Is this negging, 'banter' or am I just being sensitive

[BunnyandBee]

I have been seeing someone for the last couple of months (as best you can during lockdown). He is the first person I have dated since my exH left at the start of 2020.

Initially the chemistry was great but I know deep down he is not the right person for me, there are a few issues of compatability and I am really just gathering courage to end things (people pleaser absolutely dreading the conversation as he is very sweet and generous in other ways).

We met the other day for a walk and a couple of things he said really grated on me. I know I need to figure out my boundaries in terms of dating and I just wanted some opinions on what he said to me.

1. I have cooled off the texting in the last week, partly because I just don't have the headspace for constant messaging. I explained during a phone call earlier in the week I was feeling quite stressed out as I have a lot on my plate (kids, work, house management etc). So on our recent walk he asked me how my mental health was as I hadn't spoken to him so much. After a bit of talking around it he said something along the lines of 'well i am pleased you're ok mentally' . I didn't really know how to respond.

2. I have northern roots and live down south where hard 'a' sounds are not so common (think grass/graahs) if you see what I mean? I tend to use a mix, but when I am full flow I use far more hard 'a's. If one ever slips into conversation he will interrupt and say "excuse me?". It pisses me off and makes me feel self conscious. I challenged him today a bit and he said sorry but that he likes to take the piss (aka banter ).

So, am I being just grumpy/sensitive and nitpicking because I know it's not right, or is this type of behaviour a red flag?

And as a sub-note how do I gain confidence in finishing things with someone? I don't want to do it by text!

As far as the accent goes, I moved up North from down South and got lots of jokes about my accent, including from guys I dated. I never saw it as anything more sinister than 'banter.' As pp said though, what does it matter anyway at this point?

He sounds annoying and tiresome. If that's his best behaviour and his attempt at making a good

He sounds annoying and tiresome. If that's his best behaviour and his attempt at making a good impression, then I'd move on. You deserve a lot better.

Oh and that southerners picking you up on hard a sounds is really fucking tiresom. It’s not us who are wrong, it’s them, there is no r in grass.

I'm pretty sure there is an r in grass. More importantly English is not a phonetic language so it's irrelevant. Your attitude is exactly the same as that of the ignorant, annoying gentleman in the OP.

So on our recent walk he asked me how my mental health was as I hadn't spoken to him so much. After a bit of talking around it he said something along the lines of 'well i am pleased you're ok mentally

This stood out to me. So, you cool off texting & he questions your mental health (couldn’t possibly be anything to do with him!) & meanwhile you’re on MN asking how to break it off nicely. Does this possibly show just how much better and nicer than him you are?

As for the ‘banter’ I had that once with a guy who was deeply in love with his reflection. I regret not ditching him WAY sooner. That’s my regret. Why do we put up with crap while so many men are pleasing themselves, ghosting, objectifying, ‘forgetting’ to text etc. I hope there are some good uns left out there. I really do.

Not hearing any red flags here, we'll apart from him calling himself a narcissist!

I wouldn't use these as Justifications for breaking it off, they sound a bit trivial on their own but the point is you're not into him anymore and that's all the justification you need.

He’s one of those guys who thinks women are all nuts and it’s just a matter of time before they show their true colours.
Dump him.

I cannot understand why anyone would pick someone up on their accent, whether it's regional or because they are not speaking in their mother tongue. It's childish, pointless and rude. I think he is starting to undermine you and it will only escalate over time. I would tell him that these comments are tiresome and if any more like that come your way, he can fuck off into the sunset.

What are you waiting for?

Just ditch him in a nice way

'I have enjoyed our dates, but I have to much going on in my life at the moment to date anyone. All the best, op'

The fact he is already questioning your mental health would be game over for me. Really weird and intrusive!

Op, it’s not working. No need to invest more time or give specific examples. And yes you can do it by text. Just say it’s not working for you, you want to spend some time alone. He likely feels some what similar. Don’t over think it.

Personally, I would have thought the "ok mentally" comment was just an awkward way to end, as he was just checking up on you.

The "excuse me" may be annoying if he actually makes you repeat it however in northern and my husband completely takes the mick out of me if I say anything northern, including repeating me in his awful fake northern accent. I love it 😂 it is just a joke, and I find as a northerner down south, you get it a lot and you can either choose to be offended or just enjoy it. I, personally, have no problems with people picking up on my accent when it comes out and I love finding new phrases that mean nothing down here!

My ex used to do this to me all the time... wonder if this is the same person

I’d say you’re fine to finish things via text with someone you’re dating in lockdown!

You don't like him enough to keep dating, and you're not obligated to either! That's all that matters. Quick text and it's done - "I've had a think and I don't feel enough of a connection to keep seeing each other. All the best."

Step back and get some perspective - you've just been dating him a while, he's a big boy stop worrying about giving a reason or whether it's a good enough one. Anyone can stop seeing anyone else at any time for any reason!

You don't need to explain yourself. Tell the truth - you aren't into it enough to keep dating him - in a polite way like my suggested message above.

If he's a dick about it just block him. You're overthinking!

I would tell him that these comments are tiresome and if any more like that come your way, he can fuck off into the sunset

I would send the breezy pleasant text as a PP has said. Don't stoop to snarkiness as he will have made an impression.

Hi, Things are hectic at the mo. I need more time for myself. I've enjoyed our chats but I can't commit more time. Thanks and take care.

Do NOT apologise in any form. Keep repeating it if he wants answers or carries on pushing you.

Bin him he sounds shit. You don't have to have a reason!

"After some thought Ive decided I don't want to carry on this relationship. All the best"

Then block him

'Excuse me?'

'You know fucking well what I said. Bastard (a la Sean Bean)'

Thanks all. It's done. I was too much of a chicken to call, so I texted him. I feel much better. maybe rather telling, but I was actually really worried about how he would react, so it was a big relief when he was actually very pleasant.

Onwards and upwards.

Just read through this and seen your update, well done! Onwards and upwards :-)

In terms of his behaviour - neither of those things individually sound awful to me - the MH conversation sounds possibly like trying to be supportive but finding it very awkward, the accent thing sounds like trying to be funny (fail). I’m a northerner down south and 6 years in DP still does it occasionally - but he gets equal response back - if he said “excuse me?” pointedly I’d probably dismissively respond “oh, you’re excused” and carry on with the convo..... or it’ll be something like “can you run me a bath babe?” and he’ll reply “no but I can run you a barth”...depending on my mood I might banter back (“ah, shame, don’t want one of them, was after a bath”), I might give steely unimpressed stare till the discomfort gets to him and he backs out of the room to sort the bath, I might do a faux-offended-snowflake-calling-out (“I can’t believe you’re accent shaming me, check your privilege” etc) or maybe respond with a Dick van Dyke impression etc.... it’s no big deal but he doesn’t do it too often any more. Because it’s boring, and no one finds it funny.

When you’re starting dating again after being in a LTR, there was a stage for me when I had a realisation, that I don’t have to just keep seeing people because they’re nice enough - it’s ok to have a very high bar to judge people against, they’re auditioning for
the part of your life partner! - and eventually someone will either meet your high expectations in a partner, or the connection will be sparky enough that some of those things turn out to not matter so much anyway .

Good luck OP, enjoy carrying on the auditioning.

@LemonViolet I think you have summed it up well. I don't generally mind a bit of gentle teasing if it's coming from the right place and person. His general judgy-ness based on other comments he had made, made it feel more than that.
And you are right. I intend to set my bar high. Which is scary when you read on here as most men seem to be idiots. That then made me second guess whether I was being too picky, but I can't ignore my gut.
Hopefully the right person will come along at some point.