Aspergers partner and time out?

[Eesha]

Just this, we had a minor squabble but he felt I was having a go and says we should take a few days as he thinks better to not talk rather than argue. I really wasn't arguing and I think it's been blown completely out of proportion. I know his Aspergers has been worsening in terms of impacts on him but I'm really sad that I feel I've been shut out and I'm in limbo. Any experiences of this kind of thing and what should I do? In a 'normal' situation, I'd expect them to come back to me etc but I'm a bit scared he's not going to get in touch unless I reach out, because of his Aspergers.

When my dh is having a melt down episode he usually went home to his parents for breathing space..pre covid. It is very hard to understand why they need space and cannot clear up the matter and move on but my dh is just like that! He gets into a state in his mind that he cannot see the wood for the trees and has to just go. Been like this for the whole 10 years we have been married. I can accept this I have to but it is frustrating and very rarely do we ever have closure on issues we just somehow move on and start again.I have to be strong and if a decision needs making I do it. We dont often have disagreements anymore because I just get on with things and part of me is selfish in not involving him in important stuff but its the only way I can handle things and keep life running smoothly. I would just send a text saying hope to see you soon and hope you are ok and leave it at that. My dh had a breakdown of sorts over such a minor thing he couldnt cope with disappointing me or whatever he thought in his head and left for nearly 8 months! God that was hard but he needed to be away from us where he personally felt safe and could concentrate on getting the help he needed to see clearly again, It is very difficult living with someone like this when all you want to do is have them happy,feel secured and loved and yet the issues they have are often so minor to us we wouldnt even blink but it is so very different for them.Be calm be stable be you ..be tough and yet saying all that you need to see what is acceptable going forward and what isnt for you.You deserve to live too and walking on eggshells is hard. There has been a few times with my dh when i had to decide whether infact he was being unreasonable because of his condition or being a prat just cos he was a prat. Sometimes he was just being a prat and he knew it too.other times he was genuinely struggling and needed the space and headroom to figure it all out.Not easy OP at all.

@lazylump72 thank you so much for writing all this and taking the time to post. I think you've really helped clear up a lot of anxiety for me. We have only been together for about 7 months and things have been wonderful despite covid but this is the first obvious blip, almost like he's overwhelmed. I already have kids and I don't anticipate us merging our lives completely any time soon but I do care deeply for him and I want to manage this as best as I can whilst we are together. I've always been self sufficient and don't need him per se but I hate the feeling of being shut out when all I've done is been good and patient with him.

@lazylump72 also don't think my partner is being a prat, it feels like he's overwhelmed and needs to find his routine again.

This may be relevant but I’ve worked with a few Aspergers children and they are taught to walk away when angry to prevent a full scale meltdown resulting in them hurting themselves and others.

This is what your DP is doing, protecting himself and you, because the alternative can get violent and things said in anger, both sides.

He’s doing the right thing for him.

@BluebellsGreenbells thank you for posting. I was planning to check in at the end of the week if I didn't hear anything though I really wish he would get in touch himself. Otherwise I feel a little bit like I'm chasing. We haven't really had anything like this before and I'm in limbo as to how long it will be for. He said 'a few days'

I would consider carefully dating a man like this because if this is the reaction to a minor squabble, where would you be if you really did need to rely on him in the future.

@BluebellsGreenbells thank you, I'm seeing how things go for now as we haven't had anything like this before.

Any more tips from those who have experienced this?

I'm no good if I'm upset/angry etc as I have trouble processing my emotions. So in an argument or emotive issue I tend to push people away/clam up - I want to be on my own. This upsets my DP as he's a head on, deal with it now sort of person. I like to go away, calm down and have a proper think about things before I'm able to relay my thoughts. I'm great at dealing with other people's emotions (when mine are not affected) as I detach and am very pragmatic.
I guess I feel threatened and inwardly panic as I just can't process my thoughts quick enough and this is maybe how your DP. feels. My DP (not living together) will usually msg asking if I'm ok. I'll usually reply, yes, sorry. Sometimes we'll then discuss the 'argument/issue', sometimes we don't - depending if either of us thinks it was serious enough.

@CryingHelps i think this might be it. I pleaded initially to speak but nothing. It took him about 12 hrs to respond explaining why he hasn't responded earlier but in this message he said to take a few days. I replied saying I didn't want that but in the end I said I'll respect his wishes, nothing heard since. That was Sunday and I haven't heard anything and I don't know whether to check in on him. I'm scared he will never contact me again otherwise. I think I have an anxiety over people leaving so as I've been shut out now, I feel like I'll never hear back.

He's had his few days so no harm in sending a 'how are you? msg. If he doesn't mention the argument, don't push him straight away. When/if you get the opportunity, you need to discuss how you both felt. Your feelings are important too. I must admit I have to remind myself of that sometimes as I'm aware one day I could push my DP away completely.

@CryingHelps i don't really know why he can't reach out to me, he's the one who wanted the days really. My family are a bit worried because I like him so much and they think his personality type means it will be hard for me. I'm struggling a bit because on the one hand I think he's wonderful, on the other, I'm not sure I'll be able to deal with being shut out like this.

I am an autistic woman and I understand the need for space to process my feelings and emotions. I need to regulate myself to see things clearly. The more upset I am, the more space I need. I understand that is difficult for the other partner but the more pressure applied, the more likely it is for the relationship to end.
Autistic or not I still feel love and care towards people and hate to hurt them. If I cared deeply I would not just leave a relationship. However, I have ended relationships if they caused me more stress than necessary. Especially if I wasn't that into them.

@Sorehandsandfeet thank you for responding. Yes, I think my anxiety is just rising because I always expect the worst. He possibly isn't giving this a second thought but I'm thinking about it all the time.

I'm picking up on the fact that you are struggling with him going off to calm down and feeling isolated, I think if this is the only way he can deal with it, you have to accept it or move on.
Could you try talking about other methods he could use that would work better for you? Explain you get his needs but you also feel tense and isolated, can he not just have an evening upstairs to himself and start again the next day? Try not to keep bringing things up over and over.... My oh will calm himself by putting his headphones in and watching stuff on his phone for a couple of hours etc. To try and forget about whatever is bothering him and that's fine with me. I'll also take myself off upstairs and watch a good series if I feel at breaking point too with the kids etc. So we just accept this is how we can both de-stress and it works for us. But I can see how if he were to need to leave home for a few days, wouldn't work for me so I'd have to see if he could de stress somehow else, or we wouldn't stay together

@Anonanon12 we dont live together so he basically didn't answer my calls and only explained the next day. I understand now but I miss him and our regular contact.

I can understand your family's concern about your focus on him. You are calling him your partner yet seven months is no time at all especially in lockdown. Have you even met each others friends and family?

I think you should use this down time to focus back on your own life and interests outside of this guy.

As an Aspie nothing would freak me out more than than someone chasing me after I've asked for my boundaries to be respected. Neuro typicals may feel the same!!

@BluebellsGreenbells

I would consider carefully dating a man like this because if this is the reaction to a minor squabble, where would you be if you really did need to rely on him in the future.

I think this is an awful thing to say as what I'm hearing is that a man "like this" isn't reliable so not worth investing time in. How on earth are we going to break the stigma of neurodiversity with that attitude?

I agree with what @BluebellsGreenbells said.

@cutthedijon Hi, it wasn't quite like this, he literally put the phone down and then didn't answer any calls or texts after that until about 12hrs later. In hindsight, he had taken that time to work stuff out in his head. I call him by partner as we have been together pretty much every weekend for 7 months only stopping in late December. His friends know about me and we are in a relationship. My family just worry that I'm going to get hurt because they haven't seen me care this much about anyone before.

I've been watching YouTube videos on Aspergers and they say give it a few days and then casually check in with no pressure. It's got me wondering though whether this will suit me long term. I'm so happy with him generally but I feel like his Aspergers has worsened during lockdown and I think he might not be able to handle a relationship at the moment.

You can't know someone from just spending weekends with them. Anyone can be on their best behaviour for 48 hours. I came back to this because you sound so invested in him but you don't really know him. And you haven't met his family then or any of his friend? Again, slow your head and heart down. He isn't looking for someone to fix him and sorry it sounds like that's what you are trying to do.

@cutthedijon i have met some of his friends though, but yes I want to slow myself down. We spend weekends together as I have kids but I'm definitely not trying to fix him. He doesn't need fixing by me at all. I'm trying to understand how best to manage things, do I walk away and leave him to contact me? If this is weeks/months, then I can't really do that.

Ok, i'm going to say at this stage, you need to put the aspergers to one side, what do you want from a relationship? If you need someone emotionally open with great communication then he may just not be the partner you need.
Also, please get off you tube, I get that you wish to understand his 'diagnosis' but he is a person first and foremost. If you feel that he is your partner then you must know him well enough now.
Autism is not a condition that gets worse and better, it is a collection of communication styles and personality traits. Yes, he may be prone to anxiety because of his autism but lockdown is making his anxiety worse, not his autism. Do you see?
As I have autism and My children do too, there is something I always say. Autism is not an excuse for bad behaviour. Your partner is perfectly capable of ghosting you or dumping you in a bad way as anyone else.
Yes, give him time to process if he has asked for it but remember to respect your own boundaries too.

@Sorehandsandfeet thank you for your post. My gut feeling is he's put me aside and concentrating on other things and too scared to contact me in case I split up with him. I'll probably check in with him later, that will be 4 days. You're right, I'm not sure this is the relationship for me if he can do this, Aspergers or no Aspergers.

I'm glad you are going to stop making excuses for him, Eesha. If he wanted to be in touch, he would be. Even your "gut feeling" gives him an out. Don't ever forget there's no excuse for poor behavior. I read some of your other posts and if you are super social literate then now is the time to put you first. He definitely isn't seeing you as a partner. Good luck.

@cutthedijon yes, i messaged this morning so haven't heard back as yet. Hopefully I haven't been such a bad judge of character.