I've been with bf for over a year now but about 10 months in I found out he'd been cheating on me with his ex the whole relationship. Obviously I was devastated and immediately ended things, didn't see or speak to him again for a few weeks until he came over to pick up all the stuff he'd left in my house.
Well one thing let to another and even though I was still furious with him I stupidly agreed to give things another go. He promised me, repeatedly, to my face, that nothing was happening with them anymore and I didn't have to worry about her.
Since then things have been great when he's here, we've made plans for the future, done a lot of talking and it's been ok. But when he isn't here he goes long periods of time without contacting me and I've told him repeatedly that this freaks me out because I'm terrified he's gone back to her/is with her. I've literally begged him to talk to me and reassure me. He always eventually gets back in touch with some stupid story and tells me everything is fine.
Well, reader, you guessed it. He is still cheating. Turns out basically every time he isn't with me he's with her, his mum confirmed it all to me. She's known about it this whole time and never said anything but says she thinks he's disgusting and is ashamed of his behaviour. She is fully on my side and hates his ex.
To make matters even worse my only friend is a mutual friend of ours who actually introduced me to him and also knows his ex well. They all hang out in the same social circle so I really have no one to talk to about anything to do with this.
I'm so hurt. I'm humiliated and feel worthless, pathetic and fucking stupid for believing all his lies. I want to message his ex and tell her everything as he has obviously been lying to both of us but there's no way she will leave him anyway so there's really no point. I don't even want to have any contact with her at all. She knew about me and continued to do what she was doing so she's a scumbag too and I owe her nothing.
I've sent him a message basically ended it (again) but what do I do now? It's fucking lockdown and I have no job, no family, no friends except someone who I can't discuss it with or it will get back to his ex. I'm just sitting here crying all day wondering why I'm not good enough for anyone to love me and trying desperately not to drink myself to death.
I want to channel this into something positive but I have no motivation or desire to do anything. I have no money. I don't know what to do next. At least in previous heartbreaks I'd had friends to talk it over with or work to distract me. Now I just have endless hours to fill.
Could really use a handhold x