Aspergers partner and time out?

[Eesha]

Just this, we had a minor squabble but he felt I was having a go and says we should take a few days as he thinks better to not talk rather than argue. I really wasn't arguing and I think it's been blown completely out of proportion. I know his Aspergers has been worsening in terms of impacts on him but I'm really sad that I feel I've been shut out and I'm in limbo. Any experiences of this kind of thing and what should I do? In a 'normal' situation, I'd expect them to come back to me etc but I'm a bit scared he's not going to get in touch unless I reach out, because of his Aspergers.

It sounds to me like you need to have a conversation with him about how you are both going to manage situations like this in the future. It’s great that you are trying to be understanding of what he needs, but clearly cutting off communication for this long isn’t working for you.

For what it’s worth my DH is autistic. It’s taken some trial and error, but over time we have found ways of communicating that work for both of us. If we want to have a “more difficult conversation” we now start those via email/ WhatsApp. He finds that less confrontational, plus it gives him as much time to think about it and process his emotions as he needs.

Having conversations about what you both need is key in any relationship, but even more so in a relationship between a neurotypical and a neurodivergent person. You will be coming at this from different perspective and he may not even realise how difficult his way of dealing with this situation is for you.

@Crazzzycat thank you for posting that, yes this lack of communication really isn't working and driving me quite insane. I've messaged this morning so if I don't hear anything, then as a PP said, then that is just poor behaviour and ill see that we aren't really suited at all.

Feel for you @Eesha ,it's such a horrible time for non live in relationships.So much angst and uncertainty.Do something nice for yourself,maybe to distract you.Look after you ,so you don't get run down and ill.

Hello OP, just wanted to say that a relationship should not cause so much angst over something so small. If he is struggling to cope with this, how will he cope in day to day life with problems more complex. If you live together, will he just ignore you for days on end? Your health is suffering from this anxiety and you cannot be your best self when you're constantly on edge about what may trigger him. You also have children and need stability, reliability and consistency in your life (and theirs), and he doesn't seem to offer it.

He may be the loveliest guy but that doesn't mean he is good at relationships, or certainly a relationship with you. My partner is mildly on the spectrum too, and his natural instinct is to shut down and retreat. However, the first time he tried to do it (after a massive row tbf), I very clearly explained I would not tolerate stonewalling. Since then he will let me know he needs some hours to process (hours, not days mind), doesn't go off grid i.e if i need him I know he will reply. I, let him have his space, and when he comes back, discuss it calmly with him. That is a timeout that works for both of us. However, this is only when we have proper rows that are very infrequent. If he had gone no contact over something so minor, I would have walked away. As life is too short to be living in such anxiety.

Please don't let his needs override yours. If he cares about you, he should feel bad for causing you this much anxiety with just not knowing.. and want to find a way to compromise so you both can feel at ease. If he does come back, you should ensure he gets that it is unacceptable to just vanish with no contact in a relationship. And if he doesn't or can't understand that, I don't think you'll ever sleep completely peacefully being with him. You'll always wonder when he'll next vanish or ghost or just break up with you.

@BibbityBobbety thank you so much for your post. I never heard anything back from my partner and I genuinely believe this is about something bigger than a hypothetical squabble which we had. I wont be contacting him again. This is the first time I've experienced this type of thing whereas thinking back recently, he was saying his OCs have been worse and he is trying to get help from professionals. Prior to this, we have had quite a light hearted, happy relationship with no big rows etc. We have dealt with tough situations like his health etc together with no rows, he and I both don't do conflict. Hes never known my kids so its not like our lives have merged as yet but i did want him to be a bigger part of our lives in the future if it had worked out. I guess im saying I've never really seen this type of behaviour in him. I'm seeing things more clearly now and am trying to put it on the backburner in my mind because I can't expect him to come back at all. I don't think he's a malicious person in any way, I just think he has his reasons for behaving like this and he's made a call that he doesn't want to talk to me.

I do love him dearly but you're right, he probably isn't great with relationships for this reason. I wish I could have seen this more earlier before I got so invested. I guess I was so happy to have found someone so lovely and kind who I had so much fun with. But the lockdown hasn't helped and not being able to see each other or touch, I think it's affected everyone's mental health hugely, him very much so. I would have liked to have that chat with him if he came back, about behaviour etc, but I doubt that will happen now.

Update: my partner messaged me the following day saying he was struggling with his autism and apologised for his lack of contact. He said he needed to hide away from the world. A couple of days later he wrote to say he was thinking about me and hope I was well etc. He explained things were calm but had been up and down for the prior few days. I replied nicely to both. This was last weekend. I'm trying to give him the space he needs but have no understanding of how long this will be for. I was planning to check in this weekend and see how it was going. I'm giving it till lockdown finishes to see how things progress.