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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dump him and be alone or stick it out even though I know it won't change?

39 replies

donecomplaining · 19/01/2021 17:42

I've been with bf for over a year now but about 10 months in I found out he'd been cheating on me with his ex the whole relationship. Obviously I was devastated and immediately ended things, didn't see or speak to him again for a few weeks until he came over to pick up all the stuff he'd left in my house.

Well one thing let to another and even though I was still furious with him I stupidly agreed to give things another go. He promised me, repeatedly, to my face, that nothing was happening with them anymore and I didn't have to worry about her.

Since then things have been great when he's here, we've made plans for the future, done a lot of talking and it's been ok. But when he isn't here he goes long periods of time without contacting me and I've told him repeatedly that this freaks me out because I'm terrified he's gone back to her/is with her. I've literally begged him to talk to me and reassure me. He always eventually gets back in touch with some stupid story and tells me everything is fine.

Well, reader, you guessed it. He is still cheating. Turns out basically every time he isn't with me he's with her, his mum confirmed it all to me. She's known about it this whole time and never said anything but says she thinks he's disgusting and is ashamed of his behaviour. She is fully on my side and hates his ex.

To make matters even worse my only friend is a mutual friend of ours who actually introduced me to him and also knows his ex well. They all hang out in the same social circle so I really have no one to talk to about anything to do with this.

I'm so hurt. I'm humiliated and feel worthless, pathetic and fucking stupid for believing all his lies. I want to message his ex and tell her everything as he has obviously been lying to both of us but there's no way she will leave him anyway so there's really no point. I don't even want to have any contact with her at all. She knew about me and continued to do what she was doing so she's a scumbag too and I owe her nothing.

I've sent him a message basically ended it (again) but what do I do now? It's fucking lockdown and I have no job, no family, no friends except someone who I can't discuss it with or it will get back to his ex. I'm just sitting here crying all day wondering why I'm not good enough for anyone to love me and trying desperately not to drink myself to death.

I want to channel this into something positive but I have no motivation or desire to do anything. I have no money. I don't know what to do next. At least in previous heartbreaks I'd had friends to talk it over with or work to distract me. Now I just have endless hours to fill.

Could really use a handhold x

OP posts:
donecomplaining · 19/01/2021 17:42

Sorry for the essay 😞

OP posts:
Sideorderofchips · 19/01/2021 17:45

Are you sure he was cheating on you or using you to cheat on her?

Respectabitch · 19/01/2021 17:45

Look for a job, anything. Volunteer to help with the vaccination programme. Take some work in a supermarket or as a delivery driver. Anything. But make sure you connect with people and get out. If you can't do anything else, make sure you walk outside every day.

People will hand hold on here.

I'm sorry he was such a cheating dickbag.

donecomplaining · 19/01/2021 17:49

@Sideorderofchips well he told me
I was his gf. Referred to me as such. When I met his family he referred to me as his gf. So I assumed I was.

Tbf though he was probably telling her the same thing so six of one..

OP posts:
seensome · 19/01/2021 17:50

Be alone, better that than being used by a cheating scumbag, there is nothing wrong with you and you are worthy of love, unfortunately some men are never happy with one woman, he disrespected and used you both, break the cycle now, your future self will thank you for it.

mildlymiffed · 19/01/2021 17:54

Run for the hills.

Do some courses, get really fit, volunteer.... anything other than be with him.

Do this for yourself.

donecomplaining · 19/01/2021 18:02

I know I need to do it. I know. For my sanity and any shred of self esteem I have left. As my username will suggest, I'm fed up of complaining about him, he isn't the person I thought he was.

I'm just so sad. I really thought he was a good one and that we had a chance. All around me I see people break up relationships and almost instantly get another one who is great for them and loves them dearly. People getting married, having babies. Why don't I deserve that too?! It's not fucking fair. But then I suppose life isn't fair, I should count my blessings.

I think back to the last arsehole who broke my heart and how much it hurt then, and it is comforting to know that I barely think of him at all now. I'll feel the same way about this one too and some point. It's just that much harder when there is not much to distract me. The whole world is doom & gloom at the moment. Just want to feel happy again 😞

OP posts:
LockdownLady1 · 19/01/2021 18:03

Hey lovely an ex did this with me and it was awful but remember HE is the loser in this situation. He can’t even do a relationship properly and I’m sure he never will!! He doesn’t know how to not betray a partner and eventually he will be caught out with anyone who he dates - or they will turn a blind eye to him disappearing for days at a time.

Anyway all you should focus on now is YOU. I am like you and don’t live near any family or friends and I recently got a job in a care home and love it as I’m looking after vulnerable people and it takes the focus away from me and my problems (a lot of them have covid) so I think you need to find yourself a job ASAP or volunteer!!! Especially as with covid the NHS are crying out for volunteers and care homes are desperate for more staff!
Then I think you need to make a life plan (great YouTube videos about that) and give yourself a few goals for where you want to be this time next year x

CoffeeBeansGalore · 19/01/2021 18:06

@donecomplaining Hi, didn't want to read & run. The guy is a toad (& that's insulting to toads). Block & ignore him. Now you have to concentrate on yourself. The answer is not at the bottom of bottle, so please stop going down that path.
It's hard for everyone at the moment to get out & meet new people. But go for walks or bike rides to get out of the house. Do you have any neighbours with dogs you could volunteer to walk? There's a site called borrow my doggie(?) which could help. Any elderly neighbours who need shopping doing for them? Simply getting out will help.you.
At home - Do you like cooking? You have to eat so try some new recipes. Find some online fitness sessions to follow and get fit. Find a box set to watch & chill out with. Are there any online book groups you could join?
You say you are not working at the moment. Could you look for free online courses to increase your qualifications? There would possibly be student zoom meetings/discussion forums that you could interact with.
Getting involved in some interests & getting some exercise, indoors & out will help both your physical and mental health & when you do get chatting to people will give you something to talk about.

SunshineCake · 19/01/2021 18:08

End it and learn you don't need a man.

While you are with him you will meet someone decent. Why would you chose this shitty person knowing things will be crap than giving your self the chance to meet someone with morals and kindness in their mind rather than cheating and lying.

averythinline · 19/01/2021 18:18

You can meet someone good now... I would certainly recommend volunteering....look on your local Facebook..or maybe foodbank...ours are always looking for help...
Really helped me when needed distraction from love life!... also made some new friends and lead to a new job ....using the knowledge I gained ...for nothing else as keeping busy I'm crap if too much thinking on my hands.

VettiyaIruken · 19/01/2021 18:21

Even if you stayed with him, you'd be staying with a lying cheating sack of shit who happily fucked someone else and has no intention of stopping. Would that feel any better and happier than being by yourself?

donecomplaining · 19/01/2021 18:25

My head is a mess. Going over everything we've ever said to each other. Why the fuck did I give him another chance?!

Thinking back on it he used to always compare me to his ex - looks wise, sexually, weight etc. Said he liked me natural so didn't like it when I wore make up or dressed up but he also said this was because he hated me looking nice because then other men would look at me. Constantly questioned me about every man on my FB page, if male friends had messaged me and so on. Hated me putting up nice photos of myself on SM, even just a head shot with make up on because then other men would look at me. And yet told me that his ex was better looking than me because she presented herself better (ie, work make up and nice clothes). I actually couldn't win.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 19/01/2021 18:31

You're well shot of him, thank god he didn't try to move in with you.

classiestgal · 19/01/2021 18:45

Do not take him back. He’s going to ruin your life. Stay firm. If you can get through this you can get through anything. Sign up for online courses. Job hunt. Do you have any family or friends you can call up?

category12 · 19/01/2021 18:55

This man was awful and you need to put him in the past. He's already fucked you over twice in a year. Don't give him another chance to do it again.

Moooning · 19/01/2021 19:02

Jesus christ he sounds like such a fucking loser. You sound lonely and vulnerable, a perfect victim for someone like him. Start with some self respect - it's the core of self esteem. Even if you don't feel it, fake it til you make it. If you can't be happy with yourself and by yourself you'll never be happy with someone else. The bastards of this world can sniff that shit out a mile away.

Believing you are worthy of better is the first step to actually having better...and there is so much better than this my lovely.

donecomplaining · 19/01/2021 19:10

I think that's the problem @Moooning, I do have a tendency to attract terrible people who treat me like dirt. I was in an abusive relationship when I was very young and I think my bar has been set so low I don't have good boundaries. I know that if I only attract arseholes then the problem is probably me. I just don't know how to change. I don't want to be in shitty relationships the rest of my life.

I want to believe that I'm worthy of love but so far they've all shown me that I'm not. It's hard to believe in yourself after that 😞

OP posts:
donecomplaining · 19/01/2021 19:12

I promised myself that 2021 would be a fresh start, that things would be different, but they aren't. They never will be if I stay with him, my life will just be a bunch of lies and broken promises! I'll die waiting for things to get better.

OP posts:
category12 · 19/01/2021 19:14

Try doing the Freedom Programme and some counselling/therapy to deal with these issues.

It sounds like your "shark cage" www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/ is busted up, but you can work on it and reset your boundaries.

MrsWindass · 19/01/2021 19:15

This is really a case of it IS him not you . He's a prick so put an end to the pity party and find yourself a job .

Moooning · 19/01/2021 19:37

I totally understand op. I have boundary issues too, and have met an awful lot of dickheads. There are nice ones out there, but I tend to be drawn to the emotionally unavailable and/or twats. I have always enjoyed being single though (go figure) but now purposefully taking time out to work on myself and my boundaries and think about what I really want and deserve...not just in relationships, but in life too. I'm putting my efforts in to nourishing my friendships more with people where love and support is mutually rewarding.

You're probably addicted to him so the only way out of this is to cut all communication and ties. Yes you will obsess, and it will hurt like a bitch for longer than you think you can stand. But you've got to do it, for yourself and for your future. Remember, this too shall pass. You've been here before and you know it yourself. But woman you gotta to get over that big ol shitty first hurdle before the healing begins

TheFoz · 19/01/2021 19:50

Better to be on the shelf than in the wrong cupboard.

donecomplaining · 19/01/2021 19:53

@category12, I do plan on doing the freedom program. I should have done it the first time I dumped him but put it off and got suckered in again, maybe if I had done it I wouldn't have fallen for it again! No time like the present I suppose.

I absolutely do need some sort of therapy or counselling, I've needed it for many years, I can just never afford it and especially not now I'm on UC. Maybe one day. I tried NHS counselling a few years back but it wasn't very helpful, what I really needed was tools to help me going forward and there was none of that.

OP posts:
HiyaCathyy · 19/01/2021 21:47

Op change your mindset, you’ve escaped this arsehole. Think that she’s done you a favour! As other posters says, focus on you, online courses and go and volunteer, get out for fresh air every day if you can. I know it’s hard but small steps towards the above every day if possible. You will be okay in time and guess what, you will think thank goodness that I didn’t end up with him! Also, we are here for you!

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