Is this negging, 'banter' or am I just being sensitive

[BunnyandBee]

I have been seeing someone for the last couple of months (as best you can during lockdown). He is the first person I have dated since my exH left at the start of 2020.

Initially the chemistry was great but I know deep down he is not the right person for me, there are a few issues of compatability and I am really just gathering courage to end things (people pleaser absolutely dreading the conversation as he is very sweet and generous in other ways).

We met the other day for a walk and a couple of things he said really grated on me. I know I need to figure out my boundaries in terms of dating and I just wanted some opinions on what he said to me.

1. I have cooled off the texting in the last week, partly because I just don't have the headspace for constant messaging. I explained during a phone call earlier in the week I was feeling quite stressed out as I have a lot on my plate (kids, work, house management etc). So on our recent walk he asked me how my mental health was as I hadn't spoken to him so much. After a bit of talking around it he said something along the lines of 'well i am pleased you're ok mentally' . I didn't really know how to respond.

2. I have northern roots and live down south where hard 'a' sounds are not so common (think grass/graahs) if you see what I mean? I tend to use a mix, but when I am full flow I use far more hard 'a's. If one ever slips into conversation he will interrupt and say "excuse me?". It pisses me off and makes me feel self conscious. I challenged him today a bit and he said sorry but that he likes to take the piss (aka banter ).

So, am I being just grumpy/sensitive and nitpicking because I know it's not right, or is this type of behaviour a red flag?

And as a sub-note how do I gain confidence in finishing things with someone? I don't want to do it by text!

Well it sort of doesn't matter if it was banter or negging. You've gone off him so dont see him again.

Ending by text is fine if you're dating.

... and especially so in a lockdown!

If one ever slips into conversation he will interrupt and say "excuse me?"

That would really piss me off. It might just about be funny the first time, but it's just an annoyance if someone's doing it on repeat. It suggests he thinks your accent is inferior.

Not sure about the 'pleased you're OK mentally' - do you think he was being sarcastic?

It would irritate me too. I'm from the South and DH is a northerner, and we've each picked up bits from the way the other speaks now. It's nice. There's friendly banter about the 'correct' way to pronounce words but it's always good humoured. I'd hate it if he said what your date does.
If he's irritating you already I'd get shot sharpish.

Oh god. I couldn't cope with it

By text is fine if it's early days. Just a thanks but no thanks will do

It suggests he thinks your accent is inferior

I get the impression he is quite judgy. He is very money focused and does look down his nose a bit.

Not sure about the 'pleased you're OK mentally' - do you think he was being sarcastic?

It didn't feel sarcastic, maybe more patronising than anything.

Dump him - he's a prick.

You've only been seeing him for a couple of months so a text would be fine during lockdown, even if you wouldn't normally end a relationship like that.

Well it sort of doesn't matter if it was banter or negging

I agree it's a bit of a moot point. I am just finding it hard navigating things and whilst I wouldn't give him specific examples of why it's not working, I suppose I was wondering whether these are reasonable concerns (but I appreciate my view is already skewed)

I wouldn’t bother with a man who made an issue of a regional accent.

That’s not you being oversensitive, it’s how you speak. Plenty of snobs about.

OP, you’re not digging it, end of. Why do you need permission to stop seeing him? Honestly if you’re dithering this much over calling off a casual thing you’d better avoid a relationship like the plague, because your chances of being able to finish it if it’s no good are virtually nil.

Oh and that southerners picking you up on hard a sounds is really fucking tiresom. It’s not us who are wrong, it’s them, there is no r in grass. I guarantee being picked up on that will get right on your wick, light hearted or not.

@Whatisthisfuckery I know, it's early days post divorce so I have been testing the waters. It's been a long time since I have been in a dating situation and my confidence has taken a bit of a battering. I am working on that as best I can. I have enjoyed the peace this week so maybe I am better suited to the single life for a while

Is he trying to imply you aren't ok mentally? I mean it's an odd thing to say to someone who hasn't mentioned any mental health issues to you isn't it... I'd be worrying it would go down a route in future, where he tried to make out I was oversensistive (eg if his comments) due to some mental health issue tbh. And that this was the start of that.

But of course thats just if he turns out to be a psycho. Unfortunately though, a lot of them do. Especially the ones who make a point of looking down on your for how you speak.

@Wanderlusto indeed. He knows nothing of that sort about me, other than I was off work with stress when exH left. Haven't had any deeper conversations than that.

It may be him awkwardly showing his concern/wish to appear supportive, but I have been on Mumsnet for long enough to know that would be a fairly naive stance to take with someone I barely know.

Yeah unless it was just because of covid and he figures lots off ppl are struggling...
But to say it when you hadn't been paying him attention...possibly a red flag.

Anyone that needs constant attention is a walking red flag anyway tbf. Especially if you also get the 'he looks down on ppl' vibe. Could be a narcissist.

But all else aside, if he is getting on your tits, that's a good enough reason to walk away.

A simple text saying you have given it thought and won’t be seeing him again, but wish him the best with dating. If he asks why or you want to give a reason just say things aren’t working for you. That could mean that you don’t see how you can juggle the other things going on with dating or it could mean you think he’s not the right person. Up to him to interpret it.

Who on earth calls out a regional accent as though it’s some kind of problem?!
Red flag of things to come... back out slowly by playing “Grey Rock”..

Bye bye!

Come on. You'll breathe a sign of relief after.

Just go with it's working for me but I wish you every luck dating.
Don't forget to block him on whatever dating app you found him

Aaagh. Sigh
Not working

His response to your accent would put me right off!! Bloody weird behaviour. Almost controlling. Very uncool.

You can do better.

Text him then block him.

I think your not unreasonable to be annoyed at those comments. I too would have been annoyed about someone checking on my ‘mental’ health because I had normal life stresses. But you have probably reached bitch eating crackers stage with him so best to just send a nice message saying you don’t think you should see each other anymore.

But you have probably reached bitch eating crackers stage with him

I have never heard that expression, so did a quick Google for context. I have totally reached that. It's the ick I suppose.

@Wanderlusto he did actually joke that he was a narcissist...having written a list in my head of all the little behaviours and stood back to review...he may not have been totally joking

God I hope I get better at this dating business (after the aforementioned period of being single)

Thanks for the advice and reassurance!

Oh dear, yeah run lol. Common for narcissists to 'joke' about being narcissists. And say things like 'my ex says I'm a narcissist' ect early on. It's a tell. Think its cause they hope you'll say 'no you aren't' and then they'll know theyve got you fooled maybe.

Sounds to me like you actually have boundries but are 2nd guessing yourself! He unsettles you (for whatever reason) therefore it does not work - FOR YOU. Boundary in place.
You can act on it without penalty! That is usually where the work is required!

Nothing to add except getting the piss taken out of my northern accent is beyond tiresome.