Have you managed to forgive your partner and move on?

CuntyMcBollocks · 19/01/2021 07:53

People like that rarely ever change. In my experience, once they have been abusive, they will always be abusive. But ultimately it's your choice whether you think its worth trying again.

PicsInRed · 19/01/2021 08:13

They're worse after forgiveness, and the abuse and cheating become more severe and more obvious, as they think you're lower value person for having forgiven them and believe they can get away with it. They see forgiveness as a character weakness rather than a virtue - they see you as "stupid" and therefore deserving of what they deliver.

It's a no win situation I'm afraid.

YellowBeryl · 19/01/2021 08:41

Can you ask him to prove to you that he can change whilst staying apart. He starts counselling and you stay in touch perhaps have days out with your DC. Make it a decent amount of time, at least 6 months, preferably 12.
He won't be able to manage it, but at least you won't be living with him when he relapses forcing you to leave him again. . It will also give you recovery time so you will be more sure how you feel.

classiestgal · 19/01/2021 08:56

He’s going to need years of counselling. I’m betting he thinks 12 sessions will be enough. Nope. It’s a long slog and he’s got a lot of work. My friends husband had 18 months worth and he’s still not right. I’d suggest you stay apart and rebuild your life. Don’t go back. If it’s going to work then see where you both are in a couple of years.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/01/2021 08:57

If there is no trust there is no relationship and once its gone it does not come back. That is also something you need to know about relationships.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
People can also get bogged down in their sunk costs as you are now. Do not do that to yourself.

Who is this "everyone" that feel you should at all give him another chance?. You are an adult with agency and you do not need their decision making abilities or lack of in this instance. These people have not been on the receiving end of his abuses of you and many abusers also appear to be quite plausible to those in the outside world.

Words are cheap and you're currently having a wobble as a result of his contact with you. He indeed knows how to push your buttons and he is a very manipulative individual. He was not ever going to let go of you that easily hence his protestations about counselling and or changing his ways now. A short course of counselling is not at all going to cut it, it could actually make him more dangerous to you.

Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. I would encourage you to stop listening to his weasel words and to look at the Freedom Programme which can be done online as part of your own recovery from his abuses of you.

category12 · 19/01/2021 08:57

He's been manipulative, psychologically and verbally abusive and I've felt very lonely in the relationship for years.

And now he's being manipulative and emotionally blackmailing you to stay by making promises and crying a lot.

For 7 years he has chosen to treat you as his emotional punchbag and behaved shittily in the relationship. It's not difficult to treat someone you love decently.

I would not give him more chances, he's had years of them, and was content to behave crappily to you up until the point he realised he'd lose the comfy home situation. He's giving lipservice to change now for his own sake, but couldn't be arsed when it was just you unhappy.

He's chipped away at your feelings for him and I doubt you will regain attraction or respect for him if you stay. It sounds like you have The Ick. And it's all too little too late. And without those things, it's no kind of relationship.

Don't be guilted into trying again when so much damage has been done. You have already tried to make it work for years.

smoothchange · 19/01/2021 09:00

I can't see why you married him. His behaviour changed 3 years before that. I certainly wouldn't be looking for anyone to confirm that forgiving and affair and moving on is a possibility , he sounds like a really nasty piece of work. Why do you want that?

wildraisins · 19/01/2021 09:05

@PeachTree22

I am having some time away at the moment from my husband of 4 years. We have a toddler who has come with me. My husband has spent the last 7 years turning into someone horrible. Blaming it on depression and turning into his father. He's been manipulative, psychologically and verbally abusive and I've felt very lonely in the relationship for years.

I stopped finding him attractive. We don't have sex. I also started picking up on and finding irritating all our differences and the flaws in his personality.
Problem is, now I've scared him, he wants to change. And i mean he is genuinely convincing that he wants to change. He's having councilling and he is devastated that I've left.

But my trust is gone. I'm deciding whether I believe he is being genuine because everything he does I question whether he is being manipulative again or just saying what I want to hear.

I'm so frightened of giving him another chance and being miserable still in a few years time when I've almost gotten out now.
I'm not perfect though. I'm sure there's things I've done that have made him unhappy but nothing so drastic.

I just don't know what to do for the best. I feel like I should give him another chance cos everyone thinks I should and because he seems so desperate to make it work but I'm not sure that even if I manage to move on from all the hurt, whether I can now look past all his irritating personality traits and clashes that we have.

I care for him. The guilt is eating me up. I don't want to hurt him. But I don't want to waste any more of my life.

Have you gone back to a partner who HAS changed and things have been better then ever between you?

I dont take marriage lightly. I believed it was forever and I'm really struggling with the idea of throwing my marriage away when we could have made it work but I was too scared to give it another go.
It makes me feel like I'm the one who ruined our relationship, not him!!!

Re-read what you are saying.

"scared"
"don't find him attractive"
"we don't have sex"
"manipulative"
"horrible"
"blaming"
"abusive"
"guilt"
"hurt"
"waste my life"
"frightened"
"miserable"

No, I wouldn't have thought a situation where you are using words like that to describe the relationship is ever going to improve or change.

AmandaHoldensLips · 19/01/2021 09:06

In my experience, men like that rarely change. They can't. Atilla is right about the sunken costs fallacy. And you yourself said about not wanting to waste any more of your life.

It's always upsetting and confusing when a marriage breaks down. You have managed to get out of a bad relationship, and that in itself is a massive and brave step.

My advice would be to stay separated. Don't go back. Work on healing yourself and leave your husband to sort himself out. He might improve, he might not. But either way it will not be at your cost.

ncailleach · 19/01/2021 09:09

I found private counselling for myself really helpful when my marriage broke up, to work out what I really wanted and how to move forward. Help in working through the past was good too.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/01/2021 09:11

@category12

He's been manipulative, psychologically and verbally abusive and I've felt very lonely in the relationship for years.

And now he's being manipulative and emotionally blackmailing you to stay by making promises and crying a lot.

For 7 years he has chosen to treat you as his emotional punchbag and behaved shittily in the relationship. It's not difficult to treat someone you love decently.

I would not give him more chances, he's had years of them, and was content to behave crappily to you up until the point he realised he'd lose the comfy home situation. He's giving lipservice to change now for his own sake, but couldn't be arsed when it was just you unhappy.

He's chipped away at your feelings for him and I doubt you will regain attraction or respect for him if you stay. It sounds like you have The Ick. And it's all too little too late. And without those things, it's no kind of relationship.

Don't be guilted into trying again when so much damage has been done. You have already tried to make it work for years.

This, all of this x 1000.

AtlasPine · 19/01/2021 09:12

My ex wanted us to get back together after the relationship he had with the other woman broke down. He has made a dreadful error apparently. He was deeply lonely and couldn’t be without me apparently. We’d been together for 20 years, had kids, it was hard. I told him to live by himself for a year and prove he meant it first. He had another gf within two months.

I think many people are scared of being alone rather than actually wanting to be with their familiar person. We are worth a bit more than that.

rattlemehearties · 19/01/2021 09:13

It's not all or nothing. Don't get back together in a relationship with him. But you want to be separate co parents to your child on good terms, so find a way to be civil

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/01/2021 09:27

He won't ever be civil to her and he is not being civil towards the OP now. Such men hate women, all of them. He is trying to manipulate her along with further attempting to break her boundaries. Peachtree may well have to ultimately employ the use of a contact centre re their child. I state this as well as such people like this man could use the child as a means of further "punishing" the mother for leaving him. If he was any sort of a decent father to his child he would never have abused his child's mother.

beantrader · 19/01/2021 09:55

Do you have kids?

Of you don't, I would just walk away tbh. I left my ex after many years of him becoming a progressively shitter human - it spurred him to action, he got counseling, told me things about his family that he'd never said before (explained a lot), but I just couldn't do it. I'd spent years being miserable and he didn't give a shit, only when I walked out he became desperate to change

FinallyHere · 19/01/2021 10:07

Goodness, he is manipulative, isn't he.

How can you possibly distinguish his manipulation from a possibly genuine desire to treat you better? You can't, only time will tell. As PP said, you don't have to stay with him while he sorts himself out.

What's that you say, he is only offering to sort himself out if you stay. I hope you can see how manipulative that is. And how little power you would have once you agreed to stay. Even if he did change and become decent, wouldn't you always be on edge waiting for the 'other show to drop'. If he did change, why did he treat you do badly in the first place?

Don't get suckered in again. I write this in hope because so.many.women hope for the best and go back, only to find....

You can still coparent and be kind to each other. All the best.

billy1966 · 19/01/2021 10:12

OP,

He has shown you clearly who he is.

A nasty abusive man.

You have been so brave to get away don't go back.

Great advice above.

He is not going to change.

Don't listen to anyone.

Think of your daughter and of having a peaceful home with her.

He will not change.

He will be delighted that you were stupid enough to believe him and will revert to his dreadful abuse of you.

Your marriage is over and you are so lucky that you were brave enough to leave.

Feel no guilt.

Focus on your child's future.

Sssloou · 19/01/2021 10:33

You have suffered 7 years of abuse.

This will have taken its toll on your MH and eroded your sense of self and self esteem. After years and years of psychological abuse you doubt your self and are v vulnerable to his continued manipulations.

Your task now is to heal that deep emotional injury so that you can focus on giving a consistent, calm, peaceful and joyous home and childhood to your DC. You will be unable to do this when back in the orbit of this personality disordered abuser as you will be on high alert even subconsciously to his every move, sigh, facial expression. This means you are preoccupied and anxious and radiating fear that you DC will absorb and also become stressed.

You did great taking the step to move out. You need to take a bigger and firmer stand to move on with your life for the better. Try to prioritise getting some independent and professional emotional support to heal the emotional injury he has inflicted and to help you through separation.

Know that he will behave much worse during separation and will frustrate and obfuscate every move to punish you. Get ahead of this and keep a log of every incident past and present (with evidence if you have it) - he is not above the law.

gannett · 19/01/2021 10:49

I feel like I should give him another chance cos everyone thinks I should

Do NOT listen to these people. They don't have your best interests at heart. All they want is for you to be in a "normal " family setup, without caring how much it was harming you.

Your ex wants to change? That's good, because he'll be in your life as your DC's father. You can encourage and applaud his change (if he sticks to it, which I wouldn't bet on) WITHOUT taking him back. Amicable co-parents from a distance - that's a good thing to aim for, and good for your DC.

You've left and from everything you write it was the right decision. Hold the line!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/01/2021 15:05

I'm deciding whether I believe he is being genuine because everything he does I question whether he is being manipulative again or just saying what I want to hear

You didn't say when your "time away" started, but the above is something you won't know for a long time - so obviously it would be unwise to offer further chances now, even in the unlikely event it really could be repaired

If you make him wait there's every chance he'll find someone else to abuse while blaming you for the split, but at least that'll confirm you're making the right decision

Wanderlusto · 19/01/2021 15:23

If someone chooses to treat you like garbage for years, why the hell would you ever give them another chance?

He is a nasty person. That's what it boils down to. People with serious psychological disorders like this do not change. Lions dont become lambs.

Statistically, abusers tend to get way worse if you take them back. They have to punish you for leaving them and break you so you cant leave again.

Original poster

PeachTree22 · 19/01/2021 15:47

Wow!!!
Thankyou everyone for your kind words, strength and encouragement. It's empowering.
I tried to leave him 3 months ago. There was a particularly verbally nasty incident in which I made the move to call women's aid. After a few weeks of discussions with them I told him I wanted some space but he didn't make it easy for me to feel like I could leave. We had a long talk and he promised he would start the ball rolling on councilling (which he has) and that he would change.
Fast forward 3 months and he has already made a huge improvement (especially his involvement in our son) but there were certain controlling things that were still bothering me.
Which brings us to last Sunday when I told him I still want the space from him.
Ive been at my mum's for just over a week..

Its obvious his behaviour has come from his family. They have alot to answer for. They've really messed him up. This is one of the reasons I feel guilty cos I actually feel sorry for him. He's had a tough few years which has caused alot of his depression and his horrible behaviour but I'm fully aware that's not a good enough excuse and it annoys me that he thinks it is.
He has finally admitted to the feelings he has like jealousy and anger and is talking to his councillor about CBT and trying to change his outlook on life and I 'think' I believe he does really want to better himself but whether he can long term or not is another matter. And it's a gamble I'm trying to decide whether I can take.

Im also aware it's not something that can be fixed in a few months, and to be honest, I'm not sure I really want to put my life on hold waiting to see if he can change long term and I thinks that's why I feel guilty cos shouldn't I be trying to give my marriage the best shot.
I'm scared because what if he really does make that change and I'm too impatient or too unforgiving to see it through and then I see myself as being the one to walk out of what could be a good marriage.

I'm extremely confused. I know it hasn't been long, only a week so far but I feel rushed and as if everyone is expecting an answer from me.

I am having councilling myself as I do feel beaten and broken down.
It's just everything I read or people I talk too suggest not walking away until we try marriage counseling which we did talk about doing but I wanted to do it face to face but with COVID that isn't a possibility.

But honestly, I feel so exhausted from it all, part of my head is screaming no more. 7 years is long enough. But then I feel like I will look like the one not willing to give it my best shot.

OP posts:

Wanderlusto · 19/01/2021 15:55

His family are not to blame and neither is the depression. Plenty of adults come from abusive backgrounds and go through depression and manage not to abuse their partners. He is a grown man so needs to take responsibility for his actions. But let him do that as far as possible away from you.

Even if he could change, would you ever trust him again? Would you want to live the rest of your days with someone who you cant trust? Wondering if any day might be the day he resorted to abusing you again?

Please do the freedom program and see about seeing a councillor yourself to help you rebuild your self love and see that you are not obligated to excuse abuse. Ever.

Wanderlusto · 19/01/2021 15:58

It might also be wise to read up on narcissistic hoovering. It's the things abusers do and say to trick you into taking them back.

Melanie tonia Evan's does a good youtube video on 9 types of narcissistic hoovering.

Wanderlusto · 19/01/2021 16:01