extremely neglectful of you. How would explain that to ss? Oh well my mum pressured me? You are the parent and need to be making the decisions best for baby. Why would people expect so much contact during a pandemic anyway! Just start telling them no. You're going to upset people anyway aren't you when you are shipping your baby off to grannies at x days/weeks old or when your DHs family also want a relationship with your baby. You need to stop telling your mum info that you don't want shared. Your family keep showing who they are but you keep trying to appease them. Have you had any therapy around this? You are pregnant and should be being looked after not trying to please others. Agree some boundaries with your DH and stick to them. Move house, talk to your mum less, stop sharing into, limit visits. Whatever you agree

I think you need to figure out what relationship you are happy with, put those boundaries in place and get your other half to help maintain those boundaries when the baby is born.

Stop telling your mum things eg. the c section date. She seems to feel awkward not telling your siblings and this then avoids it happening. We didn't tell anyone except my PIL about my section date and that was because we needed them to let the dogs out for us.

People will fall into line when the baby is here. They can't force a relationship. You just need to make sure you are assertive enough to maintain the boundaries you put in place. Families are difficult, you don't have to have them in your life and you can't change them, but you can change how you respond to them.