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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dump him and be alone or stick it out even though I know it won't change?

39 replies

donecomplaining · 19/01/2021 17:42

I've been with bf for over a year now but about 10 months in I found out he'd been cheating on me with his ex the whole relationship. Obviously I was devastated and immediately ended things, didn't see or speak to him again for a few weeks until he came over to pick up all the stuff he'd left in my house.

Well one thing let to another and even though I was still furious with him I stupidly agreed to give things another go. He promised me, repeatedly, to my face, that nothing was happening with them anymore and I didn't have to worry about her.

Since then things have been great when he's here, we've made plans for the future, done a lot of talking and it's been ok. But when he isn't here he goes long periods of time without contacting me and I've told him repeatedly that this freaks me out because I'm terrified he's gone back to her/is with her. I've literally begged him to talk to me and reassure me. He always eventually gets back in touch with some stupid story and tells me everything is fine.

Well, reader, you guessed it. He is still cheating. Turns out basically every time he isn't with me he's with her, his mum confirmed it all to me. She's known about it this whole time and never said anything but says she thinks he's disgusting and is ashamed of his behaviour. She is fully on my side and hates his ex.

To make matters even worse my only friend is a mutual friend of ours who actually introduced me to him and also knows his ex well. They all hang out in the same social circle so I really have no one to talk to about anything to do with this.

I'm so hurt. I'm humiliated and feel worthless, pathetic and fucking stupid for believing all his lies. I want to message his ex and tell her everything as he has obviously been lying to both of us but there's no way she will leave him anyway so there's really no point. I don't even want to have any contact with her at all. She knew about me and continued to do what she was doing so she's a scumbag too and I owe her nothing.

I've sent him a message basically ended it (again) but what do I do now? It's fucking lockdown and I have no job, no family, no friends except someone who I can't discuss it with or it will get back to his ex. I'm just sitting here crying all day wondering why I'm not good enough for anyone to love me and trying desperately not to drink myself to death.

I want to channel this into something positive but I have no motivation or desire to do anything. I have no money. I don't know what to do next. At least in previous heartbreaks I'd had friends to talk it over with or work to distract me. Now I just have endless hours to fill.

Could really use a handhold x

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 19/01/2021 22:11

Fucks sake. Should clearly be will Not meet anyone...

donecomplaining · 25/03/2021 18:37

Just thought I'd give an update as there have been some interesting developments!

I moped around for a couple weeks but then realised that actually I was FAR better off without him and there were many, many things I really disliked about him (aside from the cheating & lying!).

I have gone back onto OLD and have been absolute and firm in setting my boundaries and what I want in a prospective partner. No compromises. I'm now talking to a lovely guy who I haven't met yet but I'm taking it slow and seeing what happens. For the first time in a long time I'm happier to be alone and concentrating on myself rather than being with the wrong person 😊

I've just had a call back about a job that I really wanted so fingers crossed I get it. As far as I know he's still jobless and too depressed to look for anything.

To top it all off it turns out she's now pregnant and he asked him mum to tell me because he was too ashamed/embarrassed to tell me himself. Not sure why he thinks I care! Apparently he is absolutely miserable about the fact and is beside himself. He says he wishes it was me.

My timing was absolutely spot on because judging by the dates she must have gotten pregnant immediately after I dumped him 😂 😂

I know it's mean to gloat but I do feel some sense of satisfaction that things are on the up for me while things couldn't be worse for him #karma

OP posts:
yousawthewholeofthemoon · 25/03/2021 18:43

What a good update, well done you.

Fraggle40 · 26/03/2021 01:10

Yeah i wouldnt count on him being miserable and wishing it was you. Sounds like a script he is already thinking about to try to worm back in. Or maybe his mum found the kindest words to break it to you gently.

Either way well done for being strong Smile

MixedUpFiles · 26/03/2021 01:28

Being alone is good for you. It will give you time to learn to love yourself.

Enough4me · 26/03/2021 01:32

The new man may be nice, but may mess you about again. Keep dating as something to the side of real life rather than your priority.

Good luck on the work front, I'd focus on that & friendships so you rebuild confidence.

gutful · 26/03/2021 01:56

They say it's always better to stay in a bad relationship than being on your own.

Actually wait - no they don't!

donecomplaining · 26/03/2021 10:19

@Fraggle40 if it is a script it's not going to work. I did think that maybe after some time had passed I might be able to tolerate being friends with him but now he's burnt that bridge entirely. I've helped him as much as I'm ever going to and have absolutely no desire to see or speak to him ever again. I've blocked him on all SM and deleted his number.
I honestly and genuinely don't care what he does with his life 😊

Oh, I forgot to mention that I also told my friend (the one he knows) because I needed someone to talk to about it all and I'm done protecting him. If he gets caught out that's on him not on me, he only has himself to blame and I'm done protecting him and removing my support in the process. So I told everyone everything! His family, my family, my friends, they all know the truth now 😊 I've not been going around giving them all info in the hope that it hurts him or anything but if I'm down and I need someone to talk to and a hand hold I am just no longer preventing myself from doing so because of him. If it comes up in conversation I am honest now.

In a weird way I think this lockdown has been good for me. It's forced to confront some unpleasant stuff and made me realise some other things. I have been unable to bury my head and shy away from dealing with things. I've learnt to enjoy my own company and have become more disciplined and determined as a result. I've started exercising again and have lost half a stone! I'm just fine the way I am 😁

New man is lovely but I'm not holding my breath. I'm good whatever happens!

OP posts:
FreeAt50 · 27/03/2021 06:44

Sweetheart he won't change. I know because the guy I've been seeing for a long time is the same and I am now in your position. I know what I need to do but I'm struggling to do it.

I'm sure you're decades younger than me without the "baggage" I have - hate that phrase but it covers all!

Please please please take the great advice above, fill your life with other things and leave him behind. I'm applying for jobs out of my area to try and expand my horizons. I live in a small minded, small town and there is no chance of me ever meeting anyone here when I'm ready.

Lockdown etc hasn't helped me as I've very little company other than him but I'm going to get into shape and rebuild my life.

My partner will cheat forever, it's what he does, he's having therapy but it's been 6 months with very very little change in outlook or how he feels about himself. I need to wake up and ship out

FreeAt50 · 27/03/2021 06:45

@donecomplaining haha serves me right for not reading the whole thread! Well done you!! How come hold my hand hahaha xx

WildfirePonie · 27/03/2021 07:00

Well done OP, great updates!

PercyTheePig · 27/03/2021 08:37

Nice one OP, good luck with the job! Focusing on yourself/work/career and making your life better will boost your confidence and mean you can pick and choose a man or choose to build a great life on your own! Better to wait for the right one than be stuck with a loser like your ex.

CuthbertDibbleandGrubb · 27/03/2021 11:02

Good to read your update.

Confusedmelon · 27/03/2021 11:25

OP, it's great that things are looking up for you and you decided to get rid of that turd.

My advice would be that's its way too soon for you to be dating someone new. I say this as someone who has done the same many times and it kept me from really being able to heal from past relationships.

To turn this experience into a positive, I think you need some serious time away from dating and lockdown is the perfect time to focus on yourself. Your ex sounds like a classic narcissist, I'd suggesting reading as much as you can about this personality disorder. If you have dated one before, you're at risk of meeting another (they can sniff out someone who is going through a difficult time). It sounds like you have a history with dating arseholes and I worry this isn't your first rodeo with a narc (you just don't know it yet).

The trick they play is that they love bomb you at the beginning of the relationship and if you need validation from a man to feel good about yourself (be really honest with yourself here) then you will be susceptible to their manipulation. This lovebombing phase makes you feel amazing, like they could be your soul mate but its all an act. You'll spend the rest of the relationship trying to get the (fake) person they were in the beginning.

After my last narc, I put myself in a sort of lockdown. No dating for a year and spent alot of time alone dissecting my past and learning all I could about NPD. It was an extremely difficult lonely time, I felt I had no one to talk to who would understand. I was ashamed and humiliated of my past (still working through that) but I could finally break the cycle I had been in for 20 years.

Even if this new guy seems nice, you have just been through a very traumatic year and need time to heal to really be able to give a genuinely nice guy your true self.

Do an autopsy of your past patterns. It's hard but worth it. You are worth it.

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