Have you managed to forgive your partner and move on?

[PeachTree22]

I am having some time away at the moment from my husband of 4 years. We have a toddler who has come with me.
My husband has spent the last 7 years turning into someone horrible. Blaming it on depression and turning into his father.
He's been manipulative, psychologically and verbally abusive and I've felt very lonely in the relationship for years.

I stopped finding him attractive. We don't have sex. I also started picking up on and finding irritating all our differences and the flaws in his personality.
Problem is, now I've scared him, he wants to change. And i mean he is genuinely convincing that he wants to change. He's having councilling and he is devastated that I've left.

But my trust is gone. I'm deciding whether I believe he is being genuine because everything he does I question whether he is being manipulative again or just saying what I want to hear.

I'm so frightened of giving him another chance and being miserable still in a few years time when I've almost gotten out now.
I'm not perfect though. I'm sure there's things I've done that have made him unhappy but nothing so drastic.

I just don't know what to do for the best. I feel like I should give him another chance cos everyone thinks I should and because he seems so desperate to make it work but I'm not sure that even if I manage to move on from all the hurt, whether I can now look past all his irritating personality traits and clashes that we have.

I care for him. The guilt is eating me up. I don't want to hurt him. But I don't want to waste any more of my life.

Have you gone back to a partner who HAS changed and things have been better then ever between you?

I dont take marriage lightly. I believed it was forever and I'm really struggling with the idea of throwing my marriage away when we could have made it work but I was too scared to give it another go.
It makes me feel like I'm the one who ruined our relationship, not him!!!

7 years of abuse...
How did you last that long?
You gave him years to treat you properly.
You owe him NOTHING.

You gave him 7 YEARS.

He will not change.

Blaming his family and depression and taking zero responsibility.

He now is trying, but you or your child weren't enough to deserve decent treatment for years.

He sounds like a truly awful man.

YOU gave your marriage every chance.

HE, and HE alone destroyed your marriage.

Please don't bring your innocent child back to a home with this man in it.

He cannot change.
He will revert.

You will bitterly regret it.

You and your child deserve better.

I know it hasn't been long, only a week so far but I feel rushed and as if everyone is expecting an answer from me

Who's "everyone"? I appreciate he wants an answer, but as you rightly said it's way too soon, especially as you've "given this a shot" for 7 years already and it's simply not working

It doesn't really matter though, since the same answer will do for anyone whether it's their business or not ... you could just say the counselling's interesting but that you're not ready to make a decision and leave it at that

And BTW some counsellors are still doing face to face; this site allows you to search those which are: www.counselling-directory.org.uk/

I agree with @billy1966 - also please don’t listen to anyone else - often others have their own agenda shadowing their comments. They don’t want to have to deal with this - it’s much tidier and more palatable to have things as they were - for them.

You have endured enough of this life already.

What practical options do you have regarding living arrangement and finances do you have open to you going forward?

Sweetheart. His family isn’t to blame. It’s who he is. He’s not going to change, he will play it for awhile but you can’t hide who you are. And after he thinks you’re settled, he’s going to double down on it. Because by that point it’s even harder to leave and he thinks he has the power to control you and bring you back, that you’re too weak to say no

So no. His families not to blame. He doesn’t deserve pity and he’s not going to change. He’s just going to play at it awhile

Sorry.,you only left a week ago?

Honestly that’s so self harming. He’s not changed in a week. You know this.

One week? Omg op how the hell would he have magically changed into a decent person after a week. If he had had a year of counciling then I could understand why it might have given you pause for thought (I mean I still wpuldnt touch him with a barge poll but...) but 1 week! xD he is taking u for a right mug.

Honestly? No, nothing changed. Well, it did for a bit, but it always went back to how it was.

I left, and he would change, this time, it would be different. I didnt care anymore, heard it all before. Three years later, he is still the same, nothing changed and I never returned

I have no intention of returning home within the next 3 weeks and I do feel like this will be a longer term thing for me. If I was to ever go back to him, it certainly won't be in this half of the new year.

He has broken me. I am receiving councilling and I do just want to focus on repairing myself first.
But honestly, no I'm not sure I will even be able to trust him again. Even if I desperately wanted to believe and thought he had actually changed and does regret how he's behaved, I'm worried I'm always going to be waiting for him to do something he used to do before.
Ive spent along time walking on egg shells around him.

There have been good moments in our relationship/marriage which is whats always 'hoovered' me back in. Always after a bad spell when I think he's noticed I'm drifting away abit. Things are good for A while but it's always been on his terms when things are good. I have definitely noticed that and I've said that for some time. I just never noticed or maybe didn't want to believe just how severe his actions were and if I'm completely honest, I'm a very strong person. I've been through alot and it takes alot to break me down.
So maybe that's why I've hung on for so long but since having our son and since his depression really kicked in in the last 2 - 3 years, that's what's really dragged me down to the point I'm exhausted trying to keep that happy persona up Infront of our boy.

His family are relevant only insofar as the apple has not fallen far from the poisoned tree.

He is an abuser, as they are abusers. None will ever change.

Save your kids, save yourself.

OP,
Remind yourself that after he had treated you so badly for a prolonged time and you started to drift away, he would adapt his behaviour to hoover you back in.

Classic abuser.

He has always known the deliberate hell he has put you though.

That sort of nasty abusive behaviour is not curable.

He has shown you exactly who he is.

Get well for your son who needs one decent parent.

I feel really sad for you op. What a life of misery you’re choosing. You won’t go home in “the next three weeks”.?

One of the sadder things I’ve read on here.

Good luck to you.. 💐

You’ve made the break and that was the first step. You’ve wasted enough time on this man. Have you told all the people who think you should give him another chance just want your marriage is really like? Be strong- a few counselling sessions are not going to make your husband into a nice man!!

I have just sat through an hour of online meditation with my ex where he refused to see any need to pay reasonable child support (he's currently paying a fiver a week for a 17 year old and refusing to buy her phone credit to even call him!!) and is accusing me of parental alienation as apparently me and my partner should not discuss him in our own home without getting his permission (!!!) and should drive her around and pay for everything. There is no fixing these broken and controlling men. We split up 17 years ago and my life has improved sooooo much. No man is worth your mental health. Lots of it's really hard but so worth it. You can't be the parent you want if you are in a toxic relationship. Life with dp is so different and we work together. I don't think my ex knows what a positive relationship is like.

*should read Narcissistic ex.